A post!

It's not about my kid.  How about that? 

Here is what I have noticed about myself lately.  I have an intense need for conversation.  I need to be able to talk.  I need to be able to talk to people OTHER than my two year old.  

The unfortunate thing is that I have noticed this because I have found myself in certain social situations talking someone's ear off...and then thinking, "Oh man.... was that overkill or what?"  

I went to visit my mom a week or so ago and even though we had some plan on getting to the park or something, we ended up just sitting in the living room, Beni playing at our feet, just TALKING.  

I need friends- local friends, friends that I can relate to about stuff that is going on in my life now.  I do think this is partially why I blog and participate on message boards online, because when I'm lacking these people in real life, I can at least have some similar interaction online- although blogging, of course, is often mostly one-sided.  

Anyway, there really isn't much more to say about it... I need to talk.  I need to get things out.  And it's much more satisfying to talk to a person/people who can relate to what I'm talking about.  I love my sisters-in-law for being people that have provided this for me... of course I love my girlfriends for the same reason... I just sure do wish they weren't all so spread out around the world and hard to come by.  

Cause I'm just saying...I need to talk!     

Beni turned two!

On April 24, 2012, Benita turned two.  It still boggles my mind how two years can go by so quickly.  One of my brothers (also recently a new father) said to me that he has also now figured out that there is nothing like a baby to accelerate time like never before.  Amen to that!  

On April 21st, we gathered at the Van Buren house in South Haven with friends and family to celebrate this milestone of Beni's.  We had a really lovely time.  The party was on Saturday, and as is our tradition now around Beni's birthday, some of my friends and their kids stayed the weekend, and Sunday morning we went out for a great breakfast at our favorite joint, Phoenix St. Cafe. It really was a great time.  The kids (who have multiplied from 2 toddlers the weekend of Beni's birth to 2 preschoolers, 2 toddlers (including Beni), 1 baby and 2 on the way at her second birthday!) had a great time playing, and we adults all really enjoyed each other's company as well.  

Here are some snaps from the party! 

We had a Dora theme, as Beni is currently OBSESSED.

Forgot to take an actual close up of the cake...this is the best I have!

Beni in her birthday outfit.  It ended up being quite
chilly that day- thank goodness I bought the leggings
and long sleeved undershirt! 

Silliness! 

Beni's party fell on the same day as her cousin Shyreece's birthday! 

Proud Vecmammina cuddles Elton John Beni. 

They were Dora glasses, but the Elton John lookalikeness was too strong!

Beni with her three cousins that live with Vecmammina and Dan.

Opening presents!  Beni received quite a few Dora items!

The youngest party guest (if not counting in-utero ones separately!)

One of our favorite party guests. :) 

A stunning card made by my friend using Beni's birth announcement!

Beni plays with her new kitchen along with her cousin Vasara

It was a hit with all the kids!

I did a horrible job of taking photos that day, so I missed getting snaps of quite a few of the guests.  Oops.  The one person who was really, really missing was Joel.  We all missed him lots.  Hopefully, we won't be celebrating too many more birthdays EVER when we're not all together.

Thanks again to everyone who made Beni's day a special one for her and me! :)

Another letter to my daughter

Beni, dear Beni,


There will come a day, I'm sure, when you will look back on some time in your life, and you will think about me, "What was she thinking?"  I know I've had these thoughts sometimes about your grandparents- because it is endlessly hard to imagine what your parents were like, who they were, when you yourself were a young child.  But I want you to know one thing- I'm trying my best.


My best changes day to day- especially now, and for the last few months, as I'm constantly preoccupied with growing your brother or sister.  Some days I have very little energy, and even less patience.  Some days are wonderful.  On the days when I find it in myself to be better, we have a grand ole time- we play, we read, we laugh.  It's good.  But there are days when I am tired, when there is much to do, when you decide to be super-toddler independent when we do nothing but clash all day.  Those days are hard, and for as much as you quickly dissolve into tears every time you get frustrated, know that come the end of the day, when I have your dad to turn to, I often find myself lost in sobs as well.  And these tears, Beni, are not because I have ill feelings toward you, but because I always feel on the tough days that I have let you down- that I should have been able to find more patience, that I should have been able to try to figure out what it was you wanted, that I should have just left the cleaning or cooking or whatever until later, and just played with you.   I always feel like I should have been more for you.


So know this Beni- I worry about doing right by you, and being enough for you ALL THE TIME.  I never finished writing this piece I wanted to write about modern parenting as I see it... but let me copy an excerpt of what was running through my head the day I started it...


Worry, worry, worry.

This has been a theme recently in my life.  I’ve talked about it with a few friends, and mentioned it in emails.  It is, for sure, a parent’s natural instinct to worry.  But I find myself wondering about the amount of things there are to worry about and whether or not that has changed over the years.

Thousands of years ago, I imagine, worries were pretty basic.  Find food.  Find shelter. Try not to get eaten.  Over time the look of things changed, but the basic worry was still mostly the same- make sure your family is taken care of, healthy, fed, and safe. 

