Oh, Malaria.

My baby's got malaria. That is the saddest news I've heard since I heard that she had jaundice. :(

She'd been running a fever all day Monday, so on Tuesday when it climbed again in the late morning, I told Joel we needed to take her to the doctor. Our neighbors' little girl was in a similar position on Friday, and was diagnosed with malaria, so I was well aware of the possibility.

Even though she was running a fever (and not a particularly high one either) she was acting fairly normal. The nurses and the doctor all put it down to teeth after hanging out with her for a little while- she just seemed to be in too good a mood to have malaria! I insisted on having the test done, for my own peace of mind.

We got the call late Tuesday evening that it had indeed come back positive for level 1 malaria. I don't know what the highest level of malaria is, but, level 1 is the lowest. So she didn't have it bad, but she had it.

We went and got the antibiotics right away and prepared to give them to her. Can I just say that 10mLs of banana flavored thick stuff does not go down easy- especially down a baby who is already tired and not feeling 100%. In the end I had to pinch her nose closed so that she would open her mouth...and just after we got the last mL in, she gagged and brought up ALL of the medicine, plus some of the applesauce she had for dinner, and some of the milk she'd had before that. Sigh. It was not pretty. And of course then we just had to do it all over again.

Today, the medicine went down easier, thank goodness! She was still running a fever, so she also got some drugs for that. Here's hoping tomorrow is better than today was. It's only a three day course of antibiotics, so, by tomorrow or the next day she should be 100%.

Even though malaria is highly treatable when caught early, it is some scary shit. Joel was the one that got the call that the test was positive, and had the privilege to share the news with me. I'm not going to lie, he had tears in his eyes when he told me. The last thing you want to do as a parent is to put your child in harm's way. It kills me that I cannot be awake all night wearing night vision goggles making sure that not a single mozzie gets near her. It kills me that they choose to bite her over me.

We had a conversation about Beni and I leaving Angola even earlier than planned. Like now. In fact, Joel was quite sure that as soon as he told me the news, I would insist on it. I did not. I knew, because I know Beni, that even though a test says she's sick, that she was ok. I mean, yes, she's sick, but, she's ok. If she had a raging fever and any other symptoms (vomiting or diarrhea or anything), I might feel differently. But as it was, I knew we just needed to get her meds, and she'd be ok.

The scary thing is that, this could all happen again next week. The incubation period for malaria is 6-10 days at a minimum. That means that this malaria she has now is from a bite we didn't even know she got. I'm usually pretty good at noticing when she gets them. I know she got 4 bites Saturday night, so hopefully those don't lead to anything (I would assume that if there was anything incubating from the Sat bites, it would also be killed by the abx she's on now).

The thing is, if we did leave Angola now, we'd go back to Michigan...which is covered in snow and surely full of winter-time germs and maladies... the flu, colds, and loads of other diseasey germs that can bring a child way, way down... and many of which (the flu, for instance) don't have a cure. A child can die from the flu and there is no cure. At least malaria has a cure. You know? Malaria is scary because it's foreign to so many of us...but...at least it's got a cure. Right?

So here we are... and I think we're all going to go ahead and stay here. We'll continue to be vigilant about killing mosquitoes, and of course, insisting on malaria tests any time Beni is "off"- heck, even if she doesn't have a fever! It's worth it for the peace of mind.

But oh it sucks that our baby had to get malaria. It should have been me, or Joel. The desire to protect is so very primal, and the realization that you cannot always do so, is so very humbling.

And I have to say... to make matters worse, I'm pretty sure she's cutting her second tooth, so that is causing her pain as well. And, she is also trying out those teeth on ME, which is not cool. So, we've had a lot of tears over boobs being put away, over not feeling well, over being tired because we're not sleeping...it's just been a few of "those" days.

9 months old today!

In all her glory... here she is... Benita, 9 months old. :)

At some moments she just seems like she's grown up so quickly... in this first picture for instance, it seems her face is no longer that of a baby, but verging on toddler-hood. Sigh. Too fast! It's all going by too fast!

So what's little Beni up to... she's cruising up a storm. Cruising being the technical word for walking while holding on to things. :) So she cruises the furniture, her play table and anything else that comes in at the right height.

When we got home from Australia, she had one day, ONE, where she slept for 2 two hour naps in one day. It was REALLY AWESOME. Right after that she went back to taking 45 minute naps 3 or 4 times a day. Now, she has devolved to taking 30-45 minute naps that she will only take if I stay in bed with her while she sleeps. Trial and error is a quick teacher on this one- when the baby wakes up within 5 minutes of me getting up every single time for a whole day, thereby reducing her daytime asleep hours to about 40 minutes, I stop taking my chances and just stay in bed with her. It's not ideal (although I have gotten a heck of a lot of reading done this week!), but, it's where we're at right now. And it seems that every time I have the thought to try to even gently train her sleeping habits, she changes em up on me anyway. So, I'll just ride this wave, and hopefully it'll go by quickly.

