We need to talk about this

We need to talk about depression.  We need to talk about mental health.  We need to talk about the things that make us human, that make us who we are, the things that connect or distance us.  Everyone has something.  We need to talk about it.

In the months since I've been formally diagnosed as depressive, and since I started taking anti-depressants, I've swung back and forth on the pendulum of expression.  On the one hand, I've wanted to talk about it, badly, because, I am that way.  On the other hand, it has at times felt like admitting to a failure.  I've worried what people will think about me if they know.  I've worried if they will trust me with their children in my job, or value my opinion as a friend.  You just never know what people will think.

But here's the thing.  This is why we need to talk about it.  Because you know what I realized?  I realized that I am a super successful person.  I'm educated.  I have a Master's degree.  I have a loving relationship with my husband of five and a half years.  We have two children who are, so far, healthy, happy, mostly polite and super smart.  We might not have a ton of money, but our life certainly is rich in experience.  And though we don't live in luxury (of course, depends on your definition), we don't want for things either.  All our needs are met, and many, many of our wants.  I have friends around the world! I have accomplished other goals I've set my mind to- like become a LLL leader, and helping other mothers with not just breastfeeding issues, but loads of other things too.  I am a mother, and my children know I love them. They turn to me for anything and everything, because they know I am there for them. I'm a successful person. And I've done all that, achieved all of that, while battling depression.

I am not a waste of space.  I am not someone to be scared of. I am not someone you can't trust or count on.  I am a successful person who has achieved awesome things, and who also suffers from depression.    

And yes, sometimes my depression makes me feel angry about myself or my life.  Sometimes it gets control and I forget that I am worth anything, because the only thing I can see is a waist line twice as big as it "should be."  Sometimes it's hard to make myself take care of myself.  Sometimes I eat a lot in one sitting and then some more.  Sometimes, it's really hard. BUT, even so- I am still a successful person.

Which is why we need to talk about this.  Because some people just have mood swings, and other people have uncontrollable feelings which need some kind of help- whether that's therapy or medication or something else. But, we're all still people trying to do the best we can and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

So here's me talking about it.  Because on the off chance that you, the person reading this, is someone who respects me, who thinks I'm pretty cool, or pretty great or anything at all positive, then I want you to know, that everything I've done, I've accomplished while battling depression.  And, heck, now that I'm finally treating it, who knows what could happen next.  Watch this space. :)

Is it allowed?

Is one allowed to abandon a blog for 18 months, and then just return and pick up like it never happened?

Well, I might just do it.

I'm feeling productive.  As in, I feel like producing.

Sometimes I wonder what stands between me and the things I do, compared to other people and the things they do.

I hear people say things about how they do stuff because they are compelled to do it, or just can't not do it.  I'm trying to think of anything that could possibly be that way for me. I can not write, I can not read, I can not watch TV, I can not knit or crochet, I can not do yoga, I can not exercise, I can not cook.  I can pretty much not do a lot of stuff.  I can not do anything.

So, what's the difference between me and them? Is it something in my head? In my composition? In theirs?

I love doing all those things, and now and then I'll do any or all of them.  I've been drawn back to this here writing thing just now. But...

Well, let's see if it lasts.