But it feels as though these days maybe we have entered a new realm of worry, where far beyond worrying just about our physical needs, there is so much pressure to also make sure that your family, your children, are EMOTIONALLY safe and healthy.  Or, in addition to the old worries about physical safety, now we have a whole slew of new worries- brought on by a changing world and society.  The more we know, the more there is to worry about!  We don’t just worry about feeding, clothing and educating our children anymore.  Now, there are 10 million bajillion safety standards that you can try to keep up with, and a consumerist society trying to sell you 10 million bajillion and one products that will keep your baby safe.  We used to just feed our families, because food was food.  Now, the marketplace is absolutely FLOODED with products labeled as food, many of which taste very good, which are not food at all- and it is up to parents to be able to know what is healthy for their children and what is not.  And if something is unhealthy, is it something that is still ok to have as a treat, or not at all?  This same food/food product is causing health issues, seen and unseen- some we don’t even know about.  It’s up to us to try to avoid all of that for our kids- AND, if we deal with it ourselves, to try to fix it for ourselves in the meantime.  Connected to this worry, is that as technology continues to advance, more and more fun gadgets and games are created that will entertain our children for hours, while also potentially rotting their brains AND keeping them sedentary, thereby also rotting their bodies.  It is up to us to decide how much of any of this is ok for our children if any at all.  An added frustration comes when you, as an adult, find that you adore your tv, or computer, the internet and facebook.  You must lead by example for your children, and not spend too much time on any of it.  Not that many years ago, mothers still smoked while pregnant… these days, you don’t just not smoke while pregnant, you also have to avoid second hand smoke, and then not just that, there is also third hand smoke to worry about!   

And then there are the emotional worries… there is attachment- does your child know that you love them, and have a healthy attachment to you- knowing that you are always there for them, that they can depend on you for anything- but at the same time, isn’t TOO attached, too dependent (and how do you define that anyway?).  Does your child feel good about him or herself… have a healthy self-esteem, a healthy body imagine, a healthy appreciation for what s/he can and cannot do? Is he or she being supported in developing thinking skills, emotional intelligence, physical abilities… and everything else?  Are you managing to do all of this WITHOUT being a helicopter parent?  Because that is harmful as well!  I don’t even know that I can define too many more examples of this emotional stuff, but, what I do know is that I seem to feel some grave responsibility over whether or not Beni will end up in therapy.  (Did my parents worry about that?  Do they feel guilty or responsible that I did end up in therapy?)        

As you can see Beni, parenting you has made me a complete basket case!  Some days, all these things to worry about end up producing enough anxiety in me to make me wonder if there is any way we'll all survive this!  And the time when I wrote this was a particularly emotional/fragile time for me- early in your sibling's pregnancy.  I don't spend every day in such a swirl of thoughts, but I will admit that most days, like I said, I worry about doing right by you.  I always wonder where I should draw the line when it comes to things like unhealthy foods, screen time, and a few other things.  I worry if I'm meeting your needs emotionally and if the parenting methods I've chosen are the ones that will really benefit you in the long run.    


In the end, I do think we're doing ok by you, both your dad and I.  Neither one of us is perfect, and both of us have strengths and weaknesses as people and as parents.  But one thing I know for sure- we love you, and we both worry about doing right by you.  I don't know that your dad worries about these things as much as I do, but that's just because he's not as neurotic as I am.  ;)     


In the end, Beni, this is all I really wanted to say... I want you to know now, then, forever, that I am doing my best, always trying my best for you- and maybe it's not always enough, not really want you want- but I am trying.  One thing, that I will never fail you in, is loving you.  I love you more every day than I ever thought possible.  You still get kisses and hugs like they are going out of style, and most days you stop me in my tracks and just fill me with amazement at who you are and what you can do.  I'm still honored and proud to be your mom, and I don't think that will ever change... even if we go through lots of more tough days, which I am sure we will.  


I love you, Beni-boo!


Mamma  

The gift of sleep

This morning I awoke, picked up my ipod to see the time, and was shocked to see it was already past 6... I looked to see where you were sweet Beni... and you were there, still in your own bed, next to mine.  You had slept from just past 8 the night before, all night in your own bed.  You didn't end up stirring until about 15 minutes later, when you lunged yourself, eyes barely open, into my side, and cuddled up.  I don't know if you were cold, or if you just needed some love.  You slept another 15 or so minutes before you asked to nurse.  I obliged.  And then you slept again, nestled into my arm until 8:15!  I was actually awake before you.  And I took a picture of you with my ipod... to remind myself of the magical moments that happen in a day...to reflect on the next time I think I'm going to strangle you.

Because, dear child, you and I are going to butt heads.  I can already see it so clearly.  Your teenage years are going to be hard on me and you, and I bet you're going to develop an AWESOME relationship with your dad. We'll see of course, I'd love to be wrong about this, but, this is my prediction.

Maybe then, 12-14 years from now, I will be able to look back on the photo of a little sleeping girl, nestled into my arm, and remember when you gave me the gift of sleep.  And it will put a smile on my face then, as it does now.

