Oh, my dear sweet boy! You are one! You are actually now a few weeks past one, but, here I am only writing this now. Because this is what life is like now. I hardly ever get around to doing anything I want to do when I want to do it. There is always something else to do. But this is important, so, before you're two, here is who you are at one.
You are amazing. I am absolutely taken with you. I watch you, and I say to your dad, "He is so fucking perfect." Yes, I use those words. Sometimes I say cute, sometimes adorable, sometimes awesome. But the point is, I just can't get enough of you, even though I see you every day. I tell him we need to have 10 more kids just because you are so cute (ok, we factor your sister in there too, but, this is about you!).
You say Mamma. You yell it. You do it when you wake up at night if I'm not there. You do it when you're hungry. You do it when you're in the backseat and you can't see me. You yell Mamma all the time. I love it. You also say Tetis, although it sounds a bit more like Tdetde. But it's clear what you mean. We're all waiting anxiously to hear what you will call Beni. This is the time when nicknames are born.
You walk. You practically run. You started walking *just* before you were 11 mos old, and then you quit totally for a week, and then you got back to it, and never went back to crawling. It was weird really. But, once you had the walking thing down, you were D.O.N.E with crawling. In fact, you try to walk everywhere now, including up and down stairs, and it doesn't always work out so well for you. Luckily, no major injuries have been sustained, but we're here to catch you, most of the time. You know think you're hilarious when you walk backwards, when you run away from someone at any time. You laugh at yourself. I haven't seen anyone manage to not laugh with you.
You are so very aware and alert. You watch and you listen and you copy. I still can't get over how much you understand. When I ask you if you want to take a bath, you walk to the bathroom (or to the gate at the stairs, and ask to be let through). When I say it's time to go, you start waving goodbye to people and find your shoes. When I say it's time to eat, you go straight into the kitchen. When I ask for a kiss, you come at me with a gaping mouth, ready to slobber all over me, and then smack your lips once you pull away.
You love, love, love the bath. You scream bloody murder every night when we take you out. Every night. It gets a little old, but, yay for another water baby. Your dad is going to start taking you to the pool soon, and teaching you to swim, and I hope you'll love that too.
You love to clean! It's hilarious! You walk around with the broom any chance you get. At home (in Laos) we have little brooms and dust pans that go together that you carry around ALL. THE. TIME. Of course, you are still at the point of making a bigger mess most of the time when you try to help, but, hey, you're so freaking cute, so we forgive you!
You love to dance. I fell in love with the band The Lumineers when you were about 6 months old, and then they were all I listened to for a long time. When you hear the first bars of "Flowers in your hair", the first song on their album, you just start bouncing. It's hilarious. I love to watch you try to get the hang of dancing. Right now, you more so bop up and down, or you walk around. Most wouldn't call it dancing. But it's developing, and I can't wait to see where it goes.
When you want something you grunt and groan. You kind of sound like a monkey. You do a "oooo oooo ooooo" when you really want something. You love to brush your teeth. You HATE diaper changes right now. You don't particularly like getting dressed, except you love putting on socks and shoes. This is new to you, because in Laos you basically haven't worn shoes as you never needed them. We're in Australia during the school holidays, and it's winter, so socks and shoes are a must. You carry your shoes around and try to put them on yourself. You are completely incapable of doing it, but you try. And it is adorable.
You're starting to play with cars. You're even making car noises. You love balls. You push around this little wooden "lawnmower." You love to play with any toy you can push- your walker, your sister's doll stroller. Heck, you love to push chairs around if you can! You color and draw too. It surprises me. But you hold writing instruments like you've always known what to do. You love animals. Well, you love watching them. We've taken you to a zoo and to a farm, and you just sit and watch those animals for hours. You have a much longer attention span for them than your sister, which is impressive.
You have a weird obsession with bottles. Shampoo bottles. Lotion bottles. Toothpaste tubes. Diaper cream tubes. It's the caps you like. You like to pull them open with your teeth. Sometimes you try to suck stuff out. It's gross. But you scream at us when we take them away from you. Geez.
You are a cuddly, happy boy. You've recently discovered the world beyond me. You love your dad, and will go to him, cuddle him, and kiss him, too. But you're still my cuddly boy. You lay your giant head on my shoulder and I hold you close and will you to stay small like this forever. You smile and you laugh and you're just so, so, so perfect.
