Am I not ok???

Warning: The following post may eventually contain much profanity and possibly complete and utter emotional diarrhea. If you're not into that, then you should stop here.

So... I was at the movies tonight. JS and I went to see Music and Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. It was a fairly brainless movie, but a few hours of numbing happy entertainment none the less. I wouldn't say it's my best spent 7.5Ls, but it's not the worst either.

But, the disturbing thing that happened while I was sitting there simply losing myself in a modern day fairy tale... I stopped following the movie, and started watching only Ms. Barrymore. Thoughts in my head flowed something like this... "Gosh she's cute. I love her in the movies. She seems like such a nice person, she always plays characters that you can like. And she's beautiful. She is beautiful, isn't she? Why don't I look like that? Could I? She didn't always used to be that skinny. What did she do?"

And then enters some evil voice that also resides somewhere inside me, and seems to speak all too often... "Well, you could look like her if you stopped eating Nerds (which I happened to be so excited to find in Stockmann today, because I've never seen them in Latvia before, and I was happy to pay like $2.50 for the pack you'd get for a dollar in the States...especially because, not only do I love them, but they hold happy memories of times spent in Boogies with dear friend Kat) by the handful. Maybe if you exercised more. If you went back on a diet. You could be beautiful, or at least skinny."

By the time I got home, I was distraught. I am a person who tries on a daily basis to take good care of myself. I have made choices that not only resonate with me on a spiritual level, but also seem healthy. I practice yoga. I have even started doing pilates, which I am also enjoying. I try to eat food that comes close to its natural form. No, I am not perfect, and yes I DO enjoy handfuls of Nerds sometimes. But, like any other person on this planet, shouldn't I be allowed that pleasure... to eat some fucking candy that brings delight to my taste buds and makes me remember some good memories while sitting back and relaxing in the movies??? Shouldn't I??? Why should I be tormented with these thoughts, that in the end come back to one fucking thing... what is wrong with me? Why can't I just be ok... the way I am???

And then... where does that thought even come from??? Why is it, that every time I hear a man comment on a woman's physique, I take it so personally??? Whether it's a "she's hot", or a "nice boobs", or whatever... it seems like a personal attack on me... why? Because I'm not like that. I don't look like that. I don't have boobs like that. And if THAT is what hot is, then what does that make me?

And then there come all these voices from the past.... "When are you going to start doing some sit-ups?" (accompanied by a pinch of my perfectly appropriate teenager belly). "You'd be hotter if you had abs that looked like that." "Well, you do have a nice ass, but if your boobs were bigger, you'd be the whole package." "Why don't you do something with your hair?" "Why do you dress so plainly, you look like a teenager the way you dress." "Put some make up on." "Why are you wearing make up? Why do you need to wear so much make up? Aren't you comfortable just as you?"

WHEN DID IT BECOME OK FOR US TO GO AROUND JUDGING EACH OTHERS BODIES AND APPEARANCES LIKE THIS??? Why is that ok???

I am so sad that whoever it was, whether the media, my parents, my boyfriends, my friends... that whoever it was, was able to implant these messages into my brain... and make me constantly question, "am I not ok?" and to feel like the answer must just be, "sorry, but, no."

Ok... there wasn't as much profanity as I thought there would be in this post... because my anger turned to saddness very quickly. I live in a country where purging is at times endorsed by dieticians. Where I can only occassionally find clothes that fit. Where, basically, unless you are wearing three lbs of make up, stilleto boots, a mini skirt, and have your boobs popping out near you chin, you won't make a man turn his head. Do I want that kind of attention... from the same scum bags who find that attractive? No, but would it be nice to walk through town every once in a while, and feel like possibly at the young age of 26 I'm not past my prime just yet? Yes, that would be nice.

Why didn't someone somewhere along the way make something else important? Why couldn't I focus on the fact that I'm smart, I'm well-traveled, I can make people laugh, I am a good listener to my friends, I have an open heart not only with the people that I choose to make up my community, but also my students.... there are so many things that are positive about me... that might even inspire some awe if someone where to see a picture made up only of these words. But alas, even when I try to highlight all these things for myself, I am still left with the sad "reality" that I just don't cut it physically.

Some people don't seem to have this problem. There are so many people out there who love themselves and think that they are great in every way. Or, at least, even if they don't love everything, they accept it, can live with it, don't feel the need to try and change it, and are ok.

I'm exhausted by this fight. It can reduce me to tears in a matter of moments too often. I am sick of having to tell myself all the things that I have to tell myself to try to get through a day without just plain feeling like shit.

I just want to be ok. Is that too much to ask?

more pics!!!

I couldn't help it. He's not watching tv... but he's cute anyway... so here you can see some pics of my two favorite boys hanging out. :) One still has his balls. HA!

Well, well, well...

Look who doesn't seem to mind the cat so much anymore?!?!? (insert big cheesy victorious grin)

Look closely at the picture... not only is he sharing the couch, as he does his bed, with the cat... but his hand is on the cat's head. Because yes, dear friends, JS is petting the cat!!!! Oh how far we have come. :) And its a bad picture because I had to take it very quickly because otherwise he would have hid his new found affection. :)

On another note about the cat... it seems that now that Bumbulis no longer can chase after Mima in his free time, he has learned to watch tv! I have a short video file of it, which really is funny, but I don't know if I can upload it anywhere. He sits right in front of it next to his scratching post and watches, or sometimes on the desk chair, or sometimes he watches sitting on the back of the couch... but he watches. Seems he has finally learned to make do when there is nothing else to do. :) My cat watches tv.

