Beni!

Watching the rain...

I am desperate to write about Beni, because I don't want to forget how amazing she is right now. :)  She has grown up in several ways, very suddenly, and it's sort of left me in awe! 

Beni has never been what anyone would call a "good sleeper."  I never did any kind of sleep-training with her, because I don't believe in it.  I gently nudged her in the direction of better sleeping habits at a couple points, but, if she needed me, or she needed to nurse, I let her.  My philosophy was always meeting her where she was, and letting her tell me when she was ready for something else.  Well, last week, I was faced with bedtime on my own with both kids.  I wasn't sure how I was going to manage it, since Beni has historically required someone to be with her until she falls asleep, and I didn't see how Zintis would accommodate that.  Well, that night, I got her ready for bed, and then I was sitting at the foot of her bed waiting for her to fall asleep, when she started goofing off.  I told her if she was going to goof off instead of sleep, I was going to leave.  Well she ever so lovingly (NOT) told me, "EJ PROM!" (Go away!)  So I left.  I told her I was going to sit out in the hallway, and she should go to sleep.  And guess what?  That is exactly what she did! And every night since then, she nurses for 5 minutes or less, climbs into her own bed, turns out the light, I give her a kiss, and then I sit in the hallway for about 5-10 minutes until she's asleep!  

What else is very amazing is that Beni has always been a frequent waker at night.  Even after she night-weaned at 20 mos, she would still wake up, and need a drink or a cuddle or whatever.  She didn't follow the rule that she would start sleeping through the night as soon as she weaned.  But somewhere along the way she did start sleeping through the night by definition (5 hours), and then all of sudden, there was a night where she slept from the time we put her down until what absolutely anyone would call morning (like 6-7am). She has definitely regressed with this as she's been sick a lot since we got back to Laos, and every time she's sick, she sleeps very poorly.  But, she just did it again last night- fell asleep in her own bed on her own, and didn't wake until 6:00 this morning when Joel got up- so there is hope on the horizon that she will do it again tonight, and most nights after that.  

It is very reassuring for an off-the-beaten-path mom like myself that it's ok to follow my gut, and continue to parent the way that feels right.  That my child will do what she's "supposed to do" when she's ready for it.

Speaking of which...Beni was just over 2 when Zintis was born, which for many children and parents is a great time to potty train.  Well, given the upheaval I felt Beni's entire world was in, I wasn't going to put the stress of potty training on her as well.  I kept telling anyone who would ask, that my plan was to attack the issue once we had settled back into life here in Laos.  

Well, turns out, I didn't have to do much.  When we got back here, Beni started showing all these signs of being ready for potty training.  She would tell me RIGHT AWAY when she had a wet diaper, and even faster when she pooped.  Not just that, but she would either take the diaper off herself (if it was just wet) or she would drag me up the stairs to have her diaper changed if it was poop.  What else... she started taking her clothes off in general- which means she powered through figuring out how to get everything over and off arms and legs, etc.  And she also started putting things on- things like underwear.  

When it got to the point that she was running around naked, or just in underwear, and had peed on the floor a couple times, I just said, "Look, if you're not going to wear a diaper, you have to pee in the potty.  No more pee on the floor."  And seriously- she started going on the potty!  Since the day that happened, she's had maybe 1 pee accident.  She has peed in diapers when she has them on (when leaving the house and at night), but, if we're home, she has peed on the potty 99% of the time. Amazing!  Even better, after only 1 poop on the floor, she figured that out too.  

Now I can add to the list of things I never thought I would think, "A toddler that poops in the potty!  It's like a dream come true!"  

I'm not entirely sure how we're going to move from this naked all the time and peeing/pooping in the potty at home, to no more diapers while out of the house or at sleep times... but for now, we're all just enjoying that Beni potty trained herself in a matter of days. It's been awesome.  And I have to say, there is nothing so cute as seeing her naked little bum scramble by, as she runs for the bathroom, muttering to herself, "podins, podins, podins" or, "kaka podina, kaka podina". It is awesome. :) 

