Am I not ok???

Warning: The following post may eventually contain much profanity and possibly complete and utter emotional diarrhea. If you're not into that, then you should stop here.

So... I was at the movies tonight. JS and I went to see Music and Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. It was a fairly brainless movie, but a few hours of numbing happy entertainment none the less. I wouldn't say it's my best spent 7.5Ls, but it's not the worst either.

But, the disturbing thing that happened while I was sitting there simply losing myself in a modern day fairy tale... I stopped following the movie, and started watching only Ms. Barrymore. Thoughts in my head flowed something like this... "Gosh she's cute. I love her in the movies. She seems like such a nice person, she always plays characters that you can like. And she's beautiful. She is beautiful, isn't she? Why don't I look like that? Could I? She didn't always used to be that skinny. What did she do?"

And then enters some evil voice that also resides somewhere inside me, and seems to speak all too often... "Well, you could look like her if you stopped eating Nerds (which I happened to be so excited to find in Stockmann today, because I've never seen them in Latvia before, and I was happy to pay like $2.50 for the pack you'd get for a dollar in the States...especially because, not only do I love them, but they hold happy memories of times spent in Boogies with dear friend Kat) by the handful. Maybe if you exercised more. If you went back on a diet. You could be beautiful, or at least skinny."

By the time I got home, I was distraught. I am a person who tries on a daily basis to take good care of myself. I have made choices that not only resonate with me on a spiritual level, but also seem healthy. I practice yoga. I have even started doing pilates, which I am also enjoying. I try to eat food that comes close to its natural form. No, I am not perfect, and yes I DO enjoy handfuls of Nerds sometimes. But, like any other person on this planet, shouldn't I be allowed that pleasure... to eat some fucking candy that brings delight to my taste buds and makes me remember some good memories while sitting back and relaxing in the movies??? Shouldn't I??? Why should I be tormented with these thoughts, that in the end come back to one fucking thing... what is wrong with me? Why can't I just be ok... the way I am???

And then... where does that thought even come from??? Why is it, that every time I hear a man comment on a woman's physique, I take it so personally??? Whether it's a "she's hot", or a "nice boobs", or whatever... it seems like a personal attack on me... why? Because I'm not like that. I don't look like that. I don't have boobs like that. And if THAT is what hot is, then what does that make me?

And then there come all these voices from the past.... "When are you going to start doing some sit-ups?" (accompanied by a pinch of my perfectly appropriate teenager belly). "You'd be hotter if you had abs that looked like that." "Well, you do have a nice ass, but if your boobs were bigger, you'd be the whole package." "Why don't you do something with your hair?" "Why do you dress so plainly, you look like a teenager the way you dress." "Put some make up on." "Why are you wearing make up? Why do you need to wear so much make up? Aren't you comfortable just as you?"

WHEN DID IT BECOME OK FOR US TO GO AROUND JUDGING EACH OTHERS BODIES AND APPEARANCES LIKE THIS??? Why is that ok???

I am so sad that whoever it was, whether the media, my parents, my boyfriends, my friends... that whoever it was, was able to implant these messages into my brain... and make me constantly question, "am I not ok?" and to feel like the answer must just be, "sorry, but, no."

Ok... there wasn't as much profanity as I thought there would be in this post... because my anger turned to saddness very quickly. I live in a country where purging is at times endorsed by dieticians. Where I can only occassionally find clothes that fit. Where, basically, unless you are wearing three lbs of make up, stilleto boots, a mini skirt, and have your boobs popping out near you chin, you won't make a man turn his head. Do I want that kind of attention... from the same scum bags who find that attractive? No, but would it be nice to walk through town every once in a while, and feel like possibly at the young age of 26 I'm not past my prime just yet? Yes, that would be nice.

Why didn't someone somewhere along the way make something else important? Why couldn't I focus on the fact that I'm smart, I'm well-traveled, I can make people laugh, I am a good listener to my friends, I have an open heart not only with the people that I choose to make up my community, but also my students.... there are so many things that are positive about me... that might even inspire some awe if someone where to see a picture made up only of these words. But alas, even when I try to highlight all these things for myself, I am still left with the sad "reality" that I just don't cut it physically.

Some people don't seem to have this problem. There are so many people out there who love themselves and think that they are great in every way. Or, at least, even if they don't love everything, they accept it, can live with it, don't feel the need to try and change it, and are ok.

I'm exhausted by this fight. It can reduce me to tears in a matter of moments too often. I am sick of having to tell myself all the things that I have to tell myself to try to get through a day without just plain feeling like shit.

I just want to be ok. Is that too much to ask?