An update on the sunset...

This photo, taken at 9:47pm shows the state of our sunsets these days. Or mostly, just shows the fact that they are not happening until very late! :) This is one thing I will indeed miss about Latvia.

And who doesn't need some gratuitous cat cuteness shots? Gee, I love this guy. :)

A trip down memory lane...

So, of course, with this whole thing happening yesterday, it brought up a lot of conversation about our relationship so far, and who knew what when- as in, which of us knew "this was it" first. I told everyone yesterday that I knew right from the start (like within the first week of casual dating) that he was the guy for me. Of course, no one believes it when you say this. So, I went into my sent emails box, and luckily, my emails go back all the way to 2006- when we met.

In an email dated August 30, 2006 I wrote to AW:

"Marriage... we haven't actually talked about it. I don't get the impression that he is against it. Who knows. I seriously, cannot stop thinking that this is REALLY the guy I am going to marry. WHAT THE FUCK? :)"

There you go! And, anyone (around) can ask DS- I was living with her at the time that I met Joel, and if anyone heard it, it was her. And I remember that time oh so well- I was trying so hard NOT to get attached quickly, but no matter what I did, there was this little voice that would come out of nowhere, whispering, "This is the man you're going to marry..." It freaked me out, and I tried to make it stop because I didn't want to repeat the past- I didn't want to get attached again so quickly only to have it end. No matter what I did, it didn't stop.

I do think it's funny that on August 30 (Joel and I had met at school on August 2,3,4, for a math workshop- and then back to school for teachers was August 14), only two weeks after we started to get to know each other, my friends were already asking if we had talked marriage. Either way, there were ups and downs, but it all led to this, and for that I am grateful.

Actually, yesterday when I was called my friend Kat to tell her the news, I got this overwhelming feeling about the past having led to this. When I think about all of the relationships that are behind me- ones that I fought for (harder than I should have), ones that I struggled in, ones that were just for passing the time, others that were totally fun, others that were huge growing experiences. The thing is there have been a lot of them- and the ones that occurred in the last 5 or 6 years were mostly pretty serious- in more ways than one. They were emotional, they were committed, they were....well, I don't know...they were big. I have always been the one to say that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all- and I still believe that. At this point I am very grateful for all the experiences that I had, because I know that each one contributed in some way to me finding my way here- to these moments.

I'm still pinching myself to see if this is real- I can't really take my eyes off the ring, I can't stop thinking about what it actually means- because for a long time, especially after all those failed relationships, I honestly didn't think this was ever going to happen for me.

But here I am. And I am happy. I love this man, and he loves me. I feel it in my heart, and I see it when I look in his eyes.

It doesn't change anything that I knew I was going to marry him within two weeks of meeting him- it didn't make me have any less totally-insecure-girl freak-outs in the last year and a half. But it is kind of cool. And now, I'll be able to tell my children,"I knew I was going to marry your father from the very beginning." :)

A couple more pics... thanks DS! :)

Just after I saw the board/said yes/peed my pants.

Our friend RL brought champagne which I gratefully sipped while everyone recounted what a surprise this was. :)

Here's a closer look at my happy face, the red rose, and the ring. :)

Now, don't think for a second that we didn't eventually get back to playing the game. :)

Here is Joel strutting his stuff on the runway (or bowling lane as it may be).

And me, throwing my hands up for a "touchdown" move, because I bowled another 7-10 split. :)

After all of this, the people from the bowling alley, who had no advanced notice of this all going down, came up to me and Joel, said a few kind words, and presented us with a gift bag. They said things along the lines of that they hope that we will often return to their hotel (the bowling alley is in the basement), that it will be a place that will stay in our hearts, that we will not be able to walk past without good memories (I chose not to mention that we were moving to Africa!), etc. The gift bag included a Islande Hotel visor, a Islande hotel spa bag of bath items and a Islande hotel t-shirt (size small- how lovely of them to think it would fit!). Anyway, it was just a great afternoon! :)

P.S. I'm just kidding about the peeing my pants thing...I didn't. :)

We're engaged!!!!

Wow, this morning started off funny....

I got up as usual, about a half hour before Joel. I showered and I got dressed (in jeans and a turquoise blue v-neck top- I was going on a field trip today, and I knew I was going to be outside for a large part of the day). Around 7, I woke Joel. He stumbled into the shower.

When he got out, he looked at me and said, "Is that what you're wearing today?" Now, if you know me or Joel, or Joel's attitude on clothes, you know this is a WEIRD question! He went on and on about how I should get dressed up today because he was also going to get dressed up, and it was a good day for getting dressed up.... I *knew* something was up.

Here is the thing though...all along, since we got to the point of knowing that "this was it" Joel has been soooooo unwilling to talk about anything related to the M word (marriage). He told me that he didn't want to talk about stuff, because he wanted the proposal to be a surprise. I never saw how talking about our eventual wedding could ruin the surprise of a proposal, but I sort of accepted what he was saying, and tried not to talk about it too much. I tried. I wasn't very good at it, but I tried. Anyway, so this morning, I found myself thinking, why would be be telling me stuff like this, when he always wanted everything to be such a surprise before??? Anyway, I went with it, and changed my clothes.

At school most everything was normal, and I went on my field trip with my class, and all was good.

Tomorrow is the first of May (Labor Day), and because of that, we have the rest of the week off of school. So, today is like Friday. So, on Monday, Joel and I checked if people would be into going for some drinks and bowling after school today and booked some lanes. Now that I think about it, I guess he was already planning stuff then.