Beni talks in sentences now.  Every time she does it, it still surprises me.  I can't get over some of the words she's learned to use, and the intricacies of language that she has picked up.  For a while there, one of her favorite words was "varbut"- in English, "maybe". Joel uses this word a lot in his Latvian (probably more than your average Latvian-speaker), so she certainly picked it up from him.  But the ways in which she would use it just crack me up! She would say things like, "Sito samsejums pec vakinas, varbut?" (This ice cream after dinner, maybe?")  And of course, she has her toddler speak for all kinds of words.... samsejums and vakinas being two of them.  She calls mac & cheese makucheese.    Corn (kukaruza) ir kukakuza.  There are so many great examples of the fun things she says, but mostly, it's just that she puts together so many words at once, and some of the words she uses are truly priceless.   Like, when she goes into a room and the light doesn't turn on right away, and she says, "Come on, lampa!"  I'd say she's speaking equal parts English and Latvian now, often mixing the two. I can only hope that she'll continue to use the Latvian (we both still try to speak to her in Latvian all the time) through the years, but I know the dice are stacked against her on that one.   

There are so many other things she does right now, which I would like to remember.  She will NOT wear clothes while at home.  It's been a week now.  She is a "pod-a" stealer- her word for the iPod.  She knows pretty much everything about the way it works, and if she doesn't know...well, just give her a minute.  We severely limit her time on the pod-a, because she would spend hours on it.

She eats like a toddler is supposed to.  One day she will eat an entire steak.  Ok, maybe not steak (I don't know if she's had actual steak)- but big piece of elk, 2 whole sausages, a whole chicken breast... you get it- she EATS.  And the next day she will act like meat is the worst thing in the world, and will eat an entire head of broccoli.  Most days she will happily eat her weight in rice, potatoes or noodles. And she loves cheese, and she loves oatmeal, and she loves yogurt.  And if you give her rice and black beans... watch out, don't get in her way while she eats!  She, like her mamma, loooooves sour cream.  She has just recently gotten into keputz (ketchup), and will request it with some foods.  And, as I mentioned before, she does like her ice cream (samsejums) as well.  

I wish I could remember all the other little things... she loves to play with other people when there are people around to play with.  She will drag pretty much anyone by the hand into her play room.  When we were back in the States she was absolutely in love with her cousin Shyreece.  She also loved to play with Brenna and James and with her other cousin Vasara.  BUT, and this is important, she can play for hours on her own. I love to watch her play. She goes into that play room, and she doesn't really use things the way they're "supposed" to be used...but she plays.  She uses her imagination, and she keeps herself occupied.  Sometimes she'll come ask for help to get a doll dressed, or open a box or put a puzzle together...but mostly, she is quite content to do it all on her own.  She doesn't necessarily have play dates that often, especially not here in Laos, but, I think that is quite alright.  

I exercise 4 days a week now, at home, in the living room.  She likes to jump around (naked) with me, imitating what Billy Blanks or Jillian Michaels is doing on the TV.  It's hilarious.  She will also sometimes get out my yoga book and attempt some of the poses.  She does this on her own, and it is absolutely mesmerizing to watch her look at the book, and then look at her own body, and back at the book, and back at herself.  The lacking self-awareness is so evident, but it is a beautiful thing to watch her discover it.  

Not exercising...but this is often what it looks like- naked with shoes on. :) 

When it comes to her brother, she has a little bit of a love/hate thing going on.  She knows she's the big sister, and she knows he's important.  She worries about him.  If she walks into a room and sees me empty-handed she will immediately ask, "Where Zintis?"  He is usually asleep in his cot, and she'll accept that answer, but sometimes she will go have a look just to double check.  She gives him kisses and covers him with blankets and tries to really take care of him.  The problem is that she does not know her own strength or her own weight.  Just today, I caught her SITTING ON HIM.  Lord almighty! She tries to imitate the things I do to him, like kiss his feet- but she'll wrench his whole leg toward herself, not understanding that I am doing it gently, because his foot is right there, by my mouth.  So she wants to be loving, but, doesn't always quite make it.  

She has made a few comments now and then about someone else taking Zintis.  She often says for Daddy to take Zintis, so she can be with me. When Oma and Opa were here, she told Oma to take Zintis home.  But, I think this is a temporary thing- she just wants him gone at that moment, not forever.  She's definitely not used to not being the center of attention anymore, although she's getting there.  

