When you're no longer normal

I don't want to apologize for where I'm at- but, I do hate that I'm still here.  That is, I'm not *still* HERE.  I am in a wholly new place, a long off different place than I was years ago- BUT, I still struggle with food, my body, my worth and all the ways in which these things tie together.  I'm 38 years old, and I still struggle.  I don't think I ever would have guessed as a younger person that these things would still be issues for me at this age.  But they are.

Here's the thing.  These issues are deep.  Sometimes they feel like just really big personal failures.  Other times they feel like issues stemming directly from so many ways in which the world failed me.  Some days I feel responsible, other days I want to shirk it all.  And on the good days, I know that I am the only one who can choose to make any difference now, so what's my next step?

The next step is the thing I've been thinking about a lot lately.  And I had a great conversation with a friend about it recently.  Friend and I have been ships passing in the night for a few weeks, so when we finally got together, we had lots to say and not that much time to say it all in.  She shared about all the cool stuff happening in her life, and then,  I shared what's been going on for me.  Most notably, I am still trying to adjust to being back at work with such a young baby at home.  I am trying to adjust to being the mother of 4 children.  I am trying to adjust to doing all of this without my mom.  I am not feeling successful a lot of the time.  In fact, it often feels like a losing battle.  And when I start feeling this way, there is this automated app inside of me that tries to helpfully distract me from the real issues by making it all about my body size/shape/weight.  Of course, it's not really helpful, but, my brain hasn't gotten that far yet, so this keeps happening. The good thing is that I at least recognize that app.  I just can't quite disable it yet.  Would love to uninstall and clear up some space.  (Ok, going too far with this app metaphor...)

So I was talking to Friend.  I said how, I'm struggling with all this adjusting I'm doing, and it's making me worry about losing weight or wanting to lose weight.  And then the hard thing is that, while losing weight won't change my worth, it could improve other things, and would not be a bad thing.  There is excess weight to be lost. And especially now that I am done bearing children, there is forward motion to be had.  This body is coming back to me- for the last nearly 10 years it has been at the mercy of others- but soon it will be mine again, for me, mine alone to use as I would like.

Recap, there is weight to be lost.  But I don't NEED to lose weight.  Losing weight won't make me a better teacher, mother, wife or friend.  Losing weight won't make me a better person, or help me adjust to all my new roles any better.  Losing weight will change the way I look- *maybe* the way I feel.  Losing weight will not bring happiness that is not already there.

So next steps.  What do I do?  How do I get there?  And this is where it gets tricky... when you're no longer normal.

You see, I have a lot of years of food misuse behind me.  Food abuse.  Eating for the wrong reasons.  Or, eating to extremes.  Or using food as a tactic or tool.

There is this indulgent side to me.  When life gets hard, this little indulgent voice says, "hey, you deserve that."  A LOT of times, starting from when I was very young "that" was food.  I learned to eat so I could get a temporary high from the feel-good of nice food, the comfort of a full belly, the distraction from whatever else was going on.  Distressing feelings set aside, it's time to eat! Sometimes, depending on how big the feelings were, it took a lot of food.  And the more I did this over the years, the harder it became to notice when I was actually hungry, or actually full, because, when you're always eating for the wrong reasons, you lose touch with these natural instincts. Damn.

I'm no longer normal when it comes to eating.  Sometimes I can eat what feels like a normal amount, or for a normal reason- because I'm hungry.  But I often question- is this really a normal amount?  Should I be hungry again?  Am I really hungry?  Am I eating more than I need?

Back to that conversation with Friend.  You know what was so nice about it?  She was able to relate.  Not with food though.  So she actually couldn't offer any advice.  But she KNEW NOT TO OFFER ANY ADVICE, because of her own situation.  You see, she struggles with alcohol.  She enjoys it, but, has trouble stopping.  What she has found is that it's hard for her to drink in moderation.  It's all or nothing.  I might have a glass of wine while making dinner, and maybe one more with dinner- but she'll finish the bottle.  I might have a happy hour drink with friends- she ends up out until 2am when happy hour turns into a night out.  She ends up emotional and distressed, arguing with people she loves because alcohol has control of her.

I can't really relate to all that, because, I know if I drink more than a certain amount, I won't be able to take care of my kids, I'll feel sick, I'll be tired, etc... so I don't do it.  I only really enjoy the first 2 glasses of anything anyway- maybe 3.  4 and we're in trouble.  So mostly, I don't do it.  I just stop.  But she can't do that.

She can't do that, in the same way, that I can't just eat a bit less, or just cut out certain foods, or, just eat a little bit of something.  And she doesn't really get why I can't just not put more food in my face, just like I don't really get why she can't just not drink another drink.  AND YET, we both get it perfectly, because, although the substance is different, for both of us, it's something we're no longer normal with.  We can't deal with the issue the way a normal eater or casual alcohol user would.  Because that is no longer us.

All that to say- I'm not sure what my next step is.  I don't know where I should try to go, which direction would be the best use of my time and energy at the moment. But what I do know is that this is a journey... and the road I'm on might be a bit longer and a bit windier than someone else's road.  I do believe that the road leads somewhere better.  That I can hope for a brighter future, where there is less struggle.  But, how long it takes me to get there, and just how much work I will have to put in to get there... who can say, but it'll probably be a bit more than normal.           

