Gone Soft

I don't know when it happened, but I've gone soft. I lost my rough city-girl attitude.

I used to walk through the streets of Shanghai and Riga without a care in the world. I walked with purpose. I kept my eyes where I wanted them- usually with a hard stare, I'd challenge anyone who dared look my way.

These days, the walk to the gym terrifies me. I only have to walk about 10 minutes, a couple of blocks to the gym. But, I have to say, I head deeper into a neighborhood rather than towards the city center- I don't really know how to classify this area as different from mine, but it is. For one thing, the further I walk away from home, the more Russian I hear. The more bums I see. The more people without teeth. The more that look like they haven't had a good meal or shower in days, weeks, maybe months. Definitely more that look that they never received the psychological care they should have. Thing is, I'm not sure this would be classified as a bad neighborhood in Riga, in fact, I don't think so.

Because I am on my way to the gym I carry my backpack with all my stuff on my back. In there, buried (on purpose) at the bottom of the middle pocket is my wallet. I carry it there because I figure the pickpockets round these parts are good enough to get into the small front pocket and take it without my noticing- but it's not likely that they'll get to the bottom of the middle pocket without my noticing.

The sad thing is, as I walk these days, I am constantly jumping. As soon as someone passes me a little too close (which, let's admit, they all do!) I jump. I'm scared. I don't feel safe. I've gone soft.

Is it because this city just wears on me more and more the longer I am here? Is it because I have nearly been pick-pursed once, and Joel has been successfully pick-pocketed?

Or is it because I was recently in the States, where, for whatever reason, I felt safe?

I was talking to my gym buddy about this matter this afternoon while we were on the treadmills. I told her I'd gone soft, and that my best guess is only because I was just in the States, where I felt safe. She stared wide-eyed at me, and said that she feels much safer here than in her home country of Sweden. She went on to list the murders, kidnappings and rapes that have happened recently in Sweden. She says, "You just don't hear of that kind of stuff happening here!"

Now, to that I reply- media is media. Whether or not a crime is reported is quite different than whether or not it has occurred. Now, don't get me wrong- I'm not claiming that Latvia has record high unreported crime rates. I am just having a guess that when it comes to certain crimes, it may be true. My guess, is that rape is probably highly unreported in Latvia. I wonder if Latvia even has a term such as "date rape". I'm getting too off topic, and if anyone knows the answers to my questions, and cares to share, I look forward to your comments. Feel free to prove me wrong, set me straight, or just share your opinion.

Here is the thing either way though- there are crazy people everywhere you go. I don't think there are any more murderers, rapists, or kidnappers per capita in the US, Sweden or Australia than there are in Latvia. I don't think there are any less though either. Crazy people are everywhere! And the thing about those crazy people is, if they wanna get ya, they'll get ya- as we've seen in the news- at your house, at the mall, at school, on a jogging track, in a parking lot- they'll get ya.

Now, I do what I can to stay safe from those crazies- I don't walk alone at night too often, I don't draw unnecessary attention to myself- I don't know what else, but I try to stay safe.

What I would say there are more of, or what I FEEL like there are more of in Riga, are people that might just get you on the street for some small thing, like pick-pocketing. Maybe they also just LOOK like they are going to beat you up because they all look so mean here, because nobody smiles, but- in any case- what I'm saying is that I feel less and less safe all the time here.

In the States I felt safe- not just in Kalamazoo, but in Chicago, Indianapolis, Lansing, etc- everywhere I went I felt safe. Maybe that is because it was familiar. Maybe it is because in the States most of the time I was "going" I was going in a car- which automatically closes me off from most of the crazies, and certainly any pick-pockets.

Honestly, even in Chicago, late at night, when Joel and I were out walking about, I wasn't phased. Sure, there are just as many bums on the streets of Chicago as there are in Riga- but, honestly, not as many of them look like they've wrongly released from the asylum. Sure, they beg for money, and heck, lots of 'em are quite talkative and follow you for a bit, really working you to get something- but it's annoying- it's not scary. Maybe it should have been scary? It wasn't.

All I know is that in the States, I wasn't jumping out of my skin when people passed by too close. Lately, it's all I can do not to gasp, and I find myself doing that silly cartoonish turning in circles to see if my bag has been opened every time it happens. I'm constantly glancing over my shoulder.

I don't know what the deal is with me- why this sudden change in my perception. But in any case, it is what it is- I've gone soft.

(added Wednesday morning) P.S. I should add here that my general purpose in writing this post is not to pick on Latvia- more so, I'm wondering, what am I going to feel like in Luanda? Maybe living on a compound will be good for me for a while! :) Also, as the commenter mentioned, is this just age? I know I'd generally be considered too young to let age affect me in this kind of way... but who knows... maybe I'm an early bloomer when it comes to getting old. :)