Confessions of a mother

This summer, I did something that still rocks me to my core, if I think about it too long.  Not because it was great.  Not because it was fun.  Not because it was awesome.   But because it was completely awful and could have ended with the worst possible ending that ever could happen ever in the history of ever. 

It was our last day in the US.  Joel had been packing all day, the last 2 days actually.   He was trying to fit in all the things I insisted we needed to cart back across the world.  I was trying to help him, while also taking care of the kids, and handle other last minute things.  One of the things that needed handling was the return of the rental car I had used all summer.  We had already picked up the minivan that my mom would drive us to the airport in.  The only problem was, mom wasn't with us when we went to pick up the minivan.  She needed to be on the rental contract because she was the one that would be driving and returning the car.  But, they require photo id of all drivers that want to be put on the rental contract.  So, we had to go back, with her and her id, to get her put on it. 

It was late in the day.  Dinner time was nearing, and we still needed to drive all the way across town to the airport to put mom's name on the rental.  Mom and I decided to do two birds with one stone - we would run that errand, and then pick up dinner on our way home.

At this point, Joel had already packed all the suitcases into the minivan.  The vehicle was FULL.  Seats were moved into the only position they could be in.  Every inch of space in the rear cargo space, between seats, where there was meant to be foot space - it was ALL full of suitcases.  3 car seats were installed in the only optional configuration.  Joel would have half an actual seat to sit on for the ride to Chicago.  The car was full and Joel was stressed out and exhausted, so, as I normally would anyway, we grabbed the baby, strapped him in, and off we went. 

Mom and I were having a hilarious conversation on the way to the rental agency - trying to figure out where to order dinner from, then trying to figure out where the restaurant was located, and then trying to figure out what to order.  We ran into the normal struggles of the tech/Internet savvy person being at the wheel, and mom being ridiculous about all of it in the passenger seat.  It was silly.  Vilnis slumbered peacefully in his car seat the whole way. 

When we arrived at the rental agency, I finally snatched the phone from my mom, called the restaurant, and ordered dinner.  Then we hopped out of the car and headed inside to handle the paperwork.  The errand went as easily and quickly as expected and mom and I were getting back in the car no more than 5 minutes later. 

I turned around to back the minivan out of the parking spot, and my heart dropped into my stomach.  

"MOM!"

She jumped. "Did you hit something?"

"MOOOOOOM!!!!!  WE LEFT THE BABY IN THE CAR!"

He was just sitting there.  Still sleeping.  All strapped in and safe and completely oblivious. 

I backed out and exited the parking lot.  I'm pretty sure I was in shock and probably shouldn't have continued to drive at that moment, but I did.  As we drove to the restaurant, mom and I chattered nervously about what we had just done.  We went over how wrapped up we'd been in ordering dinner.  How we were in an unfamiliar car.  He was sleeping.  Everything was different.  We were both emotionally exhausted at the thought of myself and my family leaving the States again the next day.  We were not ourselves. 

When we reached the restaurant, I went in to see if our order was ready, but it wasn't.   I came back out to the car, and now,  I finally opened the back door.  I looked down at my sweet, sleeping 7 month old, at his innocent, unaware face. 

I leaned in and covered him in kisses.  I apologized profusely for being the worst.  

Good mothers don't forget their babies. Good mothers don't leave their babies in cars.  Forgotten babies die.  Babies in cars die.  Mothers go to jail for this.  People call the cops when they see a forgotten baby.  Only the worst, most irresponsible, horrible, uncaring, unfit mothers do this kind of thing.  Criminals!

I immediately ratted myself out in my private mommy group online.  Of course, it made no difference, but it was the only punishment I could think of and execute at the time.  Surely, I needed to be punished for this!

In the end, of course, we simply got our food and returned home.  We got the baby out of the car at home, and went about our night.  And the next day, I drove us to the airport, mom drove the minivan back to Kalamazoo, and that was the end of that.  I came back to Laos with all three of my children; healthy, happy and whole. 

I had another nightmare just last week about leaving him in the car.  It haunts me.  I could have been one of those stories.  I could have been one of those mothers.  It all happened so easily, and so quickly.  It happened without me noticing. 

I've heard about so many stories of children dying in hot cars, forgotten by their parents.  I couldn't ever imagine how a parent could let that happen.  Until, of course, I came this close.  Until, it all but happened to me.  I didn't think it ever could, and now I know that it can, because it did.  Vilnis and I are obviously surrounded by angels - the car was cool, it was a not too hot late afternoon, there was no line at the service desk,  and the paperwork literally took 30 seconds to complete.   The little guy slept through his near death experience without a care in the world.  He had no idea. 

