With the NATO Summit descending on Riga this past Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday, it was high time to hightail it out of town. JS and I went on a road trip!
We started in Latvija visiting a couple of cities that neither of us had been to. Ventspils and Liepaja are both coastal cities... probably bustling with life in the summer when their beaches draw crowds from all over Latvia and probably other places as well. But on a cool winter day, when the winds are blowing in off the sea, the streets were deserted. Ventspils was especially, eerily quiet.
Ventspils and Liepaja are both nice cities but without summer on their side, neither left much of an impression on me. Ventspils had a castle. Liepaja had a war prison. Both full of history that would make you cry.
The day we left Liepaja it was nice there. But as we kept driving the fog got thicker and thicker until JS was driving with visibility reaching not far beyond the front end of the car. I slept for part of this, but when I woke to the dark (yeah, it was 4 or 4:30) and saw the effect that the dark coupled with the fog had, I decided to stay awake and do what I could to help the situation. Helping does not include I learned, yelling about staying on the road, watching out for the braking car in front of us, or slowing down so I could see some damn road signs so that I could do my job as navigator. But all that aside, we made it to Druskininkai in one piece, and weary, but not actually angry with each other. We found the hostel. Found a grocery. Bought more food than we could eat. Ate, and went to bed.
The next morning we visit Grutas Parks, also known as Stalin World. This park includes all monuments of Stalin, Lenin and many other Communist leaders collected from all over Lithuania. Can I just say, there were more statues of one person than I would ever want to see, and the scary part is that these were just the statues from Lithuania!!! Seeing something like this opens your eyes to understand only minorly what it might have been like to live in this time. It was another foggy and somewhat chilly morning in Grutas Park, and I can't say I was sad to leave.
After leaving Druskininkai we headed to Trakai. Another city with another castle. This one is special because the castle is built on a peninsula, so it's really out there in the middle of a lake. Funny thing is, Trakai is a small city... but JS and I could not find the proper place to visit the castle! Doing our best to decipher signs written in Lithuianian (which for those of you who don't know, is similar enough to Latvian that I could decipher lots) we still managed to pull into and park in a place that had restricted parking reserved for castle employees only. And then we even had the audacity to leave the car, get out and walk around a part of the castle, that I'm pretty sure isn't even open to visitors! When we figured out we were in the wrong place we left. But I have to say, several people saw us, and no one said a word.
When we found the castle, which was NOT as easy to find as you might think because of the FOG we were happy to see that it was indeed in the middle of the lake and pretty cool. It has been rebuilt and restored extensively, so was pretty cool to visit. Funnier yet? While at this particular site, Latvian was the language we heard most! Turns out we weren't the only ones who thought to escape the Summit to Lithuania!
After seeing the castle, we tried to leave Trakai. It wasn't really so hard, except the first couple of turns... which had us turning the wrong direction onto a one way street only to hear someone honking at us, and turning just in time to see that it was a police officer, probably shaking his head at the foreigners. Thankfully, JS didn't complete the turn, and the police drove on. Driving to Vilnius was a pleasant less-foggy, more-daylight type drive. It was also much shorter.
Vilnius it turns out is a very nice city as well. But I kept walking around it saying, "It reminds me of a place I know!" Riga and Vilnius are VERY similar in my opinion. Old town is practically identical, except that Vilnius actually has some hills and stuff. And Vilnius has more churches... hard to believe I know, but it does. Vilnius, like Riga, is full of history....old buildings, a castle, very old churches, cobble-stone streets, and museum and monument one after another. Although, outside Old Town, Vilnius was decidedly less Soviet. Whether it's always been that way, or they have simply recovered more quickly, I don't know... but that was nice as well. Vilnius also has it's fair share of one way streets and construction going on, which made for interesting driving on our way back to our hostel from the movie we saw one night. Ok, ok, I take responsibility for leading JS to drive up the one way street this time. It was my fault. I didn't actually realize what that little red arrow on the map meant at the time. But rolling through the stop sign when another car was coming from the other direction with no stop sign, thereby inducing me to yelp and stomp on the "passenger side brake pedal" was totally his fault. Totally. But I'm sorry I made him jump. And then get pissed at me. Oops. *blush*
In Vilnius we visited the Genocide Museum. It is housed in an actual KGB building, the basement floor of which has been untouched since the KGB evacuated in 1991, aside from putting up a couple displays to make it more like a museum. It's frightening though really. You visit a place like that. And you hear what happened in every cell. The torture. The lack of respect for human life. The murder. You see what they slept on. What they wore. Where they were solitarily confined. Where they scratched their names into the walls, most believably with their fingernails, lest they be never found and forgotten. And then you go upstairs and you read the stories of the individuals who actually survived these things. And those who didn't. You see their belongings, collected and displayed. And you want to believe that this all happened years ago. In such ancient history. And then you realize that it didn't. That this is recent histroy. And worse yet, you can imagine, that similar things are still occuring around the world, some that we hear about and others that we don't. And you leave such a place, not really knowing what to do with yourself.
We left Vilnius after climbing to the top of the castle which afforded us a view of the nearest buildings shrouded in fog. JS swears that on a sunny day, you can see til the city limits. Ah well, maybe next time.
On our way home, because that is where we were already headed, we stopped at the Hill Of Crosses. Another truly inspiring sight. A quite large area (JS has the book... I forget exactly how big, but quite large indeed) covered, simply stacked with crosses. This hill has a history dating back many centuries...but even just it's contemporary history is amazing. Lithuanians used this hill as a symbol of faith and hope. And as a place to honor their fallen. Over the years, the hill and all its crosses were bulldozed 4 times by the Soviets, who saw it as a highly inappropriate display (gosh, we don't like it when someone shows the world how many people we're killing, HUH?). But the Lithuanians came back every time, and even through guards and other barricades, continued to rebuild the Hill of Crosses. The crosses range from twice my height to tiny, tiny ones... but it is estimated that 50,000 crosses now adorn the spot. Some have names on them, others poems and others stand blank a silent intention in its being. JS and I didn't add any crosses, although these days people of all faiths travel from near and far to visit this site. It was something to see.
The rest of the ride home was free of upsets or adventures. We had a slight scare at the kilometers upon kilometers of semi-trucks parked at the border that we thought we were going to have wait behind. And then were delighted to find that our passage was only delayed a few minutes unlike some of the trucks who had already been waiting days or weeks. Something to do with NATO. If we hadn't gotten through the way we did, I'm fairly certain that even if the line had been moving, we'd still be sitting there now, and I would not be coming to the end of what will surely be my longest blog entry to date.
Welcome back to Riga. Welcome back to work. Good news? The Summit gave us Mon-Wed off... which means, we have a two day week, and another glorious weekend is upon us. :)
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Winter Blues
I haven't been blogging... I haven't been doing much of anything.
Winter is here... and with its arrival, departs my desire to, well... do anything. I wouldn't go so far as to say die... because that would be a little extreme, and possibly worriesome to some close people who might read this. But, winter does not make me want to jump for joy.
Born in June, I love the summer. Give me warmth. Give me sunshine. Give me long days, with short nights. Give me picnics and beaches and driving with the windows down.
I have to wonder how closely my spirit is related to that of the bear. I really feel like I just could hibernate. I know, I know... my body couldn't... but my soul surely could!
The only thing winter really makes me want to do is travel to warm places and cook and bake. Since travel is much more expensive than cooking... you can guess which one I am doing more of. And you see... when you combine all that cooking and baking with not wanting to do anything else... well you end up eating way more calories than you need. And worse yet? Bundling up in a big fuzzy sweater only makes you look bigger.
It's a tough time, this winter you see. If I didn't have enough things plagueing me mentally as it is... now you can add in the winter blues... which just plain brings down everything.