You are 1 year, 9 mos and 8 days old- 21 mos for simplicity's sake. Someday- maybe when you are wondering when YOUR child will EVER sleep through the night- I will tell you, "Well, you never slept through the night until you were 21 mos old!"  And again, I will smile to myself.

Dear Beni,

These days, you look at me like this a lot. A LOT. 

 You are almost 17 months old.  The only other letter I have ever written to you is in your baby book.  I wrote that one when you were still quite young, maybe 5 months old.  A lot has changed since then.  YOU have changed since then (A LOT).  I kind of wish I had written you more of these letters, because, despite the hard time I always give your grandma for not remembering anything of my childhood, I already don't remember so many little details of yours! Our days are so full, it's impossible to remember it all.  So I won't.  But I'll tell you a bit about you now.

You are no longer a baby.  I'm not going to lie, I mourn this.  I miss your babyness.  I am a lover of babies.  I loved the days when you were happy to just be in my arms, to nurse, to be changed, to sleep.  I loved loving you and being there for you always.  But you have grown and grown and grown into this AMAZING little girl.  You surprise me every day with the things you know and understand.  I miss your babyness, but, I love and adore your toddlerness as well.

Today, we were Skyping with your grandma and she asked you where the dog was.  Maybe a slightly odd question since we don't have a dog, and there wasn't one around for you to see.  You walked away from us at the computer, but the next minute you returned with your animal book, and opened it up to find the dog!  You understand so much of what is going on around you.  But you're a stinker.  Even though you understand, you don't necessarily respond or listen quite often.  We say you are developing a personality.  Maybe your stubbornness is just a part of this phase of life.  I guess we'll see.

Stubborn

When you do listen though, we have a lot of fun.  You can tell me when you're hungry (you still sign for that), when you want to nurse (always, all the time, also a sign), when you want to go outside, or take a bath, or play with toys.... your vocabulary is actually beyond what I can count anymore.  It was already like this around 15 months, and I kept thinking I would try to write down the words you used a lot, but, I never got around to it, and now it's totally beyond me.  We do hear you say Mamma, Tetis (Daddy), bupes (shoes), akis (cat), vau vau (dog), pupas (beans), apgulies (lay down), aa-ja -ara (outside), and jaaaaa (yes!) quite a lot.  You can also name and point to your eyes, ears, nose, teeth, feet, hands, and belly button (which is your  favorite).  You tell me to lay down when you want to nurse.  You want to go outside all the time.  And every night, after dinner as we head up the stairs you ask in a hopeful, expectant voice, "anna (bath)?"     

Your canines are coming in now, and they are causing us ALL pain!

Being able to communicate with you is awesome.  It's lovely to hear you speak, and it's wonderful when we can understand each other.  It definitely beats trying to interpret your newborn cries.  It's a heart-overflowing moment when I can ask you for a kiss, and you give me one.  And you make us laugh a lot too.  Even though you have lots of words, you also still babble an incredible amount.  Sometimes you go on for minutes telling some story, or explaining something, or talking to an imaginary friend... and you do it with expression and passion.  It's very cute.  And we laugh when you are going on some tangent about something and then you burp, but, it doesn't even slow you down, you just keep talking.  And just recently, you have started putting up your index finger in a truly little old lady fashion and saying, "no, no, no, no, no!" while shaking that little finger of yours like you really mean it!  Oh, and you've started using your eyes to communicate as well... sometimes flaring them in big, surprised saucers, sometimes you almost roll them...sometimes you do the cutest eyebrow waggle thing- almost joking, questioning, being silly.

You are a true toddler- wanting to do everything on your own,
actually capable of doing very little on your own.

 As I mentioned before, you love the water.  You'll get in the water whether it's a pool, a lake, an ocean, a puddle, a river, a bucket, the bath, or pretty much anything else.  Much to my contentment, you also drink water very well.  But playing in it is your favorite.  Even when your teeth are chattering you might ask to get out of the water for a second, but if we try to take you away from it, you pitch a fit.  You pitch a lot of fits these days because despite having lots of words, you can't always get your message across, and generally your first reaction is to shriek.  It's not an altogether enjoyable experience, for either of us, I imagine.  I try not to dwell on your fits, but, sometimes you include hitting, kicking and biting in your little displays, and then it's hard to get past them.  You bite hard, and you kick hard.   Your hit needs a little more meat behind it.  (KIDDING!)  Your dad and I aren't really sure how to get you past the hitting, kicking and biting, but, we're working on it.  Hopefully, by the time you can read this, it will have passed. ;)
         

In the water, playing with your belly button.  Pretty much perfect for you!