I'm not sure what the appropriate end is to this post.  A reminder to stay present.  Pay attention to where you are, and what you're doing.

It's got nothing to do with loving your kids, or thinking of them.  I've spent the last 7 years of my life thinking of not much more than my kids.  I was one of those moms that other moms criticized for spending too much time with their kids, for being too attached, too connected.  I skipped date nights and nurseries and cribs and babysitters, because *I* wanted to do it all and be with them always.  And then I forgot my baby in the car anyway.  

We are all only human.  We all make mistakes.   And I can only only thank my lucky stars that our story had a happy ending. 

Where is that place?

A dear friend of mine is moving away from Laos in June, when her initial 2 year contract ends.  I don't blame her.  She hasn't been happy here; Laos just hasn't been a good fit for her.  I will miss her, and our weekly Taco Thursday dates, but I do not begrudge her leaving. 
She posted on social media today (after seeing yet another dead body in the road) about coming to the realization that she just doesn't like it here, and that that is ok.  It's the second part of that statement which is a big deal.  Every where you go, you're bound to find lots of people that are happy to be where they are.  Because, hopefully, most people don't stay in a place they hate forever.  Or maybe they do and I'm looking at this from a super privileged perspective.  That could very well be true. 
In any case, my friend brought up that she felt guilty for a long time about not liking it here.  Of course, there are people who have chosen this place as a forever home, there are people who find the culture and the environment magical and wonderful and can't imagine why anyone would complain.  And there are plenty of people who fall somewhere between.  But there are people who don't like it - and hopefully we don't meet too many of them, because hopefully they move on before too long.
My friend's realization, and her mention of guilt, reminded me of my own feelings when I left Latvia.  I so wasn't happy there.  I didn't feel like I fit in.  I stepped off the plane on every return with a sinking feeling in my gut.  Heck, sometimes it started in the last port before arriving in Latvia, at the boarding gate as I looked around and saw people who were clearly headed the same place as I was.  It wasn't good.  I felt super guilty because this was supposed to be the place I came from, the place my family and culture and traditions hailed from.  Heck, it IS the place all that came from.  But, it still didn't feel like home to me.
The truth is, surprisingly I have felt more at home in Laos than anywhere.  I don't have a sinking feeling coming back here.  But, is that because this is the place where my family has grown? Where we have MADE a home? Or just because I like it here?  I'm not sure.  It could be a bit of both. 
Between road construction, an endless hot season and just plain life,  I am so so so so so ready for a good long break from Laos right now.   But at the same time, I'm pretty sure I'll come back here in August refreshed and ready to settle in back home and into our life here. 
And so the question remains....where is that place?

My special little snowflake

Sigh. 

The longer I mother, the simpler I wish to make things.   Yeah, Beni got homemade purees for her first foods.  (Which she never ate, by the way! I may have lied about that on this very blog 5 or so years ago.  She hated purees!) Zintis got a few special foods here and there, mostly just stuff cut to the right size for him.  With Vilnis, I was basically planning on making sure whatever he was gnawing on had some nutritional content.  You know, as you do with third babies. :) 

Alas, it turns out Vilnis is our special little snowflake.  Vilnis is having blood in his diapers.  It's happened 4 or 5 times in his life when it's been visible to the naked eye. 

The first time it happened I took a picture, made note, mentioned it to a doctor at some point, but didn't freak out.  The next time it happened, I took pictures again, and sent my pediatrician friend a quick message on Facebook.  

Then it happened twice in two weeks and I started getting worried. 

Add to the blood that he's been a huge spitter-upper since the beginning.  He makes people gasp and make faces when they see how much he spits up.  He makes me change my clothes. I sometimes have to change his too.  He makes frequent sheet changes necessary. 

And then, add on to the spit up the fact that his poops went from being beautiful, yellow, seedy things to mucousy, green things.  The green maybe wasn't so much a worry (some say yes, some say no), but the mucus was. 

He does have 2 siblings and 2 parents who bring germs home from school, but he's been sick a lot, too.  Snotty noses are frequent with him. 

The one good thing, the wonderful thing that we can really thank our lucky stars for, is that throughout all of this he's been eating and growing and happy.  He's a happy spitter-upper.  He sometimes cries out before he toots, but, a little pressure sometimes causes that doesn't it?  Anyway, he's happy. 

But the blood.  So, I went to the doctor again after it happened twice in two weeks and after a good physical check-over (which showed nothing abnormal on the outside), we decided to do a stool sample analysis.  This came back testing positive for white blood cells (infection) and for blood in the stool. 