So, we went bowling after the longest staff meeting ever. So we're bowling. It only sort of matters that on my lane I was the first on the board. First game, I started off not so well, and ended up coming in second place. Of course, all the time I'm sort of playing, drinking a lot, and trying not to pay attention to anything else suspicious that might be going on in the background. At one point our colleague/friend SZJ showed up with her kids, and asked Joel to help her take the kids across the river to her parents (who had just flown in from the States, ring in hand!). I tried not to pay attention to it, but found it fishy.

When Joel got back, we had already started the second game of bowling. Now, Joel and I tend to get somewhat competitive over bowling. I was tied for first place with MA and I was bowling for Joel, who was in second place. So Joel and SZJ get back, and they don't just come in, but they are kind of hanging out by the desk of the bowling alley, etc. I totally tried to ignore it, but couldn't help noticing.

So finally, Joel comes in and looks at the board. He says he wants to start over since we only just started the second game- he wants his own fair shot at beating me. I started to argue with him, but he insisted, saying he was going to go back to the desk and ask the lady to reset the game. I warned him that he better not, and then got back into whatever conversation I was having.

So, next think I know, Joel is calling to me that it is my turn to bowl. I turn from my conversation, look up at the board to see if it really shows that it is my turn, and I see that indeed, my name is highlighted, but the board looks different. I didn't notice right away HOW it was different though. So of course, I just start yelling at Joel for reseting the board, and it went about like this:

"Joel, I told you not to do that... I was bowling just fine for you... WHO IS MARRY???" And that is when I realized that instead of having everyone's names in the proper places, the board now said...

It took me 2.2 seconds to realize what was going on, I dissolved... I turned to him- who was holding a box in one hand and a bowling ball in the other. I buried into his chest and was about to start crying when joy just overtook, and I laughed and smiled and smiled some more. :) He was holding a bowling ball though, which he didn't put down, so I had to open the box and take the ring out myself. It fits perfectly! :) (and it is a conflict-free diamond, harvested in Canada if I'm not mistaken...)
The next hour consisted of me just grabbing him, kissing him, cheesing it like I was high, and calling random people (like my parents and best friend's whose phone numbers I have memorized). Finally, I got back to playing- and as you can see- in more ways than one, I won! :)

And so here we are! :)

FYI- we're looking at a summer 2009 wedding in Hawaii! :)

A new haircut!

I've been going long bob-short bob-long bob-short bob for years... it was time for something different! I took the plunge (those of you who know me well, know what a terrible wuss I am when it comes to my hair!) and got a new haircut. Should be zero maintenance, as is my requisite. :)

Straight on
(doesn't look soooo different from my norm)

From the side
(now you see the difference!)

Yeah, ok, so I know it's not like it's totally, totally different- but for me it's a huge change. And the good news is- I like it! :)

A dream

The other night I had a dream. It was rather long and involved (I dream often and vividly, so this is nothing new), but the part of the dream that stayed with me was the end.

I sat at a long table, next to me my younger brother, and next to him, my uncle Val. We were eating. I turned to my uncle Val and I said, "I'm so glad you got through that illness, I'm so glad you're still with us." Then I woke.

My uncle Val passed on of a debilitating illness more than 5 years ago.

When talking to my therapist she asked what my uncle Val represented to me. For me, a quick answer- Val was the uncle we rarely saw because he lived out in California- but he (in my child's eyes) was like a superhero. He was tall, and tanned and muscular. He was funny, and caring and loving. He was a good father and a good husband- fun but willing to maintain boundaries. I remember finding a small frame containing a quote in his house, at his funeral no less, but it read, "The greatest gift a man can ever give his children is to love their mother unconditionally." I don't know if he really did or not- but as far as I know, he did. That is the impression I am left with not having really ever been able to evaluate my uncle Val's and his wife's relationship through adult eyes. They were better off than my parents, weren't they?

It was an odd dream to have- a perplexing one. Why would my subconscious so obviously taunt my conscious mind- having Val be alive and well (he really looked healthy in my dream) when in reality, he is long gone from this physical world.

My therapist suggested that something that he represents to me is alive and well- something that I might consciously doubt surviving, is actually going to make it. What that is, I have no idea. But, if it is so, then let it be so. I'm sure my uncle Val was less saint than I ever held him in my child's memories of him, but all the same- he represented only good in my world.

I look forward to discovering what message this dream may have held.

Summery skin

The weather has been quite nice lately here in Riga mostly because it's been sunny. It's still pretty cold, only reaching 10-12 degrees, but with the sun so brilliant in a clear blue sky it feels like summer is on its way.

Today, when I was sitting inside near a window, bathed in the sunlight streaming through I was warm- bordering on hot even. Pretty soon (hopefully!) I will have that feeling sitting in the sunbeams OUTSIDE, and then we'll know it's time to hit the beer gardens- I've heard there is one already up in Dome Square, although I haven't seen it with my own eyes.

I have been keeping my students outside for extra playtime the last week enjoying this sunshine. Of course, it means I get to be outside too.

I'm sitting here now and my skin feels like summer- kind of grimy from all the dust and dirt that has blown onto it, and tight, dried out by the rays of the sun. It's the same feeling I used to get after spending the day bouncing around my neighborhood or summer camp in the summers of my childhood. It's nostalgic and nice.

Hmm. That's my happy moment for today! :)

Ha ha! Youtube rules! :)

You can learn anything from youtube.com! Look what I can do! This is going to be the hat afterall... It's going to be striped, blue and cream. Perfect for a little boy! :)

More knitting...