One thing that might be making her not sleep so well is that she finally got her first tooth. It broke through her gum just about a week ago I believe. It's taking what seems like forever to come all the way through- I don't know how long it usually takes for a tooth to surface completely, but, a week later, we're still dealing with just the top edge. In person it seems so obvious, but in pictures (as you can see in the last picture in this post), it's just not as impressive. Oh well. It's there. And the neighboring tooth seems to be sitting just below the surface as well. So maybe that is why she is still being somewhat crabby and sleeping badly. Maybe we'll get a little reprieve when both of those teeth pop through. I guess we'll see.

Beni is talking a lot these days, although not quite saying any words. She has a new sound- something that sounds like a cross between that and dot... comes out a little gangsta, like "dat". She does a lot of pointing and uttering, "dat, dat, dat." I'm sure it doesn't mean anything... it would be boring if her first word was really "that." :) She does say mam-mam-mam and da-da-da, but, not in reference to either myself or Joel. Oh well. Soon enough. She will however just sit there babbling away, sometimes to you, and sometimes to herself. It is awfully cute.

One of my favorite things that she is doing lately is noticing space. She's noticing her surroundings more and more and how she fits into them. She looks under things- like the couch and the entertainment center. Sometimes her toys are there- other times I'm not sure what she's looking for or at. But when she does look under something she puts her chest and chin on the floor and sticks her butt up in the air. It is ridiculous. I can't help grinning from ear to ear when I see her do it. As I said she is also becoming more away of how she fits in the world. Her jumpy seat is attached in my bathroom doorway. She gets confined to jump around while I shower. When I get out of the shower I usually take her out and let her crawl around while I get ready. I move from the en suite bathroom to the room freely. Sometimes she gets upset when I do this, but I tell her to follow me. She will then start to crawl out of the bathroom, look up at the jumpy seat, then crouch down almost into an army crawl, and make her way out of the bathroom. The funny part about this is that if she were to crawl out at normal height, she would still clear the jumpy seat with a couple inches to spare. She obviously thinks of herself as much bigger than she is. Also, very, very cute. :)

On the eating front- Beni is a carboholic. She happily eats organic puffs, rice rusks, toast, naan bread, pizza crusts, crackers (with or without Vegemite), etc. Basically, any kind of bread product, she will chow down on. Today, miracle of miracles, we actually managed to finish a whole pouch (for those of you not in the know, baby food can now often be found packaged in pouches rather than jars) of baby food (it was banana, pear and mango) in one day. She had some at breakfast and the rest at lunch. This is a big deal, because she has basically shunned baby food since day one of solids. Recently she has showed me again that she likes mango- she really likes to suck on it if I let her eat it off my fork. Sometimes she even bites off a chunk and swallows. I'm happy to share my mango with her. I have been giving her egg yolk for breakfast, and while she happily tastes it, she hasn't actually eaten any of it. She has tried loads of veggies and she always has the same attitude- she excitedly tries the first bite, and then generally declines to have any more. So I just keep offering. Some day I'm sure she'll change.

I have to say just add as a note that, I have, at moments, considered whether or not it would be ok to delay solids just until she is potty-trained. That's not too long, is it? You know what I'm talking about right? ;)

I'm really not sure how many people read this blog that aren't friends with me on the good ole facebook...but, if there is anyone, then this is for you...

Just before we left for Australia in December, Joel got a new job. In August he'll be starting work at the international school in Vientiane, Laos. I'm pretty darn excited about heading back to Asia. We're both excited because Joel's younger brother and his wife work at the same school- and better yet, they are expecting a baby in just a few short months. So by the time we move there, there will be six of us family living in the same city. I'm excited for Beni to live so close to a cousin even if it is for just a few years (although who knows!). So, great change awaits us this year...and I for one am excited for it!

(this here last picture is proof of the tooth- and a cranky baby. :) )

Merry Christmas!

I have already learned so much about my camera since being in Oz that would have made these pics so much better... ah well... Merry Christmas and Happy Solstice to all!

Lots of gray space

Sigh... isn't she just the most perfect thing, ever?

We've been residing in the gray recently...that is, not seeing things in black and white. It seem- and I think this is generally a good thing- that I am not generally, as a parent, seeing things in black and white. I'm often going back and forth on things, which leaves me in the gray area.

The biggest thing we've been dealing with is sleep. Beni used to be a very, very good sleeper. Sure, in the very beginning I was tired, but, I don't think my lack of sleep compared at all to most new moms because Beni slept so well from day 1- until a few weeks ago. We now have a child who wakes often in the evening (she goes to bed at 6:30/7:00, and wakes often between 7 and 12), fusses often in the night (between 12 and 6).

