It takes a village

It will come as no surprise, that the longer I do this parenting thing, the more I understand what is meant by the phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child."

The phrase always seemed kind of obvious to me before- of course, none of us can do it on our own.  Not even as couples can we meet all the needs of a growing child.  I got it.  But ooooeeeee, do I GET it now.  And I can only imagine, how much more I will get it, come the teenage years.  Anyway, that's another post.

Anyone who knows me, knows that my take on babies is that they should be with their mother.  Pretty much full stop.  I have no proof, but I think babies and mammas do better (in the big picture) when they are together most hours of the day.  So why would that take a village?  Well, because while mamma is so busy taking care of the baby, someone ELSE has to be taking care of the big kids, taking care of the house, taking care of meals, taking care of earning a living. There are lots of times when I think more than anything, the village just has to SUPPORT parents.  They don't have to do the actual hands on work with the baby, they have to do the behind the scenes stuff of the house and family.

I am so grateful for all the help I've had that came in this shape from my parents, friends, in-laws... it is invaluable!

But there is more to this supporting the parents.  And I've realized recently that it also comes in the form of talking- emotional, been there/done that/its normal/you'll survive kind of support.  Modern life, with all of us living in our own little houses behind closed doors, is just so good for letting us only show the good. But, I am sure, that back in the day, when we lived in villages, when things were, I don't know, just different than they are now, mammas and daddies couldn't help but share what was going on.  I've hit some pretty big emotional walls recently, and found myself staring into the abyss of, "Why am I the only one who feels this way?  Why can't I do this just like all my friends do?"  But come to find out, the stuff I'm feeling, as well as the stuff I'm up against, is actually pretty normal.  I'm not the only one feeling that way.  But it's just, no one was really talking about that stuff.  And it took me really laying out all my vulnerabilities and admitting to my friends that I thought I was suffering some form of super anxiety for them to admit to me, that no, they feel that way too.  Sigh of relief.  It stinks that in parenting (maybe especially modern day parenting, when parents are expected to do so much more than just parent) we come up against so much hard stuff, and we're not allowed, by some unwritten rule, to talk about it.

On this same note, when you're dealing with a phase with one of your children, especially if it is your first, it is so easy to feel like first, no one else has ever had to deal with this, and second, that it is your fault.  It stinks.  When Beni was whatever age, and still not sleeping through the night by any stretch, I did feel like she was the only child her age that wasn't doing it, and I definitely blamed myself.  And then one day, my mom finally told me that I didn't sleep through the night until I was at least 18 mos old.  Suddenly, to find out my daughter might just be like me... well, phew.  Honestly, it made me feel a lot better.  Older generations aren't doing us any favors by not telling us what we were like as kids ourselves.  My mom was a stay at home/work from home mom for our first years, and when she and I talk about what it's like to be home all day with more than one child, and she can still NOW remember the desperation, exhaustion and frustration that accompanied so many days, it makes me feel like far less of a failure.  Because if there is one thing I know about my mom, it's that she is a good mom.  So if she felt that stuff, and still remembers it 30 years later... maybe I'm not doing so badly.

So that's my take on emotional support- yes, I place it first in importance over physical support. But, physical support is no doubt important as well.  The biggest way in which this has hit me lately, is when dealing with a demanding toddler.  What I wouldn't give to be able to drop her off at my mom's house a few mornings a week!  My goodness! Actually, this would come as emotional and physical support.  I never really feel that way about my babies, but, apparently, I do not have the necessary patience to remain in control (of myself) when I'm dealing with a toddler 24/7.  It's a whole other ball game, and if you ask me, it's a hell of a lot harder!  Seriously, when someone spends almost the entire day yelling at you, working against you, etc, it's hard to like them at the end of the day.  Thank goodness they're so cute when they're asleep- it their saving grace! But of course, if I wasn't spending all day with her, it would be a lot easier.

But see, this is where my own parenting philosophy just makes things a tad more complicated- I also don't think she "needs" school right now, and I KNOW I don't need work. ;)  It's not that either of us is lacking for some other kind of interaction- we maybe just need some interaction with other people. Which is why, being able to drop her with a grandparent would be perfect.  She would still get the one on one time she needs with a VIP in her life, and I would get a break from her, to remember how much I love her. :)

There is another aspect to the village here though which is so important, and maybe more and more as the children grow.  Which is that I am not, cannot be, and should not be everything to my kids- I won't be able to meet all their needs, or even all their interests.  Even now, it has already been pretty well marked out- I'm the carer parent- not exclusively- but much more so than Joel.  When it comes to taking care of food, clothing, hygiene, and bumped heads and bruised knees, the kids turn to me.  Middle of the night comforting? Me.  However, when it comes to playing? That's all Joel.  Ok, not exclusively.  I do play with my kids, but mostly, it's not the main way I choose to interact with them.  We cuddle and snuggle and talk, and when they actually want to play, they go off on their own, or find someone else.  They have lots of go to play people, so that I don't have to be.  I will sit and read books because, hello, totally my thing.  Go outside and shoot hoops?  Ask your father.  I also am not going to be the person who teaches my kids how to fish or hunt, play most sports, or change the oil or tire on their car.  And I'm ok with that.  There are a LOT of other people in our village that can do all of that- and who will do it much better than I ever could!

I was talking to a couple other moms today about how the "it takes a village" principle applies when you don't actually live in your village.  One mom said, "Yeah, back home you can count on family, they're your village.  Here, you have to hire your village."  Sigh.  Yeah, that's the thing right there.  I don't want to hire my village.  It's not that I don't want my kids to have meaningful relationships with anyone other than myself. It's that, especially at this young age, I would rather they had meaningful relationships with meaningful people.  Yes, yes, we made this bed...

Anyway, it just gives me more drive to get us back to the States.  My children's village will never be easily defined, because it will always span the world.  But, for daily life, I think there is a better way to do it, than what we have right now.  And I think that involved family.  I guess I could end on another cliche- having kids changes EVERYTHING!

Update in 5 parts

Zintis: Almost 5 months old now, he's amazing.  He is so big!  Of course, I only have his sister to compare him to, and he's way bigger than she was at his age.  Actually, he was bigger at 4 mos, than she was at 6 mos!  He's not a chunky baby, but he's solid and tall.  I just started the process of moving him up to 9 mos size clothes.  I think he might actually be growing as I write this RIGHT NOW.  The last few days he's been very nearly either eating, sleeping or crawling.  Definitely seems like a growth spurt!
Also, he's crawling!!  Only an army crawl right now, but still.  He's very intentionally moving himself forward- dragging himself with his forearms, and helping push himself along with his toes.  It is ridiculously cute, and amazing. :)
He's very interested in what happens around the dinner table, which I know is a sign of his natural baby curiosity, not of hunger.  He tries to grab food and plates all the time.  It's awesome.  I'm excited because I plan to do Baby-Led Weaning with him (yes, because I pretty much hated the whole experience of purees with Beni- it was stressful, and I have no intention of repeating it!).  Yesterday he actually managed to grab a handful of my salad- some lettuce and carrots and dressing- but I took it away from him.  Not quite yet, buddy!
He drools and gums thing in the style that has everyone constantly saying, "Oh, does he have a tooth coming through?"  But, there is no sign of any actual teeth yet.  No doubt they are moving below the surface, but, none coming through yet.  And, if you look at his gums, the biggest lumps he has under his gums are at his cuspids- not in the front on top or bottom.  It will be interesting to see where the first tooth pops through.  It is rare that children teeth "out of order" but it certainly does happen.
He continues to smile, smile, smile and watch the world go by.  He is very alert, and very intent on watching.  People comment on it a lot.  Hopefully, it's a sign of his amazing intellect. :)

