Thoughts...

I know it's been forever since I actually wrote anything on this blog. The last two weeks have been ridiculously busy, and the time before then...well, I was processing a lot. Obviously, life is all different now and there has been a lot to think about since Beni arrived. So, Beni has already been down for over an hour, and I don't know how much time I will have to write now, so, I'm just going to write in bullet points and see how far I get.

• I really love being a mother. If all my life I wanted this because I had some idea that being a mother was largely part of my purpose on earth, then it makes sense how fulfilled I feel now. I routinely look at Joel while holding Beni, and tell him I have everything I need in the two of them.
  
• I am a serious Dr. Sears devotee. I haven't read anything written by that family that I haven't liked, that hasn't resonated deeply with my sense of parenting.
  
• It still freaks me out that I am actually a parent. I routinely wonder who decided that I was adult enough, responsible enough, ready enough, just plain enough to be in charge of Benita.
• Breastfeeding is the best, best, best. I love it. I can't think of a better way to connect with Beni. I love knowing that all she needs nutritionally is coming from me- and that, what she is getting is perfectly perfect for her. Our breastfeeding relationship has been wonderful from day one- we never had any problems. I sincerely wonder what makes breastfeeding so difficult for so many women- I know a lot of "crunchy, granola" type women who have breastfed their children for years without issue, or if they have had issues, they have managed to overcome them and continue on. And yet there are so many women out there who say, "It just didn't work." I know this is a very complex issue for a lot of women, but, I honestly can't imagine knowing that I am making a naturally free perfect food for my child, and choosing to buy a man-made expensive formula to use instead.
  
• I really love my cloth diapers. We started off by going the cheapest route with prefolds and covers, and just a few all in ones. In the end we have also bought quite a few more diapers- pocket all-in-twos and some fitteds- which has definitely raised the price tag on our cloth diapering, but it has also raised the fun factor. :) Anyway, I have worn disposable breast pads to catch leaking milk, and I hate them. They feel horrible against my skin, and I can't help but wonder if a disposable diaper doesn't feel equally as horrible on a baby's skin. I guess we'll never really know, but in any case, I love cloth diapering. I don't at all mind doing the wash, and I love taking the diapers out of the dryer and putting them away. :) I would recommend cloth to anyone considering it wholeheartedly.
  
• I am a fierce mama bear. I have said to people, "I can't let you hold her while she's crying" as well as, "She's crying, I need her back!" When my baby is in distress, I do feel it's up to me (or Joel) to fix whatever is going on. It makes me a little crazy when other people try to do it for us.
  
• I am completely attached to Beni, and want to remain that way! Beni has not ever been away from me in her almost three months, and I honestly don't plan on having it happen anytime soon. She's not in my arms 24-7 anymore (she basically was in the beginning, except when I showered, but also sometimes when I showered), but she has never been not in the same building as me. When she's with Joel or my mother I don't mind that she is in another room where I can't see her, but, when anyone else takes her out of my sight, I get a bit anxious. Call it first baby syndrome, call it being an over-zealous mama, or call it natural (I would)- it is what it is, and I'm not fighting it. I will admit that I miss her when she sleeps for a long time- and the thought of actually leaving her anywhere and going off to try to "enjoy myself" sounds so absurd, it makes me laugh and cringe all at the same time (mostly because there is no way I would actually enjoy myself if I were away from her). Which is not at all to say that I don't enjoy myself- I take long hot showers while she sits in her bouncy seat or Joel is with her, I paint my nails while she naps, I hang out on the internet while she nurses, I read at night when we get in bed. The only thing I would really like to do that I am not because of her is drinking cocktails and going to the movies. But, as all parents know- the early days go by SO QUICKLY, and ultimately last such a short time, that I just keep remembering that and knowing that there will be plenty of years in the future when I will be able to drink and watch all the movies I want when she has other things to do.
• Yes, we sleep together. All in one bed, all three of us. I love it! Beni has never had any trouble knowing when it's night time, when it's time to sleep. We get in bed together at night, she nurses, and we both fall asleep. She wakes in the night to nurse and all I have to do is pull my shirt aside and let her do her thing- I fall asleep again almost immediately- knowing that if she has some other need, she'll let me know. My in-laws were just here for two weeks, sleeping in the room right next door, and said last night that in the whole two weeks, they only heard her once, in the early morning. That time it was because she had awakened to nurse, and when I woke I realized I really needed the bathroom, so, I got up to go, and in the meantime, she got to cry for a minute while she waited for me. Otherwise, we all basically sleep through the night. Joel would have no idea at all what we do at night as he is not bothered by any crying or getting up or anything else. As far as he's concerned, we're all sleeping through the night. We could use a bigger bed- it's a bit of a tight squeeze for all three of us in a full size bed, but, even given that, we're doing just fine. And I have to say, that again, sleeping with Beni is probably the second most wonderful thing for me (after breastfeeding). I feel so close to her, I get to snuggle her- and there is something about the fact that we are doing the exact same thing- both of us just sleeping- that makes her seem so very human to me, like she's a real person, not just a baby, if you get what I'm saying.

There are reasons that I haven't wanted to write about any of this- because when I write about what we're doing, and the things that are so wonderful for us, the choices I'm making, people tend to want to tell me why what I am doing is wrong, why it would never work for them, why it's not really the right or best thing to do. The simple fact is that this is just really what works for us, what feels right to me, and that's it. You don't have to do it or like it. This is just what is going on with us!