Life has changed in your first year. Hell, it's been tough. It hasn't been an easy year for our family. You were an impossibly large bright spot- but we struggled through financial woes, me going back to work, dealing with your sister who went from terrible twos to terrifying threes. It's been rough. But you have brought light and laughter and smiles to life day after day after day. Now that I am back at work, I miss you terribly in the days. I let you nurse all night, because I need you close as much as you need me. That said, I love that you sleep better than your sister ever did. But I'm not hurrying you to your own bed any time soon. I'm sad I'm not around to be with you during all the days anymore. But, the plan is to push through a couple years so that we can eventually have an even better life in just a few years. Trying to keep my eyes on the prize, and just enjoy you as much as I can in the meantime.
I adore you as a toddler. I loved you as a baby. I mean, I was head over heels with you as a baby. But you're like a drug now. I want more. I love watching you grow and learn and do new things. I'm looking forward to hearing you start talking. I know that might be a way off... but, you already have those two words and you use some sign language (nurse, more, drink, eat).
You're getting so big. You're wearing 18-24 months size clothing, your head is humongous. You eat so well- Baby Led Weaning for the win! You feed yourself, and you eat all kinds of stuff. Actually, you've just recently had your first eating "lull" when you went through a phase of not eating much at all, and it was super weird. The good news is that you are still nursing plenty, which gets me through the eating lulls, but also means that you still smell like baby. You still have milk breath. I'm holding on to that.
We have so much fun ahead of us, but, I love you so much the way you are. You're the best. In all those years I was scared to have a son, I obviously had NO FREAKING CLUE what a gift you would be.
I love you, baby boy.
Happy birthday.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Ready to quit!
There are little things that have started to push me over the edge with living abroad. I already mentioned long ago (maybe the autumn of 2011?) that I was missing being home because I didn't like that my kid was missing out on some traditions and celebrations that just don't translate to other places.
Having had my mom visit recently made me REALLY realize just how much I like having family around. And yes, by that I do mean my family of origin. I do adore the family I married into, but, I don't think many would argue the fact that you can't replace your family of origin. When my mom visited, even though I was going through one of the most stressful transitions I've ever done (going back to work and leaving my kids at home), except for one very bad evening, I maintained a fairly level head that whole time, despite everything else that was going on. I attribute the ease of the transition 100% to her being here.
There is this thing too, when you live abroad, and you don't have a lot of close people around, where your spouse becomes your everything even more than usual. A close relationship with your spouse is a good thing, no doubt. But expecting your spouse to be....I was going to make a list, but, the list of people that your family, friends, and various support groups are in your life is just too long to write out. It puts needless stress on a relationship. It can make it harder to get through tough times. And it does make you closer too, but... yeah, it can be tough.
But, there are these other things that are doing me in right now, beyond missing family and location specific traditions/holidays. And it's little things. Like, so little, you're going to shake your head at me... but these are the little stressors that build up over time until you're like, "Holy crap, make it stop!"
While my mom was here the tub that we use in the kitchen sink (because we don't have drain stoppers in the kitchen, and we have never been able to find any that fit, so, we had to finally buy and use a tub) got broken somehow. It cracked in one corner. I don't know how it happened, but I can tell you this- we hadn't had it that long. And you're thinking, "What's the big deal? Go get another tub." Well, fine, I will... but I have to go to THAILAND to get another tub! Yes. I have to go across the border into another country to get a tub that is the right size and shape for my sink. And, last time we were in Thailand this happened and then that happened, and I went into this store, and Joel went to that store, and the kids were sleeping, and next thing you know, we're back in Lao and we don't have a tub. So we're washing dishes with running water again. Until next time.