After more than a month of no needle-work, I finally picked up my knitting again this week. I finished one side of the bag I started long ago. I obviously still have to make the other side, and the handles- but at least I finished one! It's progress! :)



I started a new project- it'll be a hat for a much smaller head than I've done before. :) According to the pattern, it is supposed to be knitted in the round, but I don't know how to do that yet- so I am kind of hoping that I might be able to knit it straight, and then sew up the seam. I guess we'll see. I only started a small part last night, as you can see- and I might just end up unraveling it, and learning to do it right in the round, or at least moving it to a circular needle, even if I don't do it properly in the round. :) It does have a very cute pattern of 3K1P, which is an easy variation that I just haven't done before.

Wow

It's hard to know how to start writing about this subject. I guess I'll just start from the top.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of spending the day with my extended family here in Latvia, celebrating my goddaughter's second birthday. It was mostly a great day- the weather cleared up and the sun came out around noon, which made for a very pleasant ride up to Ainazi. We were a little late getting out of town, but turns out there while we were just late, there was another carload of people that got lost on the way, and were later than we were! Either way, it all worked out in the end- everybody arrived safe and sound, and the festivities began.

We ate, we drank, we smiled and laughed over the little one and her antics. Her favorite thing to do during the meal was to drink (juice) from a wine glass. You could tell it had nothing to do with the juice, and everything to do with the glass. Very cute. After lunch we had cake and more drinks and just hung out talking.

It was sometime during lunch that one could say the unpleasantness began for me though. This was the first time that we had seen any of these people, aside from my cousin I, since we made our choice to move to Angola. When I told my cousin the big news she was surprised like most people have been, but she thought it was cool, and was excited to share the news with the rest of the family. Of course, they are all bummed that I'm not choosing to stay in Latvia. But mostly, they understand that for us, this is a fun and exciting thing to do- and they support our decision.

There was only one family member that was totally against it- my cousin I's grandmother, who just turned 100 two weeks ago. Her hearing is going, and she can't move too fast, but she actually seems to be relatively with it upstairs still. She always remembers me when I see her, and she always asks about my brothers (who she has never met) and my dad and my uncles. She even remembers Joel. Anyway, yesterday, when I went in to talk to her (yell to her, as the case may be), she started in right away on that she heard that I was moving to Africa, and that I should change my mind now, because it was a mistake. She said she would just cry and cry if I left, because she knows that bad things will happen to me there.

While I was talking to her, another birthday party guest came in and joined the conversation. She is also an older woman- I would guess in her 70s. She also started going on about how dangerous black people are, and how you can't even look at them, or understand them. How they don't even look human since some of them have lighter skin, some darker, some have pink insides of their hands, and some dark. I was not going to be meek about this, so I shot back, and do you and I have the same color hair or skin? Do all of us white people look exactly the same?
Then she told me a story about how once when some important black people came to Latvia (I'm assuming during the USSR era), people were expected to shake their hands. People did as they were told, but "of course" wiped their hands on their clothes immediately after (Oh no! Watch out! Get the germs off, or YOU'LL start turning black too!). Because this was "seen as a sign of disrespect" (because my God what else could it have been?) these people were taken to the police (and I'm assuming punished) because of what they did. She went on to proudly tell a story of how she once refused to ride in a taxi that had a black driver, saying that it would have been the end of her life had she accepted, and thank goodness she's smarter than that.

I went ahead and finished that conversation before I punched her or threw up on her. During lunch though, it started again- Joel and I were repeatedly told that we were going to get eaten by cannibals, caught and tortured and beat by the locals, that we would have students in our classes with guns making attempts to kill us.

The old lady with the great stories, went so far as to just say, "You go ahead and leave Latvia, it'll be a cleaner place without the likes of you here. But you'll see- you'll be back after two years eating your words, and then you'll see you made a mistake." She was nice enough to refer to us as foreigners in her goodbye, wishing us God's help.

I would pretty much say that if I never see that woman again it will be too soon.

There were others making comments though. I could list the rest of the things we were told- that people should all just stay in their God-given lands, and not mix- blacks belong in black countries, whites in white countries. According to these people, the dark skinned people of the world are causing all of today's problems- and if they just stayed in their own countries it wouldn't be a problem- because it is THEM moving around the globe that is the big problem- to which I hotly retorted that all through history, there were a lot less problems when the white people took their guns and diseases and when they wanted to move to a new country, they went there and just wiped out the local populations, instead of trying to live with them. That shut at least one person up for the moment.

Joel and I talked about this whole subject a lot on the drive home. Of course, there are a few things to be said for this- these people are old, and have lived very sheltered lives here in Latvia. They have little to no exposure to any people that don't look like themselves, and we all know that ignorance breeds fear.

What gets me though is that while these people have not been world travelers or lived in multi-racial communities, they have seen a lot of bad stuff in their day. These are people that were alive to remember German occupation and Russian occupation. These are people that had friends and family members murdered on the spot, others sent to Siberia, their lives made hell, etc by the occupying forces. These are people that have endured a lot of ugliness in their lives- and it's all been a product of white people! ALL of the cruelty and devastation that they have seen in their lives has been executed by white forces- so where they get off having such horrible opinions of people they have never encountered, much less lived with, is beyond me.

I know that I come from a generation of people that has started to see beyond skin color. I'm not saying that I am without my own prejudices. I am NOT saying that I am perfect by any means- but AT LEAST any negative attitudes I have are based on my own real experiences with people. I will admit that I have had one or two incidences occur in my life, that seemed to be racially motivated- the black girls in middle school ganging up on me, for no reason I could understand, other than that I was white. But, even that happening didn't stop me from having friends and acquaintances throughout the years of any number of skin colors or races. And thank goodness for that!

