More photos: thanks dad! :)

So here is a random assortment of pictures mostly from our last night in town. We had a few people round my dad's house. I think you can kind of tell though that this was after 9 days of non-stop go for me and Joel. I think I look tired anyway.

The happy travelers

My Godmother and her husband

Fantastic Kat and I

My Dad and me

My Dad and my Mom
(Yeah, no, the real ones. They get along well, but I'm not sure what the photo session was for.)

Everybody hanging out and having a good time.
(That's my step-dad in the blue Hawaiian shirt and Kat's boyfriend next to him...)

My Dad with us

The three of us plus my Godfather/Uncle Marty

My Dad and my Malda

Me and my Mom doing a squish face

Joel and Kat deep in discussion
(or quite possibly faking it)

Us with my Mom

Kat gives me a kiss on the head

Our trip to the States: commentary and photos

OK, so, I'm just going to start at the beginning! :)

On Thursday, March 20, we flew out of Riga, and just hours later (time zones are great) arrived in Chicago, Illinois, where my friend AW met us at the airport. We spent the night with her, caught up on old times, had our first trip to a grocery store (jaw dropped-could have spent HOURS there!) watched some TV, and promptly passed out at 9pm. :) On day 2 we lazed around a bit, and then had our first shopping trip at a mall near her house. This picture is from day 2 when she dropped us off at the train station so we could catch a train into Chicago. Thanks for picking us up and a good time AW! :) I'm working on your baby's hat! :)

Joel and I spent one night in Chicago at a very nice posh hotel that I got for a good price on the internet. :) Oh, I forgot to mention that when AW picked us up on Thursday it was warm and sunny. We went coat-less, and had the windows open in the car. On day 2 we awoke in the morning to blizzard conditions basically and a few inches of snow. This sucky weather continued through Friday. Joel and I decided to brave it and had a walk down the Magnificent Mile and surrounding area in the pelting sleet and rain. Here he is posing in front of a well known Chicago theater.

The next day, day 3, we woke to clouds, but soon enough the skies cleared and we had another beautiful sunshine day. We decided to go ahead and go up in the John Hancock tower for a view from up high. Another classic pose here- Joel with a view of the city's lake shore behind him.

A few hours later, my mom came to Chicago to pick us up. This is where the fun started because I finally got behind the wheel after two years! :) Ok, we had lots of fun already before that- but I was so happy! :) Somehow, I don't have any pictures taken at my mom's on Saturday. Joel was slacking that day I guess (he is the official photographer).

After spending a lovely night with my mom and her husband I passed out in front of a movie that Joel actually managed to watch, even though my mom and D were also nodding off.

On Sunday after a DELISH breakfast (thanks mom!) we hit Walmart. OH MY GOODNESS. I have to say, I'm not generally for these kinds of stores- but we needed stuff, and it was there, and it was Easter, and it was open, so we went. We loaded up on toiletries and random other things available at such places.

End of day 4 we drove in to Kalamazoo to my dad's house. Just to review, on day four we reached the fourth city of the trip. :)

That night we had a great dinner with my dad and my friend KS.

On day 5 we actually stayed in one city. :) We went SHOPPING! Joel got his first exposure to Old Navy and the ease and wonder that it is to buy lots of wearable, stylish, cheap clothing in one place. :) By now my credit card had been getting quite the work out (no worries, we have a solid plan for paying this all off!).

That night we went to the Pilsen Klub, which is a long standing Latvian bar. Owned by Latvians (at some point, maybe not any more) the place is decked out in Latvian beer ads and scenes of long ago Latvia. They used to even carry Aldaris beer. Anyway, that night we met up with some old, and some very old friends. Here is a picture of that scene:

On day 6, much to Joel's chagrin we continued shopping. He was over it by now, but, a girl's gotta do what a girls' gotta do! :) He was still in search of the Wii he never found, but otherwise, was reaching boiling point on the shopping front.

Day 7 brought another day of traveling. Down to Indianapolis we drove. The main person I had to see there was my great-aunt Alisite. She turns 90 this weekend! She's always been like a grandma to me, and is very near and dear to my heart. We spent quite a long time hanging out with her. Joel got great practice for his Latvian, and she got some practice for her English as well. :) It was a day of luck, because although we only stopped by to see her my cousin stopped by at one point. Later, my aunt, who lives in Des Moines but happened to be traveling through Indy called, and decided she couldn't pass up the chance to meet us as well. So she stopped by too. Here is a picture of me and my nearly 90 year old aunt (who still lives on her own by the way!).


That night we stayed with my aunt and cousins and caught up with what's going on in their lives. The next day (day 8), after another failed attempt at Wii finding we got back on the road. We were on our way to Lansing, MI, but made a pit stop in Ft. Wayne, IN to meet a friend of mine. We had a couple cups of coffee and a fair few laughs with VP before heading back on the road. For a short visit, it sure was great! :)

Ah, the road. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy driving? I'm not sure whether or not Joel enjoyed my driving. I don't think he had anything to worry about, and he didn't say much one way or another, but, then he wouldn't. Anyway- here is a shot of me happily behind the wheel. :)

So, back into Michigan we drove:

Oh yeah, this day it again started to snow and rain and sleet and be nasty all day. The driving wasn't the best, but we made it safely to where we were going.

This next stop in Holt, MI (ok, not Lansing, but *just* outside of) was one of the highlights of the trip for me. It's not every day that you get to meet someone new that you know you will love in an instant and forever. In Lansing I reunited with my best friend from uni, AS and her husband, and their new baby girl Brenna Ann. Little Brenna was only 6 weeks old at the time of our visit and good goddess was she cute. That evening AS, her husband and I played a game of pass the baby while Joel happily watched basketball on TV.

So, here is the series of shots of the baby in various arms.

Isn't she gorgeous!?!? :)

Here she is with her wonderful mother (still freaks me out a bit to say that) AS.

Yeah, so she sleeps a lot- she's only 6 weeks old! Actually, though, AS and the hub are doing very well, they have their routines, they aren't psycho (whooohoo, way to go new parents!) and they are just taking everything as it comes. They are obviously doing a good job too because AS told me that at their last doctors appointment the doc said that Brenna had advanced saliva production! She's a genius! :)

Even though the weather was nasty that night, the snow day we hoped for for AS (she's a teacher, and already back at work) didn't happen the next day, and we were off again. I was really sad to go. I really, really wished we could have spent more time with all three of them!

Alas, we scraped the car (see? That's me- happy to be doing anything that involves me getting behind the wheel again!) and were off back to Kalamazoo. Oh, and I forgot to mention, but of course, in all this driving we had Taco Bell 3 times I believe. :) It was also delicious.