I heard once in a seminar I took that most women think quite often (once a day?) that they must be crazy. Because this is how often we feel that our experience simply cannot be similar to that which others experience. Hearing that obvioulsy made an impact on me, as 5 years later, I still remember it being said. It's nice to know you're not alone. I certainly know I am not the only person out there who doesn't look forward to winter. I just wish I could take everything that I had here (ok, the whole country) and move it a few degrees south... like 15. :)
So... my solace is that even though it's already dark at 4pm here in Latvia... at least it's still 10 degrees C out there. It snowed once... but then it all melted and went away. And now... if the snow can hold off again... we only have to make it through February before the days start getting noticably longer again, and eventually it will warm up. And hopefully, I won't have eaten too many baked goods in that time, and will be able to lounge on the beach happy once again.
Winter is here... and with its arrival, departs my desire to, well... do anything. I wouldn't go so far as to say die... because that would be a little extreme, and possibly worriesome to some close people who might read this. But, winter does not make me want to jump for joy.
Born in June, I love the summer. Give me warmth. Give me sunshine. Give me long days, with short nights. Give me picnics and beaches and driving with the windows down.
I have to wonder how closely my spirit is related to that of the bear. I really feel like I just could hibernate. I know, I know... my body couldn't... but my soul surely could!
The only thing winter really makes me want to do is travel to warm places and cook and bake. Since travel is much more expensive than cooking... you can guess which one I am doing more of. And you see... when you combine all that cooking and baking with not wanting to do anything else... well you end up eating way more calories than you need. And worse yet? Bundling up in a big fuzzy sweater only makes you look bigger.
It's a tough time, this winter you see. If I didn't have enough things plagueing me mentally as it is... now you can add in the winter blues... which just plain brings down everything.
I heard once in a seminar I took that most women think quite often (once a day?) that they must be crazy. Because this is how often we feel that our experience simply cannot be similar to that which others experience. Hearing that obvioulsy made an impact on me, as 5 years later, I still remember it being said. It's nice to know you're not alone. I certainly know I am not the only person out there who doesn't look forward to winter. I just wish I could take everything that I had here (ok, the whole country) and move it a few degrees south... like 15. :)
So... my solace is that even though it's already dark at 4pm here in Latvia... at least it's still 10 degrees C out there. It snowed once... but then it all melted and went away. And now... if the snow can hold off again... we only have to make it through February before the days start getting noticably longer again, and eventually it will warm up. And hopefully, I won't have eaten too many baked goods in that time, and will be able to lounge on the beach happy once again.
Friday, October 27, 2006
It's been such a long time...
since I posted!
Lord! And so much has happened... but.... does it all need to be on here? I don't think so...
Why be a teacher ? Cause we get vacations... way more than almost any other job. It's one of the perks. I am enjoying the last day of my October holiday by doing nothing. So far, it's almost 2pm and I am still not dressed... and have done nothing more than watch tv and hang out on the net. Ah...
But, at the beginning of the week I was in London (perk of teaching overseas...you can go way more fun places when you have vacations...)
London was nice. Why? Well, I'll tell you. London is FULL of good looking yummy tasting restaurants. Latvia... well... there sure are a lot of restaurants... but the variety leaves much to be longed for. Now, in London, I have to say, it was like Indian/Chinese/Indian/Thai/Indian... but you know? That was JUST fine by me. Also, in London... people are quite aware about things... one of the PUBS we ate at had on it's menu a note at the bottom that they only used organic produce and free-range meat products. How lovely is that? And everyplace listed that their food was non-gm (genetically modified). Another big plus. Also, every single place we went to had more than one choice for vegetarians...and it wasn't just potatoes or boring pasta. Ah....refreshing. And I cannot forget that I did have the best ice cream on the planet... Ben and Jerry's. Will try to post the picture of me enjoying it when I get it off the Aussie's camera. :)
Next best thing? Shopping!!!! Now... Latvia has lots of shopping. But here is what I find about the shopping here... all the stores are full of the latest trends, the hottest fads (often bad, cheap renditions at that). This might be fine for the highly fashion conscious, and those concerned with what they look like standing on the corner late at night (which admittedly, is a rather large population) but for me... who tends to go for a simpler look and looks that last... again, Latvia leaves something to be desired. But in London... well they have everything! The best thing was that I was finally able to purchase a pair of planet/animal friendly vegan Earth shoes. They are super cute, and feel wonderful to walk in. :) Yes, again I am breaking all Latvian fashion rules by sporting shoes that have NEGATIVE heel technology (the heel actually sits lower than the rest of your foot, somehow improving your posture) as opposed to 3-inch stilletos... but, here's how much I care... less than at all!
After the fact? Well... the best realization that came with the return trip was that the Aussie and I made it through our first holiday without a single squabble, upset or any other unhappy disturbance. Good news for a new relationship... :)
So... that's my October break coming to an end... now the countdown to the next holiday... when Riga will shut down for three days in November for the NATO summit. We'll end up with a five day weekend just to break things up a bit before the winter holidays.
Lord! And so much has happened... but.... does it all need to be on here? I don't think so...
Why be a teacher ? Cause we get vacations... way more than almost any other job. It's one of the perks. I am enjoying the last day of my October holiday by doing nothing. So far, it's almost 2pm and I am still not dressed... and have done nothing more than watch tv and hang out on the net. Ah...
But, at the beginning of the week I was in London (perk of teaching overseas...you can go way more fun places when you have vacations...)
London was nice. Why? Well, I'll tell you. London is FULL of good looking yummy tasting restaurants. Latvia... well... there sure are a lot of restaurants... but the variety leaves much to be longed for. Now, in London, I have to say, it was like Indian/Chinese/Indian/Thai/Indian... but you know? That was JUST fine by me. Also, in London... people are quite aware about things... one of the PUBS we ate at had on it's menu a note at the bottom that they only used organic produce and free-range meat products. How lovely is that? And everyplace listed that their food was non-gm (genetically modified). Another big plus. Also, every single place we went to had more than one choice for vegetarians...and it wasn't just potatoes or boring pasta. Ah....refreshing. And I cannot forget that I did have the best ice cream on the planet... Ben and Jerry's. Will try to post the picture of me enjoying it when I get it off the Aussie's camera. :)
Next best thing? Shopping!!!! Now... Latvia has lots of shopping. But here is what I find about the shopping here... all the stores are full of the latest trends, the hottest fads (often bad, cheap renditions at that). This might be fine for the highly fashion conscious, and those concerned with what they look like standing on the corner late at night (which admittedly, is a rather large population) but for me... who tends to go for a simpler look and looks that last... again, Latvia leaves something to be desired. But in London... well they have everything! The best thing was that I was finally able to purchase a pair of planet/animal friendly vegan Earth shoes. They are super cute, and feel wonderful to walk in. :) Yes, again I am breaking all Latvian fashion rules by sporting shoes that have NEGATIVE heel technology (the heel actually sits lower than the rest of your foot, somehow improving your posture) as opposed to 3-inch stilletos... but, here's how much I care... less than at all!
After the fact? Well... the best realization that came with the return trip was that the Aussie and I made it through our first holiday without a single squabble, upset or any other unhappy disturbance. Good news for a new relationship... :)
So... that's my October break coming to an end... now the countdown to the next holiday... when Riga will shut down for three days in November for the NATO summit. We'll end up with a five day weekend just to break things up a bit before the winter holidays.
Friday, September 29, 2006
A cat without balls, toasters and B12's...
I love my cat... we all know I do... but here is the thing... he's crazy.
He got his balls cut out (you know, so he wouldn't be able to make any more cat babies that no one would want to take care of...) and now he's bonkers. A friend says this is just plain proof that now we really know what the males of a species think with. Maybe.