You love your Dad.  And it's very obvious.  He is your favorite playmate.  Today you saw a motorbike drive by the house and it started you asking, "Tetis? Tetis?"  I told you he was at work.  You walked around repeating it for a while, "Tetis darba, tetis darba..."  You might have also thrown in a, "tetis cuc" or "tetis ara" but whatever... your mind was on your daddy.  Your face lights up when he gets home from work, and you usually do one of two things- either drag him straight to your playroom, or tell him right away you want to go outside.  You kick a soccer ball around with him, ride on the skateboard with him, play in the pool, run around chasing each other- and both of you practice your Latvian.  Your dad supports you speaking Latvian, and speaks to you almost only in Latvian, which is awesome.  You'll pick up English soon enough- we're not worried about it.  For now, it's beyond adorable to hear you spitting out your little Latvian words as they come.

Father and daughter- totally in love with each other. 

My only complaint about you, my dear, is that at 17 months, you still only sleep a few hours at a stretch at most EVER.  We still share a family bedroom, although you have your own bed, next to ours.  You fall asleep there, and sometimes you'll go back there after you've woken, but usually at some point in the night, you crawl on over, latch on, and cuddle in.  Thankfully, after a long summer in smaller beds, we have a king sized bed now, so there's room for everyone, regardless of the arrangement.  But, the broken sleep is starting to wear on me, and I wish you would just sleep.  We can't put a finger on what it is that wakes you, or why you haven't learned to just fall back asleep.  We've given you plenty of opportunities to learn all of these things, but, when you wake at night these days, you wake with a scream, and you don't stop until your dad has walked/shushed you back to sleep, or until you have nursed.  Sometimes despite his best efforts, only nursing will work, and I have to go in and "save the day".  Sometimes it makes for long nights.  Sometimes I get really frustrated, but when you fall asleep again in my lap or on my shoulder, which you sometimes do without nursing, I realize that you're still such a little person.  Eventually I find myself holding you a little tighter, and for a little longer than necessary, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to blink and you will be 10, going off to sleepovers and sleeping through the night at someone else's house.  For what it's worth, I think you will grow up to sleep like your dad- 6 hours maximum on any given night, and a small catnap in the afternoon when possible.  

Serious

Beni, being your mother is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life.  So many people often say it, but, I can't really remember life without you- I mean I can, but, I wouldn't want to.  I waited for you for years and years and years, and when you finally arrived, you were a dream come true right there in my arms.    Being your mother is also one of the most challenging things I've ever done in my life.  Every day, there are decisions to make, some big, some small... but they all feel monumental, because I wonder how they will affect you.  I wonder if you'll get over it, or if this little thing I did today, is the one you'll be discussing in therapy 25 years from now.  You never know.  

For the most part though, I trust you'll be ok, because you've already shown how adaptable and flexible you can be.  You've already traveled to 5 continents in your short life, been through nearly every time zone, and you've mostly weathered it no worse for the wear.  You're healthy, happy and full of curiosity about life.  You watch and listen to everything going on around you, take it in, and use it later.   Such a smart little girl.  Today you sat on the floor, tracing a circle on your own foot, doing "round and round the garden" on yourself, as your Aunt Courtney did for you countless times on the weekend.  Then you grabbed each of your little toes as well and did "this little piggy" too.  

You have a new cousin, Aina, whom you haven't met yet, but with whom you are obsessed!  We sit and look at her pictures, and sometimes talk to her and your godparents on Skype.  I'm not sure when you'll meet her, but I do hope you'll be friends when you're older.  You love all kids, and you've followed your other, older, cousins around like a loyal puppy, wanting to do whatever they were doing.  I can only hope that you will someday take to a sibling or two as easily.  So far, you have a bit of a love/hate relationship with your other younger cousin Gabe.  When you're with him and his mother, you love him... when you're with me and just me, you hate him.  Sigh.  I'm sure you'll outgrow that one soon.   

You are, if nothing else, fully self-expressed.  Your happiness, your astonishment, your fear, your anger, your frustration- they all come out full force and are generally unmistakable (although sometimes the cause is less readily understood).  As much as it might drive me crazy now, I hope you stay self-expressed.  Speak your mind.  Let it out.  Especially your joy, because when you smile and laugh like this (in the next photo) you infect everyone around you with your joy.  It's a beautiful thing, and it shouldn't be lost.  I'll do my best to try not to take it away from you.              

Serious joy

There is so much more I could tell you about you now.  But you've been asleep for a couple hours, and it's almost midnight, and I'm getting tired, and I know you'll be needing me soon.  So I'll leave it at that.  Know that above all else, I love you with all my heart.  It is my honor to mother you, and to try my best to do right by you.

Lielas bucas, maza pile,

Mamma  

Happy two years to us!

Then...

Now...

Happy anniversary!!!

(Gifts on our cotton anniversary... from Joel to me- the blue bag, "from us, to us"- the tablecloths, and from Beni to me- the t-shirt with the lovely picture of the three of us!)

Wow... nearly two months since I blogged!

Well, you know, we've just been in the States. We've been hanging out with friends and family and enjoying ourselves. Also doing a lot of running around trying to figure out how to get more stuff to Laos- by mail, in our suitcases, etc. Actually, our time in Michigan, especially after Joel came back, was pretty hectic. Throw in a Jani celebration in Garezers and a weekend away at my best friend's a few hours away, and we didn't actually have much time for relaxing.

And then...

my baby brother got married!