I know that I approach this whole thing with my own limited perspective of a young white woman. I know that in other places in the world, these issues are much worse and much better. I know that this is something that will hopefully get better as these attitudes die off with this older generation and although they will be passed down, they will be weaker, diluted versions, until hopefully, when I am part of the older generation, our common message will be more like mine, than what it is now. I can only hope.

For now, I have to say that yesterday fuels me with a renewed passion to be a responsible world citizen- to treat all people with respect and dignity because they are human, and for no other reason. I can't wait to go to Angola now and have the amazing experience that I know I will. I know that the opinions of some won't be changed, and to that I have to say, the sooner they take them to the grave the better. Hopefully for others, like my goddaughter, I will bring new perspectives, and maybe, just maybe have a positive impact on the way she will views these same issues when she is my age.

Summer IS on its way!

Ok, so it's not the best picture (it doesn't show the variety of color that was actually present), but this is a picture of the horizon out my window at 9:30PM tonight! Yes, ok, the streetlights are already on, but still, it is not fully dark at 9:30! :)

Gone Soft

I don't know when it happened, but I've gone soft. I lost my rough city-girl attitude.

I used to walk through the streets of Shanghai and Riga without a care in the world. I walked with purpose. I kept my eyes where I wanted them- usually with a hard stare, I'd challenge anyone who dared look my way.

These days, the walk to the gym terrifies me. I only have to walk about 10 minutes, a couple of blocks to the gym. But, I have to say, I head deeper into a neighborhood rather than towards the city center- I don't really know how to classify this area as different from mine, but it is. For one thing, the further I walk away from home, the more Russian I hear. The more bums I see. The more people without teeth. The more that look like they haven't had a good meal or shower in days, weeks, maybe months. Definitely more that look that they never received the psychological care they should have. Thing is, I'm not sure this would be classified as a bad neighborhood in Riga, in fact, I don't think so.

Because I am on my way to the gym I carry my backpack with all my stuff on my back. In there, buried (on purpose) at the bottom of the middle pocket is my wallet. I carry it there because I figure the pickpockets round these parts are good enough to get into the small front pocket and take it without my noticing- but it's not likely that they'll get to the bottom of the middle pocket without my noticing.

The sad thing is, as I walk these days, I am constantly jumping. As soon as someone passes me a little too close (which, let's admit, they all do!) I jump. I'm scared. I don't feel safe. I've gone soft.

Is it because this city just wears on me more and more the longer I am here? Is it because I have nearly been pick-pursed once, and Joel has been successfully pick-pocketed?

Or is it because I was recently in the States, where, for whatever reason, I felt safe?

I was talking to my gym buddy about this matter this afternoon while we were on the treadmills. I told her I'd gone soft, and that my best guess is only because I was just in the States, where I felt safe. She stared wide-eyed at me, and said that she feels much safer here than in her home country of Sweden. She went on to list the murders, kidnappings and rapes that have happened recently in Sweden. She says, "You just don't hear of that kind of stuff happening here!"

Now, to that I reply- media is media. Whether or not a crime is reported is quite different than whether or not it has occurred. Now, don't get me wrong- I'm not claiming that Latvia has record high unreported crime rates. I am just having a guess that when it comes to certain crimes, it may be true. My guess, is that rape is probably highly unreported in Latvia. I wonder if Latvia even has a term such as "date rape". I'm getting too off topic, and if anyone knows the answers to my questions, and cares to share, I look forward to your comments. Feel free to prove me wrong, set me straight, or just share your opinion.

Here is the thing either way though- there are crazy people everywhere you go. I don't think there are any more murderers, rapists, or kidnappers per capita in the US, Sweden or Australia than there are in Latvia. I don't think there are any less though either. Crazy people are everywhere! And the thing about those crazy people is, if they wanna get ya, they'll get ya- as we've seen in the news- at your house, at the mall, at school, on a jogging track, in a parking lot- they'll get ya.

Now, I do what I can to stay safe from those crazies- I don't walk alone at night too often, I don't draw unnecessary attention to myself- I don't know what else, but I try to stay safe.

What I would say there are more of, or what I FEEL like there are more of in Riga, are people that might just get you on the street for some small thing, like pick-pocketing. Maybe they also just LOOK like they are going to beat you up because they all look so mean here, because nobody smiles, but- in any case- what I'm saying is that I feel less and less safe all the time here.

In the States I felt safe- not just in Kalamazoo, but in Chicago, Indianapolis, Lansing, etc- everywhere I went I felt safe. Maybe that is because it was familiar. Maybe it is because in the States most of the time I was "going" I was going in a car- which automatically closes me off from most of the crazies, and certainly any pick-pockets.

Honestly, even in Chicago, late at night, when Joel and I were out walking about, I wasn't phased. Sure, there are just as many bums on the streets of Chicago as there are in Riga- but, honestly, not as many of them look like they've wrongly released from the asylum. Sure, they beg for money, and heck, lots of 'em are quite talkative and follow you for a bit, really working you to get something- but it's annoying- it's not scary. Maybe it should have been scary? It wasn't.

All I know is that in the States, I wasn't jumping out of my skin when people passed by too close. Lately, it's all I can do not to gasp, and I find myself doing that silly cartoonish turning in circles to see if my bag has been opened every time it happens. I'm constantly glancing over my shoulder.

I don't know what the deal is with me- why this sudden change in my perception. But in any case, it is what it is- I've gone soft.