We got back to Kalamazoo and did all the shopping that was left to do. Joel didn't get his Wii, but he did get a PS2 and a few games.

On our last night in town we had a few people for dinner. My uncle/godfather Marty stopped by on his way home to Indianapolis (yes, it was his wife we had stayed with earlier in the week). It was great to see him. Later my godmother and her husband came by. My mom and D stopped by as well, as did KS and her boyfriend. Here is a picture of me and my mom from that night:

We really didn't get a lot of shots with family...well, my dad took a lot of pictures, maybe he'll send me some and I can add them here later. It was a really nice night again- but I have to admit that after 9 days of near constant driving and shopping, even I was pretty worn out. We had hit 8 cities/3 states in 9 days, all at least an hour or more apart. Mostly though, I couldn't believe that it was already time to leave. I wanted more time with family and friends for sure.

On Saturday, day 10, after just a few errands, and last minute buys, we headed back to Chicago with my dad. Here is a picture of Joel with Malda just before we got in the car. Hmm...Malda might not appreciate this photo- but she'd just got up, made breakfast and exercised, cut her some slack. :)

The flight home was stupid but uneventful. We got to the airport on time, only to find out that KLM (who I swear I had never had any problems with before!) had canceled our flight. They said that the flight coming to Chicago has been canceled in Amsterdam, and they didn't have a plane to send back that way, since one hadn't come! So, we got shuffled to a British Airways flight. One plus, it was a slightly nicer plane- it had the personal video screens and choice of hundreds of movies/tv shows on demand. One big minus- they didn't have my veggie food, because the request didn't transfer from KLM to them, even though I specifically asked the lady at the KLM counter to make sure that it did. Well, Joel was happy to give up his salad to me, so I didn't starve. :)

So we flew to London, had a two hour layover, flew 45 minutes to Amsterdam and then proceeded to try to kill the 6 hour layover we had there. I bought books and had a manicure (good idea for an express spa in the airport!). Our flight finally left sometime past 8. We got into Riga after 11, and were home some time around 12:30 I think. This whole thing just sucked because our original flight plan put us in Riga at 12 noon on Sunday, which would have been VERY nice. As it is, we're still sleep deprived and not yet unpacked. :)

So, well, it was a great trip. I probably left out a lot of important things in this boring photo log, maybe if people send me more photos I will remember them. :) I hope it's not going to be two years before we get back Stateside again. Actually, I'm pretty sure we'll make it there next summer, now that we can afford it! :)

Home again, home again

Hey yeah, we're back. Still a little jet-lagged and discombobulated. The living room is still a giant mess, mostly strewn with piles of stuff that we acquired in the US. I have to figure out what to do with it all in the meantime.

Anyway, I had big plans to write up our trip last night, and then I drank a bottle of Pinot Noir (thanks KS!) and played PS2 with Joel instead.

Tonight may be the night.

Take me with you!

Everyone wants to go to the States. Even the cat. See, he's packed himself. T-6 hours til taxi pick up. I'm sleepy.

See you on the flip-side.

Oh, and a HUGE, HUGE thanks goes out to SZJ for taking care of this wonder, who will be unpacked before we get in the taxi, while we're gone. I will be able to enjoy myself that much more knowing he's in good hands! You're the best!

I lied

Yesterday I said that it was coming down wet and heavy and not sticking... grrr... this morning we wake up to practically a winter wonderland- it feels like it should be December- but it's not, which just makes it annoying!


Worse yet, I just got word from my parents that the weather in the midwest is similar. :( Oh well- at least in Michigan I'll have friends and family and shopping and restaurants and all those other goodies to keep me busy! :) We leave early tomorrow morning (we'll be at the airport around 5am) and will arrive in Chicago around 2pm Thursday Chicago time. Oh, if only it was really that short a flight! :)

Snow and other reasons to leave Latvia

I just took this out the window. I know it's not the best picture, but, you can see the millions of small white flecks- snow. Today is March 18th. I know it's not the latest it's ever snowed, but, I'm over it. Especially since it seems a few weeks ago we were having sunny and somewhat warm weather; it was +10 at least! Anyway... none of this snow is sticking, but it is making it a wet world out there. I'm just ready for spring-like weather since the first day of spring is in two days!

Also, I will not tell the whole long story, because I have already told it a few times, but yesterday a little old lady- who really looked like a kind of nice and classy old grandma, told me, literally, to fuck off on the bus. Why? Not because I was stealing her purse, or pushing or shoving or doing any number of highly inappropriate things that people do on buses here, but because I don't speak Russian. I was so minding my own business, talking to DS (most probably in English!) and when she started talking to me in Russian, I just nicely said that I don't speak Russian. She then proceeded to start mocking me, rolling her eyes, speaking some German as well, and lastly, when I just continued to stare at her wide-eyed, she told me to fuck off- in grammatically incorrect Latvian. It really made my day. NOT. It really made me sad I'm leaving this country. NOT.

I'm a little cranky today. I need a nap.

Saturday Morning Navel Gazing

(This is going to be a writer-bares-all type of post- intimate and detailed- read at your own risk.)

Recently, it seems, loads of women in my circles are finding themselves. They are getting through all the SHIT that is there to get through, and they are getting to the truth that is inside.

It's making me wonder about myself, and how long it will take for me to get there.

These women are inspirations to me... they don't take things too seriously, they surround themselves with people that make them smile and laugh, they move their bodies with ease, dedication and most of all FUN, they feed their bodies with food that nourishes and satisfies them, they take time to do things that matter to them, and don't buy into the hype around stuff that they don't care about. They know their own value- and it has nothing to do with the man standing next to them, or the number written on the inside of their pants. Oh, and, most of these women are also aged 50 +/-5 years.

As for me... well... lately, I've been sneaking food. You know, waiting until no one is watching and then grabbing the extra plate of dinner, the candy bar or the cookies. Eating it pretty quickly, and without tasting much of it. I've been sick the last week, so I've been using that as an excuse, but, I also quit exercising because after more than a month of getting up a half hour earlier at least 4 times a week and moving my body I wasn't seeing ANY changes- wasn't seeing them or feeling them.

I've regressed in my growth- given up, once again feeling like I will never reach a state of physical being or health that I once had.

More distressing is that my whole self-worth is wrapped up in what I look like, what number is inside my pants, and how crappily I treat the only body I have.