While we were on vacation last week, we were in Thailand, in Bangkok and with some friends down in Rayong. It was a lovely 10 days away. And every night, the kids would have a bath or shower. Then we'd put their pjs on, and brush their teeth, and we'd brush Beni's hair. But not before spraying it with detangler. She has very fine, easily tangled hair- so even just washing it makes it a rat's nest. So detangler is a must. Well, guess what? On our first night back, there was no detangler. It got left somewhere. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Now, we're back to using this cheapo brand we got in Australia which should be fine right? I mean, what kid needs $13 a bottle hair detangler? Well, actually, this cheap stuff, if you use more than 1 spray (you need like 5 for it to work), leaves Beni's hair gunky and nasty. Like, might as well just not even wash it. While the $13 a bottle one from the States works fine, even with a good 5 sprays...but as you just read... it comes from the STATES! You can't buy it here. And now you want to say to me... but come on... it can't be that bad. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO BRUSH A LITTLE GIRL'S HAIR WITHOUT USING DETANGLER???? HAVE YOU EVER EVEN SPENT 5 MINUTES WITH MY TODDLER??? Holy mother of God... someone send me some more detangler!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's a freaking global crisis!!! SOMEONE GET US SOME DETANGLER!!!! (California Baby brand, please!) You know the real pisser? That bottle was new. My mom only just brought it with her when she came, so we didn't own it for even a month before it got lost, which also means it was basically full. Which makes me feel even worse of course!
Because also, you think to yourself... "but come on, you're traveling to a foreign country with two children, staying in two different spots, going from place to place literally by plane, train and automobile (and tuk-tuk), you're bound to lose something along the way." Yes, it's true... traveling with kids like that means something inevitably gets left somewhere... but, it wasn't the lotion, which I have 3 more stockpiled bottles of at home. It wasn't the soap/shampoo which I can buy here. It wasn't anything but one of the few things that you can't get here, is expensive, and probably illegal to ship because it's a freaking liquid! Do you see what I'm saying here???
Now, my point, if you haven't understood it yet, is that I'm losing my mind, and it's these little things that are doing me in. Obviously, I am WAY TOO UPSET over a tub and some detangler. But these little things make a huge difference in my life. They mean being able to wash the dishes with warm water (since only cold comes from the tap, and we have to boil it to have warm). It means being able to SOAK dishes. It means having only a level 11 (out of 10) tantrum after every bath every night instead of a level 20.
I have been told sometimes that life "back home" is boring- suburbs, shopping malls, tv and McDonald's- boring. But the longer I stay abroad, the more I think the only reason living in some of the places I've lived ISN'T boring is because life is so freaking hard you don't have time to be bored! Because you have to spend your time doing things like driving across the border to get a tub. Or running around to 3 different grocery stores and a couple markets to find all the ingredients you need for a certain dish.
You know what? I'm ready for easy. I'm ready for being able to get through things like shopping and laundry and dishes easily. I'm certainly ready to be near my family again. Bring on the boring... because boring also includes theater, movies (at the cinema), grocery stores and farmers markets and health food stores coming out my ears, concerts (and I don't just mean the 1 concert a year that everyone goes to because it's the only one to go to- I mean, choose your band, see where they are playing and go!), libraries, parks...eh... another list that is too long to write in its entirety.
So, yeah... this is what's going on inside my head... just in time for us to decide that we probably won't be leaving Lao until 2015 for sure. So... two more years of "not boring". *Sigh* Thankfully there is lots I like about living abroad too... but that's not what this was about....
Having had my mom visit recently made me REALLY realize just how much I like having family around. And yes, by that I do mean my family of origin. I do adore the family I married into, but, I don't think many would argue the fact that you can't replace your family of origin. When my mom visited, even though I was going through one of the most stressful transitions I've ever done (going back to work and leaving my kids at home), except for one very bad evening, I maintained a fairly level head that whole time, despite everything else that was going on. I attribute the ease of the transition 100% to her being here.
There is this thing too, when you live abroad, and you don't have a lot of close people around, where your spouse becomes your everything even more than usual. A close relationship with your spouse is a good thing, no doubt. But expecting your spouse to be....I was going to make a list, but, the list of people that your family, friends, and various support groups are in your life is just too long to write out. It puts needless stress on a relationship. It can make it harder to get through tough times. And it does make you closer too, but... yeah, it can be tough.
But, there are these other things that are doing me in right now, beyond missing family and location specific traditions/holidays. And it's little things. Like, so little, you're going to shake your head at me... but these are the little stressors that build up over time until you're like, "Holy crap, make it stop!"