(added Wednesday morning) P.S. I should add here that my general purpose in writing this post is not to pick on Latvia- more so, I'm wondering, what am I going to feel like in Luanda? Maybe living on a compound will be good for me for a while! :) Also, as the commenter mentioned, is this just age? I know I'd generally be considered too young to let age affect me in this kind of way... but who knows... maybe I'm an early bloomer when it comes to getting old. :)

Planned

Holy cow. I am not THAT organized of a person. I mean, I have my own system maybe- and possibly given a house/bedroom/furniture/classroom/whatever of my own design I might someday be really organized and on top of things. But mostly, how it is now, I am as I said, organized in my own way, and it mostly works. I know where stuff is. I know where I need to be. I keep on top of my stuff and my doings.

This is all why being so crazy planned out for the next, wait let me count, 8 months in some instances is just CRAZY!

But, right now, circumstance is dictating organization and planning. It is what it is. But do you want to see the list of things I have planned that will occur sometime in the next 8 months- most not sooner than 3 months?!?! Here goes-

• June 28- attending the wedding of DS and KB
• June 29- flying to Madrid (ticket already booked- and yes, this is when I am leaving Latvia for good)
• July 25- graduating with a masters degree (yup, it's already planned!)
• After July 25- Travel to/around Barcelona - hostel already booked
• After Barcelona- travel to/around Lisbon- hostel already booked
• August 2- Travel to Luanda- ticket booked
• December 13th- Travel to Australia! TICKET BOOKED! (I am super excited about this one!)
  

The thing is, there is so much even between all that stuff that I could tell you IS going to happen- just because we have to know that it will. It's crazy. Of course, this is the plan, and I totally allow for all kinds of unplanned events to occur as well as for some stuff to go wrong (although, nothing on the above list is allowed to go wrong!) .

Do people live like this? Knowing what they will be doing however many months out? I guess I just never really have- a couple months ago I had NO idea where I would be come August.

Anyway... so if you're looking for me anytime in the next few months- maybe you already know where to find me, maybe this list helps a bit.

It's nice to know what to expect- and at the same time, there is SO much to do between now and then... whooweee. I'll make it through though, no doubt. The fun is just beginning! :)

More photos: thanks dad! :)

So here is a random assortment of pictures mostly from our last night in town. We had a few people round my dad's house. I think you can kind of tell though that this was after 9 days of non-stop go for me and Joel. I think I look tired anyway.

The happy travelers

My Godmother and her husband

Fantastic Kat and I

My Dad and me

My Dad and my Mom
(Yeah, no, the real ones. They get along well, but I'm not sure what the photo session was for.)

Everybody hanging out and having a good time.
(That's my step-dad in the blue Hawaiian shirt and Kat's boyfriend next to him...)

My Dad with us

The three of us plus my Godfather/Uncle Marty

My Dad and my Malda

Me and my Mom doing a squish face

Joel and Kat deep in discussion
(or quite possibly faking it)

Us with my Mom

Kat gives me a kiss on the head

Our trip to the States: commentary and photos

OK, so, I'm just going to start at the beginning! :)

On Thursday, March 20, we flew out of Riga, and just hours later (time zones are great) arrived in Chicago, Illinois, where my friend AW met us at the airport. We spent the night with her, caught up on old times, had our first trip to a grocery store (jaw dropped-could have spent HOURS there!) watched some TV, and promptly passed out at 9pm. :) On day 2 we lazed around a bit, and then had our first shopping trip at a mall near her house. This picture is from day 2 when she dropped us off at the train station so we could catch a train into Chicago. Thanks for picking us up and a good time AW! :) I'm working on your baby's hat! :)

Joel and I spent one night in Chicago at a very nice posh hotel that I got for a good price on the internet. :) Oh, I forgot to mention that when AW picked us up on Thursday it was warm and sunny. We went coat-less, and had the windows open in the car. On day 2 we awoke in the morning to blizzard conditions basically and a few inches of snow. This sucky weather continued through Friday. Joel and I decided to brave it and had a walk down the Magnificent Mile and surrounding area in the pelting sleet and rain. Here he is posing in front of a well known Chicago theater.

The next day, day 3, we woke to clouds, but soon enough the skies cleared and we had another beautiful sunshine day. We decided to go ahead and go up in the John Hancock tower for a view from up high. Another classic pose here- Joel with a view of the city's lake shore behind him.

A few hours later, my mom came to Chicago to pick us up. This is where the fun started because I finally got behind the wheel after two years! :) Ok, we had lots of fun already before that- but I was so happy! :) Somehow, I don't have any pictures taken at my mom's on Saturday. Joel was slacking that day I guess (he is the official photographer).

After spending a lovely night with my mom and her husband I passed out in front of a movie that Joel actually managed to watch, even though my mom and D were also nodding off.

On Sunday after a DELISH breakfast (thanks mom!) we hit Walmart. OH MY GOODNESS. I have to say, I'm not generally for these kinds of stores- but we needed stuff, and it was there, and it was Easter, and it was open, so we went. We loaded up on toiletries and random other things available at such places.

End of day 4 we drove in to Kalamazoo to my dad's house. Just to review, on day four we reached the fourth city of the trip. :)

That night we had a great dinner with my dad and my friend KS.

On day 5 we actually stayed in one city. :) We went SHOPPING! Joel got his first exposure to Old Navy and the ease and wonder that it is to buy lots of wearable, stylish, cheap clothing in one place. :) By now my credit card had been getting quite the work out (no worries, we have a solid plan for paying this all off!).

