New paths?

So, the thing is, ever since experiencing preparing for a natural birth, having a natural birth, and doing a fair amount of "natural" parenting (exclusive breastfeeding, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, homemade baby food (soon enough)), I can't stop thinking about starting a new career... that is, something that I can do part time mostly from home while I still stay home with the kids until they are all in school. Needless to say, the things that I keep thinking of are.... selling cloth diapers, becoming a lactation consultant (no idea how hard that is or what it requires), even becoming certified to teach natural childbirth education classes- all jobs that would inspire and empower other mothers and fathers for experiences that they would hopefully find as awesome as I did. The thought of becoming a doula has even occurred to me. I don't know if I'm cut out for any of them- well, I'm pretty sure I could handle the cloth diaper selling no problems. In fact, my diaper lady even said she'd be super happy to help me set up, if I really wanted to!

I feel very passionately about all of these things. Natural child birth was empowering, transformative, and amazing. It was my body at its best. I don't know many other times when I am able to get out of my own body's way enough for it to be that amazing. I would LOVE to help other women have such experiences.

Ha ha...wanna hear something funny? So, one of my friends, here in Luanda, is pregnant. She happens to be British. So, we were talking about insurance the other day, because our school switched insurance providers from last year to this year, and even though we were told over and over again that our coverage would be the same or better in all areas, of course it is not. My friend was kind of worried about this, but not really, as she plans on birthing in the UK which means that she doesn't have to pay a cent for anything, because they have national health care. So anyway, we were talking about it, and she was saying that the new insurance doesn't cover midwives- she was really exasperated, because she was like, "How ridiculous is that? I mean, who else would do all my prenatal and post partum care?" I laughed. Our new insurance provider happens to be an American company. Of course midwives aren't covered. Ok, that isn't really fair, because our last insurance company was an American company as well, and they did cover certified nurse midwives (CNMs). Anyway, I had to explain to her how in America most women see OBs for their WHOLE pregnancy, from day 1 through the 6 week post partum check. The difference between the American maternity and birth systems and lots of other places was never so stark as in that conversation! She literally couldn't imagine who would take care of her if not a midwife. Because that is what midwives do.

So anyway... I don't know what it takes to get certified to teach NCB classes either. I should look into these things. But then, I also don't know how much good career paths like these would be in the kind of places we might choose to live in the next few years. I just know that I feel very pulled to do something with all of this passion. It's a passion that I haven't felt for my (old) job in a couple of years, unfortunately (there are a multitude of reasons for that). I mentioned it to Joel and first he asked if I would now admit that my masters was a waste of money (no, I won't- how is an education ever a waste of money?), and then said that if I really feel so strongly about it, then certainly I should pursue new paths. So we'll see. Maybe one of these days I'll be sharing about my new path...

5 months old today!

She's FIVE months old today!!! Where did the time go? It's funny because, 5 months isn't really a long time in most of our lives, but, I suppose it seems like a long time for her, because it's HER WHOLE LIFE so far!

So check it out- it's the first "monthly" picture where she is not sitting against something, but sitting up on her own! She's not totally stable yet sitting up, she does still tip over, but, she's much more stable than she was. It's funny because her ability to do little things like this are expanding exponentially. Like two weeks ago she basically couldn't do this at all, and then all of a sudden, she can basically sit up without falling over. The in between time was so quick!




Beni does enjoy her going for walks in her stroller. I have to admit, while we spent a lot of time and effort picking out the best stroller, I hated using it at first. I only ever wanted to carry her in one of our baby carriers. I just liked having her close to me, being able to not just see but feel what is going on with her, and frankly, I found the carriers to be much easier- no issues pushing through crowds, having people bump into her, etc. Anyway,
when we got to Angola, Joel finally insisted on starting to use the stroller. He mostly used it by himself with Beni- if I was going along, I would carry her. These days though, when I go to tutor, I do put her in the stroller, so that Joel can push her around while I'm tutoring. It's funny because I seriously started to feel like that crazy character in the movie Away We Go who was all, "Why would I want to push my baby away from me?" Anyway, I am a little more chill about it now, but, I still prefer to wear her, if just for the ease than anything else. Nah, I'm not going to lie, I like to have her close to me as well. :)

Oh, and everyone really loves her sunnies too. :) She wears them very well, doesn't try to take them off or anything. Not yet anyway. I'm hoping that maybe since we started her on them so early that she might just take them for granted, and not try to get rid of them, but we'll see!