So I've been doing research, reading books on sleep, and trying to figure out what to do, or if to do anything- often pondering the question, is this a phase or a problem? Certain things will not be changing- we'll continue co-sleeping, and I'm certainly going to continue breastfeeding, even in the night, if she really needs it. I am trying to get her to take the paci in the night now and then, or just to soothe her with cuddles and music instead of boob. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes I find myself getting a little worked up, because there is so much pressure to "do things right" (as if that is one obvious way). And everyone always asks, "Is she a good baby?" and "Does she sleep well?" The first question is obviously the stupidest question ever... has anyone EVER answered that question by saying, "No, she's bad"??? But there is so much pressure about the sleep thing as well. As if sleep is the greatest measure of a successful parent. I don't know...Beni is about the happiest baby...everywhere we go people always say she's amazing, that she always seems happy, that she is calm and inquisitive and just an all around joy. But she's not sleeping a 12 hour stretch...does one negate the other?

Anyway... my gray area on it is that while it would be nice and certainly very convenient for her to sleep 12 hours- which is why I find myself doing little things here and there to encourage her longer sleep- I also know that she's just this little tiny person. And who knows what is going on inside that head. Who knows why she wakes often, or what she's thinking, or why she's crying, instead of just falling back asleep. What I do know, is that she will only be this small for such a very, very short time- I know, because I see my friends and family living it all the time- that I will blink and she will be like 3 and all of this will be behind us, and there is a chance that she will be such a fiercely independent little girl that she will give me a kiss goodnight and roll over to go to sleep in her own bed. Who knows. I do know she won't be nursing or cuddling me to sleep when she's going off to university- we're safe there.

So I waver between wanting her to go ahead and sleep longer, and feeling like who cares...if she needs me in the middle of the night right now, then she needs me in the middle of the night right now. The choices we have made for our family, with me staying home, allow for me to be available to her at night if she needs me because I don't have to worry about being awake at work the next day. That said, even though she fusses at night, we still sleep pretty well because of the co-sleeping, because when she wakes I don't have to get up, or even wake up fully to tend to her.

I'll tell ya what doesn't fall into my gray area- me standing, probably crying, outside of the room inside which my child lies crying. Right now, for my little 7 mos old baby, that is a very definite black space, otherwise known as not going to happen. If mamma and baby are both crying, I just don't see the good....it doesn't sound like fun for anyone. If the time does come when I really need to teach my child to sleep, then, as with everything I ever hope to teach my child, I will choose a method that does not automatically include my child being in tears. I'm not saying there might not be some tears along the way anyway...but, my intention would be to avoid them.
So yeah... that's our gray space for now... revolving around the sleep issue. Who knows what the next one might be, or how this one might resolve itself.

7 months old!

How is it even possible that she's 7 months old already!?!?! What freaks me out the most is that she is officially closer to being a year old than she is to being a newborn. Yikes!

As you can see from the pics here....she's standing as often as possible...just loves it! She pulls up on everything and anything from her play table to the couch, chairs, the bed, end tables.... and of course her baby gate. :) The good news is that she is having a lot less spills. And when she does I give her a homeopathic Arnica tablet (they dissolve on contact) and so far, she's not having any more bruises! Yay.

She still has no teeth.

That said, she sure does continue to act as though they might be poking through at any moment. She drops drool bombs often, chews on stuff all the time, and is generally cranky.

Despite what this picture shows...

She does smile a lot too. :) But she has not been sleeping very well either. She has been waking a lot, taking a long time to go down in general, and being well... testy. I think that she might also she having a growth spurt. Everywhere we go people are commenting on how big she suddenly is...or how fat she suddenly is. Growing is by all means good... but, man... is it trying for mamma! So yeah, between the possibility of teeth and growing extra hard, we've had one cranky, needy baby on our hands. But it's all ok. This is just a phase, and it too shall pass. I'm her mamma and I just need to love her and be there for her, and help her through it. :)

Ah, and she continues to crawl like a pro!
Action shots...

(Did you notice that in the first picture she's nearly crying because she was mad at me for picking her up and putting her away from me- but then she spotted the camera/camera strap, and took off all smiles trying to get it!)

I never get bored watching Beni learn and grow. She is very inquisitive- which means she gets into everything (tries to anyway)...but it also means that she often pauses and looks so very seriously at something. Sometimes it's the tv, sometimes it's her hand, sometimes a toy, sometimes something off in space that I can't pick out.

She's gorgeous when she's thinking...

(Also, I muss her hair on purpose all the time because if it's tidy and laying down flat, you can't even see it- so I give it some crazy volume, and bam, she's got hair!) :)