That night we went to the Pilsen Klub, which is a long standing Latvian bar. Owned by Latvians (at some point, maybe not any more) the place is decked out in Latvian beer ads and scenes of long ago Latvia. They used to even carry Aldaris beer. Anyway, that night we met up with some old, and some very old friends. Here is a picture of that scene:

On day 6, much to Joel's chagrin we continued shopping. He was over it by now, but, a girl's gotta do what a girls' gotta do! :) He was still in search of the Wii he never found, but otherwise, was reaching boiling point on the shopping front.

Day 7 brought another day of traveling. Down to Indianapolis we drove. The main person I had to see there was my great-aunt Alisite. She turns 90 this weekend! She's always been like a grandma to me, and is very near and dear to my heart. We spent quite a long time hanging out with her. Joel got great practice for his Latvian, and she got some practice for her English as well. :) It was a day of luck, because although we only stopped by to see her my cousin stopped by at one point. Later, my aunt, who lives in Des Moines but happened to be traveling through Indy called, and decided she couldn't pass up the chance to meet us as well. So she stopped by too. Here is a picture of me and my nearly 90 year old aunt (who still lives on her own by the way!).


That night we stayed with my aunt and cousins and caught up with what's going on in their lives. The next day (day 8), after another failed attempt at Wii finding we got back on the road. We were on our way to Lansing, MI, but made a pit stop in Ft. Wayne, IN to meet a friend of mine. We had a couple cups of coffee and a fair few laughs with VP before heading back on the road. For a short visit, it sure was great! :)

Ah, the road. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy driving? I'm not sure whether or not Joel enjoyed my driving. I don't think he had anything to worry about, and he didn't say much one way or another, but, then he wouldn't. Anyway- here is a shot of me happily behind the wheel. :)

So, back into Michigan we drove:

Oh yeah, this day it again started to snow and rain and sleet and be nasty all day. The driving wasn't the best, but we made it safely to where we were going.

This next stop in Holt, MI (ok, not Lansing, but *just* outside of) was one of the highlights of the trip for me. It's not every day that you get to meet someone new that you know you will love in an instant and forever. In Lansing I reunited with my best friend from uni, AS and her husband, and their new baby girl Brenna Ann. Little Brenna was only 6 weeks old at the time of our visit and good goddess was she cute. That evening AS, her husband and I played a game of pass the baby while Joel happily watched basketball on TV.

So, here is the series of shots of the baby in various arms.

Isn't she gorgeous!?!? :)

Here she is with her wonderful mother (still freaks me out a bit to say that) AS.

Yeah, so she sleeps a lot- she's only 6 weeks old! Actually, though, AS and the hub are doing very well, they have their routines, they aren't psycho (whooohoo, way to go new parents!) and they are just taking everything as it comes. They are obviously doing a good job too because AS told me that at their last doctors appointment the doc said that Brenna had advanced saliva production! She's a genius! :)

Even though the weather was nasty that night, the snow day we hoped for for AS (she's a teacher, and already back at work) didn't happen the next day, and we were off again. I was really sad to go. I really, really wished we could have spent more time with all three of them!

Alas, we scraped the car (see? That's me- happy to be doing anything that involves me getting behind the wheel again!) and were off back to Kalamazoo. Oh, and I forgot to mention, but of course, in all this driving we had Taco Bell 3 times I believe. :) It was also delicious.

We got back to Kalamazoo and did all the shopping that was left to do. Joel didn't get his Wii, but he did get a PS2 and a few games.

On our last night in town we had a few people for dinner. My uncle/godfather Marty stopped by on his way home to Indianapolis (yes, it was his wife we had stayed with earlier in the week). It was great to see him. Later my godmother and her husband came by. My mom and D stopped by as well, as did KS and her boyfriend. Here is a picture of me and my mom from that night:

We really didn't get a lot of shots with family...well, my dad took a lot of pictures, maybe he'll send me some and I can add them here later. It was a really nice night again- but I have to admit that after 9 days of near constant driving and shopping, even I was pretty worn out. We had hit 8 cities/3 states in 9 days, all at least an hour or more apart. Mostly though, I couldn't believe that it was already time to leave. I wanted more time with family and friends for sure.

On Saturday, day 10, after just a few errands, and last minute buys, we headed back to Chicago with my dad. Here is a picture of Joel with Malda just before we got in the car. Hmm...Malda might not appreciate this photo- but she'd just got up, made breakfast and exercised, cut her some slack. :)

The flight home was stupid but uneventful. We got to the airport on time, only to find out that KLM (who I swear I had never had any problems with before!) had canceled our flight. They said that the flight coming to Chicago has been canceled in Amsterdam, and they didn't have a plane to send back that way, since one hadn't come! So, we got shuffled to a British Airways flight. One plus, it was a slightly nicer plane- it had the personal video screens and choice of hundreds of movies/tv shows on demand. One big minus- they didn't have my veggie food, because the request didn't transfer from KLM to them, even though I specifically asked the lady at the KLM counter to make sure that it did. Well, Joel was happy to give up his salad to me, so I didn't starve. :)

So we flew to London, had a two hour layover, flew 45 minutes to Amsterdam and then proceeded to try to kill the 6 hour layover we had there. I bought books and had a manicure (good idea for an express spa in the airport!). Our flight finally left sometime past 8. We got into Riga after 11, and were home some time around 12:30 I think. This whole thing just sucked because our original flight plan put us in Riga at 12 noon on Sunday, which would have been VERY nice. As it is, we're still sleep deprived and not yet unpacked. :)

So, well, it was a great trip. I probably left out a lot of important things in this boring photo log, maybe if people send me more photos I will remember them. :) I hope it's not going to be two years before we get back Stateside again. Actually, I'm pretty sure we'll make it there next summer, now that we can afford it! :)

Home again, home again

Hey yeah, we're back. Still a little jet-lagged and discombobulated. The living room is still a giant mess, mostly strewn with piles of stuff that we acquired in the US. I have to figure out what to do with it all in the meantime.