Benita: Officially two and a half now!  Fully day potty trained, and working toward waking up dry.  It isn't happening yet, but, she's waking up with a much lighter diaper than she was for a while there, so maybe soon. She is still sleeping in her own bed, though most mornings she comes into our room around 6 or 6:30 (when Joel is up already anyway), and snuggles in.  Sometimes she'll fall back asleep for an hour, and sometimes she'll just climb on us, talk to us and sing loudly until we wake up (this applies to weekends, of course).  She seems to do better overall on the days that she sleeps a little longer, but what can you do.  So hard to tell a kid they'd feel better if they just kept sleeping.
We had an afternoon the other day when on the way home from running some errands she was just sitting in her seat screeching about nothing.  I told her right then and there that she was acting that way because she was tired because she hadn't taken a nap that day.  She quieted down and listened to what I was saying, but, I doubt that it will have any impact next time she's telling me she doesn't want a nap.
She is starting to get very interested in letters.  She can and does recognize the letter B in print anywhere she comes across it.  I taught Kindergarten long enough to know there are 5 year olds out there that don't recognize letters, so I'm pretty impressed with her.  She had me writing out her name and her cousin Gabe's names the other day- when she saw the B in Gabe's name, she said, "Oh, Bubba has da B, too!"  She's so smart!
But oooeeee, does she have a temper.  She goes from zero to screaming at an inanimate object in 2.2 seconds.  She gets so frustrated when she can't get something to work like she wants it to, or like she thinks it should.  I don't know where she gets that from. ;)
She talks in lovely full sentences- except on Skype, where she stares blankly at the screen, only to talk up a storm as soon as we've said goodbye to whomever we were talking to. She repeats things she hears whether on tv or said by us.  She has started experimenting with using angry words, which I prefer to using angry touching (hitting, kicking, etc).  When she does this I can ask her if she is angry, without having to reprimand her actions.  It's very interesting to watch.  She is also repeating loving words though.  The other night at bedtime while giving Joel a hug goodnight she said, "My best, best friend!"  This is from a show called Giggle and Hoot that has a snippet and song about best friends, but it was more than heartwarming to hear her say it to her dad.  We can only hope that feeling lasts a long, long time for her.  Joel and I find ourselves listening to her and smiling at each other often.  She has a very creative imagination, and she seems to remember a whole lot.  She makes up stories, or repeats things that happened days ago.
I'm not big on fostering independence in very small children, except, I realize, in one thing- play.  And Beni does really well with this.  Her imagination takes her all over, and she certainly has enough stuff to fuel the fire.  That said, recently, her favorite things to do are to go outside and play in her sandbox and swing on her swing (which she does by herself), to use toilet paper and paper towel tubes as clothing, telescope and horn (by herself), to read books (by herself), or to play with her dolls- which she often does by copying when I am actively taking care of Zintis in some way.  It really is amazing to watch her.

Joel: Working like crazy.  His schedule at school is non-stop.  He barely gets any time to pause during the day, he works through his lunch hour doing extras (basketball practices and so on), he does more than his fair share of after school activities, and of course he's fulfilling his duties as classroom teacher.  Beyond all that, he is teaching swimming lessons to lots of kids around the city now in their private pools.  His intentions are the best- he's doing what he gets paid to do, he's doing what he sees a need for that no one else is stepping up to the plate to do, and finally, he's taking on the swimming lessons to both further support our family, and again to meet a great demand in the community.  He comes home every day absolutely spent.  It's tough.  We're all hoping that he might get to move from being a classroom teacher to PE teacher next school year.  It's a change he's been hoping for for a couple years now, and one that would rekindle his spirit a bit to where he might not be so completely exhausted when he came home, but instead tired but sort of invigorated by what he's done all day.
He's still nursing an injury he received in his regular, twice weekly, social basketball game.  He took an elbow straight to the jaw joint, which sort of impacted it or something.  At first we thought it was dislocated or broken. Then we found out it was just very badly bruised and swollen, but it was bad enough that he couldn't talk or eat.  His hectic schedule keeps him away from home a lot more than the kids and I would like him to be, so it's nice for US to have him not going to basketball for a few weeks while that heals, but, I know he misses it.

Mara: Plugging along doing what I do.  Nothing too special or impressive.  Mommying two kids, and trying to take care of myself and the house.  Some days it's overwhelming and some days it's good.  I started exercising in early September.  I set up a schedule for myself- I started with 4 days a week, and after 8 weeks, I moved to 5 days a week- and have kept to it religiously.  I haven't missed a single workout in that time, which frankly, I'm still impressed with.  I do short 30 minute workouts on the days I do them, but apparently they are working to some extent.  I haven't really lost any weight, but I just found out the other day that I have taken about 2 inches off my belly.  I'm quite happy about that!  And I am stronger and more fit- I can feel muscle definition below my layer of soft, even if I can't see it.  It feels good to know I am taking care of myself, to know I am modeling this positive behavior for my kids, to know I am doing what I can to be able to be there for them, and eventually to still be able to run around, go for walks, play on the floor, etc, etc with my grandkids, too.  It's hard to think about grandkids when your own children are only tiny, but, I know the time will come faster than I think.
I'm facing an end to my "cushy" (said with a bit, but not too much, sarcasm) stay at home mom lifestyle.  Our family's finances are begging for a second income, and given being able to work out childcare, etc, it looks like I will be heading back to work part-time.  It's a bit frustrating because the options for part time work around here are not as many as they might be elsewhere.  It pretty much comes down to doing substitute teaching at school.  It's not a bad gig, well, I don't think so, I haven't actually done it yet, but, I might choose some other option if I was in the States.  In any case, at this point it seems we may have found ourselves an English-speaking nanny, who will be available to us in April, when the family she is working for now, leaves Vientiane.  So, I have until then to enjoy still being at home, to nurse Zintis without the added responsibility of pumping, and to not worry about how someone else will take care of my kids differently than I do.
In sort of big news, after 11 years as a strict vegetarian, I have added fish back into my diet.  It was a pretty big deal for me, and it took a couple weeks of thinking about it and talking about it with several different people before I finally did it.  My first meat in so long was a tuna sandwich.  I ate it happily, having said a small thanks to the fish that gave its life for my lunch, and I felt fine afterwards.  Since then I have had tuna several more times, and I also had a prawn curry the other night.  Prawns were always one of my favorite meat foods, so taste-wise I was excited to welcome them back into my diet.  The curry was excellent, and I see myself enjoying a lot more fish, especially while we're still living here in Asia.  Although, I also foresee that most of my fish-enjoying will be in restaurants as Joel does not particularly care for fish, and so far, Beni doesn't either.  So, tuna, lots of tuna, at home, and salmon and prawns and who knows what else, when we're out.  And of course, I'm actually still eating plenty of vegetarian meals as well.  I have no intention of giving up the health benefits that come along with a mostly plant-based diet.  I still love tofu and tempeh and eggs and beans, and will continue to eat them as often as I can instead of animal proteins.  I can see that eventually I might add back in some other meats when we have access to my family's hunts, etc... but for now, I think I will stick with fish.