(this pic shows them exiting the ceremony- it's over and they are married, hence the big smiles!)

We all flew back out to Colorado for the wedding, which was unique, personal and earth friendly. :) My brother Martins and his wife Sara wanted to create a very specific experience for their whole wedding weekend, and they achieved it beautifully.

It was a great weekend spent with family. You know when you're with family at home and all the responsibilities of regular life surround you, you just don't spend the kind of quality time that you would like to together, because there is always something else pulling you away. But when you are 2,000 miles from home and all you have to worry about is getting a few things done for the wedding, you get to spend a lot of time with family and really, really enjoy it. I got to laugh a lot with my mom and step-dad which was really, really nice for me. I also got to hang out with my aunt Rudite, which doesn't happen nearly enough. And seeing all of these people have fun with Beni was great too.

Here's us at the wedding

We're in Latvia now, and enjoying being with family here too. Joel and I had quite a shock to see our nephews Tiss and Mik- we hadn't seen them since our wedding in 2009, and boy have they grown! Beni is loving spending time following her cousins around and eating their Lego. She got to quake with fear and cling to me as she witnessed for the first time what "playing" (also known as wrestling) with their Uncle Joel means to these boys. Yikes! All kinds of new experiences. So anyway... we should get the camera out and start taking a few more pics... I've been terrible lately about taking pictures, but I don't want this whole trip to go undocumented so, we'll have to drag it out soon!

I'll try not to let it be 2 more months before I post again! :)

The truth

The truth is... I have taken very few pictures of Beni since we arrived in Michigan. And since Joel left, and went back to Luanda, I've taken even less. I am trying to remember to snap a few. But, we Skype with Joel every day and that is pretty much all the energy I have for electronic communication concerning Beni. I know, there are others of you out there interested in her, but... well, sorry.

That said, today, while I was making dinner, I gave her a crayon and some paper. She was sitting at the table in the dining room which is separated from the kitchen by not even a whole wall, so it's not even really like a separate room....but, while I was cooking and not looking for like 30 seconds, she decided to eat the crayon instead of color with it. Parent of the year award!

You can't see it that well, but she's got blue on her mouth, chin, cheek and teeth!

(At least they are non-toxic, right?)

The poor crayon.

Why is it that kids don't seem particularly interested in actual teething toys, but will chew on absolutely ANYTHING else!?! Beni's favorite teethers lately (besides the crayon) are pens, spoons, cardboard of any sort (including packaging, books, mail, etc), puzzle pieces, bath toys, and more... but those actual teething toys? They get tossed aside pretty quickly! Sigh.

After taking the other crayon away...practicing using a crayon for its intended purpose. :)

By the way...she's got 4 teeth on top now, and 2 on the bottom, and I don't know what is coming next...maybe some bottom molars...she seems to be sticking stuff way back in her mouth. I guess we'll see!

Beni turns 1!

On the one hand, think what we've done, what we've experienced, where we've been, who we've spent time with, etc, etc... on the other hand HOW IS IT POSSIBLE MY BABY IS 1????

On her birthday... my big girl!

We had a lovely party for Beni yesterday, even though neither she nor I were feeling all that well. We picked up some germs upon reaching Michigan. Beni got a pretty bad cough, a stuffy/runny/incredibly snotty nose and a generally bad attitude. I have had just a stuffy nose and the accompanying raw nose/dry lips, etc. Anyway, we've both been having trouble sleeping, feeling grumpy, etc. So, needless to say, neither of us were really in a good place to have a house full of people, Beni wasn't really ready to be the center of attention, and she had pretty much no interest in opening presents. Oh, and thank goodness for nursing, because the child hasn't eaten more than three bites of solid food since this whole thing started (yeah, she didn't eat any cake). Sigh.

The cake I spent hours making, that Beni didn't even taste. It's ok, everyone else liked it!

When she's not sick (ok, even when she is) she's pretty amazing! We've decided that she has spoken and consistently uses her first word- hi! She says both hi and hey. She uses them appropriately and on her own (not just repeating or saying them when someone tells her to).

Dressed up for her birthday party, eating hummus

She is also walking more than she is crawling now. In fact, if she happens to lose her balance and end up on her bum, she stands back up, she doesn't crawl. She spends a lot of time walking just for the sake of walking. She also likes to walk pretty much everywhere- around the house, outside, in the bath, on the bed, etc... EVERYWHERE! She toddles around like a....well, a toddler! :) Amazing!

Party in the living room! Balloons = decoration!

Beni still nurses like it's her job. Maybe it is. She goes through phases with foods... liking one thing one week, something else another week. She's still particular about textures- she'll only eat super smooth purees or finger foods- nothing thick or chunky. Her favorites remain black beans, cheese, Vegemite (which she seriously sucks straight out of the tube) and recently yogurt.