While my mom was here the tub that we use in the kitchen sink (because we don't have drain stoppers in the kitchen, and we have never been able to find any that fit, so, we had to finally buy and use a tub) got broken somehow. It cracked in one corner. I don't know how it happened, but I can tell you this- we hadn't had it that long. And you're thinking, "What's the big deal? Go get another tub." Well, fine, I will... but I have to go to THAILAND to get another tub! Yes. I have to go across the border into another country to get a tub that is the right size and shape for my sink. And, last time we were in Thailand this happened and then that happened, and I went into this store, and Joel went to that store, and the kids were sleeping, and next thing you know, we're back in Lao and we don't have a tub. So we're washing dishes with running water again. Until next time.
While we were on vacation last week, we were in Thailand, in Bangkok and with some friends down in Rayong. It was a lovely 10 days away. And every night, the kids would have a bath or shower. Then we'd put their pjs on, and brush their teeth, and we'd brush Beni's hair. But not before spraying it with detangler. She has very fine, easily tangled hair- so even just washing it makes it a rat's nest. So detangler is a must. Well, guess what? On our first night back, there was no detangler. It got left somewhere. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Now, we're back to using this cheapo brand we got in Australia which should be fine right? I mean, what kid needs $13 a bottle hair detangler? Well, actually, this cheap stuff, if you use more than 1 spray (you need like 5 for it to work), leaves Beni's hair gunky and nasty. Like, might as well just not even wash it. While the $13 a bottle one from the States works fine, even with a good 5 sprays...but as you just read... it comes from the STATES! You can't buy it here. And now you want to say to me... but come on... it can't be that bad. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO BRUSH A LITTLE GIRL'S HAIR WITHOUT USING DETANGLER???? HAVE YOU EVER EVEN SPENT 5 MINUTES WITH MY TODDLER??? Holy mother of God... someone send me some more detangler!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's a freaking global crisis!!! SOMEONE GET US SOME DETANGLER!!!! (California Baby brand, please!) You know the real pisser? That bottle was new. My mom only just brought it with her when she came, so we didn't own it for even a month before it got lost, which also means it was basically full. Which makes me feel even worse of course!
Because also, you think to yourself... "but come on, you're traveling to a foreign country with two children, staying in two different spots, going from place to place literally by plane, train and automobile (and tuk-tuk), you're bound to lose something along the way." Yes, it's true... traveling with kids like that means something inevitably gets left somewhere... but, it wasn't the lotion, which I have 3 more stockpiled bottles of at home. It wasn't the soap/shampoo which I can buy here. It wasn't anything but one of the few things that you can't get here, is expensive, and probably illegal to ship because it's a freaking liquid! Do you see what I'm saying here???
Now, my point, if you haven't understood it yet, is that I'm losing my mind, and it's these little things that are doing me in. Obviously, I am WAY TOO UPSET over a tub and some detangler. But these little things make a huge difference in my life. They mean being able to wash the dishes with warm water (since only cold comes from the tap, and we have to boil it to have warm). It means being able to SOAK dishes. It means having only a level 11 (out of 10) tantrum after every bath every night instead of a level 20.
I have been told sometimes that life "back home" is boring- suburbs, shopping malls, tv and McDonald's- boring. But the longer I stay abroad, the more I think the only reason living in some of the places I've lived ISN'T boring is because life is so freaking hard you don't have time to be bored! Because you have to spend your time doing things like driving across the border to get a tub. Or running around to 3 different grocery stores and a couple markets to find all the ingredients you need for a certain dish.
You know what? I'm ready for easy. I'm ready for being able to get through things like shopping and laundry and dishes easily. I'm certainly ready to be near my family again. Bring on the boring... because boring also includes theater, movies (at the cinema), grocery stores and farmers markets and health food stores coming out my ears, concerts (and I don't just mean the 1 concert a year that everyone goes to because it's the only one to go to- I mean, choose your band, see where they are playing and go!), libraries, parks...eh... another list that is too long to write in its entirety.
So, yeah... this is what's going on inside my head... just in time for us to decide that we probably won't be leaving Lao until 2015 for sure. So... two more years of "not boring". *Sigh* Thankfully there is lots I like about living abroad too... but that's not what this was about....
