Am I not ok???

Warning: The following post may eventually contain much profanity and possibly complete and utter emotional diarrhea. If you're not into that, then you should stop here.

So... I was at the movies tonight. JS and I went to see Music and Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. It was a fairly brainless movie, but a few hours of numbing happy entertainment none the less. I wouldn't say it's my best spent 7.5Ls, but it's not the worst either.

But, the disturbing thing that happened while I was sitting there simply losing myself in a modern day fairy tale... I stopped following the movie, and started watching only Ms. Barrymore. Thoughts in my head flowed something like this... "Gosh she's cute. I love her in the movies. She seems like such a nice person, she always plays characters that you can like. And she's beautiful. She is beautiful, isn't she? Why don't I look like that? Could I? She didn't always used to be that skinny. What did she do?"

And then enters some evil voice that also resides somewhere inside me, and seems to speak all too often... "Well, you could look like her if you stopped eating Nerds (which I happened to be so excited to find in Stockmann today, because I've never seen them in Latvia before, and I was happy to pay like $2.50 for the pack you'd get for a dollar in the States...especially because, not only do I love them, but they hold happy memories of times spent in Boogies with dear friend Kat) by the handful. Maybe if you exercised more. If you went back on a diet. You could be beautiful, or at least skinny."

By the time I got home, I was distraught. I am a person who tries on a daily basis to take good care of myself. I have made choices that not only resonate with me on a spiritual level, but also seem healthy. I practice yoga. I have even started doing pilates, which I am also enjoying. I try to eat food that comes close to its natural form. No, I am not perfect, and yes I DO enjoy handfuls of Nerds sometimes. But, like any other person on this planet, shouldn't I be allowed that pleasure... to eat some fucking candy that brings delight to my taste buds and makes me remember some good memories while sitting back and relaxing in the movies??? Shouldn't I??? Why should I be tormented with these thoughts, that in the end come back to one fucking thing... what is wrong with me? Why can't I just be ok... the way I am???

And then... where does that thought even come from??? Why is it, that every time I hear a man comment on a woman's physique, I take it so personally??? Whether it's a "she's hot", or a "nice boobs", or whatever... it seems like a personal attack on me... why? Because I'm not like that. I don't look like that. I don't have boobs like that. And if THAT is what hot is, then what does that make me?

And then there come all these voices from the past.... "When are you going to start doing some sit-ups?" (accompanied by a pinch of my perfectly appropriate teenager belly). "You'd be hotter if you had abs that looked like that." "Well, you do have a nice ass, but if your boobs were bigger, you'd be the whole package." "Why don't you do something with your hair?" "Why do you dress so plainly, you look like a teenager the way you dress." "Put some make up on." "Why are you wearing make up? Why do you need to wear so much make up? Aren't you comfortable just as you?"

WHEN DID IT BECOME OK FOR US TO GO AROUND JUDGING EACH OTHERS BODIES AND APPEARANCES LIKE THIS??? Why is that ok???

I am so sad that whoever it was, whether the media, my parents, my boyfriends, my friends... that whoever it was, was able to implant these messages into my brain... and make me constantly question, "am I not ok?" and to feel like the answer must just be, "sorry, but, no."

Ok... there wasn't as much profanity as I thought there would be in this post... because my anger turned to saddness very quickly. I live in a country where purging is at times endorsed by dieticians. Where I can only occassionally find clothes that fit. Where, basically, unless you are wearing three lbs of make up, stilleto boots, a mini skirt, and have your boobs popping out near you chin, you won't make a man turn his head. Do I want that kind of attention... from the same scum bags who find that attractive? No, but would it be nice to walk through town every once in a while, and feel like possibly at the young age of 26 I'm not past my prime just yet? Yes, that would be nice.

Why didn't someone somewhere along the way make something else important? Why couldn't I focus on the fact that I'm smart, I'm well-traveled, I can make people laugh, I am a good listener to my friends, I have an open heart not only with the people that I choose to make up my community, but also my students.... there are so many things that are positive about me... that might even inspire some awe if someone where to see a picture made up only of these words. But alas, even when I try to highlight all these things for myself, I am still left with the sad "reality" that I just don't cut it physically.

Some people don't seem to have this problem. There are so many people out there who love themselves and think that they are great in every way. Or, at least, even if they don't love everything, they accept it, can live with it, don't feel the need to try and change it, and are ok.

I'm exhausted by this fight. It can reduce me to tears in a matter of moments too often. I am sick of having to tell myself all the things that I have to tell myself to try to get through a day without just plain feeling like shit.

I just want to be ok. Is that too much to ask?

more pics!!!

I couldn't help it. He's not watching tv... but he's cute anyway... so here you can see some pics of my two favorite boys hanging out. :) One still has his balls. HA!

Well, well, well...

Look who doesn't seem to mind the cat so much anymore?!?!? (insert big cheesy victorious grin)

Look closely at the picture... not only is he sharing the couch, as he does his bed, with the cat... but his hand is on the cat's head. Because yes, dear friends, JS is petting the cat!!!! Oh how far we have come. :) And its a bad picture because I had to take it very quickly because otherwise he would have hid his new found affection. :)

On another note about the cat... it seems that now that Bumbulis no longer can chase after Mima in his free time, he has learned to watch tv! I have a short video file of it, which really is funny, but I don't know if I can upload it anywhere. He sits right in front of it next to his scratching post and watches, or sometimes on the desk chair, or sometimes he watches sitting on the back of the couch... but he watches. Seems he has finally learned to make do when there is nothing else to do. :) My cat watches tv.

OK... one more thing. :)

Some of you may know that in February my younger brother came to visit me in Latvia! He actually came because he needed to have some dental work done. It was cheaper for him to buy a plane ticket to Latvia, and pay to have the work done here, rather than just pay for it all in the States. How about that? So he was here for about two weeks.
We had a great time, although, we didn't do much. The weather was very cold while he was here. You all know I hate the cold weather, and him being a "desert rat" (his own words), he didn't exactly enjoy the -20C temps either. So, we didn't spend too much time outside, and only left Riga once. But, it had been almost two years since we'd seen each other, so we enjoyed a lot of time just talking, catching up on life, and sharing all kinds of things about the people we have become.
Here is a great picture of us, on the day we did leave Riga. We took the train down to Jurmala, the city by the sea (literally, the name translated is seaside). It is actually the Gulf of Riga, not the open Baltic Sea that we visited. It was lovely though. The first 10 meters or so of water was frozen, and then it was just wide open calm water after that. The sun was shining, reflecting off the ice, making for a lovely, though squinty, walk along the beach.
So here we are... me and my younger brother Martins.

