A trip down memory lane...

So, of course, with this whole thing happening yesterday, it brought up a lot of conversation about our relationship so far, and who knew what when- as in, which of us knew "this was it" first. I told everyone yesterday that I knew right from the start (like within the first week of casual dating) that he was the guy for me. Of course, no one believes it when you say this. So, I went into my sent emails box, and luckily, my emails go back all the way to 2006- when we met.

In an email dated August 30, 2006 I wrote to AW:

"Marriage... we haven't actually talked about it. I don't get the impression that he is against it. Who knows. I seriously, cannot stop thinking that this is REALLY the guy I am going to marry. WHAT THE FUCK? :)"

There you go! And, anyone (around) can ask DS- I was living with her at the time that I met Joel, and if anyone heard it, it was her. And I remember that time oh so well- I was trying so hard NOT to get attached quickly, but no matter what I did, there was this little voice that would come out of nowhere, whispering, "This is the man you're going to marry..." It freaked me out, and I tried to make it stop because I didn't want to repeat the past- I didn't want to get attached again so quickly only to have it end. No matter what I did, it didn't stop.

I do think it's funny that on August 30 (Joel and I had met at school on August 2,3,4, for a math workshop- and then back to school for teachers was August 14), only two weeks after we started to get to know each other, my friends were already asking if we had talked marriage. Either way, there were ups and downs, but it all led to this, and for that I am grateful.

Actually, yesterday when I was called my friend Kat to tell her the news, I got this overwhelming feeling about the past having led to this. When I think about all of the relationships that are behind me- ones that I fought for (harder than I should have), ones that I struggled in, ones that were just for passing the time, others that were totally fun, others that were huge growing experiences. The thing is there have been a lot of them- and the ones that occurred in the last 5 or 6 years were mostly pretty serious- in more ways than one. They were emotional, they were committed, they were....well, I don't know...they were big. I have always been the one to say that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all- and I still believe that. At this point I am very grateful for all the experiences that I had, because I know that each one contributed in some way to me finding my way here- to these moments.

I'm still pinching myself to see if this is real- I can't really take my eyes off the ring, I can't stop thinking about what it actually means- because for a long time, especially after all those failed relationships, I honestly didn't think this was ever going to happen for me.

But here I am. And I am happy. I love this man, and he loves me. I feel it in my heart, and I see it when I look in his eyes.

It doesn't change anything that I knew I was going to marry him within two weeks of meeting him- it didn't make me have any less totally-insecure-girl freak-outs in the last year and a half. But it is kind of cool. And now, I'll be able to tell my children,"I knew I was going to marry your father from the very beginning." :)