Thursday, April 25, 2013
To Miss Beni, on her 3rd birthday
Sweet child of mine... Oooooooooooooh, sweet child of mine. Hey, wait, that's a song.
This whole parenting thing, specifically parenting a toddler, is turning out to be, I don't know... crazy? It is crazy. You drive me absolutely, out of my mind crazy. You have so often become the most unbearable person ever. You cry this loud, extra obnoxious, totally fake cry any time you don't like anything. Even when you cry for a real reason, it is over the top drama- you cry for way too long and in such a way that just makes other people NOT sympathetic to your cause, because the sound grates on the ears like nails on a chalkboard. You're not aware of this yet though- that you're having the exact opposite effect you're hoping to have.
You're also unbearable because you're mean. You swat at people- you swat at me. And you kick. You splash water directly into someone's face. You push your brother over, and take every single toy away from him, and close doors in his face. All he does is follow you around with a smile and adoring eyes.
You're also unbearable because you act so incredibly needy in ways that you are NOT needy, that it is enough to make a parent just want to screeeeeeeaaaaaammmmm! You obviously want all the attention that your brother gets. You don't understand the world of difference between you two, and all the things that you can do for yourself that he can't do for himself. You certainly don't see this as a good thing- you just see him getting lots of attention. So you do things like refuse to get dressed, refuse to help yourself to water, and so much more. Crazy-making, I tell you, crazy-making.
But here is the thing. I get to bitch about you because you're my kid. And you drive me bonkers. Seriously, I want to ship you away sometimes. But, I never would or could. AND, if I hear someone else get down on you- sometimes, even if it's your dad, who has just as much right to feel driven crazy by you as I do- I can't stand it, and I always find myself jumping to your defense. Because yeah, you suck so freaking often, but, I'm the only one allowed to say that. ;) Because deep down, for as much as you suck, I know no matter how much you suck, I would still do absolutely anything for you. Anything.
Because the rest of the story is this.... you are so amazing in so many ways. But here is what I'm struck by more often than not. You are so, so, so brave. You do things every single day that take more courage than your average adult musters once a year. I mean... you're three, and you don't know how to do anything, and you just keep trying every single day. We were on vacation last week in Bangkok, and you were doing things like figuring out how the elevator worked, how to ride an escalator without being eaten by it, how to navigate so many strangers being in your face all the time. You tried new foods and went swimming in a big new pool. You got yourself dressed plenty of times (because you CAN!), and by golly, the hardest part of all, you asked for help when you couldn't manage it on your own. You slept on a couch that wasn't your bed, you had your first dental check-up without having even a minor freak out. You insist on being able to do so many things on your own, even though you don't really know how to do them, and even though you end up having to ask for help. It's staggering. Adults spend so much time holding back and being afraid of new things, but you're just out there taking life by the horns, doing ALL THE THINGS. It's amazing.
You're three, and you are so very independent. You play by yourself, you dress yourself (although not always to my liking!), you toilet yourself. Heck, today, you even fixed yourself a bowl of cereal- the whole kit and caboodle, all on your own. Yes, there were a couple corn flakes on the table as well as a couple drops of milk- but you're 3, and it was ONLY a couple corn flakes and a couple drops of milk. And you sat yourself at the table and you ate. Technically, if your brother wasn't going to wake me up most days anyway, this means I could sleep in on Saturdays now, because you can get your own cereal! That's a huge milestone!
But even with all your independence, you are a very sensitive and loving little girl (when you want to be), and you need us, of course. Even though you've been sleeping in your own bed for a good 6 mos now, you still come to our bed most nights. We don't even wake up anymore, because, you just wake up, get up without crying, and climb in to our bed. It's easy. And, even though it goes against all the "rules", your dad and I love waking up to you there. Sometimes your dad gets a stiff neck or something, because you insist on cuddling up to him, and he insists on trying to not be a cuddler... but still, waking up with our whole family in one bed is something we know won't last for much longer. So we cherish it. And, it's a beautiful thing to see you ask for the love you need. That's another thing so many adults can't do. But you ask for hugs and you ask to be held, and that is a good thing.