She calls herself Bendida.  She is two.  She is powerful.  She is stubborn.  She is caring.  She is funny.  She is creative.  She is beyond smart.  She is already amazing, and will only continue to become more so! 

   

The little man

A week or so shy of three months....

All in a day's work

Today was the first day that I had to really honestly do the stay-at-home mom to two kids thing.  Since Zintis was born, I have had help of one sort or another pretty much every day.  But today, finally, all the help was gone- no Joel, no grandparents, no friends, no aunts and uncles... just me and the kids.  I have to say, I've been dreading this day for a while. Based on the few times I have had to do a few hours on my own with the kids here and there, I was worried about how this whole thing would go!

Well, today went remarkably well. No big blow ups, no huge tantrums...and I kind of got a lot done today!

It's very easy at the end of the day to feel like nothing got done at all... so I thought I would actually make a list of what I did today.  Not to prove anything more than that I actually did quite a lot today, even if it doesn't look like it.

So, not at all in the order I did it all... here is what I did today, all while minding two children:

• a 30 minute workout
• washed 3 loads of laundry 
• made breakfast for Beni and myself
• made lunch for Beni and myself
• washed the dishes from breakfast and lunch
• put clean sheets on our bed
• took out the garbage from all the bathrooms
• got both kids down for naps (Zintis at least 3, Beni 1)
• shower
• hung 3 loads of laundry
• nursed Zintis on demand
• cleaned up the floors- especially every time Zintis spewed 
• washed out two garbage cans
• folded and put away dry clothes
• wrote a blog post (other than this one)
• got the kids dressed
• changed about 10 diapers

In the end the list doesn't look that long to me, but when I think about how long some of those tasks take... it all adds up!  Getting all of that done between 7 and 4 suddenly seems like kind of a lot.  Cause you know how it is with kids around... you start something, and then they need something or just start climbing on you and you can't actually do what you're doing, etc.  

I know every day won't go this well.  I know there will be plenty of days when I get a lot less done.  I hope there are days when I actually do more stuff with the kids. That is one thing I still want to strive to find a balance on. As a stay at home mom, I have a responsibility to the house, but I also have a responsibility to the kids.  I waiver back and forth on how much they need in the way of special kid centered activities versus just following me around the house, helping me with household tasks, or playing on their own.  I think there is value in all of these things- I think there is a whole huge amount of value in them playing on their own, AND in them helping me with stuff around the house, or just seeing me do it.  But, I know that spending a few focused minutes on doing something fun, that they choose, is also very important.   I'll admit, I definitely put in more effort to keeping up with the house during the day, than doing special stuff for the kids.  So yes, more time focused on the kids- being with them, not just doing stuff for them (like feeding, changing, etc).  

As I said, I know not all days will go like this.  Beni is sure to hit some more walls.  Zintis may start making things more difficult sooner or later when he gets mobile or starts eating or whatever.  He's such a good sleeper right now- hopefully he won't change that.  I am bound to have lazy days, or bad days or whatever as well.  

I really do enjoy being at home with the kids, and I don't mind the housework either.  I'm glad we have good days. I know we'll have bad days, and I wish us all strength in just getting through them.  When it comes down to it, it's all in a day's work! 

The next day: Yep.  See?  Not every day will go so well.  I got practically nothing done today.  Beni was in a mood- we ended up going to the docs office to make sure she wasn't sick.  She's not, but is still battling some ear and throat yuckies, which explains that she isn't 100%.  Today is the kind of day where at 9pm I'm still working because I got nothing done during the day.  More dishes, more laundry, more tidying up.  Sigh.  All in a day's work!

Overwhelmed

I just don't know if I can handle this.  I am totally overwhelmed by the creepy crawlies right now.  Ugh.

Now, let me remind you.  I grew up in Michigan.  Michigan is a place where bugs exist certainly, but mostly outside.  In the winter you pretty much don't see bugs, full stop.  None.  No bugs.  In the summer you see bugs- lots of bugs- outside.  And inside occasionally you will get an ant, a ladybug or a fly.  Or a mosquito.  But mostly, if you keep your screens shut, and your house clean, you won't have too many bugs inside.  I am NOT used to living with bugs.  (Ok, there are probably more bugs inside than I care to know- but I'm talking about bugs you can SEE- if roaches inhabit the whole world, they are probably also in houses in Michigan, but you don't SEE them EVER.)

