Do you have "a person"?

On one of my favorite TV shows, Meredith calls Christina "her person". She is the person that she goes to when she has problems; the person she knows will be there for her to talk, to laugh, to cry, to dance it out, if need be. I imagine that if Mere and Christina needed to travel, it would be assumed that they would share a hotel room. On a Friday night, neither worries, because they both know that if nothing else, they can hang out together. They are each other's person. (Just to be clear, your person isn't your significant other, maybe even shouldn't be- it is that other person, besides your partner, that is your person.)

I think the last time I had a person, was, no shit, in like grade 7 and 8 when I was joined at the hip with my old friend T. T and I reunited earlier this year when I was in Michigan, and it turns out that we no longer have as much in common as we did back then- but I tell you what, in grade 7 and 8, we were each other's person. We did everything together. In fact, once our friendship solidified (which took only a short time I'm sure) we spent basically every day together. In those two years of school, we actually even spent the night at each other's houses almost every day of the school year. We were good kids, we did our homework together, we mostly went to bed on time- and if we were together in the morning, only one of our parents had to worry about getting us to school, so it worked out for everyone. T and I shared everything- from our joys to our fears, our trials with boys- from heartbreak to first kiss, to first REAL kiss (I suppose those were in reverse order). We shared issues about our parents, our siblings, other friends. T started learning Latvian from just being around it. We celebrated together when she finally got her period. You can have a person when you're in middle school- and I did. T was my person.

But T and I drifted apart, and for various reasons, by the time high school was in full swing, we were still friends, but definitely no longer each other's person. I was person-less.

When I fell in love with A, D & T (not *that* kind of love- girlfriend love!), I had 3 persons- sort of. Although my friendships with A, D and T were all different, and close in different ways, at different times- throughout high school I had them, even though they were not a part of my every day life. It was ok, because we all lived in 4 separate towns, and we all had our lives outside us 4, but we had each other in all the same way. Through letters (yes, real letters), care packages, emails, and occasional visits, we remained each other's sort-of persons. But this was a strange situation, because while it was an understanding on a deep level- not seeing each other for months, sometimes years at a time, and then picking right back up like we were together yesterday- it did not serve the every day purpose of your personness.

And anyway something changed again. We all grew up. Men became a bigger (too big?) part of our lives. We made other friends. We were separated by not just distance, but new responsibilities, other interests. I dare say, that it changed already then. Even now, all three girls retain a special, special place in my heart, but they were no longer my person, sort-of or otherwise.

There are other women who have come through my life- two As, one K- women that I have leaned on, shared with, lived with- who were (are) a seriously special part of my life- and I hope they feel the same way about me. Everyone is elsewhere though. Everyone has their own thing going on.

I know that having a person requires two way effort. I know that I have chosen to live quite far away from my friends. I think this has been the greatest challenge of living abroad for me. Your family will always be there when you go home- there is no question of that. But friendships change, and people grow apart, and you cannot just assume they will be there when you've been gone for 6 years. Of course I am lucky that until now, my friends are still there when I go home. But it is really hard to keep up with people. Every day life gets the best of you- you can't share all the little details. Time differences wreak havoc on communication. The cost of travel leaves two year spaces between visits. Pregnancies, husbands, children come into pictures and even years after the fact, some of these things are not mutually witnessed.

I can't wallow in self-pity, (that is not what I meant this post to be) because I know I have chosen this life. And I know that I do what I can to stay in touch with my friends. I do miss them all terribly, and I try to let them know that. I do the best I can with Joel- but he's my partner, my significant other, maybe my best friend, and just not my person. I mean, he's serving as my person now, but, sometimes, he just doesn't do that good a job. Just last night I tried to talk to him about something, and he said right away, "I'm not good at these kinds of talks. I give bad advice." He knows he can't be my person. I don't think it's healthy to have one human be your everything- we need different people for different purposes. Joel is a wonderful partner, he'll be a wonderful father, and that is enough- he doesn't have to be my person too.

The thing is, having lived abroad for as long as I have, and in as many different cities, I have seen lots of people come and go from schools (let's face it, they have been my community base), and lots of them have found a person. Maybe they still have a person back home as well- but they have a person for daily life too.

I guess what I'm wondering is, why haven't I been able to find a person since 8th grade? If I came close in the years before I left the US, I certainly haven't since. Please don't leave my comments box full of reasons why people wouldn't like me- this is sort of a rhetorical question.

It's a reason to navel gaze though- a reason to look inwards and ponder choices and actions. Maybe it's just chance- two such compatible souls coming together in a world so big and all that. Or maybe I only imagine that others don't feel the way I do. Maybe I only imagine that other people have a person- maybe other people feel alone too. Maybe it is going to take something bigger, more, well, something, I don't know.

Can I take out a want ad? Not-single White Female looking for her person. Do you have a person? Maybe I don't want to know.