Leaving behind Bumbi

I finally got official word yesterday from the school in Angola that, for several valid reasons I won't go into, Bumbi can't come with us. I read the email, and then read it again. It took me about 10 minutes until I just started crying. Poor Joel was in the middle of eating his dinner and didn't really know what to do with me. What can you do? I'm sad. It's a sad thing to have to do- and only time will heal the break in my heart that will come with leaving him.

For those of you who might know me a little better, that last paragraph might have come as a bit of a surprise. Sure, I've always had my cats and I have taken care of them pretty well- but pets are pets. I have always made fun of people who view their pets as kids- especially couples who take on a parent role- gack! No worries, I don't feel that I have done that with Bumbi- but what is very clear to me, is that we have established a very strong bond. Not like mother and child- but like pet and owner- two beings that in their own unique way depend on each other for certain things. Bumbi needs me for food and water and a warm place to stay, and, the petting and cuddles are obviously appreciated as well.

This brings the question though- if Bumbi needs me, do I need him? It turns out, that I do. (Or I did.)

Last week I had a very interesting conversation with my therapist. We had missed a few weeks of appointments, because she had been off furthering her own education, among other things. At one point, she had the privilege of having a one on one session with a respected German psychotherapist. She chose to use that time to talk to him about me, and how she helps me through our work together.

What the man ended up telling her was about a now documented syndrome (if you will) that shows up in the third generation of immigrant families-rootlessness. Now, I'm not going to be able to explain it here as well as she explained it to me- but basically, it has been found that the emotional effects of immigrating are greatest on the third generation- it goes something like- the people that are adults when they leave tend to just shut down about where they are leaving. They block it out, and make life happen in the new place (these would have been my grandparents). I don't remember exactly what she explained about the second generation (my parents)- either way, it was not as bad. But the third generation (me, my brothers and all my Latvian American friends!) are the ones that are hit the hardest by the feeling of rootlessness. It's just a feeling of not having roots- not here, not there- not anywhere.

She said that the third generation tends to deal with it in one of three ways- by rooting deeply (please Aussies- I'm speaking American here- think rooting like sending down roots, not, well, you know!) in the new culture/country, by returning to the original culture/country and desperately seeking/forcing roots, or, the third variation- by being wanderers. Clearly, I have fallen into the second and third categories of dealing. But, it seems the second option didn't work out for me- I didn't find and couldn't force my roots here. So I am left as a wanderer; searching for the place where I will someday feel is the right place to send down my own roots.

The added "bonus" I had in exacerbating this "syndrome" is that I come from a core family that is not all that close. I don't mean we don't love each other, or care about each other deeply, but lets face it- we are a divorced family, expanded and changed greatly by remarriages. Because divorced/expanded families are now more normal than ever, a lot of people admire how my family has handled these changes- after the initial ugliness my parents have done a great job of getting along, and all four of them can not only be around each other, but can even enjoy each other's company. That is all fine and good- and I am very glad that at my wedding I won't have to worry about my parents duking it out or anything- but, when it comes down to it- for a child, the family is the family- my core family will never change- my parents and my two brothers. And the truth is that this core family was torn apart, and unfortunately, it wasn't dealt with enough at the time, and at least in my experience, it has had lasting effects. It seems I ended up feeling more rootless than ever because even though we all lived in Kzoo, my brothers ended up leaving for the west, searching out their own fortunes- my parents both remarried and gained new families- and there I was, wondering, where the heck do I belong? Obviously, I didn't feel it was there- and I left for China.

My rootlessness has already been altered by finding Joel, and even more so, now that we have made the choice to form our own family. I think that the future is bright for me concerning finding my roots- or I guess, finding a place that I will choose to send down my roots.

But, coming back to the subject at hand- I wonder if Bumbi wasn't my first roots- and if this isn't the reason that I can't think about leaving him without bawling (a reaction that I will say, I never had when leaving my family to move abroad). When Bumbulis came into my life I would say that it was at a time that I was feeling as rootless as ever, and incredibly alone. He came into my life and became a partner in being. For as silly as it sounds, he was there when I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. It was a feeling of "somebody, or something, needs me". It was just the smallest sense of roots.