Just a couple more things...

So I changed my blog look. :) I hope it's easier for you to read now. I really liked the black background I had before, but I like how there is more room for the text now... so, I changed it. And, this is how I feel today... so... this is me... today. :)

Also... apparently I am addicted to caffeine. :( I drink tea every morning... but when I lived at my old place, I mostly drank herbal, noncaffeinated ones. Once I started spending nights/mornings at JS's though, I drank what he had, which was black tea. I really liked it... so even once I moved in, I kept drinking it... with some sugar and milk, it's just lovely. :) But, apparently the caffeine in it has been enough to get me hooked over these last few months. I didn't have my tea this morning, because when I got up, I just got moving right away... but then I noticed that I was just feeling nauseous and foggy... so finally, around 4:30 when I got the chance... I had some tea. And now I feel better. I just hate the idea of being addicted though. :( Yuck.

On a happy note... the weather has been beautiful in Riga the last few days. Today when JS and I went out, we didn't even have to wear coats, and the sun was shining... it was great. I am so excited that spring is really on it's way... however, I'm keeping it in my thoughts that this is Latvia... and we still could get hit with some snow. But let's hope not! :)

WATCH YOUR POCKETS!!!!

Riga, Latvia... watch your pockets!

In November, when my godmother was here, we met for lunch. At the end of our meal, she wanted to treat me, and all of a sudden, realized that her wallet was not in her bag! She raced home hoping that she had simply left it there, but no such luck... she'd been pickpocketed during her *5* minute walk to where we were meeting.
In December when JS's friends were visiting from Angola, on our first day walking around town we were walking down Brivibas bulvaris and all of a sudden I felt like there was someone just walking TOO close to me behind me. I turned just in time to see a few girls following me, and feel the one's hand in my purse... thankfully, not far enough in to get anything. Whew. But hey, good impression to leave on the visitors!
Two days later... JS himself gets his wallet stolen out of his bag. He doesn't notice in time, but they used the same tactics... walking up real close behind them... quietly slipping the hand inside, and as soon as they grasped the wallet, turning and heading directly in the opposite direction. We cancelled all the cards right away, and thankfully, he didn't have ANY money in there!
Today, as I was walking back home after hitting a few shops, I saw coming towards me two women, obviously tourists (always detectable, because they are not speaking Latvian or Russian!) with backpack type purses on. Right behind them, too close for comfort, a pack of gypsy lady pick-pockets. Not knowing what else I could do, I just yelled out, "Ladies, watch your bags!" and kept walking. I can only hope that they heard me and registered that my message was one for them to pick up on.
I just cannot tell you how infuriating these pick pockets are. They are everywhere, and they target anyone not speaking Latvian/Russian. Unfortunately, this leaves JS and I as targets as well, since we speak English between ourselves. Also, unfortunately, these people make a lot of money doing what they do, and so we can only try to protect ourselves.
So, for those of you out there that don't think it will happen to you... it can and will, if you don't take precautions!
Obviously, if you are traveling in a country where you don't speak the language, you can not help having to speak English, but if this is the case, then let me give you some clues!

-Don't carry a backpack purse! You're asking for trouble. Take only what you need when you leave the house, so that you can fit it all in a smaller purse that you can carry some other way.
-If you're carrying a purse that hangs on one shoulder, across your body, carry it in front of you, not behind you. This is how I almost got done, and I'm sure how JS got done.
-Best bets, carry a bag with a zipper... and keep it zipped!
-Gentlemen, don't carry your wallet in your pocket! Put it in your coat, in an inside pocket!
-Lastly I can only say that no matter where you are, no matter what time of day, just BE AWARE. They are everywhere, and they will get you!

I hate to be so untrusting, but sadly, this is how it is here. And it sucks that I and all my friends here have started to stereotype the gypsies to be the ones that are doing this, and therefore feel less safe around people that look a certain way... but I tell you what... it happens, or you see it happen one too many times, and it's hard to forget who they are and what they look like! And they look shady. If you happen to look them in the eye, you see only cold, heartless beings. They don't care that you have worked a 40, 50 or 60 hour week, at a job that you fought to get, after gaining a degree that kicked your ass... they don't care. They want what they see as "theirs" and they will take it. So, just watch yourself, and WATCH YOUR POCKETS!!!

Moving

Well, the time has come again, ladies and gentelmen for me to move house... this will be the 4th time in two years (moving to Latvia, from Brivibas iela to GG's, from GG's to Blaumana iela, and now from Blaumana iela to Alksnaja iela)....and who knows what nth time in my life.
Funny thing is, for as many times as I've moved, I still really suck at it. Every time I moved when I lived in Kalamazoo, I just threw all my stuff in bags, clothes baskets, etc and into my car! Then I drove as many trips as I needed to get it all from one place to the other. When I moved to China of course, it was a very different deal. I packed clothes, lots of clothes and toiletries... and a few household items that were so special to me, that I just wanted them with me. Of course, over the next two years in China I accumulated a whole lot of stuff, a lot of which I ended up selling in my "getting the hell out of China" sale, or just giving away to my ayi (oh, how I miss my ayi). When I moved to Latvia, I actually had to pack boxes, and ship stuff. But then I got to Latvia... and every move here has been the same... throwing stuff into bags, baskets and suitcases and packing up some dear helpful friend's car.
This is what I will be doing again on Sunday. Actually, I have just spent the greater part of the afternoon throwing stuff into random boxes (most don't close on top), bags, suitcases, etc... and on Sunday we will start the big move. It scares me to look at how much stuff there is, considering how much/little space there is where I am going.
I have been looking forward to having all of my stuff in one place for months now, desperately so in the last month. But it will be interesting to see how it all fits, and what this will mean in JS's and my new life together. Although we have been "playing house" already for these last few months, there still was the opportunity to be separate if the need ever arose. Of course, it happened a lot less for me than for JS... but we leave that to different personalities and the differences between men and women. As more of my stuff accumulates at Alksnaja iela, but none of my shelves or anything are there yet, a lot of my stuff has just being left around in little piles. Sometimes, it does get overwhelming, and I wish I did have a place to put it all. But, at times, my pile of odds and ends is right next to JS's pile of odds and ends. JS's favorite comment lately has been, "What is this stuff, put it away!" And when I ask, where am I supposed to put it, and why do I have to move my stuff, but he doesn't have to move his, he says, "it's my apartment, and it's MY stuff!" Obviously, this little argument will no longer hold water in a week. (My official move in date is March 1, even though we're starting the moving now.)
Ah, so anyway... it will be interesting to see how it goes... how life changes, how our daily life changes... even though we for all purposes have actually been living together for a while, it will probably still be different now.
And, as many of you know, this will be the very first time that I live with a man in my adult life. It is a big deal. :) I am very excited about it. Now I just wish the moving fairy (Ms. NS, she's friends with the dish fairy, I think.) would come and finish my packing, and fly it all over, and up the four flights of stairs at Alksnaja iela. :)