So, Vilnis's diet consists of one thing, which is mamma's milk.  That means that likely something that is getting to him from my milk is causing his issues.  So, in order for him to get a special diet, *I* have to have a special diet.  Good thing I love him.

So the first thing to go was dairy, which is the number one cause of gastrointestinal distress in babies.  No more parm on my spaghetti,  no more cheese on my breakfast bagel, NO MORE MILK IN MY COFFEE.   Killing me, dude, killing me.

But I powered through.   I found an "extra milky" soy milk which actually was an acceptable substitute for real milk in my coffee.  I had made it almost 2 full weeks dairy free, and close to a hopeful second stool sample analysis,  when he had another bloody diaper.   I was crushed. 

Not just because I can't have milk in my coffee.  Because I'm so sad that my baby is suffering, even if silently.  I'm so sad that what I'm giving him isn't best for him right now, as it's causing him issues.  I just want him to be ok.  And man, I really hope he doesn't have gut issues forever. :(

So, a quick consult with the pediatrician,  and we've decided that I should cut out soy, and then eggs.  Frankly, at this point, I'm just doing my best to take out both, because I don't particularly want to wait to see soy not make a difference and then wait again to see if eggs do. 

So, my diet is now dairy, soy and egg free.  Can I tell you, this is not easy living in Southeast Asia.   Soybean oil is the favorite, cheap oil to cook EVERYTHING, and of course, soy sauce is in a LOT of stuff.  Dairy is pretty easy to avoid as long as I don't want to eat any complete western meal.  Hold the cheese, hold the butter, hold the milk.  Yeah, I'm just gonna cook at home, thanks. 

So, my special little snowflake, my delicate little flower, baby #3 is demanding more.  He's not letting me get away with feeding him food just off my plate.  He's making me think about what I'm feeding him before I'm actually even feeding him. 

Tonight I whipped up a couple baguettes just so I could have some bread and know it's safe. 

Watch this space for updates.

Baby's first...

Airplane trip! Trip to the beach! Swim in the ocean! Swim in the pool! Stay at a hotel!

A whole lot of firsts for wee 4.5 month old Vilnis.  Trying my best NOT to add sunburn to that list...oh wait, he already had a sunburn once.  Yeah, oops.

It was a first for a lot of us yesterday at the airport when after getting everyone on the plane, we just sat there and sat there and sat there.  Trying to keep the kids occupied, at first I didn't notice that there was actually something going on to delay us.  There had been no announcements made, so I was just focused on the kids.  But then, I realized the lady in the window seat next to me kept taking photos and making videos out the window.  I realized there was a royal air force plane next to us.   I also saw a huge mass of uniformed people standing in perfect lines outside the airport.   And there was a red carpet and a super fancy car.  Finally, 4 choppers flew in, the car drove up to one, drove back to the red carpet.  A person was escorted up the red carpet and into the airport.  A few minutes later the plane got moving.  Actually, that whole thing delayed us by nearly 2 hours.  It should have been only an hour long flight.  Yeah.  Supposedly it was the princess.  The lady next to me thought it was the king, but others said this would be pretty improbable. We couldn't see close enough to tell. 

Anyway....thankfully this trip we chose to stay right near the airport, which means even though we had such a big delay, and arrived much later than we planned,  at least we didn't have to deal with a long car ride after the long plane ride.  Whew.

Now, Zintis woke up sick today - has been vomiting and burning up with fever.  Poor dude is pretty miserable.   :(  hopefully it won't last too long.  Beni had to be taken to hospital once while we were on vacation, so it wouldn't be a first, but, it's not really one we want to repeat.

The joy of possibilities

Yesterday I felt a giant swell of possibility come over me. It was a very welcome and sadly long since not felt feeling. 

I have a friend of a friend in town who is also a teacher.  She has worked at a couple different schools in the time that I have known her.  I've hung out with her a few times in social settings and I get a good feeling from her. 

Being that we're friends of friends,  we also became Facebook friends.  She was intrigued by my nails wraps.  She ordered some in the last big order I facilitated.   Yesterday, I went to drop them off to her. At her work.

Her work.  She recently (less than a year), quit her admin job at one preschool to buy and run her own preschool.  She is deeply dedicated to ideas which fall under the Montessori and Waldorf umbrellas - basically, letting kids be kids, letting them explore, be outside, get dirty,  use their imaginations, etc.

When I walked into her preschool, I looked around and saw lots of happy kids and babies interacting with loads of adults.  They were in the sand,  in the grass, running around chasing balls,  riding bikes and more.   Some were just cuddling.  I heard one parent communicate to her that her child had had a rough night, and she immediately said, "we'll do what she needs today - a longer rest is no problem."