Anyway, I had big plans to write up our trip last night, and then I drank a bottle of Pinot Noir (thanks KS!) and played PS2 with Joel instead.

Tonight may be the night.

Take me with you!

Everyone wants to go to the States. Even the cat. See, he's packed himself. T-6 hours til taxi pick up. I'm sleepy.

See you on the flip-side.

Oh, and a HUGE, HUGE thanks goes out to SZJ for taking care of this wonder, who will be unpacked before we get in the taxi, while we're gone. I will be able to enjoy myself that much more knowing he's in good hands! You're the best!

I lied

Yesterday I said that it was coming down wet and heavy and not sticking... grrr... this morning we wake up to practically a winter wonderland- it feels like it should be December- but it's not, which just makes it annoying!


Worse yet, I just got word from my parents that the weather in the midwest is similar. :( Oh well- at least in Michigan I'll have friends and family and shopping and restaurants and all those other goodies to keep me busy! :) We leave early tomorrow morning (we'll be at the airport around 5am) and will arrive in Chicago around 2pm Thursday Chicago time. Oh, if only it was really that short a flight! :)

Snow and other reasons to leave Latvia

I just took this out the window. I know it's not the best picture, but, you can see the millions of small white flecks- snow. Today is March 18th. I know it's not the latest it's ever snowed, but, I'm over it. Especially since it seems a few weeks ago we were having sunny and somewhat warm weather; it was +10 at least! Anyway... none of this snow is sticking, but it is making it a wet world out there. I'm just ready for spring-like weather since the first day of spring is in two days!

Also, I will not tell the whole long story, because I have already told it a few times, but yesterday a little old lady- who really looked like a kind of nice and classy old grandma, told me, literally, to fuck off on the bus. Why? Not because I was stealing her purse, or pushing or shoving or doing any number of highly inappropriate things that people do on buses here, but because I don't speak Russian. I was so minding my own business, talking to DS (most probably in English!) and when she started talking to me in Russian, I just nicely said that I don't speak Russian. She then proceeded to start mocking me, rolling her eyes, speaking some German as well, and lastly, when I just continued to stare at her wide-eyed, she told me to fuck off- in grammatically incorrect Latvian. It really made my day. NOT. It really made me sad I'm leaving this country. NOT.

I'm a little cranky today. I need a nap.

Saturday Morning Navel Gazing

(This is going to be a writer-bares-all type of post- intimate and detailed- read at your own risk.)

Recently, it seems, loads of women in my circles are finding themselves. They are getting through all the SHIT that is there to get through, and they are getting to the truth that is inside.

It's making me wonder about myself, and how long it will take for me to get there.

These women are inspirations to me... they don't take things too seriously, they surround themselves with people that make them smile and laugh, they move their bodies with ease, dedication and most of all FUN, they feed their bodies with food that nourishes and satisfies them, they take time to do things that matter to them, and don't buy into the hype around stuff that they don't care about. They know their own value- and it has nothing to do with the man standing next to them, or the number written on the inside of their pants. Oh, and, most of these women are also aged 50 +/-5 years.

As for me... well... lately, I've been sneaking food. You know, waiting until no one is watching and then grabbing the extra plate of dinner, the candy bar or the cookies. Eating it pretty quickly, and without tasting much of it. I've been sick the last week, so I've been using that as an excuse, but, I also quit exercising because after more than a month of getting up a half hour earlier at least 4 times a week and moving my body I wasn't seeing ANY changes- wasn't seeing them or feeling them.

I've regressed in my growth- given up, once again feeling like I will never reach a state of physical being or health that I once had.

More distressing is that my whole self-worth is wrapped up in what I look like, what number is inside my pants, and how crappily I treat the only body I have.

I'm leaving for the States in just a few days. I am of course, very excited about this. Do you know though, the thing that makes me not want to go? Being fat. Being the fattest I have ever been in my life. Knowing that of my four parents, there will be at least one if not two, who will comment on the fact that I have reached this state. Knowing that I am going to meet old friends who have not seen me in over two years- some in nearly 10 years, and the first impression will be, "Wow, she's sure gotten fat." The shame is overwhelming.

God help me if anyone I run into asks me if I am pregnant. It wouldn't be the first time that it's happened, but that doesn't mean I will take it any better than usual, or that that person will live.

Over two years ago I embarked on a journey into re-learning how to eat which I wrote a bit about here. That was two years ago that I was ready and willing to let go and let nature, let go and be healthy. Since then I have had ups and downs, but basically, I have ended up about 8kgs heavier than then and still in the same old patterns of over-eating, self-loathing and little exercise.

The other day Joel and I were on a tram to somewhere and I was in a crying fit (meaning one of those times where it doesn't matter where we are (hello tram) or what is going on, but the tears just start streaming down my face and there is nothing that can stop them) about how fucked up I am. And I started to wonder, is it because my childhood was REALLY that bad that I got THIS messed up from it? Or is it that it wasn't that bad, but I'm just weak, and can't handle it? Or was it post childhood stuff that fucked me up? Was it one too many boyfriends who echoed my dad's voice concerning my body- and then weren't the ones and left and opened up another hole for me to stuff food into? And WHO was it that led me down the road of self-worth=body size anyway???

(God help me that my potential mother in law, sisters in law and who knows else is reading this and thinking, EEEK- RUN! and get her away from Joel!)

