Today started off ok, but got off track quickly. Beni had a Girl Scout session today. We were meeting at a Lao textile museum. It was in a part of town I don't know at all, but I had directions that seemed straightforward so I thought we'd be ok. We left the house 20 minutes before we were supposed to arrive, knowing it was supposed to be a 20 minute drive. 40 minutes later I was desperately trying to reach someone, because I officially couldn't find it. 50 minutes later we gave up and headed home. 52 minutes later we got a phone call that uncovered the issue (there was a fork in the road that was not mentioned in the directions. Yeah.). So, we finally arrived an hour after we left, 40 minutes late. Needless to say, especially after realizing the problem with the directions, I was not in a great mood.
We get in only to see this was the week only 3 other girls made it. None of Beni's friends. So she instantly got shy. Beni is a lot like me in that she can be crazy outgoing and confident, but in a brand new situation with people she doesn't know, she can also get stupidly shy. When she does this, she clings, she mumbles, she whines, she baby-talks not real words. She pulls on me and tries to practically get inside me.
Sometimes, when I am in a good head space, when I can put the baby down, etc, I can deal with this. When it's not 500% humidity. But when we're out and I have the baby and my bag and I'm sweating through my clothes and the lady who is supposed to be leading a tour through this place is useless, so there is nothing for me to even try to engage my daughter in.... and I'm already in a bad mood because I couldn't finish my coffee while driving and I just spent 40 minutes trying to find this damn place....well.... then I can't handle it.
I just couldn't. I couldn't deal. Stop whining! Stop mumbling! Stop grabbing at me and clinging to me! Tell me what you need. Why are you being so shy? Aaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!
Beni ran away crying. Fuck.
On the way home a terrible hour later, I tried to talk to her and as soon as I did, she was in tears again and said she didn't want to talk about it. I finally got it out of her, and she says,
"I just wanted a hug, mamma."
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
What kind of mother refuses her child a hug?
Sigh.
I apologized. I told her how I was feeling, and that I was frustrated because she wouldn't talk to me and wasn't actually telling me what she needed. We talked about it again later after we got home and I could look her in the eye and actually give her a hug. I think we're ok.
But... that feeling of being quite sure that you've let down your kid because they needed one thing - and it wasn't money and it wasn't a toy and it wasn't food and it wasn't candy - it was just you. That's all she needed. And I just couldn't.
Tomorrow is a new day? Tomorrow is a new day. But, still might start tucking a bit away for those therapy bills.
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