He chews on metal things like the rails on our porch. This he does only at the times when he isn't actually trying to jump off the fourth story balcony. I guess he's never actually tried to jump... but, he sure does scare the shit out of anybody who is home on a daily basis with his balcony antics.
The craziest thing he does now though... well... actually, to be fair to the little guy, we don't know WHICH of the cats is doing it... it could very well be DS's cat as well... but anyway... ONE of them is pooping on my bathroom rugs once a week. Hmmm. Not cool. I've never stepped in it yet... and I better freaking not ever... cause the rug is right next to the box, and I don't care if the box already has some poop in it... you better use the box. I've used outhouses... I've even used port-a-potties that are damn near full... no, it's not the most pleasant experience, but dammit... you don't see me shitting on the rug. :)
But you know what... even if my little guy is crazy now... ok wait, he's not little anymore... he is already way bigger than my old cat ever was. He's a huge cat, and he's only 6 months. But anyway... the thing about him is this... even if he is crazy, he is SO freaking lovable. He is a cuddler. He loves to be pet. He will sit in your lap and purr, purr, purr. He lets you pet his belly and cover him in kisses. And we even have a little thing worked out....he always sleeps on my left side tucked in near my waist.
It is very cool having a cat. And I love my cat. I know I've said this before. But, he is really just so cool. :)
In other news... I bought a toaster yesterday. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone... but, I haven't had a toaster in years. In China, I think they were rare and expensive. I toasted bread in the oven. Do you know how long that takes? By the time you heat up the oven... a long time! Then I moved here, and still didn't have a toaster, and still wanted one. I learned to toast bread on the stove, in a pan... but that more so burns the bread, rather than just toasting it. So yesterday I laid down my 12.62Ls, and I got myself a toaster... but, you know... you'd think this would be easy... it wasn't all that...
We (Ds and I) went to Rimi Hypermarket... it's a superstore with about 1/3 of the stuff that, lets say, Meijer has...but it's the biggest superstore this side of the Daugava. Anyway... I go to the toaster section and find the cheapest one that is made by a name I know. Philips. Good. I can do that. Now, I look on the shelf, and there only appears to be the one display one. No more. Damn. So I look around to see if I can find someone to help me. Hmmm... nope.
So I walk to the next section of the store... there's a guy in a red Rimi shirt working in the sporting goods... maybe he can. So I go up to him and ask, "Can you help me find someone who works in that section?"
He answers, "There is no one."
Me, "What do you mean, no one?"
Him, "No one works in that section anymore."
Me, "So, what should I do? I just want to buy a toaster."
"Well... no one works in that section."
"So I can't buy a toaster today? Toasters are no longer for sale?"
"Well, no, I guess..."
"Can YOU come help me?" I start to walk away, implying that he just better follow...
"I don't know anything about this department..."
"I just need to find a toaster!"
So we go, and look, and he concludes that indeed the display toaster is the last of its kind. So I ask him if I can take it. He says why not. So we start to pack it up! This becomes a team effort because inside the box is more boxy stuff and plastic stuff and papers and you just need more than two hands. I'm just closing the top flap having figured out the right angle at which to insert the toaster and which cardboard went where when a woman in a red shirt walks around the corner.
"The toasters are all here!"
Man from the sporting goods department turns to see his colleague who "doesn't exist" because no one works in this section anymore. He gets all perplexed, "What are YOU DOING HERE? No one works in this department anymore!"
Meanwhile I feel like a bit of a jackass, but mostly, I just want my toaster and to get on with my shopping. So I say to the lady, "What should I do?"
She says, "Just go take one of those toasters. It's ok, I'll unpack this one."
And so I went and got my toaster... which was on an aisle end display, and got on with my shopping.
I bet you never knew it was so hard to buy a toaster. Toasters are the kind of thing I certainly used to take for granted. Not anymore.
When I got home, I made some toast, and buttered it, and put some Vegemite over the butter. Vegemite is my new favorite spread. I like it on bread and crackers. I'm not quite JS yet... I don't put it on literally EVERTHING... but I do like it.... and DID YOU KNOW??? Apparently vitamin B12 is a happy vitamin. It keeps your spirits up. Well, Vegemite is chock full of B vitamins... and I have been feeling quite happy lately! Who knew? Not me! So I figure SOMEONE better get me a LARGE jar of Vegemite to get me through the winter. :) I like being this happy... and while I was attributing it to some other factors in my life... if Vegemite is going to help... then bring on the Vegemite!
So... a cat without balls, toasters and B12's... that's life these days. It's good. Better yet, it's Friday afternoon, and we're off to the bar. See you later...
He got his balls cut out (you know, so he wouldn't be able to make any more cat babies that no one would want to take care of...) and now he's bonkers. A friend says this is just plain proof that now we really know what the males of a species think with. Maybe.
He chews on metal things like the rails on our porch. This he does only at the times when he isn't actually trying to jump off the fourth story balcony. I guess he's never actually tried to jump... but, he sure does scare the shit out of anybody who is home on a daily basis with his balcony antics.
The craziest thing he does now though... well... actually, to be fair to the little guy, we don't know WHICH of the cats is doing it... it could very well be DS's cat as well... but anyway... ONE of them is pooping on my bathroom rugs once a week. Hmmm. Not cool. I've never stepped in it yet... and I better freaking not ever... cause the rug is right next to the box, and I don't care if the box already has some poop in it... you better use the box. I've used outhouses... I've even used port-a-potties that are damn near full... no, it's not the most pleasant experience, but dammit... you don't see me shitting on the rug. :)
But you know what... even if my little guy is crazy now... ok wait, he's not little anymore... he is already way bigger than my old cat ever was. He's a huge cat, and he's only 6 months. But anyway... the thing about him is this... even if he is crazy, he is SO freaking lovable. He is a cuddler. He loves to be pet. He will sit in your lap and purr, purr, purr. He lets you pet his belly and cover him in kisses. And we even have a little thing worked out....he always sleeps on my left side tucked in near my waist.
It is very cool having a cat. And I love my cat. I know I've said this before. But, he is really just so cool. :)
In other news... I bought a toaster yesterday. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone... but, I haven't had a toaster in years. In China, I think they were rare and expensive. I toasted bread in the oven. Do you know how long that takes? By the time you heat up the oven... a long time! Then I moved here, and still didn't have a toaster, and still wanted one. I learned to toast bread on the stove, in a pan... but that more so burns the bread, rather than just toasting it. So yesterday I laid down my 12.62Ls, and I got myself a toaster... but, you know... you'd think this would be easy... it wasn't all that...
We (Ds and I) went to Rimi Hypermarket... it's a superstore with about 1/3 of the stuff that, lets say, Meijer has...but it's the biggest superstore this side of the Daugava. Anyway... I go to the toaster section and find the cheapest one that is made by a name I know. Philips. Good. I can do that. Now, I look on the shelf, and there only appears to be the one display one. No more. Damn. So I look around to see if I can find someone to help me. Hmmm... nope.
So I walk to the next section of the store... there's a guy in a red Rimi shirt working in the sporting goods... maybe he can. So I go up to him and ask, "Can you help me find someone who works in that section?"
He answers, "There is no one."
Me, "What do you mean, no one?"
Him, "No one works in that section anymore."
Me, "So, what should I do? I just want to buy a toaster."
"Well... no one works in that section."
"So I can't buy a toaster today? Toasters are no longer for sale?"
"Well, no, I guess..."
"Can YOU come help me?" I start to walk away, implying that he just better follow...
"I don't know anything about this department..."
"I just need to find a toaster!"