I'm leaving for the States in just a few days. I am of course, very excited about this. Do you know though, the thing that makes me not want to go? Being fat. Being the fattest I have ever been in my life. Knowing that of my four parents, there will be at least one if not two, who will comment on the fact that I have reached this state. Knowing that I am going to meet old friends who have not seen me in over two years- some in nearly 10 years, and the first impression will be, "Wow, she's sure gotten fat." The shame is overwhelming.

God help me if anyone I run into asks me if I am pregnant. It wouldn't be the first time that it's happened, but that doesn't mean I will take it any better than usual, or that that person will live.

Over two years ago I embarked on a journey into re-learning how to eat which I wrote a bit about here. That was two years ago that I was ready and willing to let go and let nature, let go and be healthy. Since then I have had ups and downs, but basically, I have ended up about 8kgs heavier than then and still in the same old patterns of over-eating, self-loathing and little exercise.

The other day Joel and I were on a tram to somewhere and I was in a crying fit (meaning one of those times where it doesn't matter where we are (hello tram) or what is going on, but the tears just start streaming down my face and there is nothing that can stop them) about how fucked up I am. And I started to wonder, is it because my childhood was REALLY that bad that I got THIS messed up from it? Or is it that it wasn't that bad, but I'm just weak, and can't handle it? Or was it post childhood stuff that fucked me up? Was it one too many boyfriends who echoed my dad's voice concerning my body- and then weren't the ones and left and opened up another hole for me to stuff food into? And WHO was it that led me down the road of self-worth=body size anyway???

(God help me that my potential mother in law, sisters in law and who knows else is reading this and thinking, EEEK- RUN! and get her away from Joel!)

It turns out that for me, nothing, so far, has been enough. I have been through SO MANY programs and therapies and diets and exercise programs and none of it- nothing has been the thing that would make a difference for me.

Either this is so deep that it needs way more, or I'm just broken.

People tell me all the time how awesome and courageous I am. About how I've done so much in my life already, and they have been such exciting things. I am smart, I'm working on a graduate degree, I teach children, and lots of parents would say that I have done a great job. I have traveled and seen more of the world than many will in their whole lives. I am in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. I'm moving to Africa in a few months!

And yet, and yet, the only thing that seems to matter TO ME is that I can't fit into my pants- or that I have had to buy increasingly larger sizes every few months to keep up with the ever expanding belly. When I see a picture of myself at this size, I cry.

Why can't I see myself the way that other people see me? Why can't I value the other accomplishments instead of my BMI?

So, this makes me wonder, how long will it take for me to get where these other women in my circles are getting? Is it a matter of time? Do I have to reach age 50 before I can get through all of this shit and finally find the truth inside? Or, will I be one of those women, who at age 50+ is still singing the same old diet and self-loathing song?

I am left wondering still, what it will take. Will becoming a mother change me? Will I just have other things to worry about and no time or space in my head for self-loathing? Will the experience of pregnancy in and of itself change the way I see my body? Or will I become one of those mommies who eats her own meal, and then eats whats left over on her kids plates too- because motherhood DOES NOT break the binge cycle for all! God knows there are plenty of women in this country who get back down to size 0 a couple of weeks post-birth, but there are way more women all over the world who never ever lose the baby weight. Which one will I be? And will I care?

Is my problem that I am too much of an open book? Even my therapist says that the problem is not in and of itself that I am too open, but that in my openness I expect that others will share with me equally openly, and most don't. Which means, I'm giving away so much of myself, and not getting enough in return. I'm left with holes. Holes that need to be filled with something. Why not food? Why not self-hate?

Do I need to take a man's point of view on this one? Just eat less and exercise more? God if only it were that simple. WHY did I eat two dinners last night, why, even though I knew I wasn't hungry, and didn't need the food, and was AWARE of this, why did I do it anyway? I think if I could answer this question, then I could be more like a man, and I could handle it with the simple equation of eat less, exercise more.

Does this whole post make me a voice for women the world over who suffer life I do, or am I baring my unique and individual demons for the world to see- and scaring people off in the process?

For me, this post has given way to a serious cry, been a great way to procrastinate doing my school work, and well, sort of left me with another hole.

I don't know the answers to any of this. I don't have any inspired moves to take next. And I don't want anybody to comment on this post with something like, "Try pilates!" or "Have you ever tried Weight Watchers?" because that is NOT the point!

I'm just going to leave it, as is. This is one aspect of me, one side, maybe just one demon. Now it is here. Hopefully, God willing, it is ever so slightly more here than inside of me now, and it can stay that way.

But the question remains, will it happen when I'm 50?

Painful mistakes

So, every once in a while, I think to myself, surely, I must not have THAT much trouble with dairy...I mean... come on... it's delicious!

As you may know I gave up dairy for LentAl (read here for more on that). This means that since February 6th, I have been avoiding all dairy products to the best of my abilities. In that time, I have made a few missteps- one of my student's had a birthday, and I chose to partake in her cake, which obviously had a fluffy dairy like filling, and there have been a few occasions that I have consumed butter- oh and one day I was faced with flan, and well, you can imagine how that ended (picture me, stuffing face, flan gone).

But mostly, I have really tried to avoid dairy...and mostly it hasn't been THAT difficult. I haven't gone out to eat much in that time, which has certainly probably helped.

The few times that I have fallen a bit off my nondairy wagon, I have been reminded gently by my guts why this is not a good idea.

Well, tonight, I got a very, very clear, not so gentle, "stop freaking eating dairy!!!!" message.

I was eating quiche before I even thought about the fact that in addition to loads of eggs (which I would have been fine with, hence my decision to eat it!) quiche is also made with heavy cream! I tend to eat pretty fast, so I was half way through this quiche before I even thought to myself, "Self, this probably has dairy in it". I was done with it (I'm telling you though, this was like 6 minutes after the first bite) when my the first gut cramp hit. It was about another 3 until I blew right up like a balloon. And it was about 5 more until I was repeatedly racing to the loo. I'll spare you the details but will say, it was painful (the cramps are the worst!), it was unpleasant, and even though the quiche was very, very good, it was NOT worth what it cost me.

I've had a couple of people sort of poke a bit of fun at me over the fact that I have given up dairy (well, this is practically unimaginable in Latvia- you should SEE the amounts of dairy products in the stores, and in people's shopping...unreal!) for Lent. I've tried to not let it bother me, because I know that people who do not understand what I go through when I eat dairy would think it was silly.

But this is about my quality of life now. Stomach cramps, bloated guts and mad racing to the loo do not a good life make. This is not about saving the cows (though it is a little) and it's not about saving the environment (though of course it is), and it's not even about my health because I found out on the internet tonight that lactose intolerance is not a harmful to your health condition (although of course it is also about my health)- this is about quality of life, about enjoying what there is to enjoy, and not missing the things that happen because I'm doubled over from cramps, or sitting in the dunny (as it's referred to around here).