Why I became a vegetarian

Most of you will probably already know why.

So here it is...

Back when I was at university, I used to babysit a lot for a family that was vegetarian. They certainly never pressed their views on me... but we used to talk about it a lot. They were even so good about it, that when I babysat for them at seminars and such out of town (where they would put me up in the hotel with them, feed me, etc) they would be fine with me ordering meat, and paying for it. They were totally cool. We did have a lot of conversations about the violence involved in meat production though. I did realize that this went against everything that I believed in deep down gut style. I have always had troubles even watching very violent movies, so how could I continue my life knowing that a choice I was making was putting animal after animal through extreme cruelty and suffering? After a few months, there came a day when I realized I hadn't had any meat for about three weeks, and I decided to see if I could keep going. Sometime soon after I realized that not only had my horrible bowel issues seemed to lessen, but I didn't miss meat. And then the choice was made. I was going veg, and not turning back. It the only decision I've ever made that I didn't question or second guess. It felt completely right on a body and soul level.
The longer I continued on my path, the more I read about being a vegetarian, the more my choice resounded with me. I have learned that I have a less negative impact on animal lives, on my own body, on the environment at large. No, I have not gone vegan, but it is a choice I think about. I can see it being something I do someday.
Something I face in the future is how I will raise my children. My initial thought is to do it vegetarian. But there are things that make this choice more complex. For instance, the man that I hope will father my children is a meat eater. They will be his children as well, and he will of course have a say. This leads me to possibly allowing only hunted or organic meat on rare occasions. With no solid scientific evidence that children need meat to be healthy, I don't consider this aspect at all influential in my choice. In fact, for as much as I know... children who don't consume dairy products tend to be healthier, with fewer ear infections and colds in infancy and childhood. Also, on this same point, since there is no scientific evidence one way or the other... I don't see raising a child vegetarian as any different than raising them within a certain religion or other value. As parents, we make choices for our children until they are old enough to do so for themselves. We generally make these choices based on our own beliefs... and if we are good parents, we respect the choices that our children make once they do reach the age of personal decision making. Some would argue that if they have not developed a "taste" for meat during their formative years, that they will never want it. I argue this with the simple example of all the foods that I now eat that I never even heard of as a child. Tofu, many green vegetables, and loads of ethnic flavors fall into this category. If the taste is one you're meant to like, you'll like it whether you eat it from birth or not. So, we'll see.
What concerns me most about the choice to be vegetarian is the way we can make a difference in the environment. The way that animals are raised, kept and slaughtered right now has a major affect on the environment. Living in a time when environmental issues are becoming bigger and bigger, living a "greener" life seems only to make sense. There is also the matter of all the shit that is pumped into animals while they are being "grown". That shit ain't meant to be going into our bodies! Even if meat doesn't in and of itself have a negative affect on one's body, meat pumped up with all that crap surely does. Another reason why I would rather not offer it down my children's throats. This of course, does leave the option of organic or hunted meat as an option...which is why I am not completely shut down to it.
I know this is a majorly hot topic... JS himself says that for every article or book or body of research that I can find supporting my views, he can find just as many supporting his own. Who knows... maybe he can. But are they funded by the cattle industry, the dairy farmers...all the people who are making money off of these products? Either way... when there is so much information out there, when taking into account having a positive or negative affect on the world at large, I would rather err on the side of positive, and not make meat-eating a part of my life.
So...there it is... why I became a vegetarian. And to this day, some 6 years later, I have never regretted it.

So...

I've been MIA for how long? Well... I'm pretty sure Ms. Non-Sequitor is the only one who ever checks in here anyway... :)

The holidays were great... check out assorted pictures at the Aussies flickr site. There are some from his trip to Thailand for his younger bro's wedding as well. (Oh and yes, if you're wondering... he is one of 4 brothers, and he is now the only one left unmarried. Just sayin'.)

Now, it's January...oops, no, that's over... it's February. Winter has arrived in Latvia with no welcome from me. It's been snowy and last night as I walked home from the Aussie's, I heard it was -18C. Yeah. This morning I said fuck it, and actually put on long underwear under my pants. Can I just say that I am SO against long underwear? I don't ever want to live anywhere else where that many layers are necessary! If someday I suddenly desire snow, I'll go on a trip. Really. Is it spring yet?

Well, the nice thing is that even if the weather has gone to shit, at least the sun is doing it's bit in becoming a part of life around these parts again. It's officially getting light before 8am again. I'm no longer walking the whole way to school in complete darkness. That is very cool. And even better than that, it's staying light out until nearly 5:30! Whooohooo!!! Well anyway... that's the weather report.

Very cool thing? My little brother is here! When I say little I, of course mean, like two feet taller than me, but none the less younger. :) He flew in just this past Tuesday, and will stay until the 20th. So far, it's awesome to see him, and catch up. We haven't seen each other since the summer of 2005!