So I think just the other day I was writing about how she
has been trying to push up on to all fours, but wasn't as
close as we thought she might be. Well, guess what???
She did it today! She was amazing! Look at these pics where she is fully off the ground! The funny thing is that she was doing it on her own, but then I would say encouraging things to her, and she would smile so big and do it more. I caught her on video as well, and when she did it on video, and I was egging her on, she got this huge smile on her face, even though she wasn't even looking at me. So cute!




































Finally, a few more pics of her cheesing it up. She smiles all the time these days. Basically every time she establishes eye contact with Joel or I she flashes a big one. With someone new (like when our friends come to visit) it usually takes a few minutes before she warms up, but once she does, she's all smiles for just about anyone. But as I have mentioned before, when the camera comes out, she usually just like to stare at it with that quizzical look. Well, I think she is finally getting used to the camera being around, because I have been able to get her to look at me instead of the camera, and then when I ham it up, she smiles for me. I also get down on the floor with her, and then just set the camera on the floor, and shoot blindly, which then takes her attention away from
the camera. I guess I feel like I have to try to get these shots (not just because they are super cute) but to prove that she doesn't take after me in all ways- she does smile, much more than I do. :)





Oh, and check it out, she also still spits up. :) Like that looong line of gloopy white stuff??? Yummmy! :)










Yoga much? She's been doing so much of it lately... :)







P.S. Mook- PPC in full force here with intentional picture placement. :)

Beni in black and white

A few more pics of my baby girl. :)
Ain't she cute?

My desire to understand my camera, be able to use it in manual modes, and to take good pictures on purpose, instead of by chance, is back.

I took all of these pictures yesterday as I was messing with my camera settings. I have also since messed with them in a photo editing software. This top one is my favorite.

In big news, Beni can now push up so high on her arms. She is working on getting her legs under her as well. So far we're mostly seeing one leg come way up, but the other doesn't follow. Which is funny, because there was one day I swore she was on the verge of getting up on all fours all day- but, she's still got a way to go. Which is ok by me. The fact that she can now scoot backwards already complicates things. She keeps finding her way off the carpet onto the cold, hard tiles. I worry about her rolling over and hitting her head on the tile! Today, she was playing on the carpet by herself and next thing I know she was almost stuck under the armchair, because she had scooted way back. Her legs were under it. Silly girl.
So, the days of just leaving her somewhere while you quickly do something are coming to a swift close.

That's ok. Watching her grow and change is by far the most amazing thing I have ever had the honor to participate in. Some days, I'm not going to lie, I still can't believe she's mine. In fact, how's this- in October we're going on a holiday to Cape Town, South Africa. We're traveling with two other couples. One of the women we're going with just loves babies, and any time she sees Beni she always wants to hold her and play with her, etc. I can hardly blame her (and it doesn't bother me cause she gives her back if she gets fussy)! Anyway, one day, I sort of noticed that I was having a little bit of anxiety about it (the holiday), and then I thought to myself, "Mara, she's yours. You can take her back anytime you want!" Seriously, my thought process was basically that I was thinking this was all going to come to an end for me. Nope, I get to keep her as long as she'll have me!

I really love every day that I have with her. I mean, I can be doing something as mundane as working out, she'll be sitting on the floor playing with her toys, and then she'll just look at me, and smile the biggest smile, almost as if to say, "I sure am glad you're here." Back at ya kid, back at ya.

