Baby's first...

Airplane trip! Trip to the beach! Swim in the ocean! Swim in the pool! Stay at a hotel!

A whole lot of firsts for wee 4.5 month old Vilnis.  Trying my best NOT to add sunburn to that list...oh wait, he already had a sunburn once.  Yeah, oops.

It was a first for a lot of us yesterday at the airport when after getting everyone on the plane, we just sat there and sat there and sat there.  Trying to keep the kids occupied, at first I didn't notice that there was actually something going on to delay us.  There had been no announcements made, so I was just focused on the kids.  But then, I realized the lady in the window seat next to me kept taking photos and making videos out the window.  I realized there was a royal air force plane next to us.   I also saw a huge mass of uniformed people standing in perfect lines outside the airport.   And there was a red carpet and a super fancy car.  Finally, 4 choppers flew in, the car drove up to one, drove back to the red carpet.  A person was escorted up the red carpet and into the airport.  A few minutes later the plane got moving.  Actually, that whole thing delayed us by nearly 2 hours.  It should have been only an hour long flight.  Yeah.  Supposedly it was the princess.  The lady next to me thought it was the king, but others said this would be pretty improbable. We couldn't see close enough to tell. 

Anyway....thankfully this trip we chose to stay right near the airport, which means even though we had such a big delay, and arrived much later than we planned,  at least we didn't have to deal with a long car ride after the long plane ride.  Whew.

Now, Zintis woke up sick today - has been vomiting and burning up with fever.  Poor dude is pretty miserable.   :(  hopefully it won't last too long.  Beni had to be taken to hospital once while we were on vacation, so it wouldn't be a first, but, it's not really one we want to repeat.

The joy of possibilities

Yesterday I felt a giant swell of possibility come over me. It was a very welcome and sadly long since not felt feeling. 

I have a friend of a friend in town who is also a teacher.  She has worked at a couple different schools in the time that I have known her.  I've hung out with her a few times in social settings and I get a good feeling from her. 

Being that we're friends of friends,  we also became Facebook friends.  She was intrigued by my nails wraps.  She ordered some in the last big order I facilitated.   Yesterday, I went to drop them off to her. At her work.

Her work.  She recently (less than a year), quit her admin job at one preschool to buy and run her own preschool.  She is deeply dedicated to ideas which fall under the Montessori and Waldorf umbrellas - basically, letting kids be kids, letting them explore, be outside, get dirty,  use their imaginations, etc.

When I walked into her preschool, I looked around and saw lots of happy kids and babies interacting with loads of adults.  They were in the sand,  in the grass, running around chasing balls,  riding bikes and more.   Some were just cuddling.  I heard one parent communicate to her that her child had had a rough night, and she immediately said, "we'll do what she needs today - a longer rest is no problem."

My point?  I immediately got a warm, welcoming feel from this place.  It was nice.  

Now, we all know I'm not really the type to get excited about preschool and even less so daycare.  BUT, sometimes life demands things of you.  Our family's finances get pretty sad when we go down to one wage.  It's something we've agreed on because of how much I need to be with my baby, and Joel knows that, but it doesn't make it any easier on our bank accounts. 

Plus, there is the fact that I really like to shop.  I enjoy buying myself and my kids and my friends things they need, things they want, things they didn't know they needed or would love as much as they do.  Shopping requires money.  Money doesn't grow on trees. But I can earn money! By working! But I have a baby.

This was the problem before...the time to get a full time job for next school year has passed.  And Joel and I both know our family would suffer (because of my inability to work full time, be a good employee  and be a good mom to a baby- NOT because it's not possible for others to do it) if I did go back full time so soon.  So the next choice is subbing.  The school often needs subs and they have been trying to get me back this school year already.   But I'm not leaving Vilnis at this point.  Plus also,  I have no one to leave him with.  He's 4 months old and we don't have a nanny.   You see where this is going.