She loves to climb stairs, and knows how to go up and down, although it's hardly safe for her to go down on her own. She also knows how to scoot off the bed, off the couch, etc. She also loves to put things in things (like, say, put all her bath toys in the bucket) or to take everything out of somewhere (like unpacking the cupboards). We are currently living with my step-sister and her two kids, one of which is a three month old preemie (he's 6.5 lbs now!), and when I hold him Beni gets INSANELY jealous. She tries to climb into my lap the moment I am holding him. It's pretty funny. Thank goodness a sibling will take however long plus at least 9 mos...seems she needs the time! :)

Beni and her cake

So the grumpy girl is 1, not feeling well, but continuing to be pretty darn awesome in the face of it all. More pictures are on facebook! Enjoy!

Already starting....

Beni's first birthday festivities are already starting, and her birthday isn't for 21 more days. I'm having a hard time dealing with that... I mean... how can she be 1 already??? It's just not right! :)

Today we had a farewell BBQ with about 30 of our friends here in Luanda. Because Beni's birthday is so soon after we leave here, I decided to make a cake for today. I know a few of our friends were sad they wouldn't get to celebrate this milestone- so, we made it a part of today.

Her cake was a hit- she didn't actually have any. :) But it was (as pictured above- although this picture was taken after the cake was transported back upstairs by men, who squished it) two layers of my standard chocolate cake, frosted with buttercream frosting and filled with a layer of whole raspberries (frozen, but still tasty). I got a whole lot of, "Oh, Mara, this cake is SO GOOD!" Just the kind of comment I like to hear. :) Some of the kids in attendance had seconds. I guess that isn't really saying much, because lots of kids would eat seconds of any cake. That said, as a teacher, I have seen more kids than you would believe turn their nose up at a cake that just wasn't nice, so, maybe it means more than I think. :)

Beni is growing. On her 11 month birthday she weighed in at 19lbs and was 28 inches tall. She's grown almost 10 inches in her first year. I don't know if that is normal, or small, but, to me, it seems HUGE. When I rock her in the rocking chair at night when she's woken, but doesn't need to nurse, her head rests on my shoulder, and her KNEES fall below my belly button... they pretty much fit into the angle where my legs meet my body. What happened to the tiny baby whose whole length could fit between my chin and belly button (ok, scrunched up in that newborn way)? I miss her! Or...I want another! ;)

Beni is amazing, and probably deserves the many birthday parties she will have. :) One down here... my brothers and sisters-in-law keep saying we will have to celebrate while we're in Colorado, so that will be a second... and then the last official party will be April 23rd in the States. After that it is likely she will have at least two more occasions when she will be showered with gifts by people who can't make it to the party. Should be fun for her.

I kiss her goodnight and can't help but stare at her face almost every night when I put her to bed. I just can't get over how perfect she is. How awesome she is. How she has already changed the world. Being her mother is such an honor!

11 months old today!

I can't believe it! We're only one month away from Beni being a year old!!! Where does the time go?

Well, here's what Beni's up to these days...

She's standing on her own, without holding on to anything, more and more confidently. She won't really do it if you try to force her though. She'll only do it when she's not really thinking about it. She'll be standing there playing with a toy or something and then she'll let go, and just stand for a few seconds... it doesn't last long. Every once in a while if you catch her just standing and you clap and smile for her and say encouraging words, she'll stand for longer. It's pretty cool. The other day, she also took a pivoting step just from the couch to her play table...her one foot didn't even move, but still. It was something. I think some of the time when she is just standing there you can almost see it in her eyes that she's thinking she should just walk...but then of course she drops down and crawls. :) It'll be interesting to see how long it takes until she's walking. I really wouldn't be surprised if it's quite a while still, but we'll see!


The worst thing she is doing right now (RIGHT NOW!) that is driving me bonkers is gnashing/grinding her teeth! Oh it's horrible! I've seen her do it with her mouth open- she moves her lower jaw all the way over, and then brings her teeth together so that the sides of her top and bottom teeth scrape against each other. It is a horrible sound. I keep telling her to stop, but, she doesn't listen. :)

She is sleeping... better and worse. Her naps are on schedule- 9am and 1pm every day give or take 10 mins. But the length of her naps varies from 30 minutes to 90 minutes. Both extremes are pretty rare and generally she's right on for 45 minutes. The totally random 90 minute days are AWESOME, but very, very rare. Sometimes I try to catch the moment when she about to wake up and lay down with her and get her to keep sleeping, but, it's only worked a couple times. At night, she goes down fairly easily, and sometimes stays asleep for hours...like 4 or 5. She definitely still wakes up to nurse though. She is starting the night out in her own bed (a mattress on the floor next to our bed), and then she joins us in bed sometime after midnight- sometimes just after midnight, sometimes around two, and once not until four!

Beni has always been very observant and into the details of things. When we go on our play dates she loves to watch the other babies and moms. She examines toys very closely and touches them all over. These days she is re-examining some of her own toys, checking them out, seeing how she can use the differently and so on. She's been spending a lot of time reading her books, looking very closely at the pictures, exploring all the different textures that some of them have.