All of us: We're looking at moving back to the States.  Yep.  We've begun gathering papers for the application process for Joel's green card.  We're looking at how we would make it work financially, and how we would have to plan baby #3 around that.  We're looking into job opportunities for myself and Joel.  But, we also just signed on for another year in Laos- so the earliest we would be back in the States is June 2014, which is kind of a long way off still.  It's exciting and anxiety producing at the same time.  There are a lot of things about it that I'm looking forward to, and a lot of things I know I'll miss about living abroad when we leave that behind.  But there is that saying, "If mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  I know that happiness isn't found based on any one place, but, creating circumstances in your life that support your happiness can make a difference.  Luckily, Joel likes the idea of living in the States as well, as long as we can figure it out financially, so we're good there.  I know the kids will love having more family around too (although we will DEFINITELY miss Jon, Courtney and Gabe!), and all the opportunities (you know, like, parks, libraries, sidewalks, movie theaters, playgroups and classes and clubs, etc) that living in the States will afford them.

 So that's the update on us.  Lots going on.  Lots of big and little things to think about, try to remember, to enjoy.  Although we also have plenty to worry about, we are definitely a blessed family, and we know it.                        

And nobody died

Beni slept in her own bed, in her own room last night, and nobody died.  (Yes, for a long time I've been pretty sure that not sharing air with her would result in one of us dying at night, and the same goes for Zintis now.  We all have our thing!)

She's sick now.  Hand, foot and mouth disease (HFMD), I think.  But she's also got a snotty nose, and is just over a fever.  And this HFMD causes sores on the body, including in the mouth/throat, which can be extremely painful.  So it's no wonder she wasn't sleeping that great.  But, apparently I reached my limit.  Or something.  I reached my limit of watching Joel suffer the lack of sleep.

So yesterday she and I gussied up "her" room some more- enough so that it could be called her room.  We brought a shelf into it (guest room bed is now covered in towels, sheets and blankets- must find a place to put those!), and brought up a bunch of her soft toys and books.  We added a few pictures to the headboard as well as her water bottle, a little lamp, a box of tissues and the monitor.  It still needs stuff on the walls to really feel like a little girl's room, but, it's good for now.

I was dead set then, that she would sleep in that bed last night.  And she did.  She did not want to.  She told Joel right away that she had no intention, so I re-took-over bedtime, and used that special mommy voice that reminds a kid, "we talked about this, we worked on this, and now you're going to do it!"  So we filled her bed with friends, said goodnight to family in the pictures, got a drink, went to the toilet again, and then I sat in the chair by the bed while she fell asleep. She played with all her noise making toys for a while, but about a half hour later, she finally drifted off.  She woke up a handful of times between then and 1am, and I went to her, gave her drinks and hugs and more medicine when the time was right, and put her back in bed.  After 1am, she slept until morning- when Joel left at 7am he went in and gave her a kiss on the cheek, but she was still sleeping when he left.  (This is actually quite a normal sleeping pattern for her.  There is NO doubt in my mind that she will eventually sleep just like her father- late to bed, not so many hours sleep needed, taking extra hours in the morning, if ever.)

So she did it.  And I did it.   And that is a big deal.

Part of what spurred this was my increasingly not-nice reactions to her middle of the night screaming, but also an article I read on HuffPost yesterday.  Something about how sometimes giving to our children actually means taking something away.  Like, they'll NEVER learn to do things for themselves (clean, cook, WHATEVER) until someone gives them a chance to learn these things- which means not doing it for them.  The author extended this idea to letting them soothe themselves to sleep. I don't agree with her note of "leaving them to scream, so they can figure out that they can soothe themselves", but I do agree that, in our situation, we had gotten to a point where Beni could try out being in her own sleeping space- and just seeing what that felt like.  And who knows, maybe it will lead to something else... like if she wakes up and sees she in her own space with her animals, she'll think, "Hmm, maybe I should cuddle them instead of sitting here screaming."  Maybe. Maybe not.  I guess we'll see.

I have to say though, waking up this morning to realize that we'd had quite a nice long stretch of sleep, and that she had survived the night in her room, and that we would most likely try to repeat it again every night in the near future also made me think of  this HuffPost article. And it made me hope and pray that the night she spent screaming in our bed, with me trying to tell her over and over again that I was right there and WHAT DO YOU WANT and then putting my hand over her mouth just to block the full impact of that horrible full-throated, unabashed cry-scream was not the last night she ever spends in our bed.  Yes, "we" do want her to move toward her own bed, but, I hope and assume that we will welcome her back for a nicer, calmer, more loving last time sometime soon.  Ugh, I hope.

I guess both of those articles made me think about the things we do for our kids, and at what cost.  I want my children to grow to be independent and capable.  I do.  But, I also believe there is plenty of time for them to learn certain lessons.

But, in any case, I just hope she sleeps, in my bed, her bed, someone's bed.  Just sleep. :)



Update: She did it again last night- two nights in a row.  But last night I did have to get up several times to go to her.  But, she's still sick, and needed meds every time.  Poor thing.

Back at it again

Ah, the little miss.  Back at it again.

I said to Joel last night, after coming back downstairs for the 3rd time, "Some day, when all she wants to do is sleep, I'm going to go sit next to her bed and just scream."

Of course, I won't.  But if she ever complains about her own kids not sleeping well.  Holy cow.  I am going to have a field day!

The thing is, I have never believed, and I don't believe, that she is doing any of what she is doing out of any kind of intentional act of defiance or mischief.  Who KNOWS what is going on in that pretty little head of hers.

In the few weeks since I last posted that she was doing so amazingly, she's gone back to needing someone nearby to fall asleep, and she's taken to regularly waking about an hour and a half to two hours after she falls asleep to just sit there and scream like a crazy person.  She is inconsolable, and after a few minutes of screaming and acting crazy, she might have a drink of water, and then just lay down and sleep again.  There is no rhyme or reason, and she does settle down much more quickly when I enter the room, than when Joel does.  

What she's going through fits the bill for "night terrors" I guess.  But you know what? Night terrors can kiss my butt.  Night terrors are the IBS of sleep.  No cure, no actual pin-pointable cause- just grin and bear it, and hope it ends somewhat soon.  Grr.  I don't like.

The worst part is, she has also started waking more again in the middle of the night.  And at those times she acts even crazier.  Worst of all, she hits and kicks.  And let me tell you, because I know how much it sucks to fend off a psycho 2 year old when you're asleep, and because I witnessed Joel try to do the same, it doesn't bring out the best in anyone.  It is VERY HARD to deal with this- when you're woken out of sleep by screaming and hitting and kicking, and you try to comfort, and you're met with louder screaming and harder hitting and kicking... it does not in any way, inspire you to meet your two year olds needs with compassion.  At all.

On a positive note however, just after I last posted, Beni went through several days of pooping and peeing anywhere but the potty...and then, one day, it just all changed again, and we haven't have an accident in forever.  Just yesterday, she started using the regular toilet instead of the little potties.  She's been using regular toilets out in the real world with my help, so I guess she figured she could give it a go at home!  One time I noticed she went to the bathroom.  A little while later, I heard the toilet flush.  Then I heard the faucet.  A few minutes later, she came out, said she pooped, and went back to playing.  Done and done, apparently.