So we go, and look, and he concludes that indeed the display toaster is the last of its kind. So I ask him if I can take it. He says why not. So we start to pack it up! This becomes a team effort because inside the box is more boxy stuff and plastic stuff and papers and you just need more than two hands. I'm just closing the top flap having figured out the right angle at which to insert the toaster and which cardboard went where when a woman in a red shirt walks around the corner.
"The toasters are all here!"
Man from the sporting goods department turns to see his colleague who "doesn't exist" because no one works in this section anymore. He gets all perplexed, "What are YOU DOING HERE? No one works in this department anymore!"
Meanwhile I feel like a bit of a jackass, but mostly, I just want my toaster and to get on with my shopping. So I say to the lady, "What should I do?"
She says, "Just go take one of those toasters. It's ok, I'll unpack this one."
And so I went and got my toaster... which was on an aisle end display, and got on with my shopping.
I bet you never knew it was so hard to buy a toaster. Toasters are the kind of thing I certainly used to take for granted. Not anymore.
When I got home, I made some toast, and buttered it, and put some Vegemite over the butter. Vegemite is my new favorite spread. I like it on bread and crackers. I'm not quite JS yet... I don't put it on literally EVERTHING... but I do like it.... and DID YOU KNOW??? Apparently vitamin B12 is a happy vitamin. It keeps your spirits up. Well, Vegemite is chock full of B vitamins... and I have been feeling quite happy lately! Who knew? Not me! So I figure SOMEONE better get me a LARGE jar of Vegemite to get me through the winter. :) I like being this happy... and while I was attributing it to some other factors in my life... if Vegemite is going to help... then bring on the Vegemite!
So... a cat without balls, toasters and B12's... that's life these days. It's good. Better yet, it's Friday afternoon, and we're off to the bar. See you later...
Thursday, September 21, 2006
With my morning cup of tea...
I head to the bus stop every morning cup of tea in hand. No, no, I'm not talking about a little tea cup... I'm talking about 16 fl oz of steaming hot tea, kept safe and at temperature in one of my fancy schmancy beautiful Starbucks insulated tumblers.
Well guess what? I am one of three people in all of Riga that have such a cup, and so that makes me weird.
Every morning I get stare after stare... people look at me twice, three times... "Is she carrying a cup? What does she have in there?" they wonder. Futher more, why would you EVER carry a cup with you while you're walking?
On the bus it only gets worse. I'm usually chilling out to some chants on my iRiver as well... so I'm oblivious to what is going on around me...I've got my warm tea, and my music... it's almost therapeutic. But then I feel it... the stare.
I look to my left... stinky old man is looking from my face to my ear to my cup, Face, ear, cup. He can't figure me out. Then I feel it again. I look to my right. Mismatched, over-coloured, skirt too short, boots to pointy girl is glaring, eyes holding the stare as if in combat with the cup.
Then, here comes the killer... the conductor apporaches. She wants my money, but apparently she's been up since 4, and also wants someone to talk to. So, I grudgingly take one ear piece out.
She asks me, "What is that?"
"A cup, my tea," I reply.
"Tea? I thought that was a vase! How do you get tea in there? Does it stay warm?"
"Yes, the top comes off. But when you put it back on, it stays warm for a couple hours at least."
"Well, if you've got your tea, where are your buscuits?"
"In my bag," I lie... because while I already ate my breakfast pb&j sandwich on my way to the bus stop, I do have my lunch packed and in my bag.
The conductor laughs... thinking me too funny, that clearly I am packing my whole kitchen on my person every morning. I smile, and hope this exchange has come to an end.
Not so lucky. The conductor decides to drive right on to further intricacies. Since she knows all about my habits, she naturally assumes that I want to know all about hers. So I get the full scoop on how the life of the conductor is "not as glamorous as it might seem." And when she gets up, and when she gets to eat, and how to keep all that food from just making her "thicken up"... and then somehow that just moves right on to how difficult her job is, and how they hold the conductors and the drivers of the busses accountable for everything. I hear stories of spilled drinks and nicked paint... none of which is anyone's fault, but it comes out of their pay. Finally,
"Basteja Bulvaris. Nakama pietura, Kipsala." Thank god... we've arrived at the next stop. More passengers climb on, and the conductor is swept away with making sure that every person that climbs on pays their 20 santims.
I make a quick turn, move towards the door. I have to get off at the next stop, and the closer I am to the door, the better. I shove the ear piece back in my ear... relieved to hear an "Om". I look down and realize that I am still clutching my own 20 santims. Somehow, I never managed to pay the lady while we were talking. As she walks by, I reach out my hand. She looks at me, smiles, pushes my hand back. I guess I paid with my attention this morning...
All because of the cup.
Will I stop carrying my tea in a cup every morning? No. I won't stop. However, I might just try to ignore the feel of the stare, so as not to make eye-contact. Although, I'm sure there will be some other morning when unsuspecting, half asleep, I might follow the pull of eyes... and land myself in another conversation, about the cup.
Well guess what? I am one of three people in all of Riga that have such a cup, and so that makes me weird.
Every morning I get stare after stare... people look at me twice, three times... "Is she carrying a cup? What does she have in there?" they wonder. Futher more, why would you EVER carry a cup with you while you're walking?
On the bus it only gets worse. I'm usually chilling out to some chants on my iRiver as well... so I'm oblivious to what is going on around me...I've got my warm tea, and my music... it's almost therapeutic. But then I feel it... the stare.
I look to my left... stinky old man is looking from my face to my ear to my cup, Face, ear, cup. He can't figure me out. Then I feel it again. I look to my right. Mismatched, over-coloured, skirt too short, boots to pointy girl is glaring, eyes holding the stare as if in combat with the cup.
Then, here comes the killer... the conductor apporaches. She wants my money, but apparently she's been up since 4, and also wants someone to talk to. So, I grudgingly take one ear piece out.
She asks me, "What is that?"
"A cup, my tea," I reply.
"Tea? I thought that was a vase! How do you get tea in there? Does it stay warm?"
"Yes, the top comes off. But when you put it back on, it stays warm for a couple hours at least."
"Well, if you've got your tea, where are your buscuits?"
"In my bag," I lie... because while I already ate my breakfast pb&j sandwich on my way to the bus stop, I do have my lunch packed and in my bag.
The conductor laughs... thinking me too funny, that clearly I am packing my whole kitchen on my person every morning. I smile, and hope this exchange has come to an end.
Not so lucky. The conductor decides to drive right on to further intricacies. Since she knows all about my habits, she naturally assumes that I want to know all about hers. So I get the full scoop on how the life of the conductor is "not as glamorous as it might seem." And when she gets up, and when she gets to eat, and how to keep all that food from just making her "thicken up"... and then somehow that just moves right on to how difficult her job is, and how they hold the conductors and the drivers of the busses accountable for everything. I hear stories of spilled drinks and nicked paint... none of which is anyone's fault, but it comes out of their pay. Finally,
"Basteja Bulvaris. Nakama pietura, Kipsala." Thank god... we've arrived at the next stop. More passengers climb on, and the conductor is swept away with making sure that every person that climbs on pays their 20 santims.
I make a quick turn, move towards the door. I have to get off at the next stop, and the closer I am to the door, the better. I shove the ear piece back in my ear... relieved to hear an "Om". I look down and realize that I am still clutching my own 20 santims. Somehow, I never managed to pay the lady while we were talking. As she walks by, I reach out my hand. She looks at me, smiles, pushes my hand back. I guess I paid with my attention this morning...
All because of the cup.
Will I stop carrying my tea in a cup every morning? No. I won't stop. However, I might just try to ignore the feel of the stare, so as not to make eye-contact. Although, I'm sure there will be some other morning when unsuspecting, half asleep, I might follow the pull of eyes... and land myself in another conversation, about the cup.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Travel should be cheap
This is just how I feel today. Traveling should be cheap. It just should. If it wasn't so damn expensive people would do it more... and then we'd have a happier world. And people would see more, see how things REALLY are other places... and then I think that people would be more accepting of how others are.