Also, just as a side note- do you remember how when I was pregnant I always said that I thought Beni was a boy, BUT, I knew in my heart of hearts, that I would have a daughter someday? Well, for one thing, I wonder if my signals weren't just getting crossed because there was so much external pressure or expectation for her to be a boy, but anyway, that's neither here nor there any more. What I want to say is that the other day, well, a couple weeks ago, it just came to me that we would have another daughter, and then a son. So, who knows. I just wanted to write that down somewhere, so that it was there to come back to someday. Kind of like I documented the fact that I knew I would marry Joel like a week into things. :)

Also, as a very final note, I have to say that it kills me that I cannot use q-tips on Beni (they say it's not safe to do so with babies). My nails are kind of short right now, and I can't scrape much wax out of her ears with these shorties. But it's there, every time she nurses, just staring me in the face, taunting me, "You can get me, you can't get me!" Oh you just wait, you ear wax you, a couple more days, you'll be further out, and I will get you! Ah, just remember, this comes from the chicky who loves popping zits, too. :)

Blogs... like a great book that just keeps going and going

It's no secret that I am a fan of blogs. I mean, hello, here I am. But I love reading blogs, too. One of my favorites, Momma Says the F Word (link can be found in the list to the left) just posted that she gave birth to her third baby (including super cute pictures!). I have been following that blog since her first baby was only a few months old. Seriously, it's like a good book that just keeps on going. Most of the books I like to read are just life stories (not mysteries, not sci-fi, etc)- just plain old stories of, "this is what happened to me (or these fictitious characters) ..." kind of stuff. So yeah, blogs that also simply capture the events in the life of a family- especially ones that do it with writing so witty and sarcastic that it makes you laugh out loud- are my favorite. I just added another one to my list- Pacing the Panic Room. Lots of great pictures there.

Sadly, I've also removed a few blogs from the list- they were all blogs that were dead for some time now, but I was hoping that they would magically resurrect. Alas, no such luck. In fact, one of the authors just wrote me an email saying, "I'd take that down if I were you." She told me she's left the blogosphere completely. So I suppose she won't see these words, "I will miss you, Domestic Nemesis."

I don't know if anyone feels similarly about my blog. It seems that mostly my blog has come down to family keeping up with Beni. I don't mind that (too much)- making my blog private kind of made that happen. Who knows...maybe when we move again, and I am not working, I can un-private it, and get some new life coming to it. Maybe not. We'll see.

The thing is, I've always been a fan of books that kept going just a little too long. Cause I like to know what happens next. I love to read epilogues, where the author spells out the happily ever after.

Right now I'm reading the second book of a quartet of books (I've already read book 1 and 3, waiting for 4 to come out in November, but have already pre-ordered it to my Kindle). Does it matter that I'm reading book 2 after having already read book 3? Not really. They are romance novels, so I already know how the books will go- the romantic couple are obvious from page 1- I know they will get together, then will have an issue that will split them up, and then they will get back together, and they WILL live happily ever after. These four books are about four friends that run a wedding business together (there's the planner, the florist, the baker and the photographer), and in each book, as you can imagine, one of them pairs off. So I know they will all find love. They will all plan each other's weddings and live happily ever after. You'd think that would be enough- 4 friends, 4 romances- but me, I would buy book 5, in which one of them has a baby. Of course, taking this direction would probably take the book out of the "romance" genre, but, I would buy it. And I'd but the next three where the other three had babies. I'm also the person who thinks of TV characters as friends. What can I say, I get invested in characters! Huh, funny, considering I've never felt very good at making friends in real life- which came first, the chicken or the egg?

So, that said... I am so excited for (my friends ;) Big W and Big K over on Momma says the F word on the arrival of their third baby. I've never met these people (although, I do actually have a real life link to them- only 3 degrees of separation- my friend is good friends with their cousin), but, like the characters in a good book, they feel like friends that I can just keep coming back to.

Umm...

I want to write. It feels like there is something inside of me waiting to be said...maybe bubbling to the surface soon, but I'm not sure what it is. As it is, my mind is all a swirl with different thoughts.

