Oops

Seems I've neglected this blog.

How do you pick back up when so much has happened in a relatively short time?  Do you just skip it, and start where you are now?  Or do you try to cover what you missed?  Does anyone at all care?  I'm not sure anyone is visiting this blog anymore!

Adding a second child to our family has shifted things so very much.  Wow.  I knew it would of course, but it has also caught me off guard a bit.  Things shifted in ways I couldn't predict, or wasn't ready for.  It hasn't been easy.

I love Zintis to pieces, and I have to say, it is different than having a daughter.  Beni felt like a natural extension of me- I grew her, she came out, she was a girl, we were attached at the hip until... this little boy.  Oh boy.  He's changed everything.  Because it already feels different to love him.  Maybe I'm mistaken, and it doesn't have anything to do with his gender, but more so just to do with him being a different person than Beni- but it feels like it's different because he's a boy. (I guess we'll find out which it is when #3 arrives...whenever that may happen.)

And he needs my attention, and he needs my body, and he needs me... but so does Beni.  And Beni needs me much more emotionally now than before- when she needed me physically as well- and I'm finding trying to find that balance very difficult.

The whole heart expanding to make room for more love and all that works for me...and wasn't such a surprise, because I'd heard it enough times from other people.  I definitely have enough love for everyone- I'm just not sure there is enough ME for everyone.

And yet... I'm still pretty sure we'll have at least 3 kids.  Because even though I don't know how I'll make it through this phase of having a toddler and a baby, I know I will, my kids are probably going to need therapy no matter what I do, and we'll all come out the other side, and then we'll add another one into the mix.

My bestie, who welcomed her third a week before Zintis arrived, says that going from 2-3 was easier than from 1-2 because the older two can play together, entertain each other, and the eldest is definitely old enough to help, and take care of herself a lot.  I can see that.  I can REALLY see that. I think I'm finding going from 1-2 harder than I found going from 0-1.  Because like I said, Beni just felt like she was a part of me, living on the outside, and all I had to do was continue to take care of this part of me. But, now I have two parts of me on the outside, and it's harder.

And Zintis is definitely his own person. He is not Beni #2. (Although some say he LOOKS like a Beni #2.)  He is different than Beni.  As we have gone over time and time again, Zintis and Daddy are boys, they have penises.  Benita and Mamma are girls, we have vaginas.  But beyond that, Zintis sleeps- in his cot, on his own.  (Purely out of necessity of course, I'd hold him for all his naps too if I could, but I can't. And no, don't be crazy, of course he sleeps next to me at night!)  Zintis takes a paci!  Ack!  I hate pacis.  But he won't comfort nurse.  But he wants to suck.  So what's a mamma to do?  He gets a paci.  Zintis cries when he's very tired.  And then he falls asleep in an instant.  Zintis smiles all the time- in a way that makes every person he smiles at think they are the only ones that can make him smile.  He's a pleaser. :) Zintis loves to talk.  He oohs and aahs and makes loud noises. He's hilarious.  Zintis is huge- at 2 mos he's about as big as Beni was at 4 mos.  He's my baby boy, and I love him to the moon and back... and I'm still hoping he grows up into a book worm, chef kind of boy, or even a tractor and horse loving kind of boy rather than an army man, let's play war kind of boy... but I know that is out of my control, and I'm sure I'll get over it eventually.

I'm going to try to get this blog back up to speed... I mean, I am going to try to start writing again because it's good for me.  Some nasty internet experiences (let's just say it like it is- it was cyber-bullying!  Among grown women!  It was pathetic!) made me shy away from doing much of anything at all on the net...but this blog remains private, and I'll keep it that way, so at least it's a safe place.

That's it for now... have to hang up some diapers while I can while Zintis is napping!