I won't lie, the fact that my nuptials are approaching has been making a lot of stuff come up for me- some of it good, some bad, some ugly. I hope it's not a bad, but rather a natural thing. Joel has been good enough to put up with my incessant desire to talk about things and to share things with me when I need him to.
Last night, we were chatting about some stuff, and some thoughts came up for me about why I might be facing some of the difficulties I have been. (I feel like I've blogged about this before at some point, but I couldn't find where, so, I'll write it down again...)
Anyway.... growing up, possibly because I did start dating rather young (I went out with the same boy for a whole year when I was in 8th grade/13 years old), I was always told, that you shouldn't focus all your energy "on a man". Of course, it makes sense that when you're 13, or 16 or even 19- you should be doing lots of other things in your life, and just worrying about being involved or trying to stay involved would not be a good thing.
As a young woman, I received a constant message of, "be independent", "chase your own dreams", "don't rely on a man", even, "don't let a man be the most important thing".
But here is the thing- here I am at age 28, heading towards my wedding, and suddenly, inexplicably, the rules seemed to have changed- now it's, "your husband should be your best friend".
How do you go from never putting a man in first place, never relying on a man, to having him be your best friend?
I cried to Joel last night that sometimes I just worry about leaning on him too much, about needing him too much- of course he giggled at me, and said he'd always be there, and that I shouldn't worry, that I *can* lean on him.
When I look back, I think I might have worried about boys too much in general when I was young, lost sleep over them, cried about them, just thought about them too much! But then, it didn't stop me from getting great grades, playing volleyball, being in musicals, being in the National Honor Society (even being the secretary one year), I earned money babysitting (no I didn't have a real job til I went to college)- I got the full ride academic scholarship for university. But then, even in uni- I worked, I still got great grades (there might have only been one semester I wasn't on the Dean's list), I pursued my dreams in general-- and yeah, I dated, I fell in love, I had my heart broken a few times, I even slipped into mild depression now and then (my poor roommates...), but through it all, I don't think I ever really gave up on myself or my dreams.
And then of course, after university, I think I made a pretty bold choice about going to China. It was a big move to make- and this one thing, I have to admit was partially man-motivated. I desperately needed to get away from an ex and a whole life that I had that involved him in so many ways- I saw him everywhere I went in that town, I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I needed to get away from it. I needed to get away from him. And I did. And I couldn't have picked a better place to NOT find a man. Well, ok, I found men, but in two years in China, I certainly didn't find anyone worth the time I spent on them. Which is unfortunate, because I did spend quite a bit of time on one of them.
Anyway, the point is, it seems that actually, I have done pretty well to follow those rules of not putting a man in the first place- although probably, I just spent way too much energy and emotion on men- which is maybe why I was always getting the "talks" from all the important women in my life about it all. I guess in an odd way, my actions never really matched up to my words, in that although emotionally I might have been consumed by men, I didn't let it stop me from DOING things- which maybe is the important thing? I don't know.
But anyway, at this point, I am simply finding it difficult to transition from one set of rules to the next! And it just feels like the trap that one modern woman might find herself falling into.
I was thinking the other day that had I met my first really serious boyfriend in 1794, or 1894 instead of 1994, I probably would have married him, by now I would have a herd of children, and well, life would be very, very different. Maybe it wouldn't have happened that way, because back in those days, I wouldn't have been able to choose a mate-- but, the point is, it seems like life has to some extent just become that much more complicated. Sometimes rules seem to make life easier- and now that we have no rules- well, there are still rules, but maybe they are more subtle, which just makes everything very complicated, no?
I don't know- but I wonder, am I the only "modern woman" finding it difficult to transition emotionally from single-dom to couple-dom? Because you know, the physical part of this transition has been easy as pie- nothing ever felt so natural as to share a space with Joel (yes, the first and only guy I have ever lived with)- which is funny, because I'm pretty sure, joining our lives up physically was indeed quite difficult for him. Getting used to having someone around all the time wasn't easy for him. But for me, it was easy, it felt natural, and I loved it.
That's my story for today- I'm working on the balance of being me, while being a part of a couple- the balance of being strong on my own, while being able to lean on Joel- the balance of continuing to pursue my dreams, while also being Joel's #1 cheerleader, and of course working on building and pursuing our common dreams as well. On being a modern woman, choosing to be in the ancient institution of marriage.