Some of the blogs I read pull off the great balance of appearing to be somewhat spur of the moment, journal type entries (the kind that make you feel like you know EVERYTHING about the author and their life!), while still pretty much always having every post be about one subject, well thought out, well put together and well edited. I used to use this blog as a journal, straight up. I used to just pour my heart out on these "pages", and these days it just doesn't seem possible any more. So, one of my thoughts is about wanting to have a blog like that- a blog that is possibly not ONLY about Beni, that contains some of my heartfelt thoughts, but doesn't cross the line of, "Oh God we didn't want to know that about her!"

Other thoughts... did you know that I am now officially a stay-at-home-mom? As in, I get to stay in this position indefinitely. We are already thinking about our next posting- most especially where it might be. But, we've changed our status from teaching couple with one dependent to one teacher with two dependents. It does change things for us, and will make finding a great job for Joel a little more tricky. But I have every belief that it is possible and that we will do it. We are in a financial position to be able to afford to live on one income, and I just couldn't shake the thought, "If someone is going to do the "job" of raising my kids every day...why not me?"

I would love to find a way to earn some money working from home. Of course, if I were living in the States this would probably be way easier. I have no idea how to do it from abroad. As it is, I have taken on tutoring three days a week, for an hour at a time. Currently I have two girls, and soon I might add a third child. The money I make from tutoring is ridiculous. Apparently, tutors make good money! Two of the days I tutor, Beni hangs out with Joel. On Wednesdays Joel has a staff meeting, and I am able to take Beni with me. It really couldn't be a better set up.

If there were a way for me to earn money doing something to have to do with natural birth at this point, I would do it. I don't know what that could be though. I would love to get certified and teach natural child birth classes, or maybe even be a doula. I'm not sure. But I am also really not sure what kind of a market there would be for any of that abroad. Hmmm...

I'm just going to say this.... I can't wait to be pregnant again. I am loving every day with Beni. It is amazing watching her grow and change and be able to do new things. I make sure, absolutely sure, to stop every day and just breathe her in, appreciate her, and get really present to who she is at that moment. All that said, I still can't wait to be pregnant again, to grow another person, to have another tiny little baby. I really felt like a superhero while pregnant, I mean, hello, I was GROWING A PERSON!!! I also felt beautiful while pregnant, which for any of you that know me well, know is an accomplishment. My body finally felt like it looked the way it was supposed to while pregnant. In fact, it was like my body had been waiting for pregnancy as long as I had. My body apparently misses pregnancy quite a lot, because it refuses to not look pregnant anymore. Sigh. Working on that one.

Anyway, don't get too excited- we won't be getting pregnant any time soon. We will probably follow the path of so many others and space our child somewhere around two to three years apart. But, I just can't wait for it! :)

Enough... I need to write a coherent post, I guess at some point when I have something coherent to say. Hopefully the time will come soon.

Woah, look at this!

No, I know, you're already looking... nice new layout, huh? Yay for blogger coming up with some new backgrounds and templates and whatnot. Now, this is really going to change how I post pictures I guess, because, the pictures in the post below look REALLY silly now. But I'm sure I'll figure it out. :) Ok, let's just try one now... :)



Isn't she the cutest? ;)

P.S. The pictures in the post below were so messed up, I had to try to edit them...and then I lost one altogether. Oops. Anyway, they still look bad, but not AS bad. :)

Brussels Sprouts and Baby Love! :)

Brussels Sprouts- this is how they look when they are ready to go in the oven- cleaned, cut in half and tossed with olive oil, salt and pepper.

Baby LOVE! Look at how cute this baby is! It actually rained today in Luanda- totally weird and unexpected. This is the kind of place where it only rains in the rainy season, and the rainy season is NOT now. Anyway...so it's been cooler than usual, and yet, inside, I am hot all the time (possibly because we have to keep all windows closed all the time since we have no screens anywhere, and mosquitoes KILL!), so we have the air on anyway. So after Beni spit up all over her clothes this early evening I put her in pjs, and stuck the really too small hat on her head as well. So cute!


Could you seriously just eat her up? When I see this pictures as I work with them at night, they make me want to just go cuddle with her. I mean, really? Goodness, I love this child!

