It will come as no surprise, that the longer I do this parenting thing, the more I understand what is meant by the phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child."
The phrase always seemed kind of obvious to me before- of course, none of us can do it on our own. Not even as couples can we meet all the needs of a growing child. I got it. But ooooeeeee, do I GET it now. And I can only imagine, how much more I will get it, come the teenage years. Anyway, that's another post.
Anyone who knows me, knows that my take on babies is that they should be with their mother. Pretty much full stop. I have no proof, but I think babies and mammas do better (in the big picture) when they are together most hours of the day. So why would that take a village? Well, because while mamma is so busy taking care of the baby, someone ELSE has to be taking care of the big kids, taking care of the house, taking care of meals, taking care of earning a living. There are lots of times when I think more than anything, the village just has to SUPPORT parents. They don't have to do the actual hands on work with the baby, they have to do the behind the scenes stuff of the house and family.
I am so grateful for all the help I've had that came in this shape from my parents, friends, in-laws... it is invaluable!
But there is more to this supporting the parents. And I've realized recently that it also comes in the form of talking- emotional, been there/done that/its normal/you'll survive kind of support. Modern life, with all of us living in our own little houses behind closed doors, is just so good for letting us only show the good. But, I am sure, that back in the day, when we lived in villages, when things were, I don't know, just different than they are now, mammas and daddies couldn't help but share what was going on. I've hit some pretty big emotional walls recently, and found myself staring into the abyss of, "Why am I the only one who feels this way? Why can't I do this just like all my friends do?" But come to find out, the stuff I'm feeling, as well as the stuff I'm up against, is actually pretty normal. I'm not the only one feeling that way. But it's just, no one was really talking about that stuff. And it took me really laying out all my vulnerabilities and admitting to my friends that I thought I was suffering some form of super anxiety for them to admit to me, that no, they feel that way too. Sigh of relief. It stinks that in parenting (maybe especially modern day parenting, when parents are expected to do so much more than just parent) we come up against so much hard stuff, and we're not allowed, by some unwritten rule, to talk about it.
On this same note, when you're dealing with a phase with one of your children, especially if it is your first, it is so easy to feel like first, no one else has ever had to deal with this, and second, that it is your fault. It stinks. When Beni was whatever age, and still not sleeping through the night by any stretch, I did feel like she was the only child her age that wasn't doing it, and I definitely blamed myself. And then one day, my mom finally told me that I didn't sleep through the night until I was at least 18 mos old. Suddenly, to find out my daughter might just be like me... well, phew. Honestly, it made me feel a lot better. Older generations aren't doing us any favors by not telling us what we were like as kids ourselves. My mom was a stay at home/work from home mom for our first years, and when she and I talk about what it's like to be home all day with more than one child, and she can still NOW remember the desperation, exhaustion and frustration that accompanied so many days, it makes me feel like far less of a failure. Because if there is one thing I know about my mom, it's that she is a good mom. So if she felt that stuff, and still remembers it 30 years later... maybe I'm not doing so badly.
So that's my take on emotional support- yes, I place it first in importance over physical support. But, physical support is no doubt important as well. The biggest way in which this has hit me lately, is when dealing with a demanding toddler. What I wouldn't give to be able to drop her off at my mom's house a few mornings a week! My goodness! Actually, this would come as emotional and physical support. I never really feel that way about my babies, but, apparently, I do not have the necessary patience to remain in control (of myself) when I'm dealing with a toddler 24/7. It's a whole other ball game, and if you ask me, it's a hell of a lot harder! Seriously, when someone spends almost the entire day yelling at you, working against you, etc, it's hard to like them at the end of the day. Thank goodness they're so cute when they're asleep- it their saving grace! But of course, if I wasn't spending all day with her, it would be a lot easier.
But see, this is where my own parenting philosophy just makes things a tad more complicated- I also don't think she "needs" school right now, and I KNOW I don't need work. ;) It's not that either of us is lacking for some other kind of interaction- we maybe just need some interaction with other people. Which is why, being able to drop her with a grandparent would be perfect. She would still get the one on one time she needs with a VIP in her life, and I would get a break from her, to remember how much I love her. :)
There is another aspect to the village here though which is so important, and maybe more and more as the children grow. Which is that I am not, cannot be, and should not be everything to my kids- I won't be able to meet all their needs, or even all their interests. Even now, it has already been pretty well marked out- I'm the carer parent- not exclusively- but much more so than Joel. When it comes to taking care of food, clothing, hygiene, and bumped heads and bruised knees, the kids turn to me. Middle of the night comforting? Me. However, when it comes to playing? That's all Joel. Ok, not exclusively. I do play with my kids, but mostly, it's not the main way I choose to interact with them. We cuddle and snuggle and talk, and when they actually want to play, they go off on their own, or find someone else. They have lots of go to play people, so that I don't have to be. I will sit and read books because, hello, totally my thing. Go outside and shoot hoops? Ask your father. I also am not going to be the person who teaches my kids how to fish or hunt, play most sports, or change the oil or tire on their car. And I'm ok with that. There are a LOT of other people in our village that can do all of that- and who will do it much better than I ever could!
I was talking to a couple other moms today about how the "it takes a village" principle applies when you don't actually live in your village. One mom said, "Yeah, back home you can count on family, they're your village. Here, you have to hire your village." Sigh. Yeah, that's the thing right there. I don't want to hire my village. It's not that I don't want my kids to have meaningful relationships with anyone other than myself. It's that, especially at this young age, I would rather they had meaningful relationships with meaningful people. Yes, yes, we made this bed...
Anyway, it just gives me more drive to get us back to the States. My children's village will never be easily defined, because it will always span the world. But, for daily life, I think there is a better way to do it, than what we have right now. And I think that involved family. I guess I could end on another cliche- having kids changes EVERYTHING!