Magical second child Zintis on the other hand... is still sleeping wonderfully, though, also not on a predictable schedule.  He generally always falls asleep for his first nap around 8:30am- but sometimes he'll sleep til 11, and sometimes only until 9:30.  Then he'll usually wake up, nurse, and fall almost right back to sleep- except on the mornings when he doesn't.  He definitely has 2 more sleeps in the day, once around lunch time and once more in the late afternoon- sometimes through dinner, and sometimes not.  He's usually ready to go to bed before Beni- more around 7 than 8, but sometimes that'll be just a nap, and he won't go down for the night until 9:30, and sometimes he'll sleep right through til whenever I go to bed.  So right now, at almost 4 mos, he's unpredictable, but, still sleeping long enough stretches often enough that I am left super impressed as compared to his older sister!

He's also rolling back to front and front to back, which is absolutely adorable. And he's inch-worming his way forward, and using ridiculous amounts of concentration to grab things and get them in his mouth. :)  Such a fun phase of baby. :)  

Beni!

Watching the rain...

I am desperate to write about Beni, because I don't want to forget how amazing she is right now. :)  She has grown up in several ways, very suddenly, and it's sort of left me in awe! 

Beni has never been what anyone would call a "good sleeper."  I never did any kind of sleep-training with her, because I don't believe in it.  I gently nudged her in the direction of better sleeping habits at a couple points, but, if she needed me, or she needed to nurse, I let her.  My philosophy was always meeting her where she was, and letting her tell me when she was ready for something else.  Well, last week, I was faced with bedtime on my own with both kids.  I wasn't sure how I was going to manage it, since Beni has historically required someone to be with her until she falls asleep, and I didn't see how Zintis would accommodate that.  Well, that night, I got her ready for bed, and then I was sitting at the foot of her bed waiting for her to fall asleep, when she started goofing off.  I told her if she was going to goof off instead of sleep, I was going to leave.  Well she ever so lovingly (NOT) told me, "EJ PROM!" (Go away!)  So I left.  I told her I was going to sit out in the hallway, and she should go to sleep.  And guess what?  That is exactly what she did! And every night since then, she nurses for 5 minutes or less, climbs into her own bed, turns out the light, I give her a kiss, and then I sit in the hallway for about 5-10 minutes until she's asleep!  

What else is very amazing is that Beni has always been a frequent waker at night.  Even after she night-weaned at 20 mos, she would still wake up, and need a drink or a cuddle or whatever.  She didn't follow the rule that she would start sleeping through the night as soon as she weaned.  But somewhere along the way she did start sleeping through the night by definition (5 hours), and then all of sudden, there was a night where she slept from the time we put her down until what absolutely anyone would call morning (like 6-7am). She has definitely regressed with this as she's been sick a lot since we got back to Laos, and every time she's sick, she sleeps very poorly.  But, she just did it again last night- fell asleep in her own bed on her own, and didn't wake until 6:00 this morning when Joel got up- so there is hope on the horizon that she will do it again tonight, and most nights after that.  

It is very reassuring for an off-the-beaten-path mom like myself that it's ok to follow my gut, and continue to parent the way that feels right.  That my child will do what she's "supposed to do" when she's ready for it.

Speaking of which...Beni was just over 2 when Zintis was born, which for many children and parents is a great time to potty train.  Well, given the upheaval I felt Beni's entire world was in, I wasn't going to put the stress of potty training on her as well.  I kept telling anyone who would ask, that my plan was to attack the issue once we had settled back into life here in Laos.  

Well, turns out, I didn't have to do much.  When we got back here, Beni started showing all these signs of being ready for potty training.  She would tell me RIGHT AWAY when she had a wet diaper, and even faster when she pooped.  Not just that, but she would either take the diaper off herself (if it was just wet) or she would drag me up the stairs to have her diaper changed if it was poop.  What else... she started taking her clothes off in general- which means she powered through figuring out how to get everything over and off arms and legs, etc.  And she also started putting things on- things like underwear.  

When it got to the point that she was running around naked, or just in underwear, and had peed on the floor a couple times, I just said, "Look, if you're not going to wear a diaper, you have to pee in the potty.  No more pee on the floor."  And seriously- she started going on the potty!  Since the day that happened, she's had maybe 1 pee accident.  She has peed in diapers when she has them on (when leaving the house and at night), but, if we're home, she has peed on the potty 99% of the time. Amazing!  Even better, after only 1 poop on the floor, she figured that out too.  

Now I can add to the list of things I never thought I would think, "A toddler that poops in the potty!  It's like a dream come true!"  

I'm not entirely sure how we're going to move from this naked all the time and peeing/pooping in the potty at home, to no more diapers while out of the house or at sleep times... but for now, we're all just enjoying that Beni potty trained herself in a matter of days. It's been awesome.  And I have to say, there is nothing so cute as seeing her naked little bum scramble by, as she runs for the bathroom, muttering to herself, "podins, podins, podins" or, "kaka podina, kaka podina". It is awesome. :) 

Beni talks in sentences now.  Every time she does it, it still surprises me.  I can't get over some of the words she's learned to use, and the intricacies of language that she has picked up.  For a while there, one of her favorite words was "varbut"- in English, "maybe". Joel uses this word a lot in his Latvian (probably more than your average Latvian-speaker), so she certainly picked it up from him.  But the ways in which she would use it just crack me up! She would say things like, "Sito samsejums pec vakinas, varbut?" (This ice cream after dinner, maybe?")  And of course, she has her toddler speak for all kinds of words.... samsejums and vakinas being two of them.  She calls mac & cheese makucheese.    Corn (kukaruza) ir kukakuza.  There are so many great examples of the fun things she says, but mostly, it's just that she puts together so many words at once, and some of the words she uses are truly priceless.   Like, when she goes into a room and the light doesn't turn on right away, and she says, "Come on, lampa!"  I'd say she's speaking equal parts English and Latvian now, often mixing the two. I can only hope that she'll continue to use the Latvian (we both still try to speak to her in Latvian all the time) through the years, but I know the dice are stacked against her on that one.   

There are so many other things she does right now, which I would like to remember.  She will NOT wear clothes while at home.  It's been a week now.  She is a "pod-a" stealer- her word for the iPod.  She knows pretty much everything about the way it works, and if she doesn't know...well, just give her a minute.  We severely limit her time on the pod-a, because she would spend hours on it.

She eats like a toddler is supposed to.  One day she will eat an entire steak.  Ok, maybe not steak (I don't know if she's had actual steak)- but big piece of elk, 2 whole sausages, a whole chicken breast... you get it- she EATS.  And the next day she will act like meat is the worst thing in the world, and will eat an entire head of broccoli.  Most days she will happily eat her weight in rice, potatoes or noodles. And she loves cheese, and she loves oatmeal, and she loves yogurt.  And if you give her rice and black beans... watch out, don't get in her way while she eats!  She, like her mamma, loooooves sour cream.  She has just recently gotten into keputz (ketchup), and will request it with some foods.  And, as I mentioned before, she does like her ice cream (samsejums) as well.  

