Where is that place?

A dear friend of mine is moving away from Laos in June, when her initial 2 year contract ends.  I don't blame her.  She hasn't been happy here; Laos just hasn't been a good fit for her.  I will miss her, and our weekly Taco Thursday dates, but I do not begrudge her leaving. 
She posted on social media today (after seeing yet another dead body in the road) about coming to the realization that she just doesn't like it here, and that that is ok.  It's the second part of that statement which is a big deal.  Every where you go, you're bound to find lots of people that are happy to be where they are.  Because, hopefully, most people don't stay in a place they hate forever.  Or maybe they do and I'm looking at this from a super privileged perspective.  That could very well be true. 
In any case, my friend brought up that she felt guilty for a long time about not liking it here.  Of course, there are people who have chosen this place as a forever home, there are people who find the culture and the environment magical and wonderful and can't imagine why anyone would complain.  And there are plenty of people who fall somewhere between.  But there are people who don't like it - and hopefully we don't meet too many of them, because hopefully they move on before too long.
My friend's realization, and her mention of guilt, reminded me of my own feelings when I left Latvia.  I so wasn't happy there.  I didn't feel like I fit in.  I stepped off the plane on every return with a sinking feeling in my gut.  Heck, sometimes it started in the last port before arriving in Latvia, at the boarding gate as I looked around and saw people who were clearly headed the same place as I was.  It wasn't good.  I felt super guilty because this was supposed to be the place I came from, the place my family and culture and traditions hailed from.  Heck, it IS the place all that came from.  But, it still didn't feel like home to me.
The truth is, surprisingly I have felt more at home in Laos than anywhere.  I don't have a sinking feeling coming back here.  But, is that because this is the place where my family has grown? Where we have MADE a home? Or just because I like it here?  I'm not sure.  It could be a bit of both. 
Between road construction, an endless hot season and just plain life,  I am so so so so so ready for a good long break from Laos right now.   But at the same time, I'm pretty sure I'll come back here in August refreshed and ready to settle in back home and into our life here. 
And so the question remains....where is that place?

My special little snowflake

Sigh. 

The longer I mother, the simpler I wish to make things.   Yeah, Beni got homemade purees for her first foods.  (Which she never ate, by the way! I may have lied about that on this very blog 5 or so years ago.  She hated purees!) Zintis got a few special foods here and there, mostly just stuff cut to the right size for him.  With Vilnis, I was basically planning on making sure whatever he was gnawing on had some nutritional content.  You know, as you do with third babies. :) 

Alas, it turns out Vilnis is our special little snowflake.  Vilnis is having blood in his diapers.  It's happened 4 or 5 times in his life when it's been visible to the naked eye. 

The first time it happened I took a picture, made note, mentioned it to a doctor at some point, but didn't freak out.  The next time it happened, I took pictures again, and sent my pediatrician friend a quick message on Facebook.  

Then it happened twice in two weeks and I started getting worried. 

Add to the blood that he's been a huge spitter-upper since the beginning.  He makes people gasp and make faces when they see how much he spits up.  He makes me change my clothes. I sometimes have to change his too.  He makes frequent sheet changes necessary. 

And then, add on to the spit up the fact that his poops went from being beautiful, yellow, seedy things to mucousy, green things.  The green maybe wasn't so much a worry (some say yes, some say no), but the mucus was. 

He does have 2 siblings and 2 parents who bring germs home from school, but he's been sick a lot, too.  Snotty noses are frequent with him. 

The one good thing, the wonderful thing that we can really thank our lucky stars for, is that throughout all of this he's been eating and growing and happy.  He's a happy spitter-upper.  He sometimes cries out before he toots, but, a little pressure sometimes causes that doesn't it?  Anyway, he's happy. 

But the blood.  So, I went to the doctor again after it happened twice in two weeks and after a good physical check-over (which showed nothing abnormal on the outside), we decided to do a stool sample analysis.  This came back testing positive for white blood cells (infection) and for blood in the stool. 

So, Vilnis's diet consists of one thing, which is mamma's milk.  That means that likely something that is getting to him from my milk is causing his issues.  So, in order for him to get a special diet, *I* have to have a special diet.  Good thing I love him.

So the first thing to go was dairy, which is the number one cause of gastrointestinal distress in babies.  No more parm on my spaghetti,  no more cheese on my breakfast bagel, NO MORE MILK IN MY COFFEE.   Killing me, dude, killing me.

But I powered through.   I found an "extra milky" soy milk which actually was an acceptable substitute for real milk in my coffee.  I had made it almost 2 full weeks dairy free, and close to a hopeful second stool sample analysis,  when he had another bloody diaper.   I was crushed. 

Not just because I can't have milk in my coffee.  Because I'm so sad that my baby is suffering, even if silently.  I'm so sad that what I'm giving him isn't best for him right now, as it's causing him issues.  I just want him to be ok.  And man, I really hope he doesn't have gut issues forever. :(

So, a quick consult with the pediatrician,  and we've decided that I should cut out soy, and then eggs.  Frankly, at this point, I'm just doing my best to take out both, because I don't particularly want to wait to see soy not make a difference and then wait again to see if eggs do. 

So, my diet is now dairy, soy and egg free.  Can I tell you, this is not easy living in Southeast Asia.   Soybean oil is the favorite, cheap oil to cook EVERYTHING, and of course, soy sauce is in a LOT of stuff.  Dairy is pretty easy to avoid as long as I don't want to eat any complete western meal.  Hold the cheese, hold the butter, hold the milk.  Yeah, I'm just gonna cook at home, thanks. 

So, my special little snowflake, my delicate little flower, baby #3 is demanding more.  He's not letting me get away with feeding him food just off my plate.  He's making me think about what I'm feeding him before I'm actually even feeding him. 

Tonight I whipped up a couple baguettes just so I could have some bread and know it's safe. 

Watch this space for updates.