But mostly, today, I think travel should be cheap because I miss my friends all over the world... I miss people in the US, in China, in Australia (some I haven't even met yet!), in England, other parts of Europe... there are so many people all over the world to miss! And it SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS when things are going on in their lives and you can't be a part of it because there is this stupid thing called distance between you.
And me choosing one location to stay put in would have no effect on this... because there would still be people elsewhere to miss. This is my life. I am not a stay in one place kind of girl (at least not yet). Until I am, I guess people will be far away, and that is why I think travel should be cheap.
I miss my friends.
But mostly, today, I think travel should be cheap because I miss my friends all over the world... I miss people in the US, in China, in Australia (some I haven't even met yet!), in England, other parts of Europe... there are so many people all over the world to miss! And it SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS when things are going on in their lives and you can't be a part of it because there is this stupid thing called distance between you.
And me choosing one location to stay put in would have no effect on this... because there would still be people elsewhere to miss. This is my life. I am not a stay in one place kind of girl (at least not yet). Until I am, I guess people will be far away, and that is why I think travel should be cheap.
I miss my friends.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
To be or not to be...
friends with an ex?
Well... I know how I feel about it.
let's take a look... possible situation...
You look over the bar... your eyes meet... you gravitate towards each other... you end up dancing all night... you THINK you know his name... as you stumble home from the bar together, you know his name, where he works, and that you think he's HOT. You fall in bed. The next morning, you roll over, look at each other... share a morning-breath kiss, laugh... you can tell this is actually going to go somewhere.
You spend the whole day together, and the next week... A month later, all you know is you're in a relationship and quite happy about it. More months pass... you find reasons to spend time together... you find out about each other's emotional and intelligent sides... maybe you meet some family... you find the things that you can tolerate doing together... even though your taste in music, books (he hasn't read one EVER), and food are totally different... you find that you can compromise on which movies to watch, which bars to drink at, and which sexual position to assume. Things are good. You're happy getting to know someone... although, quite alarmingly, as you get to talking more and more about the things that are most important to you in life... you find out that these things are just as different as your shoe size.
Another month goes by, and you realize that, without bars and sex, this relationship hasn't got much going for it. It's not that you don't love him... because you do... after 6 months of playing house together, you know each other's routines... you know how to please each other, what to do to make the other one smile... but you also KNOW that you will not be able to fulfill each other's desires in life... not just that, but you will not even be able to walk down a similar path together... so even though daily life *is* ok... it's time to end it. So now... when you take away the sex and the bars... is it really worth "staying friends"? (Even though you were NEVER friends to begin with?)
I would answer this question with a resounding no. If friendship isn't where it started, then friendship is NOT where it's going to end. At least not in my experience so far.
Everyone who knows me, knows that I firmly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all. After HG I almost lost that one... but, luckily, I can still see the good that came out of that... and I am glad for having had the experience. But, does that mean that I should try to be friends with him? No.
I have loved many times in my life. They have been different kinds of loves... some serious, some not so much... some that masked themselves as love, when what I was really searching for was some love of self... but they have ALL been worth it. I have gained something from each and every relationship and emotion that I have had. And I do not regret any of them. None. But does that mean that I should remain friends with them? No.
People come in and out of your life. Some stay... some just leave an impression. (I know there is some great quote about this thought, but I can't remember it right now...) When it comes to relationships ending, I find that it is better to let them end. Even in the few cases when I have TRIED to remain friends with an ex... one of two things happen... 1) you end up having sex again, or getting hurt again, because one of you continues to have feelings etc, that the other one doesn't, or 2) you really quickly run out of things to talk about and then you stop "being friends" anyway, or someone gets hurt... because, you spent all that time together, when if you ran out of things to talk about, you could just kiss and hug and have sex and pretend that you didn't run out of things to talk about... but when sex is no longer an option... and you run out of things to talk about... you're screwed. So... why put yourself through that?
Now... if you started off as friends... knew each other a long time, or even a short time, but none-the-less started off as friends, and then just gave it the "Could this be something more?" that turned into the "Oh God, no, this is SO not anything more"... there is a chance that you could remain friends after a substantial break from each other. (Enough time to get the thought of each other's naked body out of your head.) This is your only chance.
This is my experience... and this is my blog... so what I say goes. :) So when my ex is now emailing me, asking me why I'm giving him the silent treatment, I told him straight up... I'm not... I'm just moving on.
And that is NOT to say that if I see him on the street I won't be polite... God help me, when I do run into him (he lives so close, it's BOUND to happen) I will be alone, and not with my new beau... but when I run into him, I will say hi, politely ask how he's been... tell him how I am... I will smile, and I will give a little laugh remembering how things used to be between us (because at one point, it was VERY good)... and then I will say, it was nice to see you... I wish you all the best... and I will walk away... with no lies about "we should get together" or "I'll call you", because we shouldn't... and I won't. But I will treasure our memories as a part of my experience forever... I will thank you for having helped make me the person I am today... because without you, I would not be the same...but, what we had is over now... and it shall remain as a part of my past... and we will not be friends.
And so I say, it is not to be...
Well... I know how I feel about it.
let's take a look... possible situation...
You look over the bar... your eyes meet... you gravitate towards each other... you end up dancing all night... you THINK you know his name... as you stumble home from the bar together, you know his name, where he works, and that you think he's HOT. You fall in bed. The next morning, you roll over, look at each other... share a morning-breath kiss, laugh... you can tell this is actually going to go somewhere.
You spend the whole day together, and the next week... A month later, all you know is you're in a relationship and quite happy about it. More months pass... you find reasons to spend time together... you find out about each other's emotional and intelligent sides... maybe you meet some family... you find the things that you can tolerate doing together... even though your taste in music, books (he hasn't read one EVER), and food are totally different... you find that you can compromise on which movies to watch, which bars to drink at, and which sexual position to assume. Things are good. You're happy getting to know someone... although, quite alarmingly, as you get to talking more and more about the things that are most important to you in life... you find out that these things are just as different as your shoe size.
Another month goes by, and you realize that, without bars and sex, this relationship hasn't got much going for it. It's not that you don't love him... because you do... after 6 months of playing house together, you know each other's routines... you know how to please each other, what to do to make the other one smile... but you also KNOW that you will not be able to fulfill each other's desires in life... not just that, but you will not even be able to walk down a similar path together... so even though daily life *is* ok... it's time to end it. So now... when you take away the sex and the bars... is it really worth "staying friends"? (Even though you were NEVER friends to begin with?)
I would answer this question with a resounding no. If friendship isn't where it started, then friendship is NOT where it's going to end. At least not in my experience so far.
Everyone who knows me, knows that I firmly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all. After HG I almost lost that one... but, luckily, I can still see the good that came out of that... and I am glad for having had the experience. But, does that mean that I should try to be friends with him? No.
I have loved many times in my life. They have been different kinds of loves... some serious, some not so much... some that masked themselves as love, when what I was really searching for was some love of self... but they have ALL been worth it. I have gained something from each and every relationship and emotion that I have had. And I do not regret any of them. None. But does that mean that I should remain friends with them? No.
People come in and out of your life. Some stay... some just leave an impression. (I know there is some great quote about this thought, but I can't remember it right now...) When it comes to relationships ending, I find that it is better to let them end. Even in the few cases when I have TRIED to remain friends with an ex... one of two things happen... 1) you end up having sex again, or getting hurt again, because one of you continues to have feelings etc, that the other one doesn't, or 2) you really quickly run out of things to talk about and then you stop "being friends" anyway, or someone gets hurt... because, you spent all that time together, when if you ran out of things to talk about, you could just kiss and hug and have sex and pretend that you didn't run out of things to talk about... but when sex is no longer an option... and you run out of things to talk about... you're screwed. So... why put yourself through that?