In other big news... I have a change of address coming in about two weeks. Yes, I am happily turning the page on my days at "God's price" apartment, and moving in with, yes, that's right, the Aussie. Yes, it will be a tight squeeze. Yes, I pray for the safety of my cat. Yes, we will have to move again soon because the Aussie's landlord is selling soon, and we'll be outta there. But, it will mean no more hlaf my stuff here, half there. No more missing my cat, and feeling like a horrible pet owner because I haven't even seen him in a week. No more not having something I want or need. No more running out of clean clothes and having to wear dirty ones. And, yes, it will somewhat officially now be "we" instead of me. And certainly "ours". :)

OK.... I have some other thought swirling in my head about things I could blab on about here... family, being a vegetarian, and why, and others...but for now... I'm going to leave it at this, and hopefully come back soon to touch on those others. I know I'm letting down my public (even if there are only two of you - AW I think you might be a loyal checker-in too). So I'll try to come back... oh, and maybe I'll even touch on the evils of "reality" tv. :)

That's it for now.

Roadtrip

With the NATO Summit descending on Riga this past Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday, it was high time to hightail it out of town. JS and I went on a road trip!

We started in Latvija visiting a couple of cities that neither of us had been to. Ventspils and Liepaja are both coastal cities... probably bustling with life in the summer when their beaches draw crowds from all over Latvia and probably other places as well. But on a cool winter day, when the winds are blowing in off the sea, the streets were deserted. Ventspils was especially, eerily quiet.

Ventspils and Liepaja are both nice cities but without summer on their side, neither left much of an impression on me. Ventspils had a castle. Liepaja had a war prison. Both full of history that would make you cry.

The day we left Liepaja it was nice there. But as we kept driving the fog got thicker and thicker until JS was driving with visibility reaching not far beyond the front end of the car. I slept for part of this, but when I woke to the dark (yeah, it was 4 or 4:30) and saw the effect that the dark coupled with the fog had, I decided to stay awake and do what I could to help the situation. Helping does not include I learned, yelling about staying on the road, watching out for the braking car in front of us, or slowing down so I could see some damn road signs so that I could do my job as navigator. But all that aside, we made it to Druskininkai in one piece, and weary, but not actually angry with each other. We found the hostel. Found a grocery. Bought more food than we could eat. Ate, and went to bed.

The next morning we visit Grutas Parks, also known as Stalin World. This park includes all monuments of Stalin, Lenin and many other Communist leaders collected from all over Lithuania. Can I just say, there were more statues of one person than I would ever want to see, and the scary part is that these were just the statues from Lithuania!!! Seeing something like this opens your eyes to understand only minorly what it might have been like to live in this time. It was another foggy and somewhat chilly morning in Grutas Park, and I can't say I was sad to leave.

After leaving Druskininkai we headed to Trakai. Another city with another castle. This one is special because the castle is built on a peninsula, so it's really out there in the middle of a lake. Funny thing is, Trakai is a small city... but JS and I could not find the proper place to visit the castle! Doing our best to decipher signs written in Lithuianian (which for those of you who don't know, is similar enough to Latvian that I could decipher lots) we still managed to pull into and park in a place that had restricted parking reserved for castle employees only. And then we even had the audacity to leave the car, get out and walk around a part of the castle, that I'm pretty sure isn't even open to visitors! When we figured out we were in the wrong place we left. But I have to say, several people saw us, and no one said a word.

When we found the castle, which was NOT as easy to find as you might think because of the FOG we were happy to see that it was indeed in the middle of the lake and pretty cool. It has been rebuilt and restored extensively, so was pretty cool to visit. Funnier yet? While at this particular site, Latvian was the language we heard most! Turns out we weren't the only ones who thought to escape the Summit to Lithuania!

After seeing the castle, we tried to leave Trakai. It wasn't really so hard, except the first couple of turns... which had us turning the wrong direction onto a one way street only to hear someone honking at us, and turning just in time to see that it was a police officer, probably shaking his head at the foreigners. Thankfully, JS didn't complete the turn, and the police drove on. Driving to Vilnius was a pleasant less-foggy, more-daylight type drive. It was also much shorter.

Vilnius it turns out is a very nice city as well. But I kept walking around it saying, "It reminds me of a place I know!" Riga and Vilnius are VERY similar in my opinion. Old town is practically identical, except that Vilnius actually has some hills and stuff. And Vilnius has more churches... hard to believe I know, but it does. Vilnius, like Riga, is full of history....old buildings, a castle, very old churches, cobble-stone streets, and museum and monument one after another. Although, outside Old Town, Vilnius was decidedly less Soviet. Whether it's always been that way, or they have simply recovered more quickly, I don't know... but that was nice as well. Vilnius also has it's fair share of one way streets and construction going on, which made for interesting driving on our way back to our hostel from the movie we saw one night. Ok, ok, I take responsibility for leading JS to drive up the one way street this time. It was my fault. I didn't actually realize what that little red arrow on the map meant at the time. But rolling through the stop sign when another car was coming from the other direction with no stop sign, thereby inducing me to yelp and stomp on the "passenger side brake pedal" was totally his fault. Totally. But I'm sorry I made him jump. And then get pissed at me. Oops. *blush*

In Vilnius we visited the Genocide Museum. It is housed in an actual KGB building, the basement floor of which has been untouched since the KGB evacuated in 1991, aside from putting up a couple displays to make it more like a museum. It's frightening though really. You visit a place like that. And you hear what happened in every cell. The torture. The lack of respect for human life. The murder. You see what they slept on. What they wore. Where they were solitarily confined. Where they scratched their names into the walls, most believably with their fingernails, lest they be never found and forgotten. And then you go upstairs and you read the stories of the individuals who actually survived these things. And those who didn't. You see their belongings, collected and displayed. And you want to believe that this all happened years ago. In such ancient history. And then you realize that it didn't. That this is recent histroy. And worse yet, you can imagine, that similar things are still occuring around the world, some that we hear about and others that we don't. And you leave such a place, not really knowing what to do with yourself.

We left Vilnius after climbing to the top of the castle which afforded us a view of the nearest buildings shrouded in fog. JS swears that on a sunny day, you can see til the city limits. Ah well, maybe next time.