Beni is doing a lot of talking these days... to the point where I often find myself wondering, "Did she just say...???" Her receptive language skills are obvious... she'll react to some questions or directions. She is also using a few signs... she is waving bye-bye again (she'd stopped for a while, she does it without prompting now), she signs for nursing, for more (when she's eating). I guess that is it. She's very verbal though- first words do not seem far away.

She's very easily offended these days. She's definitely learning to express her like and dislike. She hates closed doors right now and will sit and scream at and hit the door- even if someone else is on the same side of the door with her. Last night after work Joel decided to take a quick shower. I was out in the living room, but Beni decided to crawl down the hall and sit in front of the bathroom door crying and hitting the door.

She's eating much better than ever. She seems to not be a huge fan of thick textures, so we're working on getting her used to those. She will still eat stage 1 purees that are ultra smooth and she will eat finger foods, but she doesn't like the in-betweens. Her favorite foods right now are black beans, cheese (she gets shredded cheddar, and she likes parmesan on pasta) and Vegemite on crackers. She also just had olives for the first time and seemed to like that well enough. She definitely seems to like salty foods. That said, she has also been eating yogurt- I guess the only thick food she'll eat. Sadly, I buy her the only baby one I can get here, and the second ingredient is sugar....it's probably not even yogurt. But she likes it. When we get back to the States I'll be buying her better quality stuff! At this point we are not doing as well as I would like on eating fruits and veggies... but we'll keep working on it! I have been making her purees (combinations of apple, carrot, butternut squash and more) so she does get her veggies in there. She really liked some of the "green" baby foods we had once upon a time, but, we ran out of those forever ago, and I haven't gotten anything else green into her since. Sigh.

She has 4 teeth and more on the way. Her incisors all seem to be working their way in now. They always seem to be bothering her. It's pretty cool to hear her eat a cracker though- with four teeth in she can now properly crunch right through one! :)

So, all in all, she's a happy baby. She's healthy and often smiling. Can't wait to get her around everyone we're going to see in the next few months! We're all very much looking forward to it! :)

Almost a year...

Alise and Mara, Summer 2009

It's been almost a year since the last time I visited my great-aunt Alise. I'm not sure of the dates exactly, but I know I was heavily pregnant and Joel was with me- so it was late March or early April. She did not look anything like she does in the above picture. When we visited her this last time, she was, quite literally, on her death bed. She was frail and very, very thin. She was hardly conscious the day we were there. I stood over her, silently letting tears flood down my cheeks, Joel behind me, holding me up. I didn't know what to say, or how to say it. I was very sad that our baby was still on the inside, and that Alise would not get the opportunity to meet him/her. I said to Joel, "I really hope we have a girl, so we can use her name." Benita Alise was only two weeks old when we all went to my great-aunt Alise's funeral.

For some reason, she's been coming up in my thoughts very often lately. Maybe it's because Beni is nearing her first birthday, and I can't help but think all the time about, "this time last year." Maybe I keep thinking about her, because I finally have the emotional head space to deal with her loss. I don't know the day she died. I was at home with a less than two week old baby- I have no idea about ANYTHING that was going on then outside of the 3ft right around me! I do remember, though, Joel getting the phone call. He spoke to my step-mom, and they spoke for quite a while, and I had no idea what they were talking about. I was eating dinner, Beni was asleep on my chest...or maybe she was eating dinner to...either way, she was in my arms, on my chest. When Joel got off the phone, he knelt down beside me, and very solemnly told me that she has passed. The food got stuck in my mouth, and I felt silly doing something as simple as eating dinner when she was passing from this world.

Needless to say, a lot has happened since that day- it's been a very busy time. Babies are all-consuming! Therefore, it is possible, that I haven't actually mourned her loss as fully as I might have, had she passed at some other point in my life.

I know she couldn't be with me forever, but she was SUCH a special person to me. She was always my special (great-) aunt. I spent loads of time at her house as a small child when my family still lived in Indianapolis. I have a feeling that to some extent, as life may not have been too rosy in my own home, I was more comfortable at her house than anywhere else. After we moved to Kalamazoo, we still visited often, and I never tired of spending time with her. I loved her little routines and habits. I love, love, loved listening to her stories- especially when she and her sister (who passed in... 2003? 2004?) would tell them together. They were like a comedy routine. It never got old. She was often a comedy act on her own... the older she got, the more bent over she got- to the point where by the end, she was a walking L-shape. During this visit when these photos were taken she made some comment about how she stays out of the kitchen saying something like, "It's not worth going in there...I just bump my head on the counter tops!"
Alise was fiercely independent. As she got older and less able physically, she would rig all kinds of systems around her house to help her accomplish the things she still wanted to be able to do on her own. She lived on her own, in her own house for my whole life until her last days, when she was cared for by family. I know that wasn't always the case- she had been married once upon a time- but that was before my time, and not who I knew her as.

It is impossible for me to write any of this without crying many more hearty tears over her being gone. It still feels like a very new, raw hole in my heart. For the last 7 years that I lived abroad, every single time I went home, I made absolutely sure to make a trip down to Indianapolis to visit her. Sometimes it was only for a quick overnight...once even just an afternoon... but I always made sure to stop by. I was very lucky to have had her be such a big part of my life.

