This summer, I did something that still rocks me to my core, if I think about it too long. Not because it was great. Not because it was fun. Not because it was awesome. But because it was completely awful and could have ended with the worst possible ending that ever could happen ever in the history of ever.
It was our last day in the US. Joel had been packing all day, the last 2 days actually. He was trying to fit in all the things I insisted we needed to cart back across the world. I was trying to help him, while also taking care of the kids, and handle other last minute things. One of the things that needed handling was the return of the rental car I had used all summer. We had already picked up the minivan that my mom would drive us to the airport in. The only problem was, mom wasn't with us when we went to pick up the minivan. She needed to be on the rental contract because she was the one that would be driving and returning the car. But, they require photo id of all drivers that want to be put on the rental contract. So, we had to go back, with her and her id, to get her put on it.
It was late in the day. Dinner time was nearing, and we still needed to drive all the way across town to the airport to put mom's name on the rental. Mom and I decided to do two birds with one stone - we would run that errand, and then pick up dinner on our way home.
At this point, Joel had already packed all the suitcases into the minivan. The vehicle was FULL. Seats were moved into the only position they could be in. Every inch of space in the rear cargo space, between seats, where there was meant to be foot space - it was ALL full of suitcases. 3 car seats were installed in the only optional configuration. Joel would have half an actual seat to sit on for the ride to Chicago. The car was full and Joel was stressed out and exhausted, so, as I normally would anyway, we grabbed the baby, strapped him in, and off we went.
Mom and I were having a hilarious conversation on the way to the rental agency - trying to figure out where to order dinner from, then trying to figure out where the restaurant was located, and then trying to figure out what to order. We ran into the normal struggles of the tech/Internet savvy person being at the wheel, and mom being ridiculous about all of it in the passenger seat. It was silly. Vilnis slumbered peacefully in his car seat the whole way.
When we arrived at the rental agency, I finally snatched the phone from my mom, called the restaurant, and ordered dinner. Then we hopped out of the car and headed inside to handle the paperwork. The errand went as easily and quickly as expected and mom and I were getting back in the car no more than 5 minutes later.
I turned around to back the minivan out of the parking spot, and my heart dropped into my stomach.
"MOM!"
She jumped. "Did you hit something?"
"MOOOOOOM!!!!! WE LEFT THE BABY IN THE CAR!"
He was just sitting there. Still sleeping. All strapped in and safe and completely oblivious.
I backed out and exited the parking lot. I'm pretty sure I was in shock and probably shouldn't have continued to drive at that moment, but I did. As we drove to the restaurant, mom and I chattered nervously about what we had just done. We went over how wrapped up we'd been in ordering dinner. How we were in an unfamiliar car. He was sleeping. Everything was different. We were both emotionally exhausted at the thought of myself and my family leaving the States again the next day. We were not ourselves.
When we reached the restaurant, I went in to see if our order was ready, but it wasn't. I came back out to the car, and now, I finally opened the back door. I looked down at my sweet, sleeping 7 month old, at his innocent, unaware face.
I leaned in and covered him in kisses. I apologized profusely for being the worst.
Good mothers don't forget their babies. Good mothers don't leave their babies in cars. Forgotten babies die. Babies in cars die. Mothers go to jail for this. People call the cops when they see a forgotten baby. Only the worst, most irresponsible, horrible, uncaring, unfit mothers do this kind of thing. Criminals!
I immediately ratted myself out in my private mommy group online. Of course, it made no difference, but it was the only punishment I could think of and execute at the time. Surely, I needed to be punished for this!
In the end, of course, we simply got our food and returned home. We got the baby out of the car at home, and went about our night. And the next day, I drove us to the airport, mom drove the minivan back to Kalamazoo, and that was the end of that. I came back to Laos with all three of my children; healthy, happy and whole.
I had another nightmare just last week about leaving him in the car. It haunts me. I could have been one of those stories. I could have been one of those mothers. It all happened so easily, and so quickly. It happened without me noticing.
I've heard about so many stories of children dying in hot cars, forgotten by their parents. I couldn't ever imagine how a parent could let that happen. Until, of course, I came this close. Until, it all but happened to me. I didn't think it ever could, and now I know that it can, because it did. Vilnis and I are obviously surrounded by angels - the car was cool, it was a not too hot late afternoon, there was no line at the service desk, and the paperwork literally took 30 seconds to complete. The little guy slept through his near death experience without a care in the world. He had no idea.
I'm not sure what the appropriate end is to this post. A reminder to stay present. Pay attention to where you are, and what you're doing.
It's got nothing to do with loving your kids, or thinking of them. I've spent the last 7 years of my life thinking of not much more than my kids. I was one of those moms that other moms criticized for spending too much time with their kids, for being too attached, too connected. I skipped date nights and nurseries and cribs and babysitters, because *I* wanted to do it all and be with them always. And then I forgot my baby in the car anyway.
We are all only human. We all make mistakes. And I can only only thank my lucky stars that our story had a happy ending.
No comments:
Post a Comment