Heartburn...

I've been dealing with really horrible heartburn since I got to Angola. I've never in my life been a heart burn sufferer until now, except a short spell in Riga when school life was so stressful and honestly, scary, that it brought on heartburn.

When you look in the "little blue book" that some of us are known to carry where ever we go, heartburn is associated with one thing and one thing only- fear.

I've looked into foods and stuff that cause heartburn- tomatoes, alcohol, citrus, dairy, caffeine, some spices. I've thought about eliminating them, or about using other natural remedies to cure heartburn (drinking vinegar, eating apples or celery, drinking a baking soda/water mix)- but, of course I find it just as important (if not more) to look at the deeper causes. So the question begs:

What am I afraid of?

What is it, that is literally eating me up from the inside out?

Am I brave enough to even explore some possibilities?

Marrying Joel is something that I wanted to do since, well, about day three of knowing him. And when he asked, there was no hesitation in my heart- I said yes. That said, when your four parents average 3 marriages a piece (2, 3, 3, and 4), it doesn't really give you much hope for yourself. Joel and I have talked about this, and he swears that he would not have asked me, that he would not enter into this commitment lightly, without knowing that it is forever. Of course, he's got some good role models for a what a lasting marriage looks like (one version anyway). There is a fear that one way or another, I'm not doing something right. I know that I am not my parents- but sometimes I think, "they're smart people, and they chose wrong (more than once!)- why am I any different?" I don't know if all people entering into a marriage face similar fears, or if it's just someone like me- but either way, there is a certain fear.

And moving on to what else there is to be afraid of. What if despite my efforts, I still look the way I do, come time for dress measurements, and come the wedding day? I only wish that this wasn't one of my greatest fears, but it is.

The thing that gets me is that if it were just about discipline, I'd be there. Look at me- I quit smoking again, a year ago. And that was it. No it wasn't pretty for a few weeks, but it was over. I was no longer a smoker, I had quit. It is/was an addiction. And there is no question in my mind that if I smoked one cigarette today, I would smoke a pack tomorrow- because, that is what addictions are like. Whether physical or emotional (and usually both) one or the other hooks you again, and you're back where you ended. You're right back in the middle of your addiction. So I don't smoke. And it isn't even an option anywhere in me to smoke. I just don't. Period.

But, unfortunately, I can't quit food. It's not an option. Because if it was, I'm sure I could do it. But when you have to have a little, it's harder to stop before you've hit too much.

And so the fear develops- will I be a fat bride? Will I feel ashamed and embarrassed during the week by the pool that will be our "wedding event" because of not even wanting to be in a bathing suit?

Worse yet will I look back on the pictures of that day, and regret that I could not have done more, been more, achieved more by the time the day rolled around?

The deeper fear unearths itself- have I forever lost "the look" that once was mine?

Lastly, there's been a whole lot of people around me having babies lately. They've either had em, are working on the finishing touches (that is, they're pregnant), trying to make em, or planning with certainty when they will start trying. I know that Joel and I have a plan of our own, so maybe we fit into that last category, but sometimes it feels like it will never happen; like the time will never actually get here. And so the fear... the fear that this thing, this desire, which feels bigger than anything I have ever felt before, will not be met, will not ever come to fruition. And sometimes, when this desire feels so, so, so big it seems silly to wait- wait for what? But then- wait to get married, wait to finish up this contract in Luanda, wait and have some more time together as a couple... but man, sometimes, it's hard all this waiting- especially when everyone else around you is no longer waiting.

So I'm trying to deal with these fears... trying to not focus on them, because I know it doesn't help anything (hurts if anything), but the question is, how does one move past such fears (especially in order to stop the heartburn) without dealing with em? I mean, you have to focus on em a bit to deal with em.

It feels like round and round in circles I go- never getting anywhere with this. Trying, trying... to avoid the heartburn, if nothing else.