It turns out that for me, nothing, so far, has been enough. I have been through SO MANY programs and therapies and diets and exercise programs and none of it- nothing has been the thing that would make a difference for me.

Either this is so deep that it needs way more, or I'm just broken.

People tell me all the time how awesome and courageous I am. About how I've done so much in my life already, and they have been such exciting things. I am smart, I'm working on a graduate degree, I teach children, and lots of parents would say that I have done a great job. I have traveled and seen more of the world than many will in their whole lives. I am in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. I'm moving to Africa in a few months!

And yet, and yet, the only thing that seems to matter TO ME is that I can't fit into my pants- or that I have had to buy increasingly larger sizes every few months to keep up with the ever expanding belly. When I see a picture of myself at this size, I cry.

Why can't I see myself the way that other people see me? Why can't I value the other accomplishments instead of my BMI?

So, this makes me wonder, how long will it take for me to get where these other women in my circles are getting? Is it a matter of time? Do I have to reach age 50 before I can get through all of this shit and finally find the truth inside? Or, will I be one of those women, who at age 50+ is still singing the same old diet and self-loathing song?

I am left wondering still, what it will take. Will becoming a mother change me? Will I just have other things to worry about and no time or space in my head for self-loathing? Will the experience of pregnancy in and of itself change the way I see my body? Or will I become one of those mommies who eats her own meal, and then eats whats left over on her kids plates too- because motherhood DOES NOT break the binge cycle for all! God knows there are plenty of women in this country who get back down to size 0 a couple of weeks post-birth, but there are way more women all over the world who never ever lose the baby weight. Which one will I be? And will I care?

Is my problem that I am too much of an open book? Even my therapist says that the problem is not in and of itself that I am too open, but that in my openness I expect that others will share with me equally openly, and most don't. Which means, I'm giving away so much of myself, and not getting enough in return. I'm left with holes. Holes that need to be filled with something. Why not food? Why not self-hate?

Do I need to take a man's point of view on this one? Just eat less and exercise more? God if only it were that simple. WHY did I eat two dinners last night, why, even though I knew I wasn't hungry, and didn't need the food, and was AWARE of this, why did I do it anyway? I think if I could answer this question, then I could be more like a man, and I could handle it with the simple equation of eat less, exercise more.

Does this whole post make me a voice for women the world over who suffer life I do, or am I baring my unique and individual demons for the world to see- and scaring people off in the process?

For me, this post has given way to a serious cry, been a great way to procrastinate doing my school work, and well, sort of left me with another hole.

I don't know the answers to any of this. I don't have any inspired moves to take next. And I don't want anybody to comment on this post with something like, "Try pilates!" or "Have you ever tried Weight Watchers?" because that is NOT the point!

I'm just going to leave it, as is. This is one aspect of me, one side, maybe just one demon. Now it is here. Hopefully, God willing, it is ever so slightly more here than inside of me now, and it can stay that way.

But the question remains, will it happen when I'm 50?

Painful mistakes

So, every once in a while, I think to myself, surely, I must not have THAT much trouble with dairy...I mean... come on... it's delicious!

As you may know I gave up dairy for LentAl (read here for more on that). This means that since February 6th, I have been avoiding all dairy products to the best of my abilities. In that time, I have made a few missteps- one of my student's had a birthday, and I chose to partake in her cake, which obviously had a fluffy dairy like filling, and there have been a few occasions that I have consumed butter- oh and one day I was faced with flan, and well, you can imagine how that ended (picture me, stuffing face, flan gone).

But mostly, I have really tried to avoid dairy...and mostly it hasn't been THAT difficult. I haven't gone out to eat much in that time, which has certainly probably helped.

The few times that I have fallen a bit off my nondairy wagon, I have been reminded gently by my guts why this is not a good idea.

Well, tonight, I got a very, very clear, not so gentle, "stop freaking eating dairy!!!!" message.

I was eating quiche before I even thought about the fact that in addition to loads of eggs (which I would have been fine with, hence my decision to eat it!) quiche is also made with heavy cream! I tend to eat pretty fast, so I was half way through this quiche before I even thought to myself, "Self, this probably has dairy in it". I was done with it (I'm telling you though, this was like 6 minutes after the first bite) when my the first gut cramp hit. It was about another 3 until I blew right up like a balloon. And it was about 5 more until I was repeatedly racing to the loo. I'll spare you the details but will say, it was painful (the cramps are the worst!), it was unpleasant, and even though the quiche was very, very good, it was NOT worth what it cost me.

I've had a couple of people sort of poke a bit of fun at me over the fact that I have given up dairy (well, this is practically unimaginable in Latvia- you should SEE the amounts of dairy products in the stores, and in people's shopping...unreal!) for Lent. I've tried to not let it bother me, because I know that people who do not understand what I go through when I eat dairy would think it was silly.

But this is about my quality of life now. Stomach cramps, bloated guts and mad racing to the loo do not a good life make. This is not about saving the cows (though it is a little) and it's not about saving the environment (though of course it is), and it's not even about my health because I found out on the internet tonight that lactose intolerance is not a harmful to your health condition (although of course it is also about my health)- this is about quality of life, about enjoying what there is to enjoy, and not missing the things that happen because I'm doubled over from cramps, or sitting in the dunny (as it's referred to around here).

Can I tell you how excited I am to go to the States in just 12 days (!) and enjoy soy ice cream, soy sour cream and soy cream cheese!!! Oh I cannot wait! :)

If you ever see me trying to talk myself into being able to handle any substantial amount of dairy again, please direct me back to this post. Here's to not making any more of these painful mistakes!

(And here's to some happy cows! :) )