Can I tell you how excited I am to go to the States in just 12 days (!) and enjoy soy ice cream, soy sour cream and soy cream cheese!!! Oh I cannot wait! :)

If you ever see me trying to talk myself into being able to handle any substantial amount of dairy again, please direct me back to this post. Here's to not making any more of these painful mistakes!

(And here's to some happy cows! :) )

A Promise

Happy Leap Year! (Is that celebrated?)

Well, I think it's officially a day I will never forget. :)

As I blogged about before, the 29th day of February that comes only once every 4 years is by Scottish law the only day that a woman may propose to a man. As I had also said before, through a few slightly muddy conversations I understood that Joel would not be that keen on me actually exercising this right.

If you know me though, you know I couldn't let this day go by without notice. :)

This morning I made a promise. In the fashion of American teenagers I presented Joel with a really nice, albeit not that expensive, ring that promised my devotion to him. I actually promised that, if life is like a game of Jeopardy (you know, the game show), then the answer is yes. He now has to come up with the right question! :)

Joel accepted my promise and the ring.

A promise. :) (I'm now totally cheesed out this morning.)


P.S. Yes, that is really the ring!

We're in the news!

On Tuesday after school Joel and I were interviewed by Diena newspaper reporter Ieva Alberta about living as a "mixed"- that is vegetarian and omni couple.

The article can be found here.

For those of you that don't read Latvian- basically the few things it says from me are:

• We met a year and a half ago at school- when we started going out to lunch together,I "noticed" that Joel was ordering/eating meat. (This is not altogether true, I mean, ok, I noticed, but truth be told, I generally assume people are meat-eaters unless I know otherwise.)
• Thankfully she says that I have a healthy attitude towards the whole situation- recognizing that being vegetarian is not the norm, and that I should not expect people to conform to me.
  
• Then there is the little funny story about how the first time I cooked for Joel I made Vietnamese spring rolls (fresh veg, pineapple and noodles rolled in rice paper) and that Joel gagged on them. Now I cook him meat.
• And lastly, my quote about how I like to cook for two people, not just myself. So it's worth it to me to cook meat for Joel. Unfortunately for him, I don't taste test what I cook for him, so sometimes it comes out too spicy, salty or something for him. Oh well!
  

The article goes on to quote another article that ran in the New York Times that I had also previously read.

Very unfortunately, the picture attached to the article is dumb! OK- Joel looks really nice actually, but I just look (I apologize for using the term, but) retarded.

So there you go! :)

Good people part II

I just got an email from the third mom of a former student that I had sent my mass email to.

Good people.

I was only in my second year teaching when I had little P in my class, and he's in grade 3 now! It's great to get updates on how my former students are doing...how they enjoy school, if they still do this or that, and of course, it's always nice to hear that they remember you. Well, I'll take the liberty of posting an excerpt from the email P's mom sent me. You'll see why I'm nearly in tears.

Just so you know... you are still talked about a lot by P. And for me, you are still the person I use in all of my "how well is the school year going" comparisons... so, if you're ever wondering if you are in the right field, know that you've got one mom who thinks you've set the standards -- and set them pretty high :).

Wow huh?

My job has a lots of perks (summers off and that whole deal...), but just as well, it is a very taxing job. Little people have and need lots of energy, and they suck a lot of energy from adults it seems. Depending on the class or the individuals, days, weeks and whole school years can range anywhere from wonderful to horrible. In only five years of teaching, I feel that I have already run the gamut, and I know that I will cycle through all those spaces regularly throughout the rest of my teaching career.

There are a couple of things that can keep a teacher like me going when things get really low, as they have for me at points this year. Feedback like that from parents is among the top two. Children can't always express their own growth or acknowledge those that have helped them get there. Although seeing an individual child's growth and their own joy about it is the #1 thing that keeps me going as a teacher, getting that feedback from parents has got to be #2. I'm here to make a difference, and when I hear that I have done that in the life of even just one child, it make it all worth it.

If I can, I would encourage all parents out there to let their child's teachers know when they've made a difference. If other teachers are anything like me, they'll appreciate it more than you can imagine.

Good people man, the world is full of em!

Thank you for your email SS! :)

Good people

You know teaching internationally comes with its fair share of ups and downs, pros and cons. One of the pros that I have been highly aware of lately is the opportunity to meet good people and get to know good people. Of course, I'm not saying that you wouldn't meet good people if you stayed in one place your whole life, but I would say that you meet a wider range of people teaching internationally.

Last week when I sent out the email letting friends and family know that Joel and I had made our decision about Angola, I included a couple of moms of students I had in China on the list. I did this because these were women that in the years I knew them were friendly and warm, understanding and supportive, interesting and interested.

It was great to hear back from two of them. They were so happy to hear from me, and happy to share about where their families are now (neither in Shanghai anymore). I think it is really amazing to meet people who come from all over in one place, and then keep in touch as I and they move around the world even more. I just think it's cool!

In Latvia I have also met a lot of good people. Of course, what is kind of funny here is that with a lot of the good people, you already have connections, but you don't know about it. My first year teaching in Riga, I had a little boy in my class who I'll call R. I knew that R's parents came from Venezuela, but that was it. Well, in the space of the year, it came to pass that R's godfather came to visit, not from Venezuela, but from Indianapolis, where he lives. (For those of you who don't know, I was born and lived until the age of 6 in Indianapolis.) So turns out that R's godfather is a known and important figure amongst Indianapolis Latvians, and someone I have also known since I was little!

Not that I had a bad rapport with R's parents before this (THEY are good people!), but after finding this out, I certainly felt more connected to them, and I think the same could be said for them.

What is great is that now, every time R's godfather comes to visit, he visits the school and says hi, and then we usually end up meeting later on for dinner or drinks or something.

Tonight was one such night. DS (who also knows this man) and I met R's parents and godfather for a few drinks. It was such a lovely night! For me the idea of plans on a school night is sometimes overwhelming, because, let's face it, I need my chill time and my sleep. I knew that this was the only chance to meet up with all these guys, so I agreed to go tonight, but lets say I wasn't over the top enthused about it. We ended up sitting for hours talking and laughing and just having a GREAT time. I tend to get a little sentimental, but there was a moment during the night when I just sat back, and thought to myself, "What an odd group of us, but look at what a great time it is! How lucky I am to have these people in my life."

