Being a woman is a blessing. I know this. Experiencing being a woman can be hard.
Since I was 12, I have been having a period on an almost monthly basis. There were the years pre-birth control when they came according to no schedule, the many years on birth control when they came like clock work, every fourth Tuesday morning... and now there are the months post birth conrtol, when they are once again coming as they seem to please. The good news is that at this age, I am more in touch with my body, and can read the signs that a period might be in the works... even if it's taking more than a "usual" amount of time to come.
Sunday, after almost two months, cleansing started again. But with this period, came a feeling I had never experienced before. I felt, much to my own surprise, extreme sadness at what this period meant. I'm not pregnant.
I'm not trying to get pregnant. While GS and I have been happily dating since March, and are now fully into the misty eyes and I love you's phase of the relationship, we are NO WHERE near being ready to have a child. Basically, I'm not married, I'm not sure that I have even met the right man, I have a job, a good job, but have trouble managing my money to make my own ends meet...and let's face it... I live a carefree life of doing whatever the heck I please, because I don't have anyone else to answer to. Despite all of this... I was sad, extremely sad, that I was not pregnant. I realized that since I have been having regular (good, satisfying, loving) protected sex, that I must have been hoping a condom would break somewhere along the line.
For months now, I have been in the throes of trying to figure out how I can possibly be wanting so very much to get pregnant, when it would probably only serve to complicate my life in ways that I cannot imagine. I have come to no conclusions. I am still very confused on the subject. But my reaction at that moment when I realized that my body was again cleansing, and preparing for another cycle, rather than already actually growing anything forced me to realize that this is something I need to take seriously. That is, I need to take myself seriously on this matter. I don't know when and how I will be able to figure anything out... writing, thinking, talking so far have gotten me no where.
People keep saying that I need to just listen to my heart... that if having a child right now is the right thing, I will hear it, feel it, know it. I guess there are too many voices inside competing with my true voice. It doesn't seem that I can hear any kind of clarity.
Bearing a child, raising him or her, watching them grow is an experience that I consider an integral part of being a woman. It is a blessing that I hope to experience, probably sooner than later. I can only hope that as I continue on this path of investigating what will be right for my life, that sooner or later I will be able to decipher which is my voice, which is the true one, and then pray that life grants me the blessings for which I long.
1 comment:
Mara, I'm catching up on your blog and was reading this post. I think with you being nearly 27 years old and when you spend day in and day out with children it just becomes second nature to want a child of your own. I don't know why our bodies work that way they just do. I remember how often I cried after being married for 3, 4, 5, and even up until the day Eriks came into our lives 7 1/2 years into our marriage because I wanted to be a mother. I think there is just a time when women married or not, consciously or unconsciously desire motherhood.
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