Of course, in my years in Angola and now in Laos, that has all changed.  But I am still having a very hard time getting used to it.

When we arrived back in Laos a couple weeks ago, my brother and sister in law had kindly stocked our kitchen with a few basics so that we would have some food to eat until we had a chance to get to the store.  Their basics included a loaf of bread and a bag of bagels from our favorite coffee shop/bakery.  Unfortunately, both bags were over-run with ants by the time we got to them (which I think was only a day after they put them in the kitchen).  There was also a bunch of bananas had the same problem.  But here is the thing- when I awoke the next morning at 4:30am, after having slept since about 6 the previous evening, I was hungry.  So I told myself that as long as I got all the ants off the outside, and there weren't any ants on the inside, I would just eat a bagel.  Cause you know, whatever, it won't kill me.  So, I had a lovely bagel with some cheese slices for breakfast that morning, and it was good.

Well, since then, the ants have proven that they are intent on being in charge, and I am fighting them with all my might, but, I'm not sure who is winning right now.  If we count fatalities, I am definitely ahead, but if we could frustration and time spent on the endeavor that could be spent doing other things, I am probably losing.  But the thing is... there are ants EVERYWHERE.  We emptied the sugar pot TWICE because two days in a row it was crawling with ants.  And this is the kind of canister that has a rubber stopper kind of lid on it, so how the ants are getting in past the rubber is beyond me.  But the sugar now lives in the fridge.  All it takes is to drop a crumb on the floor and within an hour, you will have a line of ants coming either from the window in the living room, the front door, or from somewhere in the kitchen.  They trek across the house like they own it.

It's been said before, but my husband isn't exactly the neatest chip eater.  In fact, it's no wonder he eats a bag a night- half of it is on the floor/in the cracks of the couch.  This morning I came down to do my workout and found a swarm of ants on one chip he had dropped last night, and a line of ants from the window to the chip.  The ants are in every room in the house on the first floor.  Knock on wood, so far there are none upstairs (but we also don't eat upstairs, ever).  The worst though, is that they are crawling in Zintis's cot- because of his drool on the sheets.  And they are all over the floor where I might put him down sometimes on his play mat or whatever.  Urgh.  Am I asking too much to not want ants crawling on my baby???

On to other creepy crawlies... geckos.  Usually I don't mind geckos at all.  They eat bugs, they are totally scared of humans, and really only come out when it's quiet, so you hardly see them.  But yesterday when we were shifting around a bunch of furniture, we came across a roommate I bet my in-laws didn't know they had while they stayed with us the last two weeks!  The gecko living behind the wardrobe in their bedroom is the same one I once encountered on the stairs.  The dude is MASSIVE.  He's an easy 12 inches long.  We figure he keeps coming into the house via the vent fan in that bedroom, which has no screen of any kind over it.  Joel had to spend a few minutes chasing his around the room (which largely includes chasing his across the walls) with a broom to usher him out.  I went in to see him, and I saw his jump from one wall to the next at a corner.  He cleared a good 12 inches of space.  It was cool, but, is only really cool if you're watching it like on tv, or in a zoo, or something.  NOT in your house.

Ok, but the worst. The worst is the cockroaches.  UGH, cockroaches.  Must have been yesterday, I went to change Zintis's diaper.  I reached for a cover that I don't usually use, because the often used ones are starting to wear out a little on the velcro.  I open up the cover and out pops a cockroach- right onto the change table where Zintis was laying. So of course I start batting at it, trying not to injure my son in the process, trying to get it the hell off the table and away from Zintis! I managed to get that one.  But ew, talk about places you don't want roaches crawling... into your DIAPERS?  Gross!

Then this morning, I go to make coffee.  I open the lid to pour water into the machine and there is a roach right there.  I startle of course and drop the lid.  When I open it back up I see the roach scurry into the hole where the water goes into the machine.  So basically, there is now a roach living in my coffee pot, and all my coffee water will be filtered THROUGH a roach.  No, I cannot deal with this.  I can see the damn roach stuck in the hole- but no amount of turning the machine upside down is getting it out.  My coffee maker is a very simple bottom of the line, 2-cup little pot. But I'm pretty sure it cost an easy $50-$60 here in Laos, because imported things like that are expensive.  My instinct, not going to lie, was the same as what many people suggested- just throw the whole thing away.  But we don't have money to replace the machine, and I REALLY like my cup of brewed coffee in the morning.  I'm not giving up on it- I'm going to try to get the disgusting little thing out.  But I am really sad.