If there might be one regret I have about living abroad, it is that there were so many years spent so very far away from her. She would always mention that if I lived in Indianapolis, I could live rent-free just for taking care of a few small things. I wish I could have rearranged the world a bit for a while... and made it so that I could have been there with her, helping her, but still having all the adventures I did.

I can't but be sad when I think that Beni will never get to know her. I look forward to the day when Beni asks where her name comes from, how we chose it, and I'll get to tell her about her great-great-aunt. I imagine that had she lived a bit longer, they would have loved each other. I can't see it being any other way.

It does make me wonder if Beni will have a great-aunt, or some other family member, who will be as special to her as Alise was to me. I remember watching my aunt Lilija dance with Beni at her krustabas and thinking, "That's her great-aunt..."

I suppose it's only natural, babies are born, and the elderly die, generations come and go.... it never makes it any easier to lose someone we love. It's been nearly a year since we lost this amazing woman... and yet I still think of her often, miss her dearly, and luckily, find myself smiling at happy memories of her that float up at random moments. You'll be in my heart forever, Alisite!

Mamma 'Round the World

So, I've started a new blog. Yes, another one. :) This one is called Mamma 'Round the World and is going to be slightly different than This is Us...Today.

First of all, MRTW is public. It's open for everyone and anyone to read- in fact, my goal is to drive as much traffic to it as possible, so, please SHARE THE LINK with your friends and family- if it will interest them, of course.

The basic idea of the blog is not so different from this one- it'll chronicle our lives, but I am going to focus on all the normal stuff we do and how it is affected by living abroad. And obviously, I am the author, so, it's going to be written mostly from my roles... mother, wife, woman, etc.

A while ago I started censoring myself quite a lot on this blog because for the few people who seemed to still read it, a lot of the stuff I wanted to write about didn't really seem appropriate reading material. Well, on MRTW I am going to delve back into some of those topics- so consider yourself warned. I will write about my internal struggles, including my disordered eating and struggles with depression. I may also explore aspects of my marriage. The idea is to appeal to the mommy crowd- to write stuff that other women might be able to relate to, but to throw a fun international twist on things. I will try to keep things mostly light and humorous, but I'm just saying, you're going to find content there that you haven't seen here in a long time. And obviously, please remember, that often, in fact, most of the time, the whole story probably won't be portrayed, because, of course, I will try to respect Joel's privacy as well as yours (this is directed at other friends and family).

Finally, you will see that the new blog is covered in ads and links. There is a money-making aspect to all of this, and these ads and links will hopefully achieve that purpose. Cross your fingers for us on that front, because a little extra pocket money will come in handy as we transition to Laos and one smaller salary than we have now. :) And like I said, send readers to the blog...anyone who wants to keep up with what we are doing... let them do it there! I'm pretty sure every visit will earn us a few cents. Hopefully it will add up!

I will not abandon this blog...I might still post in depth Beni updates here which would not be appropriate for the completely public world wide web...so, don't stop coming here altogether, however, do expect that posts will probably slow down. I will try my best to make sure they don't stop completely.

Thanks for your support in this new endeavor! :)

10 months old today!

10 months old.... that is so close to a year that it makes me cringe a little. I know when she's 18 I'll be thinking that she was so tiny at 10 mos, but, right now, it feels like she might as well be 18 already she's so big. :) Look at those teeth! :) (Hopefully she'll have a few more when she is 18!)

At 10 mos, Beni is sleeping better than she was at 9 mos. We spent a few weeks doing our own version of teaching Beni to sleep- I just couldn't handle the waking ever 45 minutes anymore. So it took less than a week of getting her used to falling asleep without nursing (I nursed her and then put her in bed to fall asleep). There were tears, but, I never left her to cry it out on her own. She now goes down fairly easily for sleep- both naps and bedtime, and stay asleep at night for 3-4 hours at a time. Last night might have been a fluke, but it last 5 hours. That was nice.

Lookit that face. Beni is at the point now where she likes to eat more, and HATES having her face washed after eating. Oooeee...it ain't pretty. She struggles and squirms and yells. Ah, but Beni... no one likes crusty Vegemite or pears on their cheeks!

I can't get over how able Beni is now. Between the crawling and the balance and the grabbing and pushing and cruising and self-feeding... it's all a little crazy. She's such a different kid from who she was 5 months ago... heck, even 2 months ago. They change SO QUICKLY at this age!

Beni loves black beans. :) I like to make rice and beans and eat it quite often. Beni doesn't like the rice, but I pick the beans out for her and she gobbles them up. Yesterday she used the sign (as in, baby sign language) to ask for more beans when hers were all gone. It was awesome. She also knows the sign for all done, and bye bye. :)


I swear it was not long ago that she could not see over that table. Heck it wasn't that long ago she couldn't stand like that!
I didn't think I'd get looks like this from her until she was a pre-teen at least, but, there it is... classic, "Mom, can you knock it off? You're annoying!" Sigh. Like I said, growing up too fast!