R's parents are certainly not the only good people I have met in Latvia. There are plenty of other families at my school that I class amongst the "good" and whose email addresses I hope to add to my long list of people to stay in touch with. Then of course there are friends (new and old), and of course, Joel and his family.

(Speaking of small worlds and good people being connected...I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I even have a connection to Joel's sister in law, an Australian Latvian, through her godmother, a long time friend of my mother's who lives in Kalamazoo! Good people are connected. And if they're not, then it's worth getting and staying that way. :) )

So, I am thankful for the good people I have met. For the ones I met in China- especially all my good friends from there, who now stay connected from Seattle, Madison, Hong Kong and well, some still from Shanghai. And for the others that I have met here, whose everyday interactions keep me aware of so much good in the world. I look forward to keeping in touch with all of the good people in Riga, from Angola to here or where ever they go. I also look forward to all the good people still in my future...so far, this international teaching thing has brought me lots of good people, and I'm thinking, there is more to come.

I've been tagged

I got tagged by my cousin Liene to do this book thing. The rules are the following:

1. Pick up the nearest book of at least 123 pages.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the 5th sentence.
4. Post the next 3 sentences.
5. Tag 5 more people.

So, the book is The Heart of Learning, there are lots of contributors, but it is edited by Steven Glazer.

The 6th, 7th and 8th sentences are: Hi. I'm Caria. I come from a childhood where I had a great deal of love and affection.

There you go! It is actually a somewhat interesting passage (about a teacher with this background who works in inner-city schools, looking for guidance on how to relate to her students) that the sentences come from, but I realize you can't tell that at all from those few sentences.

If I have to tag forward, I will. So, for bloggers I know...Gina, Mook, Gita, Cilly and Susan.

I'm thinking this is not the most interesting game of tag I've ever played...but it at least gives some random insight to what people are reading! :)

We've chosen!

And the winner is... Angola! :)

More details to follow when I have them! :)

Sunrises and Sunsets (no, not Fiddler)

Not so long ago I didn't notice sunrises, because they happened at some point in my day when I was already very busy with children doing something or other. When work starts at 8, and the sun doesn't rise until between 9 and 10, this is the way it goes.

Since coming back to school after ski break though, I have suddenly noticed sunrises, because they are happening sometime while I'm still at home getting ready for my day (which makes MUCH more sense doesn't it?).

Maybe the noticeable sunrises (and general abundance of light) are the reason for my improved mood of late, but I think it might also be something else.

I think I might be feeling so much more cheery in general because I no longer feel stuck. Even though we are, as of now, still undecided about where we will be come August, I am nonetheless excited that we'll be somewhere (else).

Feeling stuck is unpleasant, as it's a feeling of powerlessness. There were so many factors involved in this particular stuck, including, but not limited to:

-Feeling guilty or not good enough for not only not loving, but not being able to happily handle or choose life in Riga. What does this mean to my status as "Latvian"? Does it change? Does it revert to what it was before I lived in Latvia? Certainly, legally, if I don't return within however many years, I do stand losing my repatriate status. Does not feeling at home in Latvia make me less Latvian? I know that these are questions that other not-born-in-Latvia Latvians have asked themselves, and some have found answers. I'm not sure that I have.

-Not wanting to be the thing that took Joel away from Latvia. I love this man, I do. And I think he and I are pretty darn good together. He's got some strong ties here in Latvia, in an odd way, I would say that his ties to this place are almost stronger than mine. He has more invested here, and he is closer to the family he has here. I did not want to be *that* girl, the one that he did something for, that he would not have otherwise done...the one that he did something he didn't really want to do for.

-Not wanting to be the woman who conceded herself and her needs for a man. This obviously ties into the previous point. I cannot help the fact that I was born and raised in the time of strong, independent, fight the man women; in a time when it is practically sac religious to even compromise what's for dinner, never mind what you're going to do with your life. In some ways though, I find myself fighting myself on this...because, although I am not keen on giving up everything I want in life, at the same time, I do very much feel like, as long as I have certain things, I'm willing to leave lots of other choices up to someone else. According to the strong independent woman code, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be making each and every decision for and by myself (and probably I shouldn't even be having a relationship...). I don't know. I guess in a time when the strong, independent woman code still shares life space with size 0 supermodels, I am a bit confused about all of it.

-I have so much stuff! Three years is enough time to accumulate quite a bit. Just having this much stuff made me not want to have to deal with leaving. But, some stuff I am already looking at knowing that I will be quite willing to part with it. Other stuff I am wondering how I will get to where I am going...and what I will do with it when I get there. Some of it is not appropriate for the climates we're headed to....other stuff is just sentimental, and not stuff I need in my daily life, but not something I want to get rid of anyway. Also, it's not like I can have a garage/yard sale here...so how am I going to get rid of some of this stuff???

I think it's understandable how these and other forces combined to make me feel stuck...like I would be f-ed if I stayed, f-ed if I left.

Thankfully, the feeling of stuck is gone. I guess that makes sense...but the extent to which I feel freedom to be, to be with Joel, to choose, to be proactive is amazing. It's been a while since I felt this way.

Even better than the sunrises, the sunsets are also a part of my awareness these days, as they are happening sometime after I leave work, instead of while I'm still there, still busy with the previously mentioned children. Maybe it's the sunsets that have really upped my general mood.

I'm guessing though that it's not the sunrises or the sunsets (although I do acknowledge that they are only helping!) that are making me feel happier, saner and more alive than I have in a long time... it's the prospect of new beginnings, of new adventures, of being able to do it all with someone I care deeply about...it's losing stuck.

We are back

from the job fair.

We have two choices.

A school in Singapore

-or-

a school in Angola, Africa

We're leaning Angola.

Money would be amazing...as would the experience.

Let you know soon.

Blissed out

It doesn't take much more than a window sill above the radiator to become completely blissed out. :) That is, if you are my cat. Earlier tonight I was hit with an attack of the sneezes...and Bumbi was already in the window like this. With each sneeze he would make a little meow and maybe open one eye and look at me. Clearly, I was disturbing his bliss...but not too much since he was asleep again in moments.


It will be very difficult to leave this little (ok big) guy behind when we leave. Based on stories that others have told about sending cats overseas, the quarantine period etc, I don't think it's the best idea to try to take him with me...so I'm already looking for someone who might be willing to provide this big lug of a cat with a warm and stable home. If you're interested, let me know. :)

Done...but what's the point?

So, here they are...I finished both our hats.
(Joel was too busy playing his racing game to pose for a real picture...)

The question is of course, what is the point, since it's not cold here, and it just keeps raining. I guess we can bring them to Michigan with us in just over a month...my parents just had a blizzard yesterday. Mine turned out quite perfectly if I don't say so myself, but Joel's is a little big, as you can see it bunches a little at the back. But I'm sure this will just mean more warmth.