On our way home, because that is where we were already headed, we stopped at the Hill Of Crosses. Another truly inspiring sight. A quite large area (JS has the book... I forget exactly how big, but quite large indeed) covered, simply stacked with crosses. This hill has a history dating back many centuries...but even just it's contemporary history is amazing. Lithuanians used this hill as a symbol of faith and hope. And as a place to honor their fallen. Over the years, the hill and all its crosses were bulldozed 4 times by the Soviets, who saw it as a highly inappropriate display (gosh, we don't like it when someone shows the world how many people we're killing, HUH?). But the Lithuanians came back every time, and even through guards and other barricades, continued to rebuild the Hill of Crosses. The crosses range from twice my height to tiny, tiny ones... but it is estimated that 50,000 crosses now adorn the spot. Some have names on them, others poems and others stand blank a silent intention in its being. JS and I didn't add any crosses, although these days people of all faiths travel from near and far to visit this site. It was something to see.

The rest of the ride home was free of upsets or adventures. We had a slight scare at the kilometers upon kilometers of semi-trucks parked at the border that we thought we were going to have wait behind. And then were delighted to find that our passage was only delayed a few minutes unlike some of the trucks who had already been waiting days or weeks. Something to do with NATO. If we hadn't gotten through the way we did, I'm fairly certain that even if the line had been moving, we'd still be sitting there now, and I would not be coming to the end of what will surely be my longest blog entry to date.

Welcome back to Riga. Welcome back to work. Good news? The Summit gave us Mon-Wed off... which means, we have a two day week, and another glorious weekend is upon us. :)

Winter Blues

I haven't been blogging... I haven't been doing much of anything.

Winter is here... and with its arrival, departs my desire to, well... do anything. I wouldn't go so far as to say die... because that would be a little extreme, and possibly worriesome to some close people who might read this. But, winter does not make me want to jump for joy.

Born in June, I love the summer. Give me warmth. Give me sunshine. Give me long days, with short nights. Give me picnics and beaches and driving with the windows down.

I have to wonder how closely my spirit is related to that of the bear. I really feel like I just could hibernate. I know, I know... my body couldn't... but my soul surely could!

The only thing winter really makes me want to do is travel to warm places and cook and bake. Since travel is much more expensive than cooking... you can guess which one I am doing more of. And you see... when you combine all that cooking and baking with not wanting to do anything else... well you end up eating way more calories than you need. And worse yet? Bundling up in a big fuzzy sweater only makes you look bigger.

It's a tough time, this winter you see. If I didn't have enough things plagueing me mentally as it is... now you can add in the winter blues... which just plain brings down everything.

I heard once in a seminar I took that most women think quite often (once a day?) that they must be crazy. Because this is how often we feel that our experience simply cannot be similar to that which others experience. Hearing that obvioulsy made an impact on me, as 5 years later, I still remember it being said. It's nice to know you're not alone. I certainly know I am not the only person out there who doesn't look forward to winter. I just wish I could take everything that I had here (ok, the whole country) and move it a few degrees south... like 15. :)

So... my solace is that even though it's already dark at 4pm here in Latvia... at least it's still 10 degrees C out there. It snowed once... but then it all melted and went away. And now... if the snow can hold off again... we only have to make it through February before the days start getting noticably longer again, and eventually it will warm up. And hopefully, I won't have eaten too many baked goods in that time, and will be able to lounge on the beach happy once again.

It's been such a long time...

since I posted!

Lord! And so much has happened... but.... does it all need to be on here? I don't think so...

Why be a teacher ? Cause we get vacations... way more than almost any other job. It's one of the perks. I am enjoying the last day of my October holiday by doing nothing. So far, it's almost 2pm and I am still not dressed... and have done nothing more than watch tv and hang out on the net. Ah...

But, at the beginning of the week I was in London (perk of teaching overseas...you can go way more fun places when you have vacations...)

London was nice. Why? Well, I'll tell you. London is FULL of good looking yummy tasting restaurants. Latvia... well... there sure are a lot of restaurants... but the variety leaves much to be longed for. Now, in London, I have to say, it was like Indian/Chinese/Indian/Thai/Indian... but you know? That was JUST fine by me. Also, in London... people are quite aware about things... one of the PUBS we ate at had on it's menu a note at the bottom that they only used organic produce and free-range meat products. How lovely is that? And everyplace listed that their food was non-gm (genetically modified). Another big plus. Also, every single place we went to had more than one choice for vegetarians...and it wasn't just potatoes or boring pasta. Ah....refreshing. And I cannot forget that I did have the best ice cream on the planet... Ben and Jerry's. Will try to post the picture of me enjoying it when I get it off the Aussie's camera. :)

Next best thing? Shopping!!!! Now... Latvia has lots of shopping. But here is what I find about the shopping here... all the stores are full of the latest trends, the hottest fads (often bad, cheap renditions at that). This might be fine for the highly fashion conscious, and those concerned with what they look like standing on the corner late at night (which admittedly, is a rather large population) but for me... who tends to go for a simpler look and looks that last... again, Latvia leaves something to be desired. But in London... well they have everything! The best thing was that I was finally able to purchase a pair of planet/animal friendly vegan Earth shoes. They are super cute, and feel wonderful to walk in. :) Yes, again I am breaking all Latvian fashion rules by sporting shoes that have NEGATIVE heel technology (the heel actually sits lower than the rest of your foot, somehow improving your posture) as opposed to 3-inch stilletos... but, here's how much I care... less than at all!

After the fact? Well... the best realization that came with the return trip was that the Aussie and I made it through our first holiday without a single squabble, upset or any other unhappy disturbance. Good news for a new relationship... :)

So... that's my October break coming to an end... now the countdown to the next holiday... when Riga will shut down for three days in November for the NATO summit. We'll end up with a five day weekend just to break things up a bit before the winter holidays.

A cat without balls, toasters and B12's...

I love my cat... we all know I do... but here is the thing... he's crazy.

He got his balls cut out (you know, so he wouldn't be able to make any more cat babies that no one would want to take care of...) and now he's bonkers. A friend says this is just plain proof that now we really know what the males of a species think with. Maybe.

