Back in Riga....

It was a long day of travel... I left the apartment in Madrid at around 9:30 Sunday morning, and did not land in Riga until 11pm that night. Long day. But it was all made worth it by being met at the airport by my wonderful, immensely missed boyfriend who greeted me with a lily because he knows how much I love the scent.

Being back in Riga has been interesting. I haven't been feeling 100%...dragging around, sleeping a lot, tummy issues... not nice. None of it is helped by the fact that Riga is rainy and (relatively) cold at 12 degrees. I'm quite frightened that we will not see any more nice weather before next spring. Please Mother Nature, prove me wrong!!!

Upon my return Joel's brother and wife were in town visiting. It was great to meet another of Joel's brothers (and his wife!). Until now, I had seen pictures of the two that don't live in Latvia, but they weren't all that real to me, since I hadn't met them. It was just plain cool to watch a bigger group of this rather large family together. It was also very cool when one evening after dinner, we women moved into the kitchen to "clean up" (ok, so the dishes got done, but when it comes down to it, we were talk, talk, talking!) and the boys got to have some alone time as well. I have to say, that this is one great family (trying hard not to jump the gun) I've gotten mixed up with! We said our goodbyes to the visiting couple tonight as they jet off very early tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow Joel and I begin the task of cleaning and packing... it's time to move again. On Saturday we will be moving into a new (much larger) apartment, nearer to school. The downside is that it is located the other side of the river, which means the stagger home from the bar on Friday night will no longer be a 5-minute deal, but rather will involve a bus/tram/taxi ride. But, the additional space will really make a (highly positive) difference. I'll send out the new address to those of you who might want it soon.

Since coming back to Riga my mind has been swirling with thousands of thoughts on being here. Even as I was sitting in Copenhagen at the gate listening to all the Latvians and Russians gathering there, I wondered to myself if they were feeling happy to get home, excited to return to the streets of Riga, or whatever small Latvian town they call home. Did they miss the "way things work" here? Did they miss the food? Or was it just their friends and family that they are happy to see again?

When I got through customs to the baggage claim, I was faced with a what looked like the whole flight massed shoulder to shoulder around the baggage belt, so much so that I could not see through them. I stood back, unwilling to be one of them fighting for a spot at the front. And the thought that ran through my head next, "Welcome back to Latvia, the land of the fashion victim." I was looking at disturbingly skinny women dressed in next to nothing (outfits that I would expect only someone who is awaiting her musical cue to hit the pole to wear), and even more normal-bodied women wearing clothes so extremely ill-fitting or just plain unflattering. (As a side note, a few of us discussed this issue of fashion victim one night, and came to the conclusion that the thing that makes it so obnoxious here is that it seems people of all ages get sucked into it... where in other countries it seems that generally, it's teenagers who wear ALL the bad trends, get the bad haircuts, and torture themselves for fashion, here it seems that it's everyone-and of course, when I say everyone, I do not include people I actually know, but rather people I see on the street!)

So first there was the annoyance of how people treat each other here, how they treat strangers, then the fashion and the anorexia... after the airport, it was the weather... ugh, this is summer? I know, from having been here last summer, that this is not normal per se... but, I have to say it sucks either way.

Then, in the next few days, Joel and I engaged in several conversations about money... especially revolving around trips we'd like to take and paying for this whole masters thing (which of course is completely my responsibility, but effects him anyway because it limits me). I'm not one to live with a scarcity conversation about money, in fact, I wholly believe in generosity and that things happen to meet not only my needs, but also my desires. But in this next year, I just don't see it all adding up to make everything we'd like to see happen happen. Which really sucks, because I would really like to make it to Australia, and I would really like to get myself and Joel to my "home" too.

So all of these things which have been right there in my head...not to mention the little things that are always there (the thought of the approaching winter, wondering what to do about wanting to get back into yoga and not having the options I would like, and facing going grocery shopping again with the oh so limited options). Initially, it makes me want to scream at Joel for wanting to stay here at all, when there are so many options available to us out there...options in which many, if not all, of these issues would lessen if not disappear.

But then, there are other things, like Joel's sister in law's (the one who lives here) reaction to the thought of us leaving. And there are Joel's thoughts on it as well. He's happy here, and isn't that what I want for him, to be happy? (Yes, it is, it really, really is.) And what about wanting to raise my future children (at least speaking) Latvian someday...will that happen elsewhere?

In the end, certainly no decisions have been made. And they probably won't be made anytime soon. But the thoughts are there, currently making me wonder how I will make it through the next school year.

So here I am back in Riga... thoughts swirling.

Lest I come across resentful at being here let me add.... I'm not against Latvia. I'm not against living here. I have friends here. I have a job that brings me joy (when we look only at the working with the kids part of it). I love the idea of being in Latvia, the country that my grandparents came from. I think it's really cool that I get to know relatives who previously were just "the ones who lived over there." And even more cool that one of these is now my goddaughter (which surely would not have happened had I not moved here)! I am still delighted at the fact that I live "overseas" with greater access to the rest of the world. I love that I can speak Latvian here, and have people pronouce and spell my name correctly.

And most of all... I am glad that I came here, and that I stayed after that first pretty difficult year, because I did meet Joel. Another thought that rose out of thoughts and conversations over the last few days is if I may be one of those people for whom "home", truly is, "where the heart is." Perhaps this is why Michigan and surrounding areas (where friends and family live) are still very dear to me, and why Shanghai holds a special place in my heart. And why, no matter what else, I will stay here, if Joel wants to stay here. Those who know me well, know that I have always put a great deal of worth on loving. And those who know me well, also know that even when I am happy I let all my other thoughts out as well, all of the ones that question, dislike and search for change. Maybe, quite possibly, I give those thoughts too much voice, more voice, than I give the others.

None the less, happiness dwells quite abundantly inside of me. I enjoy the charms of every day life in Latvia... without them, or the charms of any other place, life would be boring. And if nothing else, the long, cold Latvian winter will be good for staying inside and studying/writing papers this year as I continue to work through my masters!