My point?  I immediately got a warm, welcoming feel from this place.  It was nice.  

Now, we all know I'm not really the type to get excited about preschool and even less so daycare.  BUT, sometimes life demands things of you.  Our family's finances get pretty sad when we go down to one wage.  It's something we've agreed on because of how much I need to be with my baby, and Joel knows that, but it doesn't make it any easier on our bank accounts. 

Plus, there is the fact that I really like to shop.  I enjoy buying myself and my kids and my friends things they need, things they want, things they didn't know they needed or would love as much as they do.  Shopping requires money.  Money doesn't grow on trees. But I can earn money! By working! But I have a baby.

This was the problem before...the time to get a full time job for next school year has passed.  And Joel and I both know our family would suffer (because of my inability to work full time, be a good employee  and be a good mom to a baby- NOT because it's not possible for others to do it) if I did go back full time so soon.  So the next choice is subbing.  The school often needs subs and they have been trying to get me back this school year already.   But I'm not leaving Vilnis at this point.  Plus also,  I have no one to leave him with.  He's 4 months old and we don't have a nanny.   You see where this is going.

The dilemma for subbing next year was the child care.   Would we hire a full time nanny, and only make her work on days I got called in?  Would we end up paying her more than I earned some months? Seems silly. 

But now....there is a new possibility.  This preschool/daycare takes children from 6 mos old.  And they take kids on a drop-in basis, with a little warning.  So, if I can SCHEDULE sub jobs ahead of time - when people know they will be out on professional development or unpaid leave or whatever,  then I can pay just by the day for child care! 

This begins to turn into a big win-win - win! 

Vilnis is the happiest, most chill baby ever.  Right now he's sleeping next to me.  He'd already eaten, and was acting very tired,  so I laid him down, popped a paci in his mouth and covered him with a blanket,  and he just fell asleep.  (Let me tell ya, the other 2 NEVER did that!) He is also very social and loves smiling at people and watching his siblings - so he seems like the type of kid who would enjoy an out of home care setting.  It wouldn't be stressful to him.  And thankfully, with subbing, I aways have the option to say no. 

I honest to god wish we were rich, that we didn't have to worry about money, that I could stay home and take care of children and our home and managing our lives.  I'd be happy to fill that role for quite some time.  But it's not the card we've been dealt, it's not a situation we've managed to create.  So, next best thing - finding a way to be able to earn some money, and know that your kid(s) are in good hands.  Win-win.  And that feels really, really good.

Start saving for therapy now

Today started off ok, but got off track quickly.  Beni had a Girl Scout session today.  We were meeting at a Lao textile museum.  It was in a part of town I don't know at all, but I had directions that seemed straightforward so I thought we'd be ok.  We left the house 20 minutes before we were supposed to arrive, knowing it was supposed to be a 20 minute drive.  40 minutes later I was desperately trying to reach someone,  because I officially couldn't find it.  50 minutes later we gave up and headed home.  52 minutes later we got a phone call that uncovered the issue (there was a fork in the road that was not mentioned in the directions. Yeah.).  So, we finally arrived an hour after we left, 40 minutes late.  Needless to say, especially after realizing the problem with the directions,  I was not in a great mood. 

We get in only to see this was the week only 3 other girls made it.  None of Beni's friends.  So she instantly got shy.  Beni is a lot like me in that she can be crazy outgoing and confident, but in a brand new situation with people she doesn't know, she can also get stupidly shy.  When she does this, she clings, she mumbles, she whines, she baby-talks not real words.  She pulls on me and tries to practically get inside me. 

Sometimes, when I am in a good head space, when I can put the baby down,  etc, I can deal with this.  When it's not 500% humidity.  But when we're out and I have the baby and my bag and I'm sweating through my clothes and the lady who is supposed to be leading a tour through this place is useless, so there is nothing for me to even try to engage my daughter in.... and I'm already in a bad mood because I couldn't finish my coffee while driving  and I just spent 40 minutes trying to find this damn place....well.... then I can't handle it. 

I just couldn't.  I couldn't deal.  Stop whining! Stop mumbling! Stop grabbing at me and clinging to me! Tell me what you need.  Why are you being so shy? Aaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!

Beni ran away crying.  Fuck. 

On the way home a terrible hour later, I tried to talk to her and as soon as I did, she was in tears again and said she didn't want to talk about it.  I finally got it out of her, and she says,

"I just wanted a hug, mamma."

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

What kind of mother refuses her child a hug?

Sigh. 