He chews on metal things like the rails on our porch. This he does only at the times when he isn't actually trying to jump off the fourth story balcony. I guess he's never actually tried to jump... but, he sure does scare the shit out of anybody who is home on a daily basis with his balcony antics.

The craziest thing he does now though... well... actually, to be fair to the little guy, we don't know WHICH of the cats is doing it... it could very well be DS's cat as well... but anyway... ONE of them is pooping on my bathroom rugs once a week. Hmmm. Not cool. I've never stepped in it yet... and I better freaking not ever... cause the rug is right next to the box, and I don't care if the box already has some poop in it... you better use the box. I've used outhouses... I've even used port-a-potties that are damn near full... no, it's not the most pleasant experience, but dammit... you don't see me shitting on the rug. :)

But you know what... even if my little guy is crazy now... ok wait, he's not little anymore... he is already way bigger than my old cat ever was. He's a huge cat, and he's only 6 months. But anyway... the thing about him is this... even if he is crazy, he is SO freaking lovable. He is a cuddler. He loves to be pet. He will sit in your lap and purr, purr, purr. He lets you pet his belly and cover him in kisses. And we even have a little thing worked out....he always sleeps on my left side tucked in near my waist.

It is very cool having a cat. And I love my cat. I know I've said this before. But, he is really just so cool. :)

In other news... I bought a toaster yesterday. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone... but, I haven't had a toaster in years. In China, I think they were rare and expensive. I toasted bread in the oven. Do you know how long that takes? By the time you heat up the oven... a long time! Then I moved here, and still didn't have a toaster, and still wanted one. I learned to toast bread on the stove, in a pan... but that more so burns the bread, rather than just toasting it. So yesterday I laid down my 12.62Ls, and I got myself a toaster... but, you know... you'd think this would be easy... it wasn't all that...

We (Ds and I) went to Rimi Hypermarket... it's a superstore with about 1/3 of the stuff that, lets say, Meijer has...but it's the biggest superstore this side of the Daugava. Anyway... I go to the toaster section and find the cheapest one that is made by a name I know. Philips. Good. I can do that. Now, I look on the shelf, and there only appears to be the one display one. No more. Damn. So I look around to see if I can find someone to help me. Hmmm... nope.

So I walk to the next section of the store... there's a guy in a red Rimi shirt working in the sporting goods... maybe he can. So I go up to him and ask, "Can you help me find someone who works in that section?"
He answers, "There is no one."
Me, "What do you mean, no one?"
Him, "No one works in that section anymore."
Me, "So, what should I do? I just want to buy a toaster."
"Well... no one works in that section."
"So I can't buy a toaster today? Toasters are no longer for sale?"
"Well, no, I guess..."
"Can YOU come help me?" I start to walk away, implying that he just better follow...
"I don't know anything about this department..."
"I just need to find a toaster!"

So we go, and look, and he concludes that indeed the display toaster is the last of its kind. So I ask him if I can take it. He says why not. So we start to pack it up! This becomes a team effort because inside the box is more boxy stuff and plastic stuff and papers and you just need more than two hands. I'm just closing the top flap having figured out the right angle at which to insert the toaster and which cardboard went where when a woman in a red shirt walks around the corner.

"The toasters are all here!"

Man from the sporting goods department turns to see his colleague who "doesn't exist" because no one works in this section anymore. He gets all perplexed, "What are YOU DOING HERE? No one works in this department anymore!"

Meanwhile I feel like a bit of a jackass, but mostly, I just want my toaster and to get on with my shopping. So I say to the lady, "What should I do?"

She says, "Just go take one of those toasters. It's ok, I'll unpack this one."

And so I went and got my toaster... which was on an aisle end display, and got on with my shopping.

I bet you never knew it was so hard to buy a toaster. Toasters are the kind of thing I certainly used to take for granted. Not anymore.

When I got home, I made some toast, and buttered it, and put some Vegemite over the butter. Vegemite is my new favorite spread. I like it on bread and crackers. I'm not quite JS yet... I don't put it on literally EVERTHING... but I do like it.... and DID YOU KNOW??? Apparently vitamin B12 is a happy vitamin. It keeps your spirits up. Well, Vegemite is chock full of B vitamins... and I have been feeling quite happy lately! Who knew? Not me! So I figure SOMEONE better get me a LARGE jar of Vegemite to get me through the winter. :) I like being this happy... and while I was attributing it to some other factors in my life... if Vegemite is going to help... then bring on the Vegemite!

So... a cat without balls, toasters and B12's... that's life these days. It's good. Better yet, it's Friday afternoon, and we're off to the bar. See you later...

With my morning cup of tea...

I head to the bus stop every morning cup of tea in hand. No, no, I'm not talking about a little tea cup... I'm talking about 16 fl oz of steaming hot tea, kept safe and at temperature in one of my fancy schmancy beautiful Starbucks insulated tumblers.

Well guess what? I am one of three people in all of Riga that have such a cup, and so that makes me weird.

Every morning I get stare after stare... people look at me twice, three times... "Is she carrying a cup? What does she have in there?" they wonder. Futher more, why would you EVER carry a cup with you while you're walking?

On the bus it only gets worse. I'm usually chilling out to some chants on my iRiver as well... so I'm oblivious to what is going on around me...I've got my warm tea, and my music... it's almost therapeutic. But then I feel it... the stare.

I look to my left... stinky old man is looking from my face to my ear to my cup, Face, ear, cup. He can't figure me out. Then I feel it again. I look to my right. Mismatched, over-coloured, skirt too short, boots to pointy girl is glaring, eyes holding the stare as if in combat with the cup.

Then, here comes the killer... the conductor apporaches. She wants my money, but apparently she's been up since 4, and also wants someone to talk to. So, I grudgingly take one ear piece out.

She asks me, "What is that?"

"A cup, my tea," I reply.

"Tea? I thought that was a vase! How do you get tea in there? Does it stay warm?"

"Yes, the top comes off. But when you put it back on, it stays warm for a couple hours at least."

"Well, if you've got your tea, where are your buscuits?"