All these bugs make me want to pack everything in our house into plastic bins.  Our fridge is already full of food that would normally be kept out (like sugar, cereal, bread, etc), but, which might attract bugs here, and therefore is kept in the fridge.  And lots of the stuff I have on shelves is only there because it is stored in big tupperware containers (like all my rice, pasta, flour, etc).  But my coffee pot... do I really need to store my coffee pot in a container???

This is me crying sad, sad tears into my cup of instant coffee.  :(

And PS... I've tried so many things... cinnamon and vinegar to stop the ants, cleaning like a mad-woman to stop everything (but honestly, how spotless/crumb-free can you really keep a home that houses a messy man and two small children?).  I use horrible bad chemical sprays when the kids aren't around, and then I wash the places I have sprayed the nasty stuff.  I can hardly leave poisons out anywhere since I have a toddler running around, and am only months away from having a crawler as well.  I'm stuck. We're stuck.  We're stuck in bug land.  :(

   

   

I don't know what to call this stream of blabber....

It's been a crazy few months.  Life has been unsettled to say the least.  At the end of March, Beni and I left Laos and headed back to Michigan.  We moved in with my dad and step-mom.  Although there was offer of more space, we lived in one bedroom (it wasn't realistic for us to use more space really- the other bedrooms were needed time and time again for other people the whole time we were there)- even when Joel arrived and when we welcomed Zintis.  We ended up 4 people living in one bedroom.  Of course we didn't have all our stuff- the stuff which was left in Laos- but even just clothes and daily items for 4 people in one bedroom gets a little stuffy. Anyway...

We lived with them and during that time we referred to my dad's house as "Grandpa's house", though as you do, when we were out, we would say we were "going home".  Then as the time approached to come back to Laos, we started talking about our house back here (which Beni left when she was 23 mos old, and was coming back to 5 mos later after only ever having lived in it for 7 mos) and we called it the house near where Bubba (our nephew) lives.  (I thought this would be a good reference point- but now when we leave the house she says, "Bye Bubba's house!")

Also during the time we were in the States we spent time at The Trailer, Ang's house, Arija's house, Grandma's house, Mary's house and probably a few other places.  All places that Beni came to be familiar enough with to know, to feel comfortable wandering around, etc.

We got back to Laos and Joel's parents, Oma and Opa, showed up less than 24 hours after we did.  They are leaving today after a two week stay.

My point here is that we've lived in a million different places, spent time with a million different people and all of it has been a bit crazy!  Especially considering that in that time Beni and I were apart from Joel for 2 mos, then we added a child to our family, and then after a whole summer (well, 6 weeks anyway) of being a family of 4 together all the time, Joel went back to work only a couple days after we returned.

It's been unsettled.  There have been very few constants.  It is no wonder Beni doesn't know where she lives, who she lives with, what happened, what isn't going to change (no, Oma and Opa are NOT taking Zintis with them!) and so on.  Lord help us help her feel grounded sooner or later!

But you know what?  Partially it's been great.  And the part that has been wonderful is spending time with all these different people.  Some grandparents are more available than others, but, I have to say that after having some help with the kids in the way that I have during these months- it's enough to make me want to live near them!

As I said before in my last post, I'm not finding this transition to two kids the easiest thing.  And frankly at this point, I can REALLY see how having the opportunity to drop Beni off at her grandma's house for a few hours two mornings a week would make it that much more possible for me to not only get stuff done, but to enjoy Beni when she came back. Because the thing is, I KNOW she is the awesome-est little two year old girl ever.  But sometimes being together 24/7 makes it hard to remember that.

And the thing is, the fact that I'm finding things difficult sometimes doesn't mean I want to change my whole parenting philosophy.  I don't want to ship Beni off to preschool 5 days a week just so I can get a break.  I want to rise to the challenge and be the parent I think I can be, the one Beni deserves (not to mention Zintis)- it just isn't easy.  And having a regular date with a grandparent fits in really wonderfully with my parenting philosophy.