I apologized.   I told her how I was feeling, and that I was frustrated because she wouldn't talk to me and wasn't actually telling me what she needed.  We talked about it again later after we got home and I could look her in the eye and actually give her a hug.  I think we're ok. 

But... that feeling of being quite sure that you've let down your kid because they needed one thing - and it wasn't money and it wasn't a toy and it wasn't food and it wasn't candy - it was just you.  That's all she needed.   And I just couldn't.  

Tomorrow is a new day?  Tomorrow is a new day.  But, still might start tucking a bit away for those therapy bills. 

Happy Easter... I think?

Yesterday was Easter Sunday.  I wrote this post yesterday, and it wouldn't publish.  So, now I'm trying again.  Bear with me.

The kids woke to find a Thai blessing bowl with assorted chocolates - some of which were shaped like eggs, but not actually Easter eggs (Kinder eggs), some of which were Easter chocolates imported from France, and not a single anything that was shaped like a bunny.  They didn't really ask where the bowls (no baskets to be seen) came from, they were just happy to have chocolate before breakfast. 

Later in the day (after a totally not Easter brunch and a trip to the DVD shop), we went to some friends' house for an Easter egg hunt.  Again, the children super enjoyed running around the yard,  gathering up colorful plastic eggs filled with surprises - chocolate hearts (no, no bulk bags of chocolate eggs to be bought in this town), stickers, m&ms and gummy bears.  There was some mention of a bunny having been seen hopping away, but the frenzy of 6 children running around a yard more able to find things than ever before in their lives, put any stories or questions as to the origin of this magical activity in the background.  Again, more chocolate?  Yay! Mom gets the gummy bears.

So, we have just "celebrated" the most secular Easter ever, perhaps.  And again, I find myself a little annoyed with myself and wondering what were doing. 

On Saturday night before I went to bed, I asked Joel if he would put the bowls together for the kids.  Yes, he said.  Then I asked what we would tell the kids about these bowls.  It was late, and Joel shrugged.  He didn't really know or care - especially not at that point in the day. 

Joel grew up celebrating religious traditions which are not a part of our created family life.  So there's no, "this is what I did growing up, let's do the same with our kids" for him when it comes to Easter.

I grew up celebrating Latvian traditions with roots in the natural world.  Celebrating the spring equinox, the change of the seasons, the rebirth of plants and animals; it all still makes sense to me.  The traditions feel close to my heart and like ones that I am happy to pass on to our children.  So why aren't I? 

It's the dissonance of tradition and reality.  I grew up in an environment (Michigan) very similar to the environment the traditions hail from (Latvia).  The spring equinox is the spring equinox.  But, here is southeast Asia, it's not spring.   If anything most plants seem to be ending a cycle right now, as leaves scatter in massive quantities.  The weather is generally hot, though it was a wonderfully,  surpringly cool weekend this weekend. 

So, celebrating the beginning of spring,  when that is not what I am surrounded by, just seems odd.  While local Laos holidays don't generally appeal to me, it is understandable that the next big holiday, the new year, will be celebrated with water - both to cool off, and to welcome the wet season. It makes sense. 

So...happy Easter?  Happy equinox?  Happy beginning of the hot season?  Happy day of chocolate.  :)

Little things

Beni has a loose tooth.  It's her first one.  It's one of her front bottom teeth - likely one of the first ones she got way back when she was 9 or so months old. 
She's carefully eating on the sides of her mouth, and tried to talk me into believing that she can no longer brush her front teeth, lest she disturb this loose tooth. 

Zintis has a favorite saying.  He says, "true!" It's when he really, really wants you to believe something.   Recent phrases uttered, "Polar bears live in the attic - true!"

Vilnis.  Vilnis exists.  His first mention here.  Vilnis is the happiest baby that ever lived.  He smiles at pretty much every person lucky enough to lock eyes with him.  He will laugh if that person makes a funny noise.  Vilnis is such a third baby.  He demands all my attention, like any baby should, and at the same time is so very chilled out and easy going.  He is currently curled up on the couch sleeping, nursing a pacifier.  He doesn't really use pacifiers.   A few nights ago he fell asleep in my bed during bath time - he was sucking his thumb.  He knows how to do this, and is often sucking and chewing on his hands, but, he's not quite a thumb sucker.  It's as if, he just takes what he can get, and goes with the flow. 

If I can post from my phone....

Perhaps, since I'm never at my computer anymore, but always have my phone near by, perhaps, if I install a blogging app here, I might post some content.  Perhaps?

It does feel like I need to write again.  It feels like there are important and not important things to say.  It feels like, maybe if I can do it from my phone, maybe I will do it.  Perhaps?