Reflections on growing up

I just read a book called Prep, written by Curtis Sittenfeld. It's the story of a middle-class, mid-west girl who goes to ritzy boarding school on the east coast. It was a good story. I really liked it. But it made me remember my own high school experience, and those years of life, as I was still growing to become the woman I am today.

At a time when I had thankfully passed those years, I remember watching a friend of mine KM, the little sister I never had, if you will, buy some make up for the first time. Being a young teenager, she had come upon some money one way or another, maybe babysitting, maybe it was from a birthday or Christmas. She decided that she wanted to purchase foundation with this money. Her mom ok'ed it, and so they headed to the Clinique counter. Then there she stood, looking at all the different kinds, for different skin types, ones to reduce wrinkles, or dry skin or some other "horrible" thing, and then the colors... how do you pick the right one? Her mom and I were standing there letting her try to decide, to pick, make the choice. And then the sales lady came up and offered help. This only increased the difficulty of making the choice. I recognized this situation. Or, that is, I felt that I probably remembered what she was feeling... because I know I had felt it before.

Even with something as trivial as make up, making a choice was a matter of asserting yourself. Even declaring that she was ready to choose make up... to enter into this dimention of grown-upness... was a stand. It was big. But then, she got there, and realized that she didn't know how to make the right choice. And standing there, saying she's ready to be grown up, yet realizing that this simple choice is one that she wants to know how to make, instead of having to learn it, makes her instantly feel too young to make it. And she questions whether or not at this pivotal point, it would make or break her to actually accept help.

Of course, this is all in my imagination, what she was going through... but I felt that I could see it all going on inside, and like I said, it was certainly only because I *know* that I had been there myself.

I also remember that as a young woman, that is as a teen, I longed to spend time with women whom I looked up to. My mom, MM, some of my mother's other friends, certainly my aunt RJ and gram AH, and without question my great-aunts AS and EL. I loved the conversations they would have. The insights they made available to me. I always looked forward to it. But undoubtably there was always a point where they would look at me, and offer me an out, to go do something else, because surely, I must be bored. I would realize that the reason they thought this was because I hadn't spoken. Maybe I had something to add to the conversation, and maybe I didn't, but I certainly didn't have the courage to speak up. I was learning, from these mountains of strength, how to be the kind of woman I wanted to be. I never minded that I didn't really have anything to add to the conversation. I just loved to listen. To laugh when it was appropriate, which amogst these women was often enough. In my pre-childbearing state, I still don't really get peeing your pants from these laughing fits, but maybe someday I will. :)

The same day that this friend bought the make up, we had gone out to lunch, she, her mom and I. It was during this lunch when I was sharing stories of living in China, of what my life and job were like there, that I noticed that dear KM was doing the same thing I used to do. She sat there quietly, eating, listening. When I asked her to share about her life, her answers were short, self-dismissive. I can only imagine that while she was probably desperate to share, to BE a part of the "more grown up" conversation, she didn't want to focus the attention on herself, to halt the converstion that was already going on.

When I look at my life now, I am well aware that I have much to be thankful for. I have already in my short (nearly) 27 years experienced a lot. I've lived in amazing places, met great people, explored cultures, and had so many ups and down with men, you'd wonder if I really was 27. But, it's all been a part of making me uniquely and wonderfully who I am today. No, it hasn't been easy. And when I think back on those years in high school... between fair weather friends, the stress of fitting in or not, the academic pressure, dealing with new emotions (and old ones) and wanting to have fun, and never being satisfied with "appropriate" fun... it was a tough ride. They aren't years that I would go back and relive for anything. But, I cannot say that I would erase them, or even forget them... because if I hadn't stumbled through learning how to buy and apply make up then, would I be doing it now? If I hadn't figuratively stumbled blindfolded through so many relationships in my younger years, would I be, eyes wide open, in the happy relationship I am in now?

Life had a lot of ups and downs, and I am in no way deluded enough to assume that mine are over. Reading this book just made me appreciate the experience of being a young woman. Of what it was like for me, and what it might be like for those around me. Certainly, reading Prep made me realize that some of the experiences and emotions I had were not unique, and THAT is a relief. :)