Having uncovered all of this, I am not surprised in the least that I am such a mess about leaving him behind. I have asked basically everyone I know to take him- but alas, a pet is a pet is a big responsibility. I desperately wanted to keep him in the family- meaning, living with someone, anyone, that I might someday visit again, and therefore have a chance to see him. But nothing has come up.

What sucks is that all of this is made even worse by the fact that he is just plain the coolest cat EVER. He is big and beautiful, and greets me at the door when I come home and follows me around the house, and sleeps by my feet, or nestled against my back at night. Sometimes, he even perches right on my chest if I'm sleeping on my back. Yeah, he weighs a lot, and it makes it just the slightest bit hard to breathe, but, the weight is almost a comfort- if he's happy, I'm happy. When I cook dinner he comes in the kitchen and sits on the chair and watches what I'm doing. When I'm working at the computer he curls up on my computer bag right at my feet- just to stay close. When Joel and I leave for work in the morning, he is always there at the door, watching us leave. As, I said, when I come home, he is also always there- he greets me at the door, I say,"Hi Bumbi!" and he answers. Sure like any cat he can be mischievous- he jumps up on things he's not meant to, he drank out of the fish bowl when Oscar Goldman was still with us, he eats our (GG's) plants (but not the grass I grow for him)- and when he gets crazy, then he runs around the house like his bum is on fire, crashing into things, knocking things over, etc. But even after that, when he's done, he comes and flops down next to you, and turns his belly up for a rub. Ah, he is just the coolest cat EVER.

My plan to deal with leaving him is to make sure that I get lots of photos of him in the next month- to keep taking photos until I even find one that I want to frame. (God, I'm listening to myself and wondering where thoughts like these come from concerning a pet- but alas, it turns out he's been much more than just a pet). And yeah, when I end up dropping him off where ever his new home will be, I will look him in the eye, thank him for what he has been to me, and let him know that if there was any other way, I would take him with me. And one day, I expect to be able to stop crying about it.

BAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

BLEEEEEEEEEHHHHH!

Ugh.

:(


There is too much going on. There is too much to think about.

Organizing a wedding- I mean, not that, but just finding a place to do it, where people will actually be able to afford to come seems very impossible. I'm trying to align myself with being ok that only a handful of people come- but that is not easy. I'm going to have to ask that Australia and the US move closer to each other. Thanks.

Also, if this school year ended yesterday it would be too late. It needs to end last month. I love these kids, and honestly, I love my job- but this class, as a whole, makes me want to quit my job and go work at a Starbucks. Get me a green apron would ya?

Also, maybe if I could just not be a roller coaster, that would be nice. I mean- check it out, my last post was all happy and yay and whoohoo. And now look at me. Some one chuck me some pills or something hey?

So cheesy, and so into it

I've been through some spaces in the last couple of weeks. You'd think that with just having gotten engaged, I'd have promptly chosen a quality spot on cloud nine and stayed there. Yeah, well- you know me, nothing is ever that easy.

Don't get me wrong- for the 5 days that followed the actual proposal, when we were enjoying a long weekend, and not having to worry about normal every day things, I clung pretty steadfastly to my spot up in the clouds. But alas, we had to return to the real world, and with that return, came a whole truck load of things to deal with.

Mainly what hit me was that WE HAVE TO ORGANIZE A WEDDING! Now, this is actually a complicated enough task, full stop. But adding in that our wedding is going to connect people from several continents, that it is going to happen in a place where none of us has ever been, and that nearly all the planning has to take place "virtually"- it becomes pretty daunting.

I started doing internet searches for everything- hotels, resorts, dresses, you name it. Everything is hard to imagine, hard to believe and well- just hard to understand honestly.

My biggest concern was getting a date and a venue set. Because we are planning a destination wedding, not in the world's cheapest locale, I felt it only fair to give my family and friends, many of whom I hope will join us for the big day, fair warning with what to expect.