Here are my new projects:

This mess is going to be a bag. The pattern (as the pattern for the hats!) came from the knitting calendar that Joel's brother and sister-in-law gave me for Christmas. This is really just in the beginning stages...but I'm sure it will be awesome. :) Gotta love the color! :)

This scarf is made from the wool that Joel's mum sent me and the pattern (it has little knots along the edges) is from the book she sent me (thanks Maria!). For a long time I could not decide what to do with it. I finally decided to use very large needles to make a loosely knit fairly skinny scarf...as much fashion statement as function. :) I have an idea of who I would like to give it to as a present, because I think the wool is exactly HER colors. Maybe, if she guesses who I think she is, then I will give it to her! :) Maybe I will give it to her anyway! :)

So, there you go... busy, busy knitting lady I am. It's just so much fun though! It's really a shame I can't take my needles on the plane...rest assured they'll be in my luggage though...no better way to unwind in the hostel at night after a long day at the job fair... :)

We leave on Wednesday...wish us luck! :)

Lent Alternative

So on one of the message boards that I frequent is called the "Virtual Veggies". This is a group of people who eat so much like vegetarians that omnivores think they are vegetarian but vegetarians think they are omni. I went to that group for specific support, and found wonderful people that helped me in a lot of ways to get to where I am with my vegetarianism coexisting nicely with Joel's omnivorousness (no I don't think that is a word, I made it up!). So I love these ladies. The fun thing about the group is that even though we were brought together by food/lifestyle choices, so much else gets discussed. They are a VERY open-minded and wise group of women. So I love chatting with them on a daily basis.

Today is the first day of our LentAL, or Lent Alternative. Some of the chicas on the board are Christian, and celebrate (observe?) proper Lent. A lot of us aren't though.

But, a lot of us like the idea of taking a period of time to really commit to furthering ourselves in some way. Here is the explanation that begins our board:

"During the 40-day period of Christian Lent, the Virtual Veggies are observing our own Lent Alternative (LentAl). During this time, we will engage in reflection, acceptance, and positive action. Many of us will phrase our endeavors in positive language to keep our focus on constructive progress rather than sacrifice; others embrace sacrifice as part of the seasonal reflection and/or the growth experience. We will report our triumphs and challenges among our friends for celebration and encouragement. Everyone is welcome to participate."

So, this year for LentAl, I am focusing on positive action regarding my health. I have started an exercise regime recently with some dance workout videos. I get up at 6am or earlier depending on the day to do them. Mostly they are fun though, so as long as I actually drag myself out of bed, then I am good. So, I am committing to doing my dance dvds at least 4 times a week.

The other commitment is, I feel, a bigger one. I am giving up dairy (includes any cow milk product, but allows for goat's milk products). I know I gave up dairy once before, and I only felt better for it. When I did that, it lasted for a week or two, but eventually I went back to the yogurts, sour cream, ice cream and so on.

Life in Riga has gotten a little easier for those that need to avoid the dairy...I can now get tasty soy milk and yogurts easily, and we can get an butter-like olive oil spread that as far as I can tell from my research has no dairy. No sour cream substitute yet, but a girl can dream. That will probably be the hardest thing to deal with here. Cheese I can pretty much avoid on my own...it's not the easiest, but I know how to cook a whole lotta food that is delish that doesn't use cheese.

So this time I am looking at 40 days (that's nearly 6 weeks!) of no dairy. This means that while I am in London and in the US I will not consume dairy. That means no Ben and Jerry's and even more scary, limited choices at Taco Bell. Yikes. Do I realize what I am committing myself to?

Yes, I am committed to health. I am committed to feeling good. I am committed to my pants fitting. :) Yummy taste is such a hard thing to give up, but I tell you what, when I consider the consequences of enjoying the taste of these things, it just REALLY isn't worth it.

So, there you go. That's my LentAl.

Wish me luck.

***And the next morning...***
I just actually looked at my calendar this morning and realized that LentAl will finish just in time for my trip to the States. Hmmm....what does this mean?!? Maybe by that time I will be so used to no dairy, that I will not want to eat any anyway? Maybe I will not eat ice cream (because lord almighty, it is really so not worth the pain), but maybe I will allow myself the wonderful nastiness that is Taco Bell. Well, we'll see. It'll be a choice to make then. In any case, it's nice to know that I might have the opportunity to indulge but still stay within my commitment. I worked out this morning....that 3/4 days done. :)

I've been working hard...

So here is another finished product. Another scarf for Joel...just in time for there being no winter in Latvia (not that I'm complaining, I told him I'd make him wear it anyway!) and for us to be considering moving to warmer climates. :) Oh well. It was a labor of love and learning. It's amazing how quickly doing the knit, knit, purl, purl became second nature to me (especially since I was so freaked out by learning the new stitch). Although I did find out from my "teacher" that I was doing a backwards purl, because I was twisting the yarn the wrong way round the needle. But, this is ok, as it still left me with a very nice product, and apparently it's a real stitch sometimes called for specifically. So, there you go. Anyway, here is the scarf:



Now, the next piece of work...the whole reason behind the last scarf is the now started hat. I did the scarf to learn the purl, so that I could employ said purl in this here hat. For the record, this hat was started, unraveled and restarted at least 10 times. Following knitting directions when you're not that used to it, is not that easy. And then, all of a sudden (especially when you've done it a million times) it becomes so easy that you can't imagine why you didn't do it right the first 10 times. So here are the beginnings of a hat for Joel, that will match both his new scarf and his old scarf. :) Let's hope it actually works out to looking like a hat in the end. :)


I'm having a lot of fun with this knitting thing, so keep in mind people, if I do end up moving someplace warm, I'm going to be looking for people to make presents for. :)


***Updated later the same night***

OK, hats are quick. :) This puppy is pretty much finished! I'm not sure if I will try to actually do the finishing on my own, or wait until Thursday, when I can do it under the watchful eye of my young, hip, awesome teacher. (Did I ever mention that she actually is a young woman 5 years my junior, who simply learned to knit because she went to school in Latvia? Well, it's true. You should have seen the gorgeous socks that she made her boyfriend for Christmas...anyway... I digress...) So, here is what I did in one night:

You gotta admit, it looks like a hat, eh? :)

Gratitude

It is very easy to get comfortable in life. It is very easy to start taking for granted the things we have, and can get. It is very easy to get used to quick and quality service. Of course, this is all only easy if you were born in/live in a small part of the world and in certain financial conditions.

