When you're no longer normal

I don't want to apologize for where I'm at- but, I do hate that I'm still here.  That is, I'm not *still* HERE.  I am in a wholly new place, a long off different place than I was years ago- BUT, I still struggle with food, my body, my worth and all the ways in which these things tie together.  I'm 38 years old, and I still struggle.  I don't think I ever would have guessed as a younger person that these things would still be issues for me at this age.  But they are.

Here's the thing.  These issues are deep.  Sometimes they feel like just really big personal failures.  Other times they feel like issues stemming directly from so many ways in which the world failed me.  Some days I feel responsible, other days I want to shirk it all.  And on the good days, I know that I am the only one who can choose to make any difference now, so what's my next step?

The next step is the thing I've been thinking about a lot lately.  And I had a great conversation with a friend about it recently.  Friend and I have been ships passing in the night for a few weeks, so when we finally got together, we had lots to say and not that much time to say it all in.  She shared about all the cool stuff happening in her life, and then,  I shared what's been going on for me.  Most notably, I am still trying to adjust to being back at work with such a young baby at home.  I am trying to adjust to being the mother of 4 children.  I am trying to adjust to doing all of this without my mom.  I am not feeling successful a lot of the time.  In fact, it often feels like a losing battle.  And when I start feeling this way, there is this automated app inside of me that tries to helpfully distract me from the real issues by making it all about my body size/shape/weight.  Of course, it's not really helpful, but, my brain hasn't gotten that far yet, so this keeps happening. The good thing is that I at least recognize that app.  I just can't quite disable it yet.  Would love to uninstall and clear up some space.  (Ok, going too far with this app metaphor...)

So I was talking to Friend.  I said how, I'm struggling with all this adjusting I'm doing, and it's making me worry about losing weight or wanting to lose weight.  And then the hard thing is that, while losing weight won't change my worth, it could improve other things, and would not be a bad thing.  There is excess weight to be lost. And especially now that I am done bearing children, there is forward motion to be had.  This body is coming back to me- for the last nearly 10 years it has been at the mercy of others- but soon it will be mine again, for me, mine alone to use as I would like.

Recap, there is weight to be lost.  But I don't NEED to lose weight.  Losing weight won't make me a better teacher, mother, wife or friend.  Losing weight won't make me a better person, or help me adjust to all my new roles any better.  Losing weight will change the way I look- *maybe* the way I feel.  Losing weight will not bring happiness that is not already there.

So next steps.  What do I do?  How do I get there?  And this is where it gets tricky... when you're no longer normal.

You see, I have a lot of years of food misuse behind me.  Food abuse.  Eating for the wrong reasons.  Or, eating to extremes.  Or using food as a tactic or tool.

There is this indulgent side to me.  When life gets hard, this little indulgent voice says, "hey, you deserve that."  A LOT of times, starting from when I was very young "that" was food.  I learned to eat so I could get a temporary high from the feel-good of nice food, the comfort of a full belly, the distraction from whatever else was going on.  Distressing feelings set aside, it's time to eat! Sometimes, depending on how big the feelings were, it took a lot of food.  And the more I did this over the years, the harder it became to notice when I was actually hungry, or actually full, because, when you're always eating for the wrong reasons, you lose touch with these natural instincts. Damn.

I'm no longer normal when it comes to eating.  Sometimes I can eat what feels like a normal amount, or for a normal reason- because I'm hungry.  But I often question- is this really a normal amount?  Should I be hungry again?  Am I really hungry?  Am I eating more than I need?

Back to that conversation with Friend.  You know what was so nice about it?  She was able to relate.  Not with food though.  So she actually couldn't offer any advice.  But she KNEW NOT TO OFFER ANY ADVICE, because of her own situation.  You see, she struggles with alcohol.  She enjoys it, but, has trouble stopping.  What she has found is that it's hard for her to drink in moderation.  It's all or nothing.  I might have a glass of wine while making dinner, and maybe one more with dinner- but she'll finish the bottle.  I might have a happy hour drink with friends- she ends up out until 2am when happy hour turns into a night out.  She ends up emotional and distressed, arguing with people she loves because alcohol has control of her.

I can't really relate to all that, because, I know if I drink more than a certain amount, I won't be able to take care of my kids, I'll feel sick, I'll be tired, etc... so I don't do it.  I only really enjoy the first 2 glasses of anything anyway- maybe 3.  4 and we're in trouble.  So mostly, I don't do it.  I just stop.  But she can't do that.

She can't do that, in the same way, that I can't just eat a bit less, or just cut out certain foods, or, just eat a little bit of something.  And she doesn't really get why I can't just not put more food in my face, just like I don't really get why she can't just not drink another drink.  AND YET, we both get it perfectly, because, although the substance is different, for both of us, it's something we're no longer normal with.  We can't deal with the issue the way a normal eater or casual alcohol user would.  Because that is no longer us.

All that to say- I'm not sure what my next step is.  I don't know where I should try to go, which direction would be the best use of my time and energy at the moment. But what I do know is that this is a journey... and the road I'm on might be a bit longer and a bit windier than someone else's road.  I do believe that the road leads somewhere better.  That I can hope for a brighter future, where there is less struggle.  But, how long it takes me to get there, and just how much work I will have to put in to get there... who can say, but it'll probably be a bit more than normal.