After days of wracking my brain, fruitless internet searches and a couple fights with Joel, I finally decided to just find someone to help us. I found a wedding planner online- signed up- got in touch- and started breathing again.

No final decisions have been made yet- not even the date or the venue, because we're still mulling over a few very important points (mainly points dealing with money)- but, the thing is that I now have someone knowledgeable working with me to help me get there. She's asking the questions she knows to ask, and giving me answers that I wouldn't ever have found elsewhere. Most importantly, she's going to make Hawaii work for us, and our guests. :)

So now, now that I am breathing again, I am getting into it. I am getting all cheesed out about being engaged and being a bride and planning a wedding! :) Did you see the total cheese of a count down ticker I have up in the left hand corner there? It's set to a fake wedding date right now, since we don't know what it is yet- but it's accurate within a week. :)

I don't plan on turning into a bridezilla (does anyone?). But I mean, I don't have any grand ideas about how I want things to look either- although I've always dreamt of being married and having babies, I never really dreamt about the wedding itself. I know little bits and pieces. It was easy to pick Hawaii as a place to do it, because a wedding on the beach, or overlooking the beach would be perfect. I know I want blue details in my wedding dress- but I don't know what kind. I know I want good photography, because while everything else about the wedding (not the marriage!) will last only that one day, the pictures will be forever. Of course, I want to be with as many friends and family as can make it. And more importantly than anything else, Joel will be the person I share this day with.

So I'm excited to plan, to explore options and to see how it might all come together. Right now, I am very focused on the things that I can do NOW- feeding myself well, sleeping enough, exercising, breathing- which will have an effect on how everything turns out on that day. And I'm not going to lie- I can't wait until we have a hotel booked, and I am put in touch with the wedding coordinator on site to start talking colors and flowers and all that fun stuff. I really can't wait to get to Melbourne in December so that I can really think dresses. I know I'm in good hands on this one- and am very excited about it!

I'm excited! That is what it comes down to! I am totally excited! And um yeah, I plan on doing plenty of sitting around daydreaming, imaging how wonderful it all will be. I plan on talking about it a lot. With everything else that is going on in the next year (A LOT) I totally plan on spending a whole lot of energy on this wedding. And I'm totally excited!

Like the woman so excited to be pregnant, she starts wearing maternity tops in her second month, I want to wear the "Future Mrs. Smedes" t-shirt, like now. :)

Excited! Cheesy! Happy! In love! (and finally breathing again, thanks to the wedding planner...)

4th of May and more

My first May 4th experience wasn't documented on this blog, because I wasn't writing it yet. But, here is a picture I dug up. By the time May rolled around that year, DS was already living in LV with me. At that point I had thankfully, finally quit wasting my time on HG, and I was in the most classic of all rebound relationships. But, that is ok. So, here is a picture of me that day and one of me and DS:




This year May 4 was a sunny/cloudy/sunny/cloudy kind of day- but it was nice. Joel and I met up with DS and KB and sat in a beer garden and had a few. Then we went and walked around near the Freedom Monument and into Old Town. Here are myself and DS in front of the Freedom Monument this year- where as you can see, they were putting on a much bigger production than back in 2006.


The flowers were arranged into a giant shape of Latvia- and DS told me that people were encouraged to bring the flowers and stick em into the part they were from. Looks like they were pretty well arranged, but either way, it's a nice picture. Here is a picture that Joel got side-on:

(and yeah, the lady and her baby stood there for at least 10 minutes waiting to get a shot with no one else in it)

A lot has changed since that May 4th back in 2006. DS and I were living together then- I hadn't even met Joel. DS and KB were still in the somewhat early and uncertain stages of their relationship (they are getting married June 28th!) Let's face it- that wasn't even a year into my living in Latvia- and the dark winters and loads of potatoes hadn't caught up with my waistline yet. But, given a choice- I stay right where I am- waistline and all. Right now is way better than anything I had going on back then. :)