Now... if you started off as friends... knew each other a long time, or even a short time, but none-the-less started off as friends, and then just gave it the "Could this be something more?" that turned into the "Oh God, no, this is SO not anything more"... there is a chance that you could remain friends after a substantial break from each other. (Enough time to get the thought of each other's naked body out of your head.) This is your only chance.
This is my experience... and this is my blog... so what I say goes. :) So when my ex is now emailing me, asking me why I'm giving him the silent treatment, I told him straight up... I'm not... I'm just moving on.
And that is NOT to say that if I see him on the street I won't be polite... God help me, when I do run into him (he lives so close, it's BOUND to happen) I will be alone, and not with my new beau... but when I run into him, I will say hi, politely ask how he's been... tell him how I am... I will smile, and I will give a little laugh remembering how things used to be between us (because at one point, it was VERY good)... and then I will say, it was nice to see you... I wish you all the best... and I will walk away... with no lies about "we should get together" or "I'll call you", because we shouldn't... and I won't. But I will treasure our memories as a part of my experience forever... I will thank you for having helped make me the person I am today... because without you, I would not be the same...but, what we had is over now... and it shall remain as a part of my past... and we will not be friends.
And so I say, it is not to be...
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Men are from Mars...
Women are from venus... I never read the book... but, I have a friend who did. And lets face it... I've lived through enough relationships to know that men and women just plain function differently when it comes to these things, and to think that we don't is just absurd.
Roomie and I saw the movie The Break-up last night... which rather amusingly was translated as Breaking up American Style by the Latvian theater. This is just great because now all these people will think that this is really the way that it happens in America... that we ALL pull the kind of shenanigans that "Brooke" and "Gary" pulled in the movie. But I digress...
Before I could even thinking about the movie, Vince Vaughn disturbingly much reminded me of the ex HG. Whoah. I didn't really mind, but it was just at first, a little hard to get into the movie.
I liked the movie though. Why did I like it? Because I could follow it. Even if I couldn't exactly relate to the silly things that they did to each other, I could certainly relate the things she was feeling. I probably woulnd't have been as strong as to not take him back at the one point, especially given that what's his name was just there about the art. Although... I have recently been strong enough to get rid of a couple guys when I know it's no longer working... even if it does take a few tries. So maybe I would have. Who knows.
Anyway... the point here is... that the eccentric Ms. NS wanted me to make a new post and this is what is on my mind. I don't think you have to read the book (Mars, Venus) to know and understand that men and women deal with relationships differently.
All this has been actual in my life in the last week as well. The new boy and I just went through a small Mars/Venus type moment. It was about personal space. His need for it, my lack of a need for it. We've dealt with it now, and all is well again in "our" world. Which is good. Cause, even though it's raining every day, and some days the sun isn't even shining anymore... the world still seems a little brighter when he smiles at me.
Roomie and I saw the movie The Break-up last night... which rather amusingly was translated as Breaking up American Style by the Latvian theater. This is just great because now all these people will think that this is really the way that it happens in America... that we ALL pull the kind of shenanigans that "Brooke" and "Gary" pulled in the movie. But I digress...
Before I could even thinking about the movie, Vince Vaughn disturbingly much reminded me of the ex HG. Whoah. I didn't really mind, but it was just at first, a little hard to get into the movie.
I liked the movie though. Why did I like it? Because I could follow it. Even if I couldn't exactly relate to the silly things that they did to each other, I could certainly relate the things she was feeling. I probably woulnd't have been as strong as to not take him back at the one point, especially given that what's his name was just there about the art. Although... I have recently been strong enough to get rid of a couple guys when I know it's no longer working... even if it does take a few tries. So maybe I would have. Who knows.
Anyway... the point here is... that the eccentric Ms. NS wanted me to make a new post and this is what is on my mind. I don't think you have to read the book (Mars, Venus) to know and understand that men and women deal with relationships differently.
All this has been actual in my life in the last week as well. The new boy and I just went through a small Mars/Venus type moment. It was about personal space. His need for it, my lack of a need for it. We've dealt with it now, and all is well again in "our" world. Which is good. Cause, even though it's raining every day, and some days the sun isn't even shining anymore... the world still seems a little brighter when he smiles at me.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Life moves right along...
Life doesn't stop. And when you know something is over, then it can really be over, as long as you let go. I let go. And my previous relationship ended without a hitch. There was no drawn out drama. There was no prolonged heartache. It was one day of feeling like, "Whoah, what?" And that was only because it happened so suddenly. But the next morning I woke up feeling happy and free. There was no regret. I didn't have to erase his phone number or his email address. I didn't have to worry about doing something stupid like calling him drunk, or going back to him. The relationship was over. And life moved on.
It didn't take long... because he was already there. The feelings had already been brewing for someone else. It took a week, and something new has managed to manifest itself. I don't know what it is, how big it will be, how long it will last. But for now... I am enjoying the look of smiling eyes, the feel of a warm hand, the sound of a new voice speaking my name, familiarizing myself with a new scent. And as it always does, this makes the sky seem bluer, the grass greener, the air crisper. Life moves right along... and I'm going with it. :)
It didn't take long... because he was already there. The feelings had already been brewing for someone else. It took a week, and something new has managed to manifest itself. I don't know what it is, how big it will be, how long it will last. But for now... I am enjoying the look of smiling eyes, the feel of a warm hand, the sound of a new voice speaking my name, familiarizing myself with a new scent. And as it always does, this makes the sky seem bluer, the grass greener, the air crisper. Life moves right along... and I'm going with it. :)
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
All I can say is...
All I can say is that I don't want to give up on love. On real, huge, wonderful love. The kind of love that stops me in my tracks, *almost* makes me forget my life, and then lets me know, THIS is it. I just don't want to give up on that kind of love.
And so for now, I'll just continue to love my wonderful, incredibly sweet, sometimes crazy, totally loving and beautiful cat.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Have you ever watched a little kid eat... I mean really? Ever had the pleasure of trying to talk a kid into eating something that they are just NOT interested in? I have...and for WAY TOO LONG I took it as a challenge...get the kid to eat...and MAKE him/her eat at least some of this, and that, etc.
Did you know that children are born able to listen to their bodies, a skill that most of us adults have long since lost? The studies have been done... the data collected... given a healthy variety of foods, a child will naturally eat a balanced diet in a few days time. Not at every meal. In a few days time. Given a healthy variety of food. Not "McD's or hotdogs?"
I've been working on "conscious eating" for a few months now. Eat what you want, when you want it, and stop when you have had enough. It's such a simple concept that I'm sure MANY would want to argue "It won't work!" Well... I'm keeping my head up, and my hopes too... because I believe that if I give up control long enough, I will regain what I had as a child. Regain the ability for not only my body to know what I need, but the ability for my mind to hear it.
I have been plagued recently with thoughts about the diet industry in America and here in Latvia. While my boyfriend thinks I am beautiful, and is happy with what he's got in me... he told me the other day that a woman we saw on tv who was so skinny you could count her ribs was beautiful. Now, I'm not arguing... she had a pretty face. But her body was a tortured being. No normal well fed adult woman has ribs like that poking out of her sides. Sorry, I don't believe it. And I know this. So, why did I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, and a frown on my face, if I KNOW that this is not a healthy way to be?
Well DS and I discussed today... we're pretty sure we're past "fixing" when it comes to our own attitudes. It's been ingrained in us to feel like we also need to be like this. We're not sure if we can change that now... if we can ever get rid of that little voice... at this point, the fight is to quiet it, to appreciate other things, and hope that that voice will just leave you alone.