And then, down here, the picture of the Brussels Sprouts when I took them out of the oven. They could even go a while longer. They were good like this, but the brown, crunchy bits get almost sweet, they are so good! Mook, if you like em boiled I HIGHLY recommend you try roasting them. I think you will love them even more.
I don't know if putting her in pjs early was to blame, but by the time this last picture was taken, Beni was basically like, "just put me to bed already, ok?" :)

And someone tell me that I am not the only one who appreciates these nearly identical pictures. I mean, they are almost the same, and yet so different! I couldn't post just one!

I was TOTALLY wrong!

Beni = Joel + a little bit of Mara!

I mean, really? I think they're nearly identical! Thanks for supplying pictures Maria and Julie! :)

Everything is ok

For those o you that saw my now deleted previous post- no worries, everything is ok. Neither Beni nor I are in danger of anything. I am simply, continually learning how to deal with my internal demons which all come up around my weight and self-image. The only reason I worry for Beni, is because I would never want to pass on any of my issues to her. So, sorry if I alarmed anyone- everything is fine.

Brussels Sprouts!!!! YUM!

I have a new found, very deep love for Brussels Sprouts! Fresh ones showed up in the grocery store here and I decided to try them again. I had only tried them once before, in Latvia, and I hated them that time. I cleaned them (washed and then cut off ends and yucky outer leaves), cut them in half, smothered them in olive oil and salt and pepper and stuck them in the oven. Roast on high for as long as it takes for them to get pretty darn brown. Then take them out, and try not to eat the whole pan. Twice, I have eaten the whole pan. Even Joel has been eating them. Surprisingly, last weekend, our neighbors had us over for dinner, and they had also made Brussels Sprouts- except she had microwaved them I believe, and served them naked. I was very afraid that I would not like them with the olive oil and the roasting. Guess what? They were great! Tonight we had frozen ones with a little butter and salt. I ate my serving which was a normal sized one, and Joel didn't finish his. They were NOT good. Fresh=yum. Frozen=not so much. I find that corn, carrots and peas are ok frozen, sometimes broccoli...anything else, just not worth it. So, I don't know what season Brussels Sprouts usually come with, but, whenever they show up in your neck of the woods, I would highly recommend trying some- roasted if you need a safe way to go. So good! I will try to take a picture of some when I make them next time, to show you just how brown we like them. The only bad thing is, well, there are two bad things- one, I think me eating them gives Beni gas. So I feel bad for her on that front (obviously it's not bad enough for me to stop eating them). The other thing is that the people that built our apts were idiots in several ways and the kitchen has no fan in it, not even over the stove. The only thing it has is unscreened windows in the laundry room which is just off the kitchen. But hello... this is the land of malaria, which you get from mosquitoes! So I don't know anyone who is big on just flinging their windows open, especially not, let's say at dinner time, when it's getting dark out and the mozzies would be extra drawn toward your lit up kitchen. So, what I'm trying to say is, when we roast Brussels Sprouts, we smell them for days. And it's not that pleasant of a smell. But it is worth the mouth fun.

I think it's funny that pretty much every stereotypically child-hated vegetable is on my top ten list now. :)

Sad... :(

I have spent the last two nights working on editing some video I took of Beni. I edited it, added titles and transitions...made it totally cute. Then it was still too big a file, so I went back and cut out more. I have spent HOURS working on this. And now, there is nothing wrong anymore, and the damn file just won't upload. It's only 76MB, and the upload limit for blogger is 100MB, so it should be fine. But I have tried several times to upload it, and every time, I just get some stupid message in Portuguese that says that it didn't work.

I don't know what else to do. I'm sad. I want to upload it here. It's way too big a file to send or anything, so, if I can't get it up here, then, I can only show it to Joel, and he doesn't even want to watch it. I mean, he sees Beni every day, and he doesn't need my peanut gallery comments. Sigh. I don't know what to do. :(

Later on... Ok, the video is posted on facebook. It worked there just fine. So, if you wanna see it, go there.