OK... one more thing. :)

Some of you may know that in February my younger brother came to visit me in Latvia! He actually came because he needed to have some dental work done. It was cheaper for him to buy a plane ticket to Latvia, and pay to have the work done here, rather than just pay for it all in the States. How about that? So he was here for about two weeks.
We had a great time, although, we didn't do much. The weather was very cold while he was here. You all know I hate the cold weather, and him being a "desert rat" (his own words), he didn't exactly enjoy the -20C temps either. So, we didn't spend too much time outside, and only left Riga once. But, it had been almost two years since we'd seen each other, so we enjoyed a lot of time just talking, catching up on life, and sharing all kinds of things about the people we have become.
Here is a great picture of us, on the day we did leave Riga. We took the train down to Jurmala, the city by the sea (literally, the name translated is seaside). It is actually the Gulf of Riga, not the open Baltic Sea that we visited. It was lovely though. The first 10 meters or so of water was frozen, and then it was just wide open calm water after that. The sun was shining, reflecting off the ice, making for a lovely, though squinty, walk along the beach.
So here we are... me and my younger brother Martins.

Just a couple more things...

So I changed my blog look. :) I hope it's easier for you to read now. I really liked the black background I had before, but I like how there is more room for the text now... so, I changed it. And, this is how I feel today... so... this is me... today. :)

Also... apparently I am addicted to caffeine. :( I drink tea every morning... but when I lived at my old place, I mostly drank herbal, noncaffeinated ones. Once I started spending nights/mornings at JS's though, I drank what he had, which was black tea. I really liked it... so even once I moved in, I kept drinking it... with some sugar and milk, it's just lovely. :) But, apparently the caffeine in it has been enough to get me hooked over these last few months. I didn't have my tea this morning, because when I got up, I just got moving right away... but then I noticed that I was just feeling nauseous and foggy... so finally, around 4:30 when I got the chance... I had some tea. And now I feel better. I just hate the idea of being addicted though. :( Yuck.

On a happy note... the weather has been beautiful in Riga the last few days. Today when JS and I went out, we didn't even have to wear coats, and the sun was shining... it was great. I am so excited that spring is really on it's way... however, I'm keeping it in my thoughts that this is Latvia... and we still could get hit with some snow. But let's hope not! :)

WATCH YOUR POCKETS!!!!

Riga, Latvia... watch your pockets!

In November, when my godmother was here, we met for lunch. At the end of our meal, she wanted to treat me, and all of a sudden, realized that her wallet was not in her bag! She raced home hoping that she had simply left it there, but no such luck... she'd been pickpocketed during her *5* minute walk to where we were meeting.
In December when JS's friends were visiting from Angola, on our first day walking around town we were walking down Brivibas bulvaris and all of a sudden I felt like there was someone just walking TOO close to me behind me. I turned just in time to see a few girls following me, and feel the one's hand in my purse... thankfully, not far enough in to get anything. Whew. But hey, good impression to leave on the visitors!
Two days later... JS himself gets his wallet stolen out of his bag. He doesn't notice in time, but they used the same tactics... walking up real close behind them... quietly slipping the hand inside, and as soon as they grasped the wallet, turning and heading directly in the opposite direction. We cancelled all the cards right away, and thankfully, he didn't have ANY money in there!
Today, as I was walking back home after hitting a few shops, I saw coming towards me two women, obviously tourists (always detectable, because they are not speaking Latvian or Russian!) with backpack type purses on. Right behind them, too close for comfort, a pack of gypsy lady pick-pockets. Not knowing what else I could do, I just yelled out, "Ladies, watch your bags!" and kept walking. I can only hope that they heard me and registered that my message was one for them to pick up on.
I just cannot tell you how infuriating these pick pockets are. They are everywhere, and they target anyone not speaking Latvian/Russian. Unfortunately, this leaves JS and I as targets as well, since we speak English between ourselves. Also, unfortunately, these people make a lot of money doing what they do, and so we can only try to protect ourselves.
So, for those of you out there that don't think it will happen to you... it can and will, if you don't take precautions!
Obviously, if you are traveling in a country where you don't speak the language, you can not help having to speak English, but if this is the case, then let me give you some clues!

-Don't carry a backpack purse! You're asking for trouble. Take only what you need when you leave the house, so that you can fit it all in a smaller purse that you can carry some other way.
-If you're carrying a purse that hangs on one shoulder, across your body, carry it in front of you, not behind you. This is how I almost got done, and I'm sure how JS got done.
-Best bets, carry a bag with a zipper... and keep it zipped!
-Gentlemen, don't carry your wallet in your pocket! Put it in your coat, in an inside pocket!
-Lastly I can only say that no matter where you are, no matter what time of day, just BE AWARE. They are everywhere, and they will get you!

I hate to be so untrusting, but sadly, this is how it is here. And it sucks that I and all my friends here have started to stereotype the gypsies to be the ones that are doing this, and therefore feel less safe around people that look a certain way... but I tell you what... it happens, or you see it happen one too many times, and it's hard to forget who they are and what they look like! And they look shady. If you happen to look them in the eye, you see only cold, heartless beings. They don't care that you have worked a 40, 50 or 60 hour week, at a job that you fought to get, after gaining a degree that kicked your ass... they don't care. They want what they see as "theirs" and they will take it. So, just watch yourself, and WATCH YOUR POCKETS!!!