Our nursing relationship recently ended. The truth is, I'd been ready for it to end for months now, but I had always promised myself that I would let you self-wean, and so I waited. For the last 6 or so months you'd only nursed at bedtime- and only for a few minutes at that. Your latch wasn't that great anymore, and your suck was so different than your brothers, it often irritated me. When we went on vacation, you just didn't nurse the first night. I did bedtime with you and Zintis at the same time- I nursed him, and you just laid down, and I sang a lullaby and you both went to sleep. And so for the next 10 days, that is what happened every night.
When we got home from our vacation you asked to nurse again, I think mostly because it was just habit for you, but we talked about it. We talked about how you hadn't nursed in 10 days, and how you'd slept just fine. I offered to cuddle and sing you a song, and you agreed. But as soon as I started singing, you started talking. You were talking about nursing. So we talked about it for a while- we talked about how when you were a baby you nursed so, so, so much, all the time. And then you got older and you didn't nurse as much, and now you're a big girl and you don't need it at all anymore! I asked you if you'd gotten enough milk for your belly after all that time and how much milk you'd had. You said yes. So I asked you if you'd gotten enough milk for your heart too, and you laughed and said yes. Because I know as well as you do, that nursing to the age of 3 is about more than milk. It's about you and me, and knowing that I will always be here for you. It's about trust, it's about love and it's about you being my first baby for ever and ever and ever. Weaning, mostly self-led with this little nudge from me to get you over that last bump, is about all those same things. It's about your growing up, and being ready for bigger and more things. But it is oh so much about you still knowing that I am here for you. Because you got your fill, you got what you needed, and now, we can move on together.
When I recorded the story of your weaning in your baby book, I cried. Because you are getting bigger by the day, and that tiny squish of baby that I brought home from the hospital is long gone. Because our relationship has changed so, so, so much over the last three years, and it will continue to change, and while it's all good, I mourn the ease of the relationship we once had.
More than just you is changing around here. I've gone back to work, and it's been hard. It's only 3 weeks into our new routine, and we're definitely all still adjusting, but so far, it is very, very hard. And I'm sad that I feel like I'm not doing a very good job of rising to the challenge. Being with 20 other kids all day is super draining, so I come home tired. I come home tired because neither you or your brother sleep through the night yet regularly, so I don't get as much sleep as I need either. So I'm tired, and I don't have much patience. And, just in case you're not aware, the hours of approximately 4-7 are the hours when you and your brother get possessed by the devil. You're tired and hungry, and you've had a long day of being brave, so, you just want what you want by then. So we meet at these hours, all of us tired and cranky and lacking patience, and more than anything, so far, we just butt heads, and yell and cry, all of us. It really isn't pretty. I'm trying to get better at being a better mom in those hours, I really am, because, otherwise I cry after you're in bed too. I don't want to let you down so much, and I don't want the bulk of our interactions Monday-Friday to be so negative. It's really not what I want for us. So I'm trying to rise above myself, to get to the other side, but I am failing right now. Thankfully, summer is around the corner, and we'll have weeks to chill together again. Weeks of spending days together, days full of smiles and laughter that make up for the 4-7pm hours of devilishness. I'm not waiting for summer to make things better, but I'm glad to know it's coming, to know that things WILL be better then for sure. But I am trying now too. I really am. Someday, I hope you don't look back wondering why I was so crappy, but if you do, I hope you find this sentence and know that I swear to you, I want to do better for you, but getting past my own humaness is big. And I am trying. The most important thing is that you know you are loved. I know I'm screwing up every day in so many ways, but if you know you are loved, it will all be ok in the end.
Like I said, kid, this parenting thing- especially parenting a toddler- it's wild. It's hard. And yet, it can be so much fun, that it makes you forget how crazy you are the rest of the time. Which is good- very, very good.
So here's to being three. Here's to being independent and brave and so dependent, and even more brave. Here's to growing up, to looking forward to new things (you know you're starting school in August, and you're pretty excited about it. It'll be another very big step!). But here's to you always being my baby, and being forever and ever and ever in my heart- because you are, and you will be, no matter how crazy you make me.
Bucas, Pile!