I went shopping today. I needed a suit to wear to the job fair in London in just over a week. I walked from shop to shop to shop not finding a suit jacket that would fit over my ample belly or my broad shoulders. I finally found one that did fit, and was happy to drop the 30Ls on it. Oh, and I was pissed that I had to search through the store for the matching pants (because they were there, but they were not on display with the jacket), but I dropped the 25Ls on them too.

It was a very frustrating and long day. Searching for clothes that fit, having to try on so many different pieces, not finding what I was looking for.

But you know, at the same time...

-THANK GOD I have so much food to eat that not only do I not go hungry, but I actually have the opportunity to get fat!

-THANK GODDESS that I get to have a choice in what I will do with my life both personally and professionally, and that I will never have to endure an arranged marriage, female genital mutilation or a job dictated by a class system!

-Thank God that I can afford to go shopping for new clothes when I have piles of clothes in my closet that are not nearly worn out, but simply don't fit (again, because I was lucky enough to get fat).

-Thank goddess that when I get sick, I can make my way to a doctor sooner or later, that I can go into a pharmacy and buy some OTC meds if I don't feel like going to a doctor, that I can call in sick to a job that I know will take me back when I am well, and for that matter, still pay me while I am sick!

-Thank goodness that I have friends to go to, to talk to, to share with, and that I can choose these friends of my own free will, not worrying about race, religion or any other factor.

-Thank goodness that I was lucky enough to find an amazing man to be with, to fight with, to make up with.

-Thank goodness that I have a home, a roof over my head, that I have so much STUFF that I will have to pay loads to have it shipped to a new location if I want to keep it...or I might have to suffer some detachment as I part with things that are just not important enough to bring along.

-Thank goodness that I get to cook with my new cast iron skillet, or my new ramekins or my old wok or my new baking dish, instead of having to cook over an open fire with one pot to feed my whole family.

This list could go on indefinitely. There is so much in my life to be thankful for. There is so much that I am able and capable of doing...and there is so much that I honestly will never have to worry about. Some of the things on this list are my doing... I chose to get good grades, get a scholarship, go to college, get a degree, take off overseas to work at a job that paid loads. That was my doing. But it was pure, unadulterated luck that I was born in America to a family that was wealthy if not in money, then wealthy in love and connections to a community that did everything to support us.

My life could have been so different had I been born on the African plains, or the Mongolian steppes, or, heck, even the Latvian countryside!

So what I have to say is this. Thank you. I have gratitude for my life. I am SO GLAD that my life is as hard as it is.

Like I said before though, it is easy to get comfortable, to take things for granted and to get frustrated by how difficult life can be sometimes.

God knows that I will fall into that trap again...that I will complain and suffer over my impossible, unlivable life, about the unfairness and the injustice that it is to be me...

But I hope, that maybe the next time I get that way, I will center myself a bit, look around, and see the wonderful, wonderful people, events and things that I am surrounded by...and that maybe I will be able to take a step back, and say, "thank you also for this" instead of spewing my venom into the world. Because honestly, the world has way more than enough venom. A little gratitude could go a long way.

Done!

I finished another knitting project. The biggest one for sure. It's a baby blanket for someone and his/her mother, who for all I know doesn't check this blog ever/often. She could prove me wrong by leaving a comment...but I'm guessing I'm right. :) Anyway, the baby is due the same weekend of the job fair...so hopefully we'll have great things happening in threes that weekend (me and Joel finding dream jobs, a beautiful healthy baby being born, and ??? (who knows!)).

Here it is!


P.S. I need LOTS of work on sewing in all the loose ends that happen when you change balls of yarn...this was the first project for which I did it on my own...my knitting teacher did it for my other ones. Maybe you can't see the places they are sewn in in this picture, but whooeeee...in person you sure can! But, I'm going to assume that it will make it that much more endearing to the recipient. :)

Good news x 2!

OK, the best news is that Joel and I just received our invitation to the CIS job fair in London. We'll be there in February (I think the 13th-17th). This is good because we had already bought tickets to London...now they are justified! :) Just so you know, we're looking for new jobs in high paying, warm Asia. It's less than a month away! How exciting, and nerve-wracking...and oh lord, I need to find something to wear to interviews! I must again say a HUGE thank you to my Mom, my Dad and my Malda for all the help I got in getting together all my documents. I literally could not have done it without you!

The second bit of good news is that I started a new knitting project. Not only that, but I taught myself to purl. OK, those of you not into knitting are like, "What?" But, until now I only knew how to do a knit stitch and not a purl, and I taught myself last night how to do the purl...so I rock. So I went out today and got some new yarn and needles (so I can have multiple projects going at once) so I could hone my purling skills. I decided to start by making Joel another scarf (he didn't even know he needed one!) in a ribbed style. I figured this was an easy enough way to practice the purl before I attempt a more intricate pattern. I also bought the yarn to make both myself and Joel hats/beenies in a matching pattern, but different colors. These will come after this scarf. My hat will match my multi-color scarf, and Joel's will match both this new scarf and his old one. Anyway, here are some pics of the work I've accomplished on the scarf in the last hour or so. Not bad for a first-timer! Oh, and the first picture is taken with a flash and shows the true color, but the second picture, taken without flash shows the ribbing better.



Back to knitting! :)

Things I've noticed lately...

-The days are starting to get longer. It's still light out at 4:30. Wooohooo!

-I don't need as much sleep as I used to. I used to have a really fuzzy head and would be constantly yawning the next day if I went to bed later than 10 on a school night. These days I rarely go to bed before 12, and I am doing fine.

-It's tough having your belongings spread out over two continents and three households. Stuff gets lost. People don't have time to look for it. I don't have what I need when I need it. (That said, a HUGE thanks to my parents for helping me find and get everything I need!)

-I really look forward to the day when I might have a home space that I get to paint myself (as in, for my own tastes-I'm not looking for painting opportunities!), and buy matching stuff for.

-Laughing is great and I love it when Joel and I laugh together.

-Everyone has issues. Some people are just really good at hiding theirs from the outside world (which I might not really understand, but that is another point).

-In some ways I'm really ok with being me, even when me means really different from those around me. In other ways, I sometimes wish that I was more like the people I spend a lot of time around.

-Feeling the love, and faking it until I make it works. Love is good, and it's all around.

-You can't read and knit at the same time, or be on the computer and knit at the same time. Watching tv and knitting go together very well. I need something new to watch!

-It's nearly 1:30am...and I'm tired... :)

It's been like Christmas around here...