My head is a-jumble with thoughts on this subject... the why's and the who's and how come's. Like, even for money, why would corporations want to create a whole world of people who will hate themselves? Who decided in recent history that skin and bones skinny was pretty... and who conceded that it was true? And why, didn't someone, anyone along the way, let me know it was all a lie?
And you know what is worse... the women, we are the ones who suffer about all this... but the men... they have been affected too... when instead of actually seeing beauty where natural beauty lies, men see a bag of bones (sometimes even blown up in select spots with other substances, and colored so many colors of the rainbow) and think, yup, that's pretty.
We've all been lied to. Told that our bodies are dangerous. Ravenous. Not to be trusted. Out to harm us. Work against us. That they are imperfect. Stupid.
Bodies, that WITHOUT intervention can create and sustain life, are too stupid to know what and when and how much to eat. Imagine that.
I for one, am giving the power back to MY BODY. This amazing being that carries me about my daily life... that lets me feel, and experience. I believe in it. I believe in my body's strength to fight against all the harm I have caused it over the years... not just all the crap that I have continually shoveled into it, but also all the hateful words that I have slung at it, hoping that they would change something. I believe in my bodies ability to heal. To show me, that even after great pain and suffering, there is regrowth, renewal, healing. My body knows. My body is willing to share. I am ready to listen.
Did you know that children are born able to listen to their bodies, a skill that most of us adults have long since lost? The studies have been done... the data collected... given a healthy variety of foods, a child will naturally eat a balanced diet in a few days time. Not at every meal. In a few days time. Given a healthy variety of food. Not "McD's or hotdogs?"
I've been working on "conscious eating" for a few months now. Eat what you want, when you want it, and stop when you have had enough. It's such a simple concept that I'm sure MANY would want to argue "It won't work!" Well... I'm keeping my head up, and my hopes too... because I believe that if I give up control long enough, I will regain what I had as a child. Regain the ability for not only my body to know what I need, but the ability for my mind to hear it.
I have been plagued recently with thoughts about the diet industry in America and here in Latvia. While my boyfriend thinks I am beautiful, and is happy with what he's got in me... he told me the other day that a woman we saw on tv who was so skinny you could count her ribs was beautiful. Now, I'm not arguing... she had a pretty face. But her body was a tortured being. No normal well fed adult woman has ribs like that poking out of her sides. Sorry, I don't believe it. And I know this. So, why did I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, and a frown on my face, if I KNOW that this is not a healthy way to be?
Well DS and I discussed today... we're pretty sure we're past "fixing" when it comes to our own attitudes. It's been ingrained in us to feel like we also need to be like this. We're not sure if we can change that now... if we can ever get rid of that little voice... at this point, the fight is to quiet it, to appreciate other things, and hope that that voice will just leave you alone.
My head is a-jumble with thoughts on this subject... the why's and the who's and how come's. Like, even for money, why would corporations want to create a whole world of people who will hate themselves? Who decided in recent history that skin and bones skinny was pretty... and who conceded that it was true? And why, didn't someone, anyone along the way, let me know it was all a lie?
And you know what is worse... the women, we are the ones who suffer about all this... but the men... they have been affected too... when instead of actually seeing beauty where natural beauty lies, men see a bag of bones (sometimes even blown up in select spots with other substances, and colored so many colors of the rainbow) and think, yup, that's pretty.
We've all been lied to. Told that our bodies are dangerous. Ravenous. Not to be trusted. Out to harm us. Work against us. That they are imperfect. Stupid.
Bodies, that WITHOUT intervention can create and sustain life, are too stupid to know what and when and how much to eat. Imagine that.
I for one, am giving the power back to MY BODY. This amazing being that carries me about my daily life... that lets me feel, and experience. I believe in it. I believe in my body's strength to fight against all the harm I have caused it over the years... not just all the crap that I have continually shoveled into it, but also all the hateful words that I have slung at it, hoping that they would change something. I believe in my bodies ability to heal. To show me, that even after great pain and suffering, there is regrowth, renewal, healing. My body knows. My body is willing to share. I am ready to listen.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
The meaning of life
It's been four months, only four, since GS and I started spending time together. We just counted the other day. When I said, "It seems like it's been longer", he answered with, "A lifetime already." This he said in that loving, caring, I would be happy to know you for a life time way, not the when will it end way. So when things are going so swimmingly, one (me) is left to wonder what the hell else is going on...
It's been almost 6 months since I wrote my last seething words to the one who came before. Our last conversations and emails were so full of hate and hurt and disappointment... So why, in this time of apparent happiness, am I left wondering what HG is up to these days?
Is it natural when the pain, and hurt and anger have finally worn off, to start wondering what your ex's are up to? To start remembering the days when you actually had fun together? The days when I love you's were expressed with nearly every breath? The days before it all went wrong?
I wouldn't go back. As I sit and listen to GS strum a made up tune on his guitar (in a new home for now, MY home) I am happy. I sometimes still stop and think, "Is this real?" I look at him and squeeze him, and whisper words into his ear... "Es tevi milu." "Wo ai ni." And he looks back at me, and before he lands a sweet kiss on my lips, he whispers them back. Life is good.
I just read in the book I am reading (Expecting Adam by Martha Beck), "The meaning of life is not what happens to people. The meaning of life is what happens between people."
Maybe it is natural to wonder, to think about someone from the past... wonder if they ever wonder about you... and maybe even to think about how else it could have happened, when else it could have ended, how that would have changed me, or him. In the end, it ended the way it did, and there is nothing to do about that now except learn from it...and continue to hold dear the moments that were once dear...
In any case, there is a love song sounding out from the guitar now... and its calling me away from this here computer... calling me to enjoy the things that happen between people in small moments like these. Moments, that I will hopefully be able to cherish forever, no matter how or when or if it ends.
It's been almost 6 months since I wrote my last seething words to the one who came before. Our last conversations and emails were so full of hate and hurt and disappointment... So why, in this time of apparent happiness, am I left wondering what HG is up to these days?
Is it natural when the pain, and hurt and anger have finally worn off, to start wondering what your ex's are up to? To start remembering the days when you actually had fun together? The days when I love you's were expressed with nearly every breath? The days before it all went wrong?
I wouldn't go back. As I sit and listen to GS strum a made up tune on his guitar (in a new home for now, MY home) I am happy. I sometimes still stop and think, "Is this real?" I look at him and squeeze him, and whisper words into his ear... "Es tevi milu." "Wo ai ni." And he looks back at me, and before he lands a sweet kiss on my lips, he whispers them back. Life is good.
I just read in the book I am reading (Expecting Adam by Martha Beck), "The meaning of life is not what happens to people. The meaning of life is what happens between people."
Maybe it is natural to wonder, to think about someone from the past... wonder if they ever wonder about you... and maybe even to think about how else it could have happened, when else it could have ended, how that would have changed me, or him. In the end, it ended the way it did, and there is nothing to do about that now except learn from it...and continue to hold dear the moments that were once dear...
In any case, there is a love song sounding out from the guitar now... and its calling me away from this here computer... calling me to enjoy the things that happen between people in small moments like these. Moments, that I will hopefully be able to cherish forever, no matter how or when or if it ends.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Home...
I remember how in college we used to say "going home" and "going home home". Going home meant going back to the dorm, or the apartment you were living in at the time. But home home was where your parents lived, where you had grown up, where most of us still had a room full of our stuff.
What happens when this room full of stuff ceases to exist, but you've yet to establish a new one?
In the three or four years since we graduated from collge, a couple of my friends have already gone the route of marrying, buying a house, establishing what is THEIRS. I don't doubt that they have any trouble defining the word home.