I wish I could remember all the other little things... she loves to play with other people when there are people around to play with.  She will drag pretty much anyone by the hand into her play room.  When we were back in the States she was absolutely in love with her cousin Shyreece.  She also loved to play with Brenna and James and with her other cousin Vasara.  BUT, and this is important, she can play for hours on her own. I love to watch her play. She goes into that play room, and she doesn't really use things the way they're "supposed" to be used...but she plays.  She uses her imagination, and she keeps herself occupied.  Sometimes she'll come ask for help to get a doll dressed, or open a box or put a puzzle together...but mostly, she is quite content to do it all on her own.  She doesn't necessarily have play dates that often, especially not here in Laos, but, I think that is quite alright.  

I exercise 4 days a week now, at home, in the living room.  She likes to jump around (naked) with me, imitating what Billy Blanks or Jillian Michaels is doing on the TV.  It's hilarious.  She will also sometimes get out my yoga book and attempt some of the poses.  She does this on her own, and it is absolutely mesmerizing to watch her look at the book, and then look at her own body, and back at the book, and back at herself.  The lacking self-awareness is so evident, but it is a beautiful thing to watch her discover it.  

Not exercising...but this is often what it looks like- naked with shoes on. :) 

When it comes to her brother, she has a little bit of a love/hate thing going on.  She knows she's the big sister, and she knows he's important.  She worries about him.  If she walks into a room and sees me empty-handed she will immediately ask, "Where Zintis?"  He is usually asleep in his cot, and she'll accept that answer, but sometimes she will go have a look just to double check.  She gives him kisses and covers him with blankets and tries to really take care of him.  The problem is that she does not know her own strength or her own weight.  Just today, I caught her SITTING ON HIM.  Lord almighty! She tries to imitate the things I do to him, like kiss his feet- but she'll wrench his whole leg toward herself, not understanding that I am doing it gently, because his foot is right there, by my mouth.  So she wants to be loving, but, doesn't always quite make it.  

She has made a few comments now and then about someone else taking Zintis.  She often says for Daddy to take Zintis, so she can be with me. When Oma and Opa were here, she told Oma to take Zintis home.  But, I think this is a temporary thing- she just wants him gone at that moment, not forever.  She's definitely not used to not being the center of attention anymore, although she's getting there.  

She calls herself Bendida.  She is two.  She is powerful.  She is stubborn.  She is caring.  She is funny.  She is creative.  She is beyond smart.  She is already amazing, and will only continue to become more so! 

   

The little man

A week or so shy of three months....

All in a day's work

Today was the first day that I had to really honestly do the stay-at-home mom to two kids thing.  Since Zintis was born, I have had help of one sort or another pretty much every day.  But today, finally, all the help was gone- no Joel, no grandparents, no friends, no aunts and uncles... just me and the kids.  I have to say, I've been dreading this day for a while. Based on the few times I have had to do a few hours on my own with the kids here and there, I was worried about how this whole thing would go!

Well, today went remarkably well. No big blow ups, no huge tantrums...and I kind of got a lot done today!

It's very easy at the end of the day to feel like nothing got done at all... so I thought I would actually make a list of what I did today.  Not to prove anything more than that I actually did quite a lot today, even if it doesn't look like it.

So, not at all in the order I did it all... here is what I did today, all while minding two children:

• a 30 minute workout
• washed 3 loads of laundry 
• made breakfast for Beni and myself
• made lunch for Beni and myself
• washed the dishes from breakfast and lunch
• put clean sheets on our bed
• took out the garbage from all the bathrooms
• got both kids down for naps (Zintis at least 3, Beni 1)
• shower
• hung 3 loads of laundry
• nursed Zintis on demand
• cleaned up the floors- especially every time Zintis spewed 
• washed out two garbage cans
• folded and put away dry clothes
• wrote a blog post (other than this one)
• got the kids dressed
• changed about 10 diapers

In the end the list doesn't look that long to me, but when I think about how long some of those tasks take... it all adds up!  Getting all of that done between 7 and 4 suddenly seems like kind of a lot.  Cause you know how it is with kids around... you start something, and then they need something or just start climbing on you and you can't actually do what you're doing, etc.  

I know every day won't go this well.  I know there will be plenty of days when I get a lot less done.  I hope there are days when I actually do more stuff with the kids. That is one thing I still want to strive to find a balance on. As a stay at home mom, I have a responsibility to the house, but I also have a responsibility to the kids.  I waiver back and forth on how much they need in the way of special kid centered activities versus just following me around the house, helping me with household tasks, or playing on their own.  I think there is value in all of these things- I think there is a whole huge amount of value in them playing on their own, AND in them helping me with stuff around the house, or just seeing me do it.  But, I know that spending a few focused minutes on doing something fun, that they choose, is also very important.   I'll admit, I definitely put in more effort to keeping up with the house during the day, than doing special stuff for the kids.  So yes, more time focused on the kids- being with them, not just doing stuff for them (like feeding, changing, etc).  

As I said, I know not all days will go like this.  Beni is sure to hit some more walls.  Zintis may start making things more difficult sooner or later when he gets mobile or starts eating or whatever.  He's such a good sleeper right now- hopefully he won't change that.  I am bound to have lazy days, or bad days or whatever as well.  

I really do enjoy being at home with the kids, and I don't mind the housework either.  I'm glad we have good days. I know we'll have bad days, and I wish us all strength in just getting through them.  When it comes down to it, it's all in a day's work! 

The next day: Yep.  See?  Not every day will go so well.  I got practically nothing done today.  Beni was in a mood- we ended up going to the docs office to make sure she wasn't sick.  She's not, but is still battling some ear and throat yuckies, which explains that she isn't 100%.  Today is the kind of day where at 9pm I'm still working because I got nothing done during the day.  More dishes, more laundry, more tidying up.  Sigh.  All in a day's work!

Overwhelmed

I just don't know if I can handle this.  I am totally overwhelmed by the creepy crawlies right now.  Ugh.

Now, let me remind you.  I grew up in Michigan.  Michigan is a place where bugs exist certainly, but mostly outside.  In the winter you pretty much don't see bugs, full stop.  None.  No bugs.  In the summer you see bugs- lots of bugs- outside.  And inside occasionally you will get an ant, a ladybug or a fly.  Or a mosquito.  But mostly, if you keep your screens shut, and your house clean, you won't have too many bugs inside.  I am NOT used to living with bugs.  (Ok, there are probably more bugs inside than I care to know- but I'm talking about bugs you can SEE- if roaches inhabit the whole world, they are probably also in houses in Michigan, but you don't SEE them EVER.)

Of course, in my years in Angola and now in Laos, that has all changed.  But I am still having a very hard time getting used to it.

When we arrived back in Laos a couple weeks ago, my brother and sister in law had kindly stocked our kitchen with a few basics so that we would have some food to eat until we had a chance to get to the store.  Their basics included a loaf of bread and a bag of bagels from our favorite coffee shop/bakery.  Unfortunately, both bags were over-run with ants by the time we got to them (which I think was only a day after they put them in the kitchen).  There was also a bunch of bananas had the same problem.  But here is the thing- when I awoke the next morning at 4:30am, after having slept since about 6 the previous evening, I was hungry.  So I told myself that as long as I got all the ants off the outside, and there weren't any ants on the inside, I would just eat a bagel.  Cause you know, whatever, it won't kill me.  So, I had a lovely bagel with some cheese slices for breakfast that morning, and it was good.