Mamma
This whole parenting thing, specifically parenting a toddler, is turning out to be, I don't know... crazy? It is crazy. You drive me absolutely, out of my mind crazy. You have so often become the most unbearable person ever. You cry this loud, extra obnoxious, totally fake cry any time you don't like anything. Even when you cry for a real reason, it is over the top drama- you cry for way too long and in such a way that just makes other people NOT sympathetic to your cause, because the sound grates on the ears like nails on a chalkboard. You're not aware of this yet though- that you're having the exact opposite effect you're hoping to have.
You're also unbearable because you're mean. You swat at people- you swat at me. And you kick. You splash water directly into someone's face. You push your brother over, and take every single toy away from him, and close doors in his face. All he does is follow you around with a smile and adoring eyes.
You're also unbearable because you act so incredibly needy in ways that you are NOT needy, that it is enough to make a parent just want to screeeeeeeaaaaaammmmm! You obviously want all the attention that your brother gets. You don't understand the world of difference between you two, and all the things that you can do for yourself that he can't do for himself. You certainly don't see this as a good thing- you just see him getting lots of attention. So you do things like refuse to get dressed, refuse to help yourself to water, and so much more. Crazy-making, I tell you, crazy-making.
But here is the thing. I get to bitch about you because you're my kid. And you drive me bonkers. Seriously, I want to ship you away sometimes. But, I never would or could. AND, if I hear someone else get down on you- sometimes, even if it's your dad, who has just as much right to feel driven crazy by you as I do- I can't stand it, and I always find myself jumping to your defense. Because yeah, you suck so freaking often, but, I'm the only one allowed to say that. ;) Because deep down, for as much as you suck, I know no matter how much you suck, I would still do absolutely anything for you. Anything.
Because the rest of the story is this.... you are so amazing in so many ways. But here is what I'm struck by more often than not. You are so, so, so brave. You do things every single day that take more courage than your average adult musters once a year. I mean... you're three, and you don't know how to do anything, and you just keep trying every single day. We were on vacation last week in Bangkok, and you were doing things like figuring out how the elevator worked, how to ride an escalator without being eaten by it, how to navigate so many strangers being in your face all the time. You tried new foods and went swimming in a big new pool. You got yourself dressed plenty of times (because you CAN!), and by golly, the hardest part of all, you asked for help when you couldn't manage it on your own. You slept on a couch that wasn't your bed, you had your first dental check-up without having even a minor freak out. You insist on being able to do so many things on your own, even though you don't really know how to do them, and even though you end up having to ask for help. It's staggering. Adults spend so much time holding back and being afraid of new things, but you're just out there taking life by the horns, doing ALL THE THINGS. It's amazing.
You're three, and you are so very independent. You play by yourself, you dress yourself (although not always to my liking!), you toilet yourself. Heck, today, you even fixed yourself a bowl of cereal- the whole kit and caboodle, all on your own. Yes, there were a couple corn flakes on the table as well as a couple drops of milk- but you're 3, and it was ONLY a couple corn flakes and a couple drops of milk. And you sat yourself at the table and you ate. Technically, if your brother wasn't going to wake me up most days anyway, this means I could sleep in on Saturdays now, because you can get your own cereal! That's a huge milestone!
But even with all your independence, you are a very sensitive and loving little girl (when you want to be), and you need us, of course. Even though you've been sleeping in your own bed for a good 6 mos now, you still come to our bed most nights. We don't even wake up anymore, because, you just wake up, get up without crying, and climb in to our bed. It's easy. And, even though it goes against all the "rules", your dad and I love waking up to you there. Sometimes your dad gets a stiff neck or something, because you insist on cuddling up to him, and he insists on trying to not be a cuddler... but still, waking up with our whole family in one bed is something we know won't last for much longer. So we cherish it. And, it's a beautiful thing to see you ask for the love you need. That's another thing so many adults can't do. But you ask for hugs and you ask to be held, and that is a good thing.
Our nursing relationship recently ended. The truth is, I'd been ready for it to end for months now, but I had always promised myself that I would let you self-wean, and so I waited. For the last 6 or so months you'd only nursed at bedtime- and only for a few minutes at that. Your latch wasn't that great anymore, and your suck was so different than your brothers, it often irritated me. When we went on vacation, you just didn't nurse the first night. I did bedtime with you and Zintis at the same time- I nursed him, and you just laid down, and I sang a lullaby and you both went to sleep. And so for the next 10 days, that is what happened every night.