"In my bag," I lie... because while I already ate my breakfast pb&j sandwich on my way to the bus stop, I do have my lunch packed and in my bag.

The conductor laughs... thinking me too funny, that clearly I am packing my whole kitchen on my person every morning. I smile, and hope this exchange has come to an end.

Not so lucky. The conductor decides to drive right on to further intricacies. Since she knows all about my habits, she naturally assumes that I want to know all about hers. So I get the full scoop on how the life of the conductor is "not as glamorous as it might seem." And when she gets up, and when she gets to eat, and how to keep all that food from just making her "thicken up"... and then somehow that just moves right on to how difficult her job is, and how they hold the conductors and the drivers of the busses accountable for everything. I hear stories of spilled drinks and nicked paint... none of which is anyone's fault, but it comes out of their pay. Finally,

"Basteja Bulvaris. Nakama pietura, Kipsala." Thank god... we've arrived at the next stop. More passengers climb on, and the conductor is swept away with making sure that every person that climbs on pays their 20 santims.

I make a quick turn, move towards the door. I have to get off at the next stop, and the closer I am to the door, the better. I shove the ear piece back in my ear... relieved to hear an "Om". I look down and realize that I am still clutching my own 20 santims. Somehow, I never managed to pay the lady while we were talking. As she walks by, I reach out my hand. She looks at me, smiles, pushes my hand back. I guess I paid with my attention this morning...

All because of the cup.

Will I stop carrying my tea in a cup every morning? No. I won't stop. However, I might just try to ignore the feel of the stare, so as not to make eye-contact. Although, I'm sure there will be some other morning when unsuspecting, half asleep, I might follow the pull of eyes... and land myself in another conversation, about the cup.

Travel should be cheap

This is just how I feel today. Traveling should be cheap. It just should. If it wasn't so damn expensive people would do it more... and then we'd have a happier world. And people would see more, see how things REALLY are other places... and then I think that people would be more accepting of how others are.

But mostly, today, I think travel should be cheap because I miss my friends all over the world... I miss people in the US, in China, in Australia (some I haven't even met yet!), in England, other parts of Europe... there are so many people all over the world to miss! And it SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS when things are going on in their lives and you can't be a part of it because there is this stupid thing called distance between you.

And me choosing one location to stay put in would have no effect on this... because there would still be people elsewhere to miss. This is my life. I am not a stay in one place kind of girl (at least not yet). Until I am, I guess people will be far away, and that is why I think travel should be cheap.

I miss my friends.

To be or not to be...

friends with an ex?

Well... I know how I feel about it.

let's take a look... possible situation...

You look over the bar... your eyes meet... you gravitate towards each other... you end up dancing all night... you THINK you know his name... as you stumble home from the bar together, you know his name, where he works, and that you think he's HOT. You fall in bed. The next morning, you roll over, look at each other... share a morning-breath kiss, laugh... you can tell this is actually going to go somewhere.

You spend the whole day together, and the next week... A month later, all you know is you're in a relationship and quite happy about it. More months pass... you find reasons to spend time together... you find out about each other's emotional and intelligent sides... maybe you meet some family... you find the things that you can tolerate doing together... even though your taste in music, books (he hasn't read one EVER), and food are totally different... you find that you can compromise on which movies to watch, which bars to drink at, and which sexual position to assume. Things are good. You're happy getting to know someone... although, quite alarmingly, as you get to talking more and more about the things that are most important to you in life... you find out that these things are just as different as your shoe size.

Another month goes by, and you realize that, without bars and sex, this relationship hasn't got much going for it. It's not that you don't love him... because you do... after 6 months of playing house together, you know each other's routines... you know how to please each other, what to do to make the other one smile... but you also KNOW that you will not be able to fulfill each other's desires in life... not just that, but you will not even be able to walk down a similar path together... so even though daily life *is* ok... it's time to end it. So now... when you take away the sex and the bars... is it really worth "staying friends"? (Even though you were NEVER friends to begin with?)

I would answer this question with a resounding no. If friendship isn't where it started, then friendship is NOT where it's going to end. At least not in my experience so far.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I firmly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all. After HG I almost lost that one... but, luckily, I can still see the good that came out of that... and I am glad for having had the experience. But, does that mean that I should try to be friends with him? No.

I have loved many times in my life. They have been different kinds of loves... some serious, some not so much... some that masked themselves as love, when what I was really searching for was some love of self... but they have ALL been worth it. I have gained something from each and every relationship and emotion that I have had. And I do not regret any of them. None. But does that mean that I should remain friends with them? No.

People come in and out of your life. Some stay... some just leave an impression. (I know there is some great quote about this thought, but I can't remember it right now...) When it comes to relationships ending, I find that it is better to let them end. Even in the few cases when I have TRIED to remain friends with an ex... one of two things happen... 1) you end up having sex again, or getting hurt again, because one of you continues to have feelings etc, that the other one doesn't, or 2) you really quickly run out of things to talk about and then you stop "being friends" anyway, or someone gets hurt... because, you spent all that time together, when if you ran out of things to talk about, you could just kiss and hug and have sex and pretend that you didn't run out of things to talk about... but when sex is no longer an option... and you run out of things to talk about... you're screwed. So... why put yourself through that?

Now... if you started off as friends... knew each other a long time, or even a short time, but none-the-less started off as friends, and then just gave it the "Could this be something more?" that turned into the "Oh God, no, this is SO not anything more"... there is a chance that you could remain friends after a substantial break from each other. (Enough time to get the thought of each other's naked body out of your head.) This is your only chance.

This is my experience... and this is my blog... so what I say goes. :) So when my ex is now emailing me, asking me why I'm giving him the silent treatment, I told him straight up... I'm not... I'm just moving on.

And that is NOT to say that if I see him on the street I won't be polite... God help me, when I do run into him (he lives so close, it's BOUND to happen) I will be alone, and not with my new beau... but when I run into him, I will say hi, politely ask how he's been... tell him how I am... I will smile, and I will give a little laugh remembering how things used to be between us (because at one point, it was VERY good)... and then I will say, it was nice to see you... I wish you all the best... and I will walk away... with no lies about "we should get together" or "I'll call you", because we shouldn't... and I won't. But I will treasure our memories as a part of my experience forever... I will thank you for having helped make me the person I am today... because without you, I would not be the same...but, what we had is over now... and it shall remain as a part of my past... and we will not be friends.