Well, since then, the ants have proven that they are intent on being in charge, and I am fighting them with all my might, but, I'm not sure who is winning right now.  If we count fatalities, I am definitely ahead, but if we could frustration and time spent on the endeavor that could be spent doing other things, I am probably losing.  But the thing is... there are ants EVERYWHERE.  We emptied the sugar pot TWICE because two days in a row it was crawling with ants.  And this is the kind of canister that has a rubber stopper kind of lid on it, so how the ants are getting in past the rubber is beyond me.  But the sugar now lives in the fridge.  All it takes is to drop a crumb on the floor and within an hour, you will have a line of ants coming either from the window in the living room, the front door, or from somewhere in the kitchen.  They trek across the house like they own it.

It's been said before, but my husband isn't exactly the neatest chip eater.  In fact, it's no wonder he eats a bag a night- half of it is on the floor/in the cracks of the couch.  This morning I came down to do my workout and found a swarm of ants on one chip he had dropped last night, and a line of ants from the window to the chip.  The ants are in every room in the house on the first floor.  Knock on wood, so far there are none upstairs (but we also don't eat upstairs, ever).  The worst though, is that they are crawling in Zintis's cot- because of his drool on the sheets.  And they are all over the floor where I might put him down sometimes on his play mat or whatever.  Urgh.  Am I asking too much to not want ants crawling on my baby???

On to other creepy crawlies... geckos.  Usually I don't mind geckos at all.  They eat bugs, they are totally scared of humans, and really only come out when it's quiet, so you hardly see them.  But yesterday when we were shifting around a bunch of furniture, we came across a roommate I bet my in-laws didn't know they had while they stayed with us the last two weeks!  The gecko living behind the wardrobe in their bedroom is the same one I once encountered on the stairs.  The dude is MASSIVE.  He's an easy 12 inches long.  We figure he keeps coming into the house via the vent fan in that bedroom, which has no screen of any kind over it.  Joel had to spend a few minutes chasing his around the room (which largely includes chasing his across the walls) with a broom to usher him out.  I went in to see him, and I saw his jump from one wall to the next at a corner.  He cleared a good 12 inches of space.  It was cool, but, is only really cool if you're watching it like on tv, or in a zoo, or something.  NOT in your house.

Ok, but the worst. The worst is the cockroaches.  UGH, cockroaches.  Must have been yesterday, I went to change Zintis's diaper.  I reached for a cover that I don't usually use, because the often used ones are starting to wear out a little on the velcro.  I open up the cover and out pops a cockroach- right onto the change table where Zintis was laying. So of course I start batting at it, trying not to injure my son in the process, trying to get it the hell off the table and away from Zintis! I managed to get that one.  But ew, talk about places you don't want roaches crawling... into your DIAPERS?  Gross!

Then this morning, I go to make coffee.  I open the lid to pour water into the machine and there is a roach right there.  I startle of course and drop the lid.  When I open it back up I see the roach scurry into the hole where the water goes into the machine.  So basically, there is now a roach living in my coffee pot, and all my coffee water will be filtered THROUGH a roach.  No, I cannot deal with this.  I can see the damn roach stuck in the hole- but no amount of turning the machine upside down is getting it out.  My coffee maker is a very simple bottom of the line, 2-cup little pot. But I'm pretty sure it cost an easy $50-$60 here in Laos, because imported things like that are expensive.  My instinct, not going to lie, was the same as what many people suggested- just throw the whole thing away.  But we don't have money to replace the machine, and I REALLY like my cup of brewed coffee in the morning.  I'm not giving up on it- I'm going to try to get the disgusting little thing out.  But I am really sad.

All these bugs make me want to pack everything in our house into plastic bins.  Our fridge is already full of food that would normally be kept out (like sugar, cereal, bread, etc), but, which might attract bugs here, and therefore is kept in the fridge.  And lots of the stuff I have on shelves is only there because it is stored in big tupperware containers (like all my rice, pasta, flour, etc).  But my coffee pot... do I really need to store my coffee pot in a container???

This is me crying sad, sad tears into my cup of instant coffee.  :(

And PS... I've tried so many things... cinnamon and vinegar to stop the ants, cleaning like a mad-woman to stop everything (but honestly, how spotless/crumb-free can you really keep a home that houses a messy man and two small children?).  I use horrible bad chemical sprays when the kids aren't around, and then I wash the places I have sprayed the nasty stuff.  I can hardly leave poisons out anywhere since I have a toddler running around, and am only months away from having a crawler as well.  I'm stuck. We're stuck.  We're stuck in bug land.  :(

   

   

I don't know what to call this stream of blabber....

It's been a crazy few months.  Life has been unsettled to say the least.  At the end of March, Beni and I left Laos and headed back to Michigan.  We moved in with my dad and step-mom.  Although there was offer of more space, we lived in one bedroom (it wasn't realistic for us to use more space really- the other bedrooms were needed time and time again for other people the whole time we were there)- even when Joel arrived and when we welcomed Zintis.  We ended up 4 people living in one bedroom.  Of course we didn't have all our stuff- the stuff which was left in Laos- but even just clothes and daily items for 4 people in one bedroom gets a little stuffy. Anyway...

We lived with them and during that time we referred to my dad's house as "Grandpa's house", though as you do, when we were out, we would say we were "going home".  Then as the time approached to come back to Laos, we started talking about our house back here (which Beni left when she was 23 mos old, and was coming back to 5 mos later after only ever having lived in it for 7 mos) and we called it the house near where Bubba (our nephew) lives.  (I thought this would be a good reference point- but now when we leave the house she says, "Bye Bubba's house!")

Also during the time we were in the States we spent time at The Trailer, Ang's house, Arija's house, Grandma's house, Mary's house and probably a few other places.  All places that Beni came to be familiar enough with to know, to feel comfortable wandering around, etc.

We got back to Laos and Joel's parents, Oma and Opa, showed up less than 24 hours after we did.  They are leaving today after a two week stay.

My point here is that we've lived in a million different places, spent time with a million different people and all of it has been a bit crazy!  Especially considering that in that time Beni and I were apart from Joel for 2 mos, then we added a child to our family, and then after a whole summer (well, 6 weeks anyway) of being a family of 4 together all the time, Joel went back to work only a couple days after we returned.

It's been unsettled.  There have been very few constants.  It is no wonder Beni doesn't know where she lives, who she lives with, what happened, what isn't going to change (no, Oma and Opa are NOT taking Zintis with them!) and so on.  Lord help us help her feel grounded sooner or later!

But you know what?  Partially it's been great.  And the part that has been wonderful is spending time with all these different people.  Some grandparents are more available than others, but, I have to say that after having some help with the kids in the way that I have during these months- it's enough to make me want to live near them!

As I said before in my last post, I'm not finding this transition to two kids the easiest thing.  And frankly at this point, I can REALLY see how having the opportunity to drop Beni off at her grandma's house for a few hours two mornings a week would make it that much more possible for me to not only get stuff done, but to enjoy Beni when she came back. Because the thing is, I KNOW she is the awesome-est little two year old girl ever.  But sometimes being together 24/7 makes it hard to remember that.