When we got home from our vacation you asked to nurse again, I think mostly because it was just habit for you, but we talked about it. We talked about how you hadn't nursed in 10 days, and how you'd slept just fine. I offered to cuddle and sing you a song, and you agreed. But as soon as I started singing, you started talking. You were talking about nursing. So we talked about it for a while- we talked about how when you were a baby you nursed so, so, so much, all the time. And then you got older and you didn't nurse as much, and now you're a big girl and you don't need it at all anymore! I asked you if you'd gotten enough milk for your belly after all that time and how much milk you'd had. You said yes. So I asked you if you'd gotten enough milk for your heart too, and you laughed and said yes. Because I know as well as you do, that nursing to the age of 3 is about more than milk. It's about you and me, and knowing that I will always be here for you. It's about trust, it's about love and it's about you being my first baby for ever and ever and ever. Weaning, mostly self-led with this little nudge from me to get you over that last bump, is about all those same things. It's about your growing up, and being ready for bigger and more things. But it is oh so much about you still knowing that I am here for you. Because you got your fill, you got what you needed, and now, we can move on together.
When I recorded the story of your weaning in your baby book, I cried. Because you are getting bigger by the day, and that tiny squish of baby that I brought home from the hospital is long gone. Because our relationship has changed so, so, so much over the last three years, and it will continue to change, and while it's all good, I mourn the ease of the relationship we once had.
More than just you is changing around here. I've gone back to work, and it's been hard. It's only 3 weeks into our new routine, and we're definitely all still adjusting, but so far, it is very, very hard. And I'm sad that I feel like I'm not doing a very good job of rising to the challenge. Being with 20 other kids all day is super draining, so I come home tired. I come home tired because neither you or your brother sleep through the night yet regularly, so I don't get as much sleep as I need either. So I'm tired, and I don't have much patience. And, just in case you're not aware, the hours of approximately 4-7 are the hours when you and your brother get possessed by the devil. You're tired and hungry, and you've had a long day of being brave, so, you just want what you want by then. So we meet at these hours, all of us tired and cranky and lacking patience, and more than anything, so far, we just butt heads, and yell and cry, all of us. It really isn't pretty. I'm trying to get better at being a better mom in those hours, I really am, because, otherwise I cry after you're in bed too. I don't want to let you down so much, and I don't want the bulk of our interactions Monday-Friday to be so negative. It's really not what I want for us. So I'm trying to rise above myself, to get to the other side, but I am failing right now. Thankfully, summer is around the corner, and we'll have weeks to chill together again. Weeks of spending days together, days full of smiles and laughter that make up for the 4-7pm hours of devilishness. I'm not waiting for summer to make things better, but I'm glad to know it's coming, to know that things WILL be better then for sure. But I am trying now too. I really am. Someday, I hope you don't look back wondering why I was so crappy, but if you do, I hope you find this sentence and know that I swear to you, I want to do better for you, but getting past my own humaness is big. And I am trying. The most important thing is that you know you are loved. I know I'm screwing up every day in so many ways, but if you know you are loved, it will all be ok in the end.
Like I said, kid, this parenting thing- especially parenting a toddler- it's wild. It's hard. And yet, it can be so much fun, that it makes you forget how crazy you are the rest of the time. Which is good- very, very good.
So here's to being three. Here's to being independent and brave and so dependent, and even more brave. Here's to growing up, to looking forward to new things (you know you're starting school in August, and you're pretty excited about it. It'll be another very big step!). But here's to you always being my baby, and being forever and ever and ever in my heart- because you are, and you will be, no matter how crazy you make me.
Bucas, Pile!
Mamma
Sunday, March 31, 2013
It isn't every day...
It isn't every day someone comes to visit when you live abroad. It isn't every day someone finally GETS little detail things about your life when you live abroad. Because in so many ways, the way we live is so very much exactly as we would if we were anywhere else in the world, but there are so many tiny little things that make it so our daily lives here are SO different than they would be back home.
Mom is here, and it is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful to have her here. Too good to even get into. So just posting pictures.
Mom is here, and it is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful to have her here. Too good to even get into. So just posting pictures.
Breakfast at the Spirit House
Then a visit to the Buddha park...
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