And so I say, it is not to be...

Men are from Mars...

Women are from venus... I never read the book... but, I have a friend who did. And lets face it... I've lived through enough relationships to know that men and women just plain function differently when it comes to these things, and to think that we don't is just absurd.

Roomie and I saw the movie The Break-up last night... which rather amusingly was translated as Breaking up American Style by the Latvian theater. This is just great because now all these people will think that this is really the way that it happens in America... that we ALL pull the kind of shenanigans that "Brooke" and "Gary" pulled in the movie. But I digress...

Before I could even thinking about the movie, Vince Vaughn disturbingly much reminded me of the ex HG. Whoah. I didn't really mind, but it was just at first, a little hard to get into the movie.

I liked the movie though. Why did I like it? Because I could follow it. Even if I couldn't exactly relate to the silly things that they did to each other, I could certainly relate the things she was feeling. I probably woulnd't have been as strong as to not take him back at the one point, especially given that what's his name was just there about the art. Although... I have recently been strong enough to get rid of a couple guys when I know it's no longer working... even if it does take a few tries. So maybe I would have. Who knows.

Anyway... the point here is... that the eccentric Ms. NS wanted me to make a new post and this is what is on my mind. I don't think you have to read the book (Mars, Venus) to know and understand that men and women deal with relationships differently.

All this has been actual in my life in the last week as well. The new boy and I just went through a small Mars/Venus type moment. It was about personal space. His need for it, my lack of a need for it. We've dealt with it now, and all is well again in "our" world. Which is good. Cause, even though it's raining every day, and some days the sun isn't even shining anymore... the world still seems a little brighter when he smiles at me.

Life moves right along...

Life doesn't stop. And when you know something is over, then it can really be over, as long as you let go. I let go. And my previous relationship ended without a hitch. There was no drawn out drama. There was no prolonged heartache. It was one day of feeling like, "Whoah, what?" And that was only because it happened so suddenly. But the next morning I woke up feeling happy and free. There was no regret. I didn't have to erase his phone number or his email address. I didn't have to worry about doing something stupid like calling him drunk, or going back to him. The relationship was over. And life moved on.

It didn't take long... because he was already there. The feelings had already been brewing for someone else. It took a week, and something new has managed to manifest itself. I don't know what it is, how big it will be, how long it will last. But for now... I am enjoying the look of smiling eyes, the feel of a warm hand, the sound of a new voice speaking my name, familiarizing myself with a new scent. And as it always does, this makes the sky seem bluer, the grass greener, the air crisper. Life moves right along... and I'm going with it. :)

All I can say is...

All I can say is that I don't want to give up on love. On real, huge, wonderful love. The kind of love that stops me in my tracks, *almost* makes me forget my life, and then lets me know, THIS is it. I just don't want to give up on that kind of love.

And so for now, I'll just continue to love my wonderful, incredibly sweet, sometimes crazy, totally loving and beautiful cat.

Have you ever watched a little kid eat... I mean really? Ever had the pleasure of trying to talk a kid into eating something that they are just NOT interested in? I have...and for WAY TOO LONG I took it as a challenge...get the kid to eat...and MAKE him/her eat at least some of this, and that, etc.

Did you know that children are born able to listen to their bodies, a skill that most of us adults have long since lost? The studies have been done... the data collected... given a healthy variety of foods, a child will naturally eat a balanced diet in a few days time. Not at every meal. In a few days time. Given a healthy variety of food. Not "McD's or hotdogs?"

I've been working on "conscious eating" for a few months now. Eat what you want, when you want it, and stop when you have had enough. It's such a simple concept that I'm sure MANY would want to argue "It won't work!" Well... I'm keeping my head up, and my hopes too... because I believe that if I give up control long enough, I will regain what I had as a child. Regain the ability for not only my body to know what I need, but the ability for my mind to hear it.

I have been plagued recently with thoughts about the diet industry in America and here in Latvia. While my boyfriend thinks I am beautiful, and is happy with what he's got in me... he told me the other day that a woman we saw on tv who was so skinny you could count her ribs was beautiful. Now, I'm not arguing... she had a pretty face. But her body was a tortured being. No normal well fed adult woman has ribs like that poking out of her sides. Sorry, I don't believe it. And I know this. So, why did I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, and a frown on my face, if I KNOW that this is not a healthy way to be?

Well DS and I discussed today... we're pretty sure we're past "fixing" when it comes to our own attitudes. It's been ingrained in us to feel like we also need to be like this. We're not sure if we can change that now... if we can ever get rid of that little voice... at this point, the fight is to quiet it, to appreciate other things, and hope that that voice will just leave you alone.

My head is a-jumble with thoughts on this subject... the why's and the who's and how come's. Like, even for money, why would corporations want to create a whole world of people who will hate themselves? Who decided in recent history that skin and bones skinny was pretty... and who conceded that it was true? And why, didn't someone, anyone along the way, let me know it was all a lie?

And you know what is worse... the women, we are the ones who suffer about all this... but the men... they have been affected too... when instead of actually seeing beauty where natural beauty lies, men see a bag of bones (sometimes even blown up in select spots with other substances, and colored so many colors of the rainbow) and think, yup, that's pretty.

We've all been lied to. Told that our bodies are dangerous. Ravenous. Not to be trusted. Out to harm us. Work against us. That they are imperfect. Stupid.

Bodies, that WITHOUT intervention can create and sustain life, are too stupid to know what and when and how much to eat. Imagine that.

I for one, am giving the power back to MY BODY. This amazing being that carries me about my daily life... that lets me feel, and experience. I believe in it. I believe in my body's strength to fight against all the harm I have caused it over the years... not just all the crap that I have continually shoveled into it, but also all the hateful words that I have slung at it, hoping that they would change something. I believe in my bodies ability to heal. To show me, that even after great pain and suffering, there is regrowth, renewal, healing. My body knows. My body is willing to share. I am ready to listen.