And the thing is, the fact that I'm finding things difficult sometimes doesn't mean I want to change my whole parenting philosophy.  I don't want to ship Beni off to preschool 5 days a week just so I can get a break.  I want to rise to the challenge and be the parent I think I can be, the one Beni deserves (not to mention Zintis)- it just isn't easy.  And having a regular date with a grandparent fits in really wonderfully with my parenting philosophy.

Now don't even get me started on how awesome it was to hang out with friends who happen to be parents of similar aged kids and be able to enjoy adult time while also knowing that your kids are all having a great time together.

Not going to lie- there are a lot of things pulling me back to the States right now... so we'll see if we can make it happen.  It's certainly an option on the radar right now.      

Oops

Seems I've neglected this blog.

How do you pick back up when so much has happened in a relatively short time?  Do you just skip it, and start where you are now?  Or do you try to cover what you missed?  Does anyone at all care?  I'm not sure anyone is visiting this blog anymore!

Adding a second child to our family has shifted things so very much.  Wow.  I knew it would of course, but it has also caught me off guard a bit.  Things shifted in ways I couldn't predict, or wasn't ready for.  It hasn't been easy.

I love Zintis to pieces, and I have to say, it is different than having a daughter.  Beni felt like a natural extension of me- I grew her, she came out, she was a girl, we were attached at the hip until... this little boy.  Oh boy.  He's changed everything.  Because it already feels different to love him.  Maybe I'm mistaken, and it doesn't have anything to do with his gender, but more so just to do with him being a different person than Beni- but it feels like it's different because he's a boy. (I guess we'll find out which it is when #3 arrives...whenever that may happen.)

And he needs my attention, and he needs my body, and he needs me... but so does Beni.  And Beni needs me much more emotionally now than before- when she needed me physically as well- and I'm finding trying to find that balance very difficult.

The whole heart expanding to make room for more love and all that works for me...and wasn't such a surprise, because I'd heard it enough times from other people.  I definitely have enough love for everyone- I'm just not sure there is enough ME for everyone.

And yet... I'm still pretty sure we'll have at least 3 kids.  Because even though I don't know how I'll make it through this phase of having a toddler and a baby, I know I will, my kids are probably going to need therapy no matter what I do, and we'll all come out the other side, and then we'll add another one into the mix.

My bestie, who welcomed her third a week before Zintis arrived, says that going from 2-3 was easier than from 1-2 because the older two can play together, entertain each other, and the eldest is definitely old enough to help, and take care of herself a lot.  I can see that.  I can REALLY see that. I think I'm finding going from 1-2 harder than I found going from 0-1.  Because like I said, Beni just felt like she was a part of me, living on the outside, and all I had to do was continue to take care of this part of me. But, now I have two parts of me on the outside, and it's harder.

And Zintis is definitely his own person. He is not Beni #2. (Although some say he LOOKS like a Beni #2.)  He is different than Beni.  As we have gone over time and time again, Zintis and Daddy are boys, they have penises.  Benita and Mamma are girls, we have vaginas.  But beyond that, Zintis sleeps- in his cot, on his own.  (Purely out of necessity of course, I'd hold him for all his naps too if I could, but I can't. And no, don't be crazy, of course he sleeps next to me at night!)  Zintis takes a paci!  Ack!  I hate pacis.  But he won't comfort nurse.  But he wants to suck.  So what's a mamma to do?  He gets a paci.  Zintis cries when he's very tired.  And then he falls asleep in an instant.  Zintis smiles all the time- in a way that makes every person he smiles at think they are the only ones that can make him smile.  He's a pleaser. :) Zintis loves to talk.  He oohs and aahs and makes loud noises. He's hilarious.  Zintis is huge- at 2 mos he's about as big as Beni was at 4 mos.  He's my baby boy, and I love him to the moon and back... and I'm still hoping he grows up into a book worm, chef kind of boy, or even a tractor and horse loving kind of boy rather than an army man, let's play war kind of boy... but I know that is out of my control, and I'm sure I'll get over it eventually.

I'm going to try to get this blog back up to speed... I mean, I am going to try to start writing again because it's good for me.  Some nasty internet experiences (let's just say it like it is- it was cyber-bullying!  Among grown women!  It was pathetic!) made me shy away from doing much of anything at all on the net...but this blog remains private, and I'll keep it that way, so at least it's a safe place.

That's it for now... have to hang up some diapers while I can while Zintis is napping!

A post!

It's not about my kid.  How about that? 

Here is what I have noticed about myself lately.  I have an intense need for conversation.  I need to be able to talk.  I need to be able to talk to people OTHER than my two year old.  

The unfortunate thing is that I have noticed this because I have found myself in certain social situations talking someone's ear off...and then thinking, "Oh man.... was that overkill or what?"  

I went to visit my mom a week or so ago and even though we had some plan on getting to the park or something, we ended up just sitting in the living room, Beni playing at our feet, just TALKING.  

I need friends- local friends, friends that I can relate to about stuff that is going on in my life now.  I do think this is partially why I blog and participate on message boards online, because when I'm lacking these people in real life, I can at least have some similar interaction online- although blogging, of course, is often mostly one-sided.  

Anyway, there really isn't much more to say about it... I need to talk.  I need to get things out.  And it's much more satisfying to talk to a person/people who can relate to what I'm talking about.  I love my sisters-in-law for being people that have provided this for me... of course I love my girlfriends for the same reason... I just sure do wish they weren't all so spread out around the world and hard to come by.  

Cause I'm just saying...I need to talk!     

Beni turned two!

On April 24, 2012, Benita turned two.  It still boggles my mind how two years can go by so quickly.  One of my brothers (also recently a new father) said to me that he has also now figured out that there is nothing like a baby to accelerate time like never before.  Amen to that!  

On April 21st, we gathered at the Van Buren house in South Haven with friends and family to celebrate this milestone of Beni's.  We had a really lovely time.  The party was on Saturday, and as is our tradition now around Beni's birthday, some of my friends and their kids stayed the weekend, and Sunday morning we went out for a great breakfast at our favorite joint, Phoenix St. Cafe. It really was a great time.  The kids (who have multiplied from 2 toddlers the weekend of Beni's birth to 2 preschoolers, 2 toddlers (including Beni), 1 baby and 2 on the way at her second birthday!) had a great time playing, and we adults all really enjoyed each other's company as well.  

Here are some snaps from the party! 

We had a Dora theme, as Beni is currently OBSESSED.

Forgot to take an actual close up of the cake...this is the best I have!

Beni in her birthday outfit.  It ended up being quite
chilly that day- thank goodness I bought the leggings
and long sleeved undershirt! 

Silliness! 

Beni's party fell on the same day as her cousin Shyreece's birthday! 

Proud Vecmammina cuddles Elton John Beni. 

They were Dora glasses, but the Elton John lookalikeness was too strong!

Beni with her three cousins that live with Vecmammina and Dan.

Opening presents!  Beni received quite a few Dora items!

The youngest party guest (if not counting in-utero ones separately!)

One of our favorite party guests. :) 

A stunning card made by my friend using Beni's birth announcement!

Beni plays with her new kitchen along with her cousin Vasara

It was a hit with all the kids!

I did a horrible job of taking photos that day, so I missed getting snaps of quite a few of the guests.  Oops.  The one person who was really, really missing was Joel.  We all missed him lots.  Hopefully, we won't be celebrating too many more birthdays EVER when we're not all together.