Meet Johans Martins

This is almost my favorite baby noise ever. Almost.  My actual favorite is the one he makes after sneezing, but so far I haven't been able to capture it on video.  I will try.   Because I don't want to lose these memories.  I mean, I'll never forget, but, I know in time, it will be harder to hear the sound in my head, and soon he will grow out of making it.  Johans Martins, 2 months and 8 days old. 

This is us... forever

My mom was just here for a month.  On Saturday night I took her to the airport, and just before she was headed into security she said to me, "Your family is entering a new phase now.  This is it.  You are you- for the next 80 years!"

What she is referring to is the fact that now that Johans has been born and completed our family, this is it.  This is us.  This is us not just today, but, for a long time to come!  

Mom is right.  This is big.  

First of all, it's big for me, as the person responsible for growing all new members of our family. Every time I had a baby, of course, I was interested in trying to get back in shape, but, there was always this voice in my head which said, "Hey, what's the point, you're just gonna get pregnant again!"  But, not anymore! This time, this is it!  I have about 18 months until I turn 40.  There is time... but it's time to DO SOMETHING for sure! 

And of course, when I say DO SOMETHING, I mean things like, honor the journey my body has been on. Feed it delicious, nutritious food.  Move it in all the ways that make me happy- right now it's Pilates, and hopefully, relatively soon it will be weights and cardio again because while I enjoy Pilates, weights make me giddy.  I want to lift some heavy shit!  This body is a machine- and right now the machine has been through 9 years of tough work.  It needs some love and attention for sure.  

Our children are now all here.  They have each other.  Beni will never have a biological sister- though I can only wish for her to grow to find sisterhood among her peers like I have with mine.  She is the big sister to three brothers.  She and Zintis, though they would never admit it, are still best friends, and I hope that continues forever.  The little boys will have each other.  And ultimately they will all have each other.  Beni will be in university before Johans enters high school, so who knows what their relationship will be like over the long run.  Perhaps it will make them closer, perhaps the opposite.  

As a mother, I can only sit and wonder about who they will become.  Who will have children first?  Who will have children at all? The paths they will take are certainly not predestined.  If I had to take a stab at it now- I would say Beni will take a predictably responsible path.  She may end up doing something with animals, like becoming a vet.  She already says she wants kids, so I hope she finds someone with whom to make that happen, as raising kids in a partnership is definitely easier. Zintis will, I think, do something wild.  He may take a more alternative path.  He loves numbers and math, and has a unique way of thinking when it comes to them- but he won't become an accountant.  If he uses his love of maths in the future it will be in an artistic way, or some wild crazy way that makes him a billionaire.  That would be cool.  Vilnis, if anyone will, will grow to be like his father.  Either his wildness will take him into actual sports, or, he'll follow directly in dad's footsteps and become a PE teacher.  But he'll have to get all that energy out somehow.  Or maybe he'll follow in his godfather's footsteps and be an outdoorsman.  I could see that.  He'll be giving us all heart attacks climbing cliff faces without any kind of safety measures or something.  And Johans, well, it's really too early to tell just yet.  But whatever he does, my guess is that it will be a serious job to which he brings joy.  Because so far, he is my most serious baby yet, but then, given a reason to smile (like a diaper change) he is just all smiles and giggles.  He'll make people smile, that is for sure. 

Anyway, that's all a mother's crazy predictions, and I wouldn't put money on any of them.  These kids will grow up to be ordinary humans, each extraordinary in their own way.  

This year, Joel and I will celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.  10 years!  It hardly seems possible it was that long ago until we look at our soon to be 9-year-old daughter. :)  In any case, now that we're done baby-making, we still have to get through baby-raising of course- no small feat- but, certainly, it will mark a new phase in our relationship as well.  Within two years, I will no longer have a baby at home, within 3-4 years I will no longer have a nursling.  It won't be too long until we're no longer tied down to small children that need us ALL THE TIME.  We'll still have 4 kids, and I know they will always need us, and I know the demands will change over time- Beni is already giving us a preview of the shitshow the teen years might be- but, it will be different than a tiny baby who literally needs your body to survive.  Who knows what will open up for us, and what we will have to sort through as a couple.  But, I am pretty clear there will be some stuff to sort through.  Focusing on babies for 9 years takes a toll on a relationship.  It changes people.  And Joel and I will have to find our new connection.  The focus shifts for us- from growing to establishing.  Like, before, our family was being added to all the time.  Now, we're all here and it's about establishing who we are as a family.  

I wanted another girl.  We have 1 girl and 3 boys.  Of course, we do.  That was meant to be the way it is.  Johans was meant for our family.  His sweet little smile is the perfect launching point into the future.  Because this is us.            

Does anyone even write blogs anymore?

I mean, really.

The thing is, I need to. 

I need to write.

I need to put words together and get them out of my head. 

Sometimes they make sense, sometimes they are measured and sure and thought out.  Other times they are a rant- fast and violent and aggressive and possibly something I'll regret later.  Sometimes its just loving on my kids or my husband.

Well. 

Whatever it is.  I need to get these words out. I need to use my time and my energy to do writing.  And since I'm not writing anything else, I'll write a blog. 

I'm back. 

Watch this space.