Another letter to my daughter

Beni, dear Beni,


There will come a day, I'm sure, when you will look back on some time in your life, and you will think about me, "What was she thinking?"  I know I've had these thoughts sometimes about your grandparents- because it is endlessly hard to imagine what your parents were like, who they were, when you yourself were a young child.  But I want you to know one thing- I'm trying my best.


My best changes day to day- especially now, and for the last few months, as I'm constantly preoccupied with growing your brother or sister.  Some days I have very little energy, and even less patience.  Some days are wonderful.  On the days when I find it in myself to be better, we have a grand ole time- we play, we read, we laugh.  It's good.  But there are days when I am tired, when there is much to do, when you decide to be super-toddler independent when we do nothing but clash all day.  Those days are hard, and for as much as you quickly dissolve into tears every time you get frustrated, know that come the end of the day, when I have your dad to turn to, I often find myself lost in sobs as well.  And these tears, Beni, are not because I have ill feelings toward you, but because I always feel on the tough days that I have let you down- that I should have been able to find more patience, that I should have been able to try to figure out what it was you wanted, that I should have just left the cleaning or cooking or whatever until later, and just played with you.   I always feel like I should have been more for you.


So know this Beni- I worry about doing right by you, and being enough for you ALL THE TIME.  I never finished writing this piece I wanted to write about modern parenting as I see it... but let me copy an excerpt of what was running through my head the day I started it...


Worry, worry, worry.

This has been a theme recently in my life.  I’ve talked about it with a few friends, and mentioned it in emails.  It is, for sure, a parent’s natural instinct to worry.  But I find myself wondering about the amount of things there are to worry about and whether or not that has changed over the years.

Thousands of years ago, I imagine, worries were pretty basic.  Find food.  Find shelter. Try not to get eaten.  Over time the look of things changed, but the basic worry was still mostly the same- make sure your family is taken care of, healthy, fed, and safe. 

But it feels as though these days maybe we have entered a new realm of worry, where far beyond worrying just about our physical needs, there is so much pressure to also make sure that your family, your children, are EMOTIONALLY safe and healthy.  Or, in addition to the old worries about physical safety, now we have a whole slew of new worries- brought on by a changing world and society.  The more we know, the more there is to worry about!  We don’t just worry about feeding, clothing and educating our children anymore.  Now, there are 10 million bajillion safety standards that you can try to keep up with, and a consumerist society trying to sell you 10 million bajillion and one products that will keep your baby safe.  We used to just feed our families, because food was food.  Now, the marketplace is absolutely FLOODED with products labeled as food, many of which taste very good, which are not food at all- and it is up to parents to be able to know what is healthy for their children and what is not.  And if something is unhealthy, is it something that is still ok to have as a treat, or not at all?  This same food/food product is causing health issues, seen and unseen- some we don’t even know about.  It’s up to us to try to avoid all of that for our kids- AND, if we deal with it ourselves, to try to fix it for ourselves in the meantime.  Connected to this worry, is that as technology continues to advance, more and more fun gadgets and games are created that will entertain our children for hours, while also potentially rotting their brains AND keeping them sedentary, thereby also rotting their bodies.  It is up to us to decide how much of any of this is ok for our children if any at all.  An added frustration comes when you, as an adult, find that you adore your tv, or computer, the internet and facebook.  You must lead by example for your children, and not spend too much time on any of it.  Not that many years ago, mothers still smoked while pregnant… these days, you don’t just not smoke while pregnant, you also have to avoid second hand smoke, and then not just that, there is also third hand smoke to worry about!   

And then there are the emotional worries… there is attachment- does your child know that you love them, and have a healthy attachment to you- knowing that you are always there for them, that they can depend on you for anything- but at the same time, isn’t TOO attached, too dependent (and how do you define that anyway?).  Does your child feel good about him or herself… have a healthy self-esteem, a healthy body imagine, a healthy appreciation for what s/he can and cannot do? Is he or she being supported in developing thinking skills, emotional intelligence, physical abilities… and everything else?  Are you managing to do all of this WITHOUT being a helicopter parent?  Because that is harmful as well!  I don’t even know that I can define too many more examples of this emotional stuff, but, what I do know is that I seem to feel some grave responsibility over whether or not Beni will end up in therapy.  (Did my parents worry about that?  Do they feel guilty or responsible that I did end up in therapy?)        

As you can see Beni, parenting you has made me a complete basket case!  Some days, all these things to worry about end up producing enough anxiety in me to make me wonder if there is any way we'll all survive this!  And the time when I wrote this was a particularly emotional/fragile time for me- early in your sibling's pregnancy.  I don't spend every day in such a swirl of thoughts, but I will admit that most days, like I said, I worry about doing right by you.  I always wonder where I should draw the line when it comes to things like unhealthy foods, screen time, and a few other things.  I worry if I'm meeting your needs emotionally and if the parenting methods I've chosen are the ones that will really benefit you in the long run.    


In the end, I do think we're doing ok by you, both your dad and I.  Neither one of us is perfect, and both of us have strengths and weaknesses as people and as parents.  But one thing I know for sure- we love you, and we both worry about doing right by you.  I don't know that your dad worries about these things as much as I do, but that's just because he's not as neurotic as I am.  ;)     


In the end, Beni, this is all I really wanted to say... I want you to know now, then, forever, that I am doing my best, always trying my best for you- and maybe it's not always enough, not really want you want- but I am trying.  One thing, that I will never fail you in, is loving you.  I love you more every day than I ever thought possible.  You still get kisses and hugs like they are going out of style, and most days you stop me in my tracks and just fill me with amazement at who you are and what you can do.  I'm still honored and proud to be your mom, and I don't think that will ever change... even if we go through lots of more tough days, which I am sure we will.  


I love you, Beni-boo!


Mamma