So today, Joel and I are headed out to the country side- actually to the piece of land where DS and KB will tie the knot, and I guess someday make their home. There isn't anything on the land yet- some old ruins of a house that once was. But, they have been working very hard to get it into shape for their wedding- and of course, their life. So, today we are heading out to help them in their work. This is a very common Latvian practice, the "talka", that surely goes way back to a simpler time when it took a village to do anything. It's a work party. DS and KB need help getting done what they need to do- so they bribe us with food and beer to get us to come put in some grunt work getting stuff done. From what I understand, us girls will be on "branch duty" (check out the link for what this looks like- the fifth picture down) today, and the boys will be digging the all important outhouse.

We were invited to spend the night out there- to bring out tent and sleeping bags, etc. Yesterday we had decided to do it- a night sleeping under the stars would do us good. But, this morning we woke up (after too few hours in bed) and decided that we actually preferred to sleep in our own bed tonight, and actually have tomorrow for ourselves.

So- here I go- the city mouse going out to the country to do country mouse things. :) Wish me luck.

An update on the sunset...

This photo, taken at 9:47pm shows the state of our sunsets these days. Or mostly, just shows the fact that they are not happening until very late! :) This is one thing I will indeed miss about Latvia.

And who doesn't need some gratuitous cat cuteness shots? Gee, I love this guy. :)

A trip down memory lane...

So, of course, with this whole thing happening yesterday, it brought up a lot of conversation about our relationship so far, and who knew what when- as in, which of us knew "this was it" first. I told everyone yesterday that I knew right from the start (like within the first week of casual dating) that he was the guy for me. Of course, no one believes it when you say this. So, I went into my sent emails box, and luckily, my emails go back all the way to 2006- when we met.

In an email dated August 30, 2006 I wrote to AW:

"Marriage... we haven't actually talked about it. I don't get the impression that he is against it. Who knows. I seriously, cannot stop thinking that this is REALLY the guy I am going to marry. WHAT THE FUCK? :)"

There you go! And, anyone (around) can ask DS- I was living with her at the time that I met Joel, and if anyone heard it, it was her. And I remember that time oh so well- I was trying so hard NOT to get attached quickly, but no matter what I did, there was this little voice that would come out of nowhere, whispering, "This is the man you're going to marry..." It freaked me out, and I tried to make it stop because I didn't want to repeat the past- I didn't want to get attached again so quickly only to have it end. No matter what I did, it didn't stop.

I do think it's funny that on August 30 (Joel and I had met at school on August 2,3,4, for a math workshop- and then back to school for teachers was August 14), only two weeks after we started to get to know each other, my friends were already asking if we had talked marriage. Either way, there were ups and downs, but it all led to this, and for that I am grateful.

Actually, yesterday when I was called my friend Kat to tell her the news, I got this overwhelming feeling about the past having led to this. When I think about all of the relationships that are behind me- ones that I fought for (harder than I should have), ones that I struggled in, ones that were just for passing the time, others that were totally fun, others that were huge growing experiences. The thing is there have been a lot of them- and the ones that occurred in the last 5 or 6 years were mostly pretty serious- in more ways than one. They were emotional, they were committed, they were....well, I don't know...they were big. I have always been the one to say that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all- and I still believe that. At this point I am very grateful for all the experiences that I had, because I know that each one contributed in some way to me finding my way here- to these moments.

I'm still pinching myself to see if this is real- I can't really take my eyes off the ring, I can't stop thinking about what it actually means- because for a long time, especially after all those failed relationships, I honestly didn't think this was ever going to happen for me.

But here I am. And I am happy. I love this man, and he loves me. I feel it in my heart, and I see it when I look in his eyes.

It doesn't change anything that I knew I was going to marry him within two weeks of meeting him- it didn't make me have any less totally-insecure-girl freak-outs in the last year and a half. But it is kind of cool. And now, I'll be able to tell my children,"I knew I was going to marry your father from the very beginning." :)