Now don't even get me started on how awesome it was to hang out with friends who happen to be parents of similar aged kids and be able to enjoy adult time while also knowing that your kids are all having a great time together.

Not going to lie- there are a lot of things pulling me back to the States right now... so we'll see if we can make it happen.  It's certainly an option on the radar right now.      

Oops

Seems I've neglected this blog.

How do you pick back up when so much has happened in a relatively short time?  Do you just skip it, and start where you are now?  Or do you try to cover what you missed?  Does anyone at all care?  I'm not sure anyone is visiting this blog anymore!

Adding a second child to our family has shifted things so very much.  Wow.  I knew it would of course, but it has also caught me off guard a bit.  Things shifted in ways I couldn't predict, or wasn't ready for.  It hasn't been easy.

I love Zintis to pieces, and I have to say, it is different than having a daughter.  Beni felt like a natural extension of me- I grew her, she came out, she was a girl, we were attached at the hip until... this little boy.  Oh boy.  He's changed everything.  Because it already feels different to love him.  Maybe I'm mistaken, and it doesn't have anything to do with his gender, but more so just to do with him being a different person than Beni- but it feels like it's different because he's a boy. (I guess we'll find out which it is when #3 arrives...whenever that may happen.)

And he needs my attention, and he needs my body, and he needs me... but so does Beni.  And Beni needs me much more emotionally now than before- when she needed me physically as well- and I'm finding trying to find that balance very difficult.

The whole heart expanding to make room for more love and all that works for me...and wasn't such a surprise, because I'd heard it enough times from other people.  I definitely have enough love for everyone- I'm just not sure there is enough ME for everyone.

And yet... I'm still pretty sure we'll have at least 3 kids.  Because even though I don't know how I'll make it through this phase of having a toddler and a baby, I know I will, my kids are probably going to need therapy no matter what I do, and we'll all come out the other side, and then we'll add another one into the mix.

My bestie, who welcomed her third a week before Zintis arrived, says that going from 2-3 was easier than from 1-2 because the older two can play together, entertain each other, and the eldest is definitely old enough to help, and take care of herself a lot.  I can see that.  I can REALLY see that. I think I'm finding going from 1-2 harder than I found going from 0-1.  Because like I said, Beni just felt like she was a part of me, living on the outside, and all I had to do was continue to take care of this part of me. But, now I have two parts of me on the outside, and it's harder.

And Zintis is definitely his own person. He is not Beni #2. (Although some say he LOOKS like a Beni #2.)  He is different than Beni.  As we have gone over time and time again, Zintis and Daddy are boys, they have penises.  Benita and Mamma are girls, we have vaginas.  But beyond that, Zintis sleeps- in his cot, on his own.  (Purely out of necessity of course, I'd hold him for all his naps too if I could, but I can't. And no, don't be crazy, of course he sleeps next to me at night!)  Zintis takes a paci!  Ack!  I hate pacis.  But he won't comfort nurse.  But he wants to suck.  So what's a mamma to do?  He gets a paci.  Zintis cries when he's very tired.  And then he falls asleep in an instant.  Zintis smiles all the time- in a way that makes every person he smiles at think they are the only ones that can make him smile.  He's a pleaser. :) Zintis loves to talk.  He oohs and aahs and makes loud noises. He's hilarious.  Zintis is huge- at 2 mos he's about as big as Beni was at 4 mos.  He's my baby boy, and I love him to the moon and back... and I'm still hoping he grows up into a book worm, chef kind of boy, or even a tractor and horse loving kind of boy rather than an army man, let's play war kind of boy... but I know that is out of my control, and I'm sure I'll get over it eventually.

I'm going to try to get this blog back up to speed... I mean, I am going to try to start writing again because it's good for me.  Some nasty internet experiences (let's just say it like it is- it was cyber-bullying!  Among grown women!  It was pathetic!) made me shy away from doing much of anything at all on the net...but this blog remains private, and I'll keep it that way, so at least it's a safe place.

That's it for now... have to hang up some diapers while I can while Zintis is napping!