The dilemma for subbing next year was the child care.   Would we hire a full time nanny, and only make her work on days I got called in?  Would we end up paying her more than I earned some months? Seems silly. 

But now....there is a new possibility.  This preschool/daycare takes children from 6 mos old.  And they take kids on a drop-in basis, with a little warning.  So, if I can SCHEDULE sub jobs ahead of time - when people know they will be out on professional development or unpaid leave or whatever,  then I can pay just by the day for child care! 

This begins to turn into a big win-win - win! 

Vilnis is the happiest, most chill baby ever.  Right now he's sleeping next to me.  He'd already eaten, and was acting very tired,  so I laid him down, popped a paci in his mouth and covered him with a blanket,  and he just fell asleep.  (Let me tell ya, the other 2 NEVER did that!) He is also very social and loves smiling at people and watching his siblings - so he seems like the type of kid who would enjoy an out of home care setting.  It wouldn't be stressful to him.  And thankfully, with subbing, I aways have the option to say no. 

I honest to god wish we were rich, that we didn't have to worry about money, that I could stay home and take care of children and our home and managing our lives.  I'd be happy to fill that role for quite some time.  But it's not the card we've been dealt, it's not a situation we've managed to create.  So, next best thing - finding a way to be able to earn some money, and know that your kid(s) are in good hands.  Win-win.  And that feels really, really good.

Start saving for therapy now

Today started off ok, but got off track quickly.  Beni had a Girl Scout session today.  We were meeting at a Lao textile museum.  It was in a part of town I don't know at all, but I had directions that seemed straightforward so I thought we'd be ok.  We left the house 20 minutes before we were supposed to arrive, knowing it was supposed to be a 20 minute drive.  40 minutes later I was desperately trying to reach someone,  because I officially couldn't find it.  50 minutes later we gave up and headed home.  52 minutes later we got a phone call that uncovered the issue (there was a fork in the road that was not mentioned in the directions. Yeah.).  So, we finally arrived an hour after we left, 40 minutes late.  Needless to say, especially after realizing the problem with the directions,  I was not in a great mood. 

We get in only to see this was the week only 3 other girls made it.  None of Beni's friends.  So she instantly got shy.  Beni is a lot like me in that she can be crazy outgoing and confident, but in a brand new situation with people she doesn't know, she can also get stupidly shy.  When she does this, she clings, she mumbles, she whines, she baby-talks not real words.  She pulls on me and tries to practically get inside me. 

Sometimes, when I am in a good head space, when I can put the baby down,  etc, I can deal with this.  When it's not 500% humidity.  But when we're out and I have the baby and my bag and I'm sweating through my clothes and the lady who is supposed to be leading a tour through this place is useless, so there is nothing for me to even try to engage my daughter in.... and I'm already in a bad mood because I couldn't finish my coffee while driving  and I just spent 40 minutes trying to find this damn place....well.... then I can't handle it. 

I just couldn't.  I couldn't deal.  Stop whining! Stop mumbling! Stop grabbing at me and clinging to me! Tell me what you need.  Why are you being so shy? Aaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!

Beni ran away crying.  Fuck. 

On the way home a terrible hour later, I tried to talk to her and as soon as I did, she was in tears again and said she didn't want to talk about it.  I finally got it out of her, and she says,

"I just wanted a hug, mamma."

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

What kind of mother refuses her child a hug?

Sigh. 

I apologized.   I told her how I was feeling, and that I was frustrated because she wouldn't talk to me and wasn't actually telling me what she needed.  We talked about it again later after we got home and I could look her in the eye and actually give her a hug.  I think we're ok. 

But... that feeling of being quite sure that you've let down your kid because they needed one thing - and it wasn't money and it wasn't a toy and it wasn't food and it wasn't candy - it was just you.  That's all she needed.   And I just couldn't.  

Tomorrow is a new day?  Tomorrow is a new day.  But, still might start tucking a bit away for those therapy bills.