How silly...

So... I leave for Madrid in....22 days! Yipes!

But why am I worried? I moved to China by myself... I moved to Latvia by myself... why would I be so anxiety ridden about going to Spain by myself?

Well, for starters, it's not like I'm just going for a vacation or a job... I'm going to study. It's been 4 years since I had to read text books, do research, write papers. It's been 4 years since I had to try to appear highly intelligent. I mean, come on, my Kindergarteners think I'm amazing for being able to print (as in write by hand) so fast (yes, they actually say that to me- "How can you write so fast Ms. P? Wow!")! So, although I am doing well with getting most of the pre-assigned reading done, and planning to start those pre-assigned writing assignments any day now (probably when school gets out) I'm still nervous about the actual academics. And just the other day I sent in a completed pre-course survey that one of my profs sent by email. Today I got an email from him saying that I have the distinct honor of being the first person to get it back to him. I have his compliments and his thanks. :) I guess I'm off to a good start, at least with him.

Ok, so school is worrisome, and will probably be stressful even once I get there and get into it, but as usual with school, I'm sure that as long as I stay in action and working, I'll be ok.

So why else am I anxiety ridden? Well, here is the scenario that keeps running through my head.... I get to Madrid, somebody from Endicott picks me up from the airport and takes me to my apartment. I am happy to have been taken so far, and probably equally happy that night to settle in, unpack, get comfortable. But then, Saturday comes. I wake up, and I'm hungry. But paralyzed with the fear that if I leave the apartment I will either get lost, or not be able to find a grocery store, or get mugged, or not be able to communicate effectively enough to buy anything, or not be able to find my way home, or not be able to get in my new flat on homecoming I sit in the apartment all day starving. When my roommate arrives Sunday afternoon, I am so happy to see her that I abandon all vegetarianism and civility and eat her. See why I'm nervous? In my own mind, I'm already a cannibal!

I found out yesterday that on Saturday the 30th (my first full say in Madrid) is the Gay Pride parade in Madrid, and they are expecting 2 million people in the streets that day. Sounds like LOTS of fun, if only I had someone with me. I'd love to go out and celebrate my "straight but not narrow" identity. Alone, the sound of that absolutely terrifies me.

I don't speak Spanish. I've heard that Madrid in summer time is like Riga in summer time, no locals, except the ones that are there to serve the tourists. So, it's possible that the lack of Spanish won't be a huge problem. But I also don't want to offend anyone, or commit any cultural faux pas.

But, this is an opportunity for growth. Because, lets face it... there is room to grow. Let's look back at previous experiences.... when I came to Latvia in 1999 to visit my then boyfriend, I didn't leave the house during the day, because I wasn't going to go out alone. I spent WAY too much time watching really bad Latvian/European tv. And what a sad way to spend 3 weeks in Latvia in summer time! Then, in China...I was so overwhelmed by the WHOLE experience that I literally did not go out of my apartment without an escort for the first couple of weeks. That first day, I didn't even know how to find my way out of the compound! Lord how overwhelm can cloud the brain. So really, it can only get better. I did much better when I came to Latvia this time, but I think I had the language skills on my side, upping my confidence.

The thing is that I know once I get to Madrid, and especially once my roommate gets there, I will be fine. I'll figure out where things are, how to work the locks, what I can and can't buy, and enough of the simple phrases needed not to mortally offend any locals.

But, see, this knowledge doesn't stop me from being anxiety riddled now. How silly.