Not so long ago I didn't notice sunrises, because they happened at some point in my day when I was already very busy with children doing something or other. When work starts at 8, and the sun doesn't rise until between 9 and 10, this is the way it goes.
Since coming back to school after ski break though, I have suddenly noticed sunrises, because they are happening sometime while I'm still at home getting ready for my day (which makes MUCH more sense doesn't it?).
Maybe the noticeable sunrises (and general abundance of light) are the reason for my improved mood of late, but I think it might also be something else.
I think I might be feeling so much more cheery in general because I no longer feel stuck. Even though we are, as of now, still undecided about where we will be come August, I am nonetheless excited that we'll be somewhere (else).
Feeling stuck is unpleasant, as it's a feeling of powerlessness. There were so many factors involved in this particular stuck, including, but not limited to:
-Feeling guilty or not good enough for not only not loving, but not being able to happily handle or choose life in Riga. What does this mean to my status as "Latvian"? Does it change? Does it revert to what it was before I lived in Latvia? Certainly, legally, if I don't return within however many years, I do stand losing my repatriate status. Does not feeling at home in Latvia make me less Latvian? I know that these are questions that other not-born-in-Latvia Latvians have asked themselves, and some have found answers. I'm not sure that I have.
-Not wanting to be the thing that took Joel away from Latvia. I love this man, I do. And I think he and I are pretty darn good together. He's got some strong ties here in Latvia, in an odd way, I would say that his ties to this place are almost stronger than mine. He has more invested here, and he is closer to the family he has here. I did not want to be *that* girl, the one that he did something for, that he would not have otherwise done...the one that he did something he didn't really want to do for.
-Not wanting to be the woman who conceded herself and her needs for a man. This obviously ties into the previous point. I cannot help the fact that I was born and raised in the time of strong, independent, fight the man women; in a time when it is practically sac religious to even compromise what's for dinner, never mind what you're going to do with your life. In some ways though, I find myself fighting myself on this...because, although I am not keen on giving up everything I want in life, at the same time, I do very much feel like, as long as I have certain things, I'm willing to leave lots of other choices up to someone else. According to the strong independent woman code, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be making each and every decision for and by myself (and probably I shouldn't even be having a relationship...). I don't know. I guess in a time when the strong, independent woman code still shares life space with size 0 supermodels, I am a bit confused about all of it.
-I have so much stuff! Three years is enough time to accumulate quite a bit. Just having this much stuff made me not want to have to deal with leaving. But, some stuff I am already looking at knowing that I will be quite willing to part with it. Other stuff I am wondering how I will get to where I am going...and what I will do with it when I get there. Some of it is not appropriate for the climates we're headed to....other stuff is just sentimental, and not stuff I need in my daily life, but not something I want to get rid of anyway. Also, it's not like I can have a garage/yard sale here...so how am I going to get rid of some of this stuff???
I think it's understandable how these and other forces combined to make me feel stuck...like I would be f-ed if I stayed, f-ed if I left.
Thankfully, the feeling of stuck is gone. I guess that makes sense...but the extent to which I feel freedom to be, to be with Joel, to choose, to be proactive is amazing. It's been a while since I felt this way.
Even better than the sunrises, the sunsets are also a part of my awareness these days, as they are happening sometime after I leave work, instead of while I'm still there, still busy with the previously mentioned children. Maybe it's the sunsets that have really upped my general mood.
I'm guessing though that it's not the sunrises or the sunsets (although I do acknowledge that they are only helping!) that are making me feel happier, saner and more alive than I have in a long time... it's the prospect of new beginnings, of new adventures, of being able to do it all with someone I care deeply about...it's losing stuck.
4 comments:
Here's my .02 from someone who's been in your shoes, sort of.
First off, being a Latvian has nothing to do with living in Latvija. It doesn't make me less Latvian because I don't live there and doesn't make you more Latvian because you do. Latvian has to do with what's inside you. Eriks nor Lane are Latvian by blood however they are embracing it as though they were - speaking Latvian, doing Latvian things, etc.
Secondly and this is the more important point. It's not about forcing the man you love to move or losing yourself for a man. Love means being willing to do whatever it takes for you to stay together including sometimes leaving family behind. Been there done that. It's not a permanent change, it's temporary. Eventually if you two stay together and get married, you might want a family. Most people when they decide to have a family settle down.
I gave up everything I knew for a life totally unknown almost 12 years ago. It was scary as hell. I had never lived anywhere but Indy and with my family. I've traversed the country with the man I love. I'm glad this portion of our lives is coming to an end and we will be able to settle somewhere in a few years. But if you ask me, because I love him so much, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Love sometimes is about sacrifice. Lane could've easily been promoted, but he chose his wife and his family over his career.
I know your not religious but I know there's a phrase in the Bible that says, "Where'er you go I will go." It's a key phrase in love because love is not about you or him, it's about both of you and doing what it takes to keep it together.
I'm done rambling. That will be $250. for the therapy session (wink, wink).
I don't know which strong, independent woman code you signed, but the one I saw certainly differed a lot from yours! Maybe they do those things differently in Austrlia ;)Strength and independence manifest themselves in many nuanced ways :))
You know Mook...maybe I didn't read the fine print. :) Like I said in the post...a lot of that is still very confusing to me, because I do still feel like I get a lot of mixed messages from all over (media, family, friends, etc) and you know me...it's hard for me to choose who to believe, and harder yet to form my own opinion. But I'm working on it!
Regarding the stuff. Give it away. It is very liberating.
When I left the US for China, I gave stuff. When I left China I REALLY gave stuff. When I got back here, all the missing things didn't matter because friends gave me replacements or I bought stuff cheap at re-sale stores. I realized it didn't matter I had given so much stuff away because I just forgot about it anyway! OR Box it up and sell it to incoming international people. 1 big Box. 50 bucks or something.
The keepsakes, that's a hard one, I focus on pictures and small things. Good luck
Post a Comment