To be or not to be...

friends with an ex?

Well... I know how I feel about it.

let's take a look... possible situation...

You look over the bar... your eyes meet... you gravitate towards each other... you end up dancing all night... you THINK you know his name... as you stumble home from the bar together, you know his name, where he works, and that you think he's HOT. You fall in bed. The next morning, you roll over, look at each other... share a morning-breath kiss, laugh... you can tell this is actually going to go somewhere.

You spend the whole day together, and the next week... A month later, all you know is you're in a relationship and quite happy about it. More months pass... you find reasons to spend time together... you find out about each other's emotional and intelligent sides... maybe you meet some family... you find the things that you can tolerate doing together... even though your taste in music, books (he hasn't read one EVER), and food are totally different... you find that you can compromise on which movies to watch, which bars to drink at, and which sexual position to assume. Things are good. You're happy getting to know someone... although, quite alarmingly, as you get to talking more and more about the things that are most important to you in life... you find out that these things are just as different as your shoe size.

Another month goes by, and you realize that, without bars and sex, this relationship hasn't got much going for it. It's not that you don't love him... because you do... after 6 months of playing house together, you know each other's routines... you know how to please each other, what to do to make the other one smile... but you also KNOW that you will not be able to fulfill each other's desires in life... not just that, but you will not even be able to walk down a similar path together... so even though daily life *is* ok... it's time to end it. So now... when you take away the sex and the bars... is it really worth "staying friends"? (Even though you were NEVER friends to begin with?)

I would answer this question with a resounding no. If friendship isn't where it started, then friendship is NOT where it's going to end. At least not in my experience so far.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I firmly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all. After HG I almost lost that one... but, luckily, I can still see the good that came out of that... and I am glad for having had the experience. But, does that mean that I should try to be friends with him? No.

I have loved many times in my life. They have been different kinds of loves... some serious, some not so much... some that masked themselves as love, when what I was really searching for was some love of self... but they have ALL been worth it. I have gained something from each and every relationship and emotion that I have had. And I do not regret any of them. None. But does that mean that I should remain friends with them? No.

People come in and out of your life. Some stay... some just leave an impression. (I know there is some great quote about this thought, but I can't remember it right now...) When it comes to relationships ending, I find that it is better to let them end. Even in the few cases when I have TRIED to remain friends with an ex... one of two things happen... 1) you end up having sex again, or getting hurt again, because one of you continues to have feelings etc, that the other one doesn't, or 2) you really quickly run out of things to talk about and then you stop "being friends" anyway, or someone gets hurt... because, you spent all that time together, when if you ran out of things to talk about, you could just kiss and hug and have sex and pretend that you didn't run out of things to talk about... but when sex is no longer an option... and you run out of things to talk about... you're screwed. So... why put yourself through that?

Now... if you started off as friends... knew each other a long time, or even a short time, but none-the-less started off as friends, and then just gave it the "Could this be something more?" that turned into the "Oh God, no, this is SO not anything more"... there is a chance that you could remain friends after a substantial break from each other. (Enough time to get the thought of each other's naked body out of your head.) This is your only chance.

This is my experience... and this is my blog... so what I say goes. :) So when my ex is now emailing me, asking me why I'm giving him the silent treatment, I told him straight up... I'm not... I'm just moving on.

And that is NOT to say that if I see him on the street I won't be polite... God help me, when I do run into him (he lives so close, it's BOUND to happen) I will be alone, and not with my new beau... but when I run into him, I will say hi, politely ask how he's been... tell him how I am... I will smile, and I will give a little laugh remembering how things used to be between us (because at one point, it was VERY good)... and then I will say, it was nice to see you... I wish you all the best... and I will walk away... with no lies about "we should get together" or "I'll call you", because we shouldn't... and I won't. But I will treasure our memories as a part of my experience forever... I will thank you for having helped make me the person I am today... because without you, I would not be the same...but, what we had is over now... and it shall remain as a part of my past... and we will not be friends.

And so I say, it is not to be...