Or better yet, I suppose it's been like my birthday, since mostly, I'm the only one who's been getting presents! :)

The biggest news is that I am writing this here blog post on my brand new laptop. My awesome dad took it upon himself to roll the next year's worth of presents into one and get me something I really needed. Yay! I love it. Thanks, Dad! (This is honestly going to make such a difference in my grad school work the next 7 months!)

Also, a shout-out to Joel's brother Jem, who came over this morning and actually figured out how to make the laptop pick up the wireless. Turns out it was something fairly simple, but it wasn't something that two fairly experienced computer people (Joel and I) could figure out...we needed someone semi-professional, so thanks Jem!

Before the laptop came, arrived a package from Oz. Then, it really was like Christmas, because Joel and I got Christmas presents from his other brother Jon and his wife Courtney. It'll be a year of knitting ahead of me...thanks guys! I'm not sure if I'm going to start with the string-bikini gloves or the "Live to Knit" washcloths. Nah, in all seriousness, the year-of-knitting calendar is cool, and I have already earmarked a couple of the patterns. :)

On top of that, Joel's mum (yup, she's a mum, not a mom...) sent me a learn-to-knit book which looks quite good...and a couple of very nice balls of yarn. Thanks, Maria!

Oh and goodness, how could I forget?!? I got my new winter coat! Ooooohhheeeee! I love it! It's long (to the knees) and black and warm...what more does a girl need? Seriously, I was so used to getting an instant chill up my back when I left the house before because the coat that I was wearing most of the time was at least 4 years old, and quite worn out. The first morning I went out in my new coat I waited to feel the chill and was thrilled when long moments after I left the house I was still warm, and cozy, and fuzzy and in love with my new coat. This coat is so warm that I have to take it off if I go into a store for more than 10 minutes, because I just get hot. It's great!*

Now, don't misunderstand me...this does not mean that I really want to be outside in the winter time yet... but, it does mean that when I do have to be outside in winter time I will complain less. And this is a good thing right?

There is more Christmas coming up... the book I ordered Joel for Christmas is still on its way from the UK...last email I got said it would be here sometime in Feb. Good thing I ordered it at the beginning of Dec, right? Had I waited any longer I might have to use it as a present next Christmas!

Also, my mom finally sent out my Christmas present from her...on Jan 12. Soooo she's a little late. Better later than never...I'm waiting. :)

Wow...what a horrible post about a whole bunch of material stuff...but mostly, I guess I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave this stuff. It is nice to get presents, especially the kind that people think about and give you because they know you want or need it. And it's even better when people give you their time and knowledge...so thanks...to all of you! ;)

*Oops! Did I forget to mention that it was my awesome older brother who helped me get my hands on the coat! I did! Well, the outdoors expert helped me pick it out, had his friends help me size it, and then helped me buy it for a fraction of the reg price. :) Can't beat that. Thanks bro! :)

Pondering the new year

It's January 4th, and I've been quietly pondering the new year for a few days. The taking down of one calendar and putting up of another, the ensuing struggle to remember to write the right year in the date... it's all a part of this new beginning.

(Which is funny to me really...because right now, speaking from a purely natural and personal view point, this feels like death, like the end, not the beginning...the cold and the dark and the wind and the bleak and the dreary...if I ruled the world, I'm pretty sure the new year would start in spring...but that is another story...)

Some people make new years resolutions. I have done that before, and I don't think I have a single one that ever stuck. "This year" you know, the one where I was going to be skinny by summer, yeah, it never came. Or it disappeared, or something... I'm trying to think of what else I might have ever made resolutions about, and the sad fact may very well be that weight is the only thing I have ever felt the need to resolve (in this sense).

Looking out at this year I realize a few things-

• I will be turning 28 this year. For some of you that seems so young, for others, so old, and for still more, so familiar.
• I will officially have been part of the work force, a person who supports herself for 5 years. That seems a short time even to me. And yet...look what's behind me in those 5 years! Whew.
• This year could bring a lot of long-awaited change in my life. I have already had several inquisitive minds wanting to know...and no, I'm not pregnant...the changes I'm talking about concern the official status of my relationship as well as the location of my relationship/life. These are the things I'm hoping for a change in.

I don't know what these things mean, if they mean anything. They are ways to mark the passage of time I suppose...and of course, there is all that societal/cultural drama/expectation that goes along with these markers of the passage of time.

On new years eve I was amongst friends and loved ones, and we created visual representations of what we resolve or intend (or it seemed in some cases fear) in the new year. I chose to make mine more about intentions rather than resolutions.

What I intended most of all was lots of love...not just romantic love. I have plenty of that, and while I can always go for more, I do not see a lacking there. What I'm talking about is love that come from the inside out, from the outside in, no matter where, no matter when, no matter who I'm with. The funny thing about this kind of love is that for as much as my spiritual beliefs dictate that I already am surrounded by this stuff, that everywhere I go it is there already, I don't seem to feel it, or I ignore it, maybe even push it away.

What I intend for the new year, is to feel this love, to be aware of it, to not push it away, to receive it and most importantly to accept it, believe in it, and honor it. What I intend is that I fake it until I make it, do the outside-in thing until the inside-out thing happens naturally.

I've heard lots of women (specifically) say that their 20s were the hardest time... that they were trying, tumultuous times when figuring out who they were and what they were meant to be doing was a herculean task. When feeling good about one's self, when feeling confident was hard-won.

I start to wonder if it's the new year, or if it's the fact that I'm nearing the end of my 20s that is bringing on my current ponderings. I have to admit that while my early 20s seem light-years away, in a way, I kind of feel like I've just gotten crazier the older I've gotten. Sure, there are some things I've worked out. There are plenty other that I haven't and maybe even some (one?) that have gotten worse.

I know that I want to be able to wake up in the morning, single or married, with child or without, in Latvia or somewhere sunnier and warmer, and feel happy and loved and content and confident. This I know. How to get there to that elusive place, is as of now, still unknown to me. But this is my intention for this 28th year of my life...to get closer. And what's more, not only to do that, but to keep it more than the first few weeks of January (when most resolutions die...), more than even the first few months, into next year even, and the year after that, and ever more.

In a few short, short days I will go back to work, and between reports and my class and everything else, all of these thoughts might go flying out the window. That would make this a resolution. I hope that my intention will not fly away. Maybe this requires some sort of structure, some sort of reminders. I'll look into that. If my new year has to start now, then let it be out of this cold, dark, dead place, that something wonderful, and hopeful and love-ly grows. Let this be the year of love.






And maybe, just maybe, if love makes weight melt off...that would be ok too. This could be, "THE" year. :) (you know I had to slip that in...)