Thanks again to everyone who made Beni's day a special one for her and me! :)

Another letter to my daughter

Beni, dear Beni,


There will come a day, I'm sure, when you will look back on some time in your life, and you will think about me, "What was she thinking?"  I know I've had these thoughts sometimes about your grandparents- because it is endlessly hard to imagine what your parents were like, who they were, when you yourself were a young child.  But I want you to know one thing- I'm trying my best.


My best changes day to day- especially now, and for the last few months, as I'm constantly preoccupied with growing your brother or sister.  Some days I have very little energy, and even less patience.  Some days are wonderful.  On the days when I find it in myself to be better, we have a grand ole time- we play, we read, we laugh.  It's good.  But there are days when I am tired, when there is much to do, when you decide to be super-toddler independent when we do nothing but clash all day.  Those days are hard, and for as much as you quickly dissolve into tears every time you get frustrated, know that come the end of the day, when I have your dad to turn to, I often find myself lost in sobs as well.  And these tears, Beni, are not because I have ill feelings toward you, but because I always feel on the tough days that I have let you down- that I should have been able to find more patience, that I should have been able to try to figure out what it was you wanted, that I should have just left the cleaning or cooking or whatever until later, and just played with you.   I always feel like I should have been more for you.


So know this Beni- I worry about doing right by you, and being enough for you ALL THE TIME.  I never finished writing this piece I wanted to write about modern parenting as I see it... but let me copy an excerpt of what was running through my head the day I started it...


Worry, worry, worry.

This has been a theme recently in my life.  I’ve talked about it with a few friends, and mentioned it in emails.  It is, for sure, a parent’s natural instinct to worry.  But I find myself wondering about the amount of things there are to worry about and whether or not that has changed over the years.

Thousands of years ago, I imagine, worries were pretty basic.  Find food.  Find shelter. Try not to get eaten.  Over time the look of things changed, but the basic worry was still mostly the same- make sure your family is taken care of, healthy, fed, and safe. 

But it feels as though these days maybe we have entered a new realm of worry, where far beyond worrying just about our physical needs, there is so much pressure to also make sure that your family, your children, are EMOTIONALLY safe and healthy.  Or, in addition to the old worries about physical safety, now we have a whole slew of new worries- brought on by a changing world and society.  The more we know, the more there is to worry about!  We don’t just worry about feeding, clothing and educating our children anymore.  Now, there are 10 million bajillion safety standards that you can try to keep up with, and a consumerist society trying to sell you 10 million bajillion and one products that will keep your baby safe.  We used to just feed our families, because food was food.  Now, the marketplace is absolutely FLOODED with products labeled as food, many of which taste very good, which are not food at all- and it is up to parents to be able to know what is healthy for their children and what is not.  And if something is unhealthy, is it something that is still ok to have as a treat, or not at all?  This same food/food product is causing health issues, seen and unseen- some we don’t even know about.  It’s up to us to try to avoid all of that for our kids- AND, if we deal with it ourselves, to try to fix it for ourselves in the meantime.  Connected to this worry, is that as technology continues to advance, more and more fun gadgets and games are created that will entertain our children for hours, while also potentially rotting their brains AND keeping them sedentary, thereby also rotting their bodies.  It is up to us to decide how much of any of this is ok for our children if any at all.  An added frustration comes when you, as an adult, find that you adore your tv, or computer, the internet and facebook.  You must lead by example for your children, and not spend too much time on any of it.  Not that many years ago, mothers still smoked while pregnant… these days, you don’t just not smoke while pregnant, you also have to avoid second hand smoke, and then not just that, there is also third hand smoke to worry about!   

And then there are the emotional worries… there is attachment- does your child know that you love them, and have a healthy attachment to you- knowing that you are always there for them, that they can depend on you for anything- but at the same time, isn’t TOO attached, too dependent (and how do you define that anyway?).  Does your child feel good about him or herself… have a healthy self-esteem, a healthy body imagine, a healthy appreciation for what s/he can and cannot do? Is he or she being supported in developing thinking skills, emotional intelligence, physical abilities… and everything else?  Are you managing to do all of this WITHOUT being a helicopter parent?  Because that is harmful as well!  I don’t even know that I can define too many more examples of this emotional stuff, but, what I do know is that I seem to feel some grave responsibility over whether or not Beni will end up in therapy.  (Did my parents worry about that?  Do they feel guilty or responsible that I did end up in therapy?)        

As you can see Beni, parenting you has made me a complete basket case!  Some days, all these things to worry about end up producing enough anxiety in me to make me wonder if there is any way we'll all survive this!  And the time when I wrote this was a particularly emotional/fragile time for me- early in your sibling's pregnancy.  I don't spend every day in such a swirl of thoughts, but I will admit that most days, like I said, I worry about doing right by you.  I always wonder where I should draw the line when it comes to things like unhealthy foods, screen time, and a few other things.  I worry if I'm meeting your needs emotionally and if the parenting methods I've chosen are the ones that will really benefit you in the long run.    


In the end, I do think we're doing ok by you, both your dad and I.  Neither one of us is perfect, and both of us have strengths and weaknesses as people and as parents.  But one thing I know for sure- we love you, and we both worry about doing right by you.  I don't know that your dad worries about these things as much as I do, but that's just because he's not as neurotic as I am.  ;)     


In the end, Beni, this is all I really wanted to say... I want you to know now, then, forever, that I am doing my best, always trying my best for you- and maybe it's not always enough, not really want you want- but I am trying.  One thing, that I will never fail you in, is loving you.  I love you more every day than I ever thought possible.  You still get kisses and hugs like they are going out of style, and most days you stop me in my tracks and just fill me with amazement at who you are and what you can do.  I'm still honored and proud to be your mom, and I don't think that will ever change... even if we go through lots of more tough days, which I am sure we will.  


I love you, Beni-boo!


Mamma  

The gift of sleep

This morning I awoke, picked up my ipod to see the time, and was shocked to see it was already past 6... I looked to see where you were sweet Beni... and you were there, still in your own bed, next to mine.  You had slept from just past 8 the night before, all night in your own bed.  You didn't end up stirring until about 15 minutes later, when you lunged yourself, eyes barely open, into my side, and cuddled up.  I don't know if you were cold, or if you just needed some love.  You slept another 15 or so minutes before you asked to nurse.  I obliged.  And then you slept again, nestled into my arm until 8:15!  I was actually awake before you.  And I took a picture of you with my ipod... to remind myself of the magical moments that happen in a day...to reflect on the next time I think I'm going to strangle you.

Because, dear child, you and I are going to butt heads.  I can already see it so clearly.  Your teenage years are going to be hard on me and you, and I bet you're going to develop an AWESOME relationship with your dad. We'll see of course, I'd love to be wrong about this, but, this is my prediction.

Maybe then, 12-14 years from now, I will be able to look back on the photo of a little sleeping girl, nestled into my arm, and remember when you gave me the gift of sleep.  And it will put a smile on my face then, as it does now.

You are 1 year, 9 mos and 8 days old- 21 mos for simplicity's sake. Someday- maybe when you are wondering when YOUR child will EVER sleep through the night- I will tell you, "Well, you never slept through the night until you were 21 mos old!"  And again, I will smile to myself.