I, on the other hand, do.
I have "home" where I live... where I keep my stuff, eat, return to after a long day, and sleep. A place I feel safe... and where most of the time, I can walk around naked if I want. Maybe, just maybe, this place feels like home a little more, because this is where I have my cat, and this is where I spend most of my time with GS. Home is after all, where the heart is, right?
What was that 80's song that went something along the lines of "searching, trying to find my place in this world..."???
Yes, the world is large, and without any direct ties keeping me in one place, it is all at my fingertips... I can go, work, live just about anywhere I want to. How, just how, do I figure out, WHERE is the right place?
What happens when this room full of stuff ceases to exist, but you've yet to establish a new one?
In the three or four years since we graduated from collge, a couple of my friends have already gone the route of marrying, buying a house, establishing what is THEIRS. I don't doubt that they have any trouble defining the word home.
I, on the other hand, do.
I have "home" where I live... where I keep my stuff, eat, return to after a long day, and sleep. A place I feel safe... and where most of the time, I can walk around naked if I want. Maybe, just maybe, this place feels like home a little more, because this is where I have my cat, and this is where I spend most of my time with GS. Home is after all, where the heart is, right?
What was that 80's song that went something along the lines of "searching, trying to find my place in this world..."???
Yes, the world is large, and without any direct ties keeping me in one place, it is all at my fingertips... I can go, work, live just about anywhere I want to. How, just how, do I figure out, WHERE is the right place?
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Robbie Williams in Gothenburg, Sweden
On July 1 I got to go to my first (and admittedly, probably only) Robbie Williams concert. I went with my two cousins and the one cousin's fiance. Cousin #1 is a HUGE fan... going to 4 concerts this tour, all in different European cities. While I didn't even know that much of Robbie's music before the concert, I can now call myself a fan. We waited in line and in crazy mobs for hours, all in the blazing hot sun, to get good standing spots. We ended up with only two rows of people in front of us. The stadium was packed with 60,000 people. It was a sold out show. Robbie put on quite a performance...admitting that he was "fu*king gutted" that England had just lost in the World Cup, only brought on more love from the audience, which in turn seemed to fuel his own desire to be real and have fun. Here I've posted some of the pics that Cousin #1 snapped during the show. Oh, and lest I forget, Basement Jaxx opened for Robbie... and they were GREAT! I knew a lot of their music, and it was a huge bonus (since I didn't even know) that they were playing! Now, people in the States, catch on... this guy's good! :)
Intimate sadness
Being a woman is a blessing. I know this. Experiencing being a woman can be hard.
Since I was 12, I have been having a period on an almost monthly basis. There were the years pre-birth control when they came according to no schedule, the many years on birth control when they came like clock work, every fourth Tuesday morning... and now there are the months post birth conrtol, when they are once again coming as they seem to please. The good news is that at this age, I am more in touch with my body, and can read the signs that a period might be in the works... even if it's taking more than a "usual" amount of time to come.
Sunday, after almost two months, cleansing started again. But with this period, came a feeling I had never experienced before. I felt, much to my own surprise, extreme sadness at what this period meant. I'm not pregnant.
I'm not trying to get pregnant. While GS and I have been happily dating since March, and are now fully into the misty eyes and I love you's phase of the relationship, we are NO WHERE near being ready to have a child. Basically, I'm not married, I'm not sure that I have even met the right man, I have a job, a good job, but have trouble managing my money to make my own ends meet...and let's face it... I live a carefree life of doing whatever the heck I please, because I don't have anyone else to answer to. Despite all of this... I was sad, extremely sad, that I was not pregnant. I realized that since I have been having regular (good, satisfying, loving) protected sex, that I must have been hoping a condom would break somewhere along the line.
For months now, I have been in the throes of trying to figure out how I can possibly be wanting so very much to get pregnant, when it would probably only serve to complicate my life in ways that I cannot imagine. I have come to no conclusions. I am still very confused on the subject. But my reaction at that moment when I realized that my body was again cleansing, and preparing for another cycle, rather than already actually growing anything forced me to realize that this is something I need to take seriously. That is, I need to take myself seriously on this matter. I don't know when and how I will be able to figure anything out... writing, thinking, talking so far have gotten me no where.
People keep saying that I need to just listen to my heart... that if having a child right now is the right thing, I will hear it, feel it, know it. I guess there are too many voices inside competing with my true voice. It doesn't seem that I can hear any kind of clarity.
Bearing a child, raising him or her, watching them grow is an experience that I consider an integral part of being a woman. It is a blessing that I hope to experience, probably sooner than later. I can only hope that as I continue on this path of investigating what will be right for my life, that sooner or later I will be able to decipher which is my voice, which is the true one, and then pray that life grants me the blessings for which I long.
Since I was 12, I have been having a period on an almost monthly basis. There were the years pre-birth control when they came according to no schedule, the many years on birth control when they came like clock work, every fourth Tuesday morning... and now there are the months post birth conrtol, when they are once again coming as they seem to please. The good news is that at this age, I am more in touch with my body, and can read the signs that a period might be in the works... even if it's taking more than a "usual" amount of time to come.
Sunday, after almost two months, cleansing started again. But with this period, came a feeling I had never experienced before. I felt, much to my own surprise, extreme sadness at what this period meant. I'm not pregnant.
I'm not trying to get pregnant. While GS and I have been happily dating since March, and are now fully into the misty eyes and I love you's phase of the relationship, we are NO WHERE near being ready to have a child. Basically, I'm not married, I'm not sure that I have even met the right man, I have a job, a good job, but have trouble managing my money to make my own ends meet...and let's face it... I live a carefree life of doing whatever the heck I please, because I don't have anyone else to answer to. Despite all of this... I was sad, extremely sad, that I was not pregnant. I realized that since I have been having regular (good, satisfying, loving) protected sex, that I must have been hoping a condom would break somewhere along the line.
For months now, I have been in the throes of trying to figure out how I can possibly be wanting so very much to get pregnant, when it would probably only serve to complicate my life in ways that I cannot imagine. I have come to no conclusions. I am still very confused on the subject. But my reaction at that moment when I realized that my body was again cleansing, and preparing for another cycle, rather than already actually growing anything forced me to realize that this is something I need to take seriously. That is, I need to take myself seriously on this matter. I don't know when and how I will be able to figure anything out... writing, thinking, talking so far have gotten me no where.
People keep saying that I need to just listen to my heart... that if having a child right now is the right thing, I will hear it, feel it, know it. I guess there are too many voices inside competing with my true voice. It doesn't seem that I can hear any kind of clarity.
Bearing a child, raising him or her, watching them grow is an experience that I consider an integral part of being a woman. It is a blessing that I hope to experience, probably sooner than later. I can only hope that as I continue on this path of investigating what will be right for my life, that sooner or later I will be able to decipher which is my voice, which is the true one, and then pray that life grants me the blessings for which I long.
Today... Tuesday, July 11
It's been a while in the making... I've been thinking about starting one of these...
It seems the easiest way to go, seeing as I have so much to say and all...
Here you'll find me... as I change from day to day... which is really how it goes...
I'll try to document my travels, my experiences, notes frome the classroom, my struggles, my loves, and there are sure to be more than one whining notes about life abroad. But so it goes.
Today, as it may be, is a Tuesday. I'm just about one month into summer break. Ah, the joys of being a teacher. Today is the second day of summer break that I have done absolutely nothing. It feels great. This is the kind of relaxing that probably not that many people get to do... but also the kind that is, in my opinion, absolutely vital to teachers.
I guess there isn't that much to share on a a second day of doing nothing... but surely, tomorrow, will be a new day